Wedding Party

Advice from a sister of the groom

I've been lurking around the forums since my brother got engaged, and a question I often see come up is "what do I do with the sister of the groom?"  Party line around here will tell you to see if your future husband is willing to have her as a groomswoman, and after my experience so far as a bridesmaid in my brother's wedding, I just want to endorse that.

I have no beef with my FSIL.  She's a really nice woman and my brother loves her a lot so I'm excited that they are getting married.  But I don't know her very well.  I had only met her maybe a dozen times when they got engaged.  She asked me to stand on her side as a bridesmaid and I accepted.  I was excited to get to know her a bit better, to plan a shower for her with the other bridesmaids and get to know her friends and sister.

I have since figured out that I am an "obligation bridesmaid" and that my FSIL didn't really ask me as a way of getting to know me.  I was left out of planning the bridal shower despite asking the other bridesmaids many times what I could do to help.  I was made to feel like I was lucky I was even invited.  I wasn't included in dress shopping and was just told what to buy without getting to voice an opinion.  I feel like I am not wanted in the bridal party and it hurts.

If I'd been allowed to stand on my brother's side, I KNOW that my other brother (the best man) would have loved planning the bachelor party with me, and I would have been welcome to come along.  I'd have had some kind of say in what I wore.  I'd have felt like part of the wedding party.  

Please brides, if you aren't close to your FSIL, let her stand on her brother's side.  That way if you or your bridesmaids don't want her involved in any of the plans, she won't feel slighted when she's not included.  And she'll get to have a lot of fun and make some wonderful memories with her brother.

Re: Advice from a sister of the groom

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_advice-from-a-sister-of-the-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:c0d4244b-714f-49d1-870e-7d99fb69df0fPost:9b9360c4-37de-407e-90d7-5e6167e9d2b1">Advice from a sister of the groom</a>:
    [QUOTE]I've been lurking around the forums since my brother got engaged, and a question I often see come up is "what do I do with the sister of the groom?"  Party line around here will tell you to see if your future husband is willing to have her as a groomswoman, and after my experience so far as a bridesmaid in my brother's wedding, I just want to endorse that. I have no beef with my FSIL.  She's a really nice woman and my brother loves her a lot so I'm excited that they are getting married.  But I don't know her very well.  I had only met her maybe a dozen times when they got engaged.  She asked me to stand on her side as a bridesmaid and I accepted.  I was excited to get to know her a bit better, to plan a shower for her with the other bridesmaids and get to know her friends and sister. I have since figured out that I am an "obligation bridesmaid" and that my FSIL didn't really ask me as a way of getting to know me.  I was left out of planning the bridal shower despite asking the other bridesmaids many times what I could do to help.  I was made to feel like I was lucky I was even invited.  I wasn't included in dress shopping and was just told what to buy without getting to voice an opinion.  I feel like I am not wanted in the bridal party and it hurts. If I'd been allowed to stand on my brother's side, I KNOW that my other brother (the best man) would have loved planning the bachelor party with me, and I would have been welcome to come along.  I'd have had some kind of say in what I wore.  I'd have felt like part of the wedding party.   Please brides, if you aren't close to your FSIL, let her stand on her brother's side.  That way if you or your bridesmaids don't want her involved in any of the plans, she won't feel slighted when she's not included.  And she'll get to have a lot of fun and make some wonderful memories with her brother.
    Posted by earlgraygreen[/QUOTE]

    I'm sorry you had this experience. Sounds like the BM's and bride were just ignorant people. I wish you the best in your relationship with your new SIL.
  • I agree COMPLETELY. 

    Can I latch on with my story?

    My sister-in-law asked my sister and I to be bridesmaids. My sister and I had only met this girl a handful of times and were not impressed. She didn't seem to like us much either. We even got into kind of an argument. Being a bridesmaid made me dislike her even more. 

    This girl had texted us on Thursday to ask if we were available Saturday to go bridesmaid dress shopping. We both responded with yes. We didn't get another text from her (my sister even texted her on Friday to ask if we were going and did not get a response) and then Monday morning we get an email from her with a link to the dress and telling us where to buy it. It was $200 and she never discussed budgets with us. It was strapless and my sister is pretty large-chested and modest. When this girl asked us to be bridesmaids she said she'd make sure it was something that would cover my sister (she also demanded that I get a spray-tan). It didn't. At all. 

