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Wedding Party
Advice from a sister of the groom
I've been lurking around the forums since my brother got engaged, and a question I often see come up is "what do I do with the sister of the groom?" Party line around here will tell you to see if your future husband is willing to have her as a groomswoman, and after my experience so far as a bridesmaid in my brother's wedding, I just want to endorse that.
I have no beef with my FSIL. She's a really nice woman and my brother loves her a lot so I'm excited that they are getting married. But I don't know her very well. I had only met her maybe a dozen times when they got engaged. She asked me to stand on her side as a bridesmaid and I accepted. I was excited to get to know her a bit better, to plan a shower for her with the other bridesmaids and get to know her friends and sister.
I have since figured out that I am an "obligation bridesmaid" and that my FSIL didn't really ask me as a way of getting to know me. I was left out of planning the bridal shower despite asking the other bridesmaids many times what I could do to help. I was made to feel like I was lucky I was even invited. I wasn't included in dress shopping and was just told what to buy without getting to voice an opinion. I feel like I am not wanted in the bridal party and it hurts.
If I'd been allowed to stand on my brother's side, I KNOW that my other brother (the best man) would have loved planning the bachelor party with me, and I would have been welcome to come along. I'd have had some kind of say in what I wore. I'd have felt like part of the wedding party.
Please brides, if you aren't close to your FSIL, let her stand on her brother's side. That way if you or your bridesmaids don't want her involved in any of the plans, she won't feel slighted when she's not included. And she'll get to have a lot of fun and make some wonderful memories with her brother.
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Re: Advice from a sister of the groom
[QUOTE]I've been lurking around the forums since my brother got engaged, and a question I often see come up is "what do I do with the sister of the groom?" Party line around here will tell you to see if your future husband is willing to have her as a groomswoman, and after my experience so far as a bridesmaid in my brother's wedding, I just want to endorse that. I have no beef with my FSIL. She's a really nice woman and my brother loves her a lot so I'm excited that they are getting married. But I don't know her very well. I had only met her maybe a dozen times when they got engaged. She asked me to stand on her side as a bridesmaid and I accepted. I was excited to get to know her a bit better, to plan a shower for her with the other bridesmaids and get to know her friends and sister. I have since figured out that I am an "obligation bridesmaid" and that my FSIL didn't really ask me as a way of getting to know me. I was left out of planning the bridal shower despite asking the other bridesmaids many times what I could do to help. I was made to feel like I was lucky I was even invited. I wasn't included in dress shopping and was just told what to buy without getting to voice an opinion. I feel like I am not wanted in the bridal party and it hurts. If I'd been allowed to stand on my brother's side, I KNOW that my other brother (the best man) would have loved planning the bachelor party with me, and I would have been welcome to come along. I'd have had some kind of say in what I wore. I'd have felt like part of the wedding party. Please brides, if you aren't close to your FSIL, let her stand on her brother's side. That way if you or your bridesmaids don't want her involved in any of the plans, she won't feel slighted when she's not included. And she'll get to have a lot of fun and make some wonderful memories with her brother.
Posted by earlgraygreen[/QUOTE]
I'm sorry you had this experience. Sounds like the BM's and bride were just ignorant people. I wish you the best in your relationship with your new SIL.
May 2013 February Siggy: Invitations
They decided to purchase one bolt of cloth, have each person cut off what they needed for their dress, and then pass it and the dress pattern along to the next person, which might have worked if everyone lived in the same town. Our families lived in Houston, but before the wedding I moved to NYC and she had bridesmaids coming in from Minnesota and South Africa as well. The way they planned it, I was supposed to be the last person to get the material-from South Africa. It wasn't going to happen and didn't happen.
So, on Christmas Eve, I receive a shipment of new material and the pattern directly from my SIL's mother. I had just moved to NYC and started a new job as a tax accountant, and didn't know where to find a dressmaker, let alone have time to bargain for a good price. The wedding is in the middle of March, the day before corporate tax returns are due, and my mom hassled me about finding someone to make the dress-while tax season is going on-and fly back to Houston to attend the wedding in the heart of tax season. (I have no sewing machine or sewing skills.) Attending the wedding was one thing-I would have done that no matter what-but being a bridesmaid had become a ton of trouble.
It didn't help that the woman I finally found was three times as expensive as whoever was making the Houston bridesmaids' dresses (my parents were paying, but they biiitched about this), she made it to be worn with a foundation garment, and refused to simply sell me the dress, but jacked up the price on the day I was supposed to pick it up to include an extra $200 for the foundation garment. I was furious, but there wasn't time, material, or money to get a new dress made. My mother biiiitched to me about this because I needed an emergency transfer of funds to pay for that dress.
After the wedding, I left the dress in Houston at my parents' house and refused ever again to have anything to do with it. As far as I'm concerned, they can throw it out, give it away, or do whatever as long as I never have to have anything to do with it.