    Then my mom roped us in to throwing this girl a shower. We emailed her with dates to see what would work with no response until weeks later - she said her aunt was throwing her shower and that it was on a totally different date (one that we told bride a few times that we'd be out of town) and that we need to coordinate with aunt. Fine. Whatever. 

    So the week of the wedding she emails us telling us that her friend is doing our hair and it will cost is $60 each. A friend of my brother's (and mine) is also a great hairdreser and she was going to be helping anyway. I asked friend if she would do my hair and what it would cost and she said she'd d it for free. I emailed Bride back and told her I couldn't afford $60 when I'm already taking 2 unpaid days off work and paying for a hotel room for 2 nights and that friend would do my hair. She said that she really wanted her friend to do everyone's hair and that she would pay for it. Day of, after everyone's hair is done (and I told her 100 times I wanted my hair to be down and she made me get it up) she looked right at me when she said that she needed everyone's $60. Fine. I paid it. That was my gift to them - I took the check out of the card I had gotten them after that. 

    Sorry to ramble on with my story but I had to..

    I'm sure there are 100's of girls with terrible stories like ours. I would have been MUCH happier as a groomsmaid or a guest. 
  • I feel super bad that you ladies had such experiences!  You should not have been treated like that, even if you were an "obligation" bridesmaid (and I certainly hope that wasn't truly the case).  I'm one of those brides who's not asking her FSIL to be a bridesmaid, but that's only because fiance and I aren't having a traditional wedding party.  We're just having one person each stand up with us.  His is his best friend from childhood, and mine is the same.  That being said, I'd love to include my FSIL in all of the "wedding" stuff.  She's really great! I hope that you and your in-laws can create a better relationship in the years to come!
  • AddieCakeAddieCake member
    First Anniversary First Answer First Comment 5 Love Its
    edited February 2013
    Thank you for sharing your stories!  Hopefully it helps brides to see a concrete reason not to have "obligatory" bridesmaids when they see that people really ARE affected!
    What did you think would happen if you walked up to a group of internet strangers and told them to get shoehorned by their lady doc?~StageManager14
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  • This is really interesting and makes me glad that we asked my FI's sister to stand on his side.

    May 2013 February Siggy: Invitations

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  • I would have preferred to stand on my brother's side when he got married, but everyone thought that as a female I should be a bridesmaid, and my FSIL told me that she was asking me first of all her bridesmaids.  I love her and her family, but I didn't like how they planned the bridesmaid business.

    They decided to purchase one bolt of cloth, have each person cut off what they needed for their dress, and then pass it and the dress pattern along to the next person, which might have worked if everyone lived in the same town.  Our families lived in Houston, but before the wedding I moved to NYC and she had bridesmaids coming in from Minnesota and South Africa as well.  The way they planned it, I was supposed to be the last person to get the material-from South Africa.  It wasn't going to happen and didn't happen.

    So, on Christmas Eve, I receive a shipment of new material and the pattern directly from my SIL's mother.  I had just moved to NYC and started a new job as a tax accountant, and didn't know where to find a dressmaker, let alone have time to bargain for a good price.  The wedding is in the middle of March, the day before corporate tax returns are due, and my mom hassled me about finding someone to make the dress-while tax season is going on-and fly back to Houston to attend the wedding in the heart of tax season.  (I have no sewing machine or sewing skills.)  Attending the wedding was one thing-I would have done that no matter what-but being a bridesmaid had become a ton of trouble.

    It didn't help that the woman I finally found was three times as expensive as whoever was making the Houston bridesmaids' dresses (my parents were paying, but they biiitched about this), she made it to be worn with a foundation garment, and refused to simply sell me the dress, but jacked up the price on the day I was supposed to pick it up to include an extra $200 for the foundation garment.  I was furious, but there wasn't time, material, or money to get a new dress made.  My mother biiiitched to me about this because I needed an emergency transfer of funds to pay for that dress.

    After the wedding, I left the dress in Houston at my parents' house and refused ever again to have anything to do with it.  As far as I'm concerned, they can throw it out, give it away, or do whatever as long as I never have to have anything to do with it.