At least my SIL and her family are otherwise nice and the wedding was fun.
[QUOTE]Lessons to be learned from thse stories: 1. Never agree to be in a bridal party because you think it will help you get to know someone. There are better ways to do this. 2. Acceptance isn't mandatory. The honor of being a bridesmaid can always be graciously declined. 3. You can always step down if things become uncomfortable. There are any number of reasons you can cite. 4. Don't be a sheep! Good lord. NO is not a four-letter word. Generations of women were raised to think that it's mean and ugly to say no to friends, but here's the big secret, ladies....IT'S NOT. NO is in the English language for a reason. 5. If something is too expensive, SAY SO. "I can't afford this," is not difficult to utter. 6. You are not a bad friend/bad relative for questioning something a bride wants you to do. SHE is a bad friend if she thinks you are.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]<div>To add on to these lessons, specifically #1, Asking a FSIL to be in your bridal party doesn't mean you're going to get to know each other better and create a bond or what ever. There are plenty of other things you guys can do to get to know eachother. Asking her how much money she can afford on a dress probably isn't the best ice breaker for the two of you lol.
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[QUOTE]Lessons to be learned from thse stories: 1. Never agree to be in a bridal party because you think it will help you get to know someone. There are better ways to do this. 2. Acceptance isn't mandatory. The honor of being a bridesmaid can always be graciously declined. 3. You can always step down if things become uncomfortable. There are any number of reasons you can cite. 4. Don't be a sheep! Good lord. NO is not a four-letter word. Generations of women were raised to think that it's mean and ugly to say no to friends, but here's the big secret, ladies....IT'S NOT. NO is in the English language for a reason. 5. If something is too expensive, SAY SO. "I can't afford this," is not difficult to utter. 6. You are not a bad friend/bad relative for questioning something a bride wants you to do. SHE is a bad friend if she thinks you are.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I agree with all of this. I'm also in a situation where I feel like I'm an "obligation" bridesmaid. However, I AM close with both my brother and his FI. My brother really wants me to be in the bridal party but said that his FI doesn't want girls to stand on the groom's side (I'm perfectly okay with it standing with him!). I did tell my brother up front that because I'm getting married 10 days after he is, I may have to step down due to finances (he's understanding).</div><div>
</div><div>What's annoying me about this situation is that FSIL's mother is now hounding me about shower details and who else is in the bridal party (I don't know anyone!) and what dates we should hold things. She's even asked me to take days off during the week to deal with it. So, I explained to her that due to my wedding finances are a major concern and leave time at work is extremely limited. She's not getting it. This woman has asked me to NOT tell my brother and FSIL that she and I are in touch, but I've met this lady once and I'm not sure how to get through to her that I don't have the time or money to do what she wants. I feel like if I honor her wishes to keep things a secret, I will have to step down because I can't live up to HER expectations. Would I be out of line for asking my brother for advice? :-/ </div><div>
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OP, thanks for your post. I asked my FSIL to be in my wedding before I read stories on here because it's tradition in my family to ask siblings. I don't regret asking her at all because I'm super excited to have her on my side and we get along really well. Now I just hope that she feels the same way!
I personally did extend the offer to my SIL to be in my bridal party, but it wasn't from pressure from my husband, and it wasn't just obligatory. I honestly wanted to include her, and saw her as a family member (IE 'nearest and dearest').
I knew, however, that that wouldn't build our relationship alone. It's not an honor unless it's treated as one by the bride. So I made an effort to include her at every turn, but also kept the 'not fun' wedding chores for myself to do. When she volunteered to help, we went shopping for invitations, I took her input, she went with me to find my dress, etc.
I gave all the bridesmaids a choice in their dresses, and when she mentioned she wanted me to go with her individually to help pick out her dress, because she was embarrased to try on dresses in front of other girls, I was all about it, and made time to do that.
To this day, we have an awesome relationship, and I'm so happy that I made the decision to include her in my bridal party. If my husband had said he wanted her on his side, I would have totally supported that, but I'm secretly glad he didn't, so I could have the chance i did to bond with her.
[QUOTE]@Kate, definitely talk to your brother about it. She shouldn't be hounding you. In fact, if she was going to talk to anyone it should be one of the bride's close friends who is in the wedding, too, not the groom's sister. OP, thanks for your post. I asked my FSIL to be in my wedding before I read stories on here because it's tradition in my family to ask siblings. I don't regret asking her at all because I'm super excited to have her on my side and we get along really well. Now I just hope that she feels the same way! :)
Posted by stantokm[/QUOTE]
I think the best lesson you can take from this thread is that just because you gave your FSIL a title, it doesn't mean you'll automatically be best friends forever. Friendship, as with any relationship, takes work and give and take.
The OP's SIL made her feel like an outsider, which is the opposite of what I'm sure you will do.