    At least my SIL and her family are otherwise nice and the wedding was fun.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_advice-from-a-sister-of-the-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c0d4244b-714f-49d1-870e-7d99fb69df0fPost:9807f20e-a526-4175-891c-2ba4112546c2">Re: Advice from a sister of the groom</a>:
    [QUOTE]Lessons to be learned from thse stories: 1. Never agree to be in a bridal party because you think it will help you get to know someone.  There are better ways to do this. 2.  Acceptance isn't mandatory. The honor of being a bridesmaid can always be graciously declined. 3.  You can always step down if things become uncomfortable. There are any number of reasons you can cite. 4. Don't be a sheep! Good lord.  NO is not a four-letter word.  Generations of women were raised to think that it's mean and ugly to say no to friends, but here's the big secret, ladies....IT'S NOT.  NO is in the English language for a reason. 5.  If something is too expensive, SAY SO.   "I can't afford this," is not difficult to utter. 6. You are not a bad friend/bad relative for questioning something a bride wants you to do.  SHE is a bad friend if she thinks you are.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]<div>To add on to these lessons, specifically #1, Asking a FSIL to be in your bridal party doesn't mean you're going to get to know each other better and create a bond or what ever. There are plenty of other things you guys can do to get to know eachother. Asking her how much money she can afford on a dress probably isn't the best ice breaker for the two of you lol. 

    </div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_advice-from-a-sister-of-the-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c0d4244b-714f-49d1-870e-7d99fb69df0fPost:9807f20e-a526-4175-891c-2ba4112546c2">Re: Advice from a sister of the groom</a>:
    [QUOTE]Lessons to be learned from thse stories: 1. Never agree to be in a bridal party because you think it will help you get to know someone.  There are better ways to do this. 2.  Acceptance isn't mandatory. The honor of being a bridesmaid can always be graciously declined. 3.  You can always step down if things become uncomfortable. There are any number of reasons you can cite. 4. Don't be a sheep! Good lord.  NO is not a four-letter word.  Generations of women were raised to think that it's mean and ugly to say no to friends, but here's the big secret, ladies....IT'S NOT.  NO is in the English language for a reason. 5.  If something is too expensive, SAY SO.   "I can't afford this," is not difficult to utter. 6. You are not a bad friend/bad relative for questioning something a bride wants you to do.  SHE is a bad friend if she thinks you are.
    Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I agree with all of this. I'm also in a situation where I feel like I'm an "obligation" bridesmaid. However, I AM close with both my brother and his FI. My brother really wants me to be in the bridal party but said that his FI doesn't want girls to stand on the groom's side (I'm perfectly okay with it standing with him!). I did tell my brother up front that because I'm getting married 10 days after he is, I may have to step down due to finances (he's understanding).</div><div>
    </div><div>What's annoying me about this situation is that FSIL's mother is now hounding me about shower details and who else is in the bridal party (I don't know anyone!) and what dates we should hold things. She's even asked me to take days off during the week to deal with it. So, I explained to her that due to my wedding finances are a major concern and leave time at work is extremely limited. She's not getting it. This woman has asked me to NOT tell my brother and FSIL that she and I are in touch, but I've met this lady once and I'm not sure how to get through to her that I don't have the time or money to do what she wants. I feel like if I honor her wishes to keep things a secret, I will have to step down because I can't live up to HER expectations. Would I be out of line for asking my brother for advice? :-/ </div><div>
    </div>
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  • @Kate, definitely talk to your brother about it.  She shouldn't be hounding you.  In fact, if she was going to talk to anyone it should be one of the bride's close friends who is in the wedding, too, not the groom's sister.

    OP, thanks for your post.  I asked my FSIL to be in my wedding before I read stories on here because it's tradition in my family to ask siblings.  I don't regret asking her at all because I'm super excited to have her on my side and we get along really well.  Now I just hope that she feels the same way!  :)
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  • These are all good lessons to take to heart.  Giving someone a title doesn't automatically make a relationship happen.  Relationships require work, no matter what.

    I personally did extend the offer to my SIL to be in my bridal party, but it wasn't from pressure from my husband, and it wasn't just obligatory.  I honestly wanted to include her, and saw her as a family member (IE 'nearest and dearest').

    I knew, however, that that wouldn't build our relationship alone.  It's not an honor unless it's treated as one by the bride.  So I made an effort to include her at every turn, but also kept the 'not fun' wedding chores for myself to do.  When she volunteered to help, we went shopping for invitations, I took her input, she went with me to find my dress, etc. 

    I gave all the bridesmaids a choice in their dresses, and when she mentioned she wanted me to go with her individually to help pick out her dress, because she was embarrased to try on dresses in front of other girls, I was all about it, and made time to do that.

    To this day, we have an awesome relationship, and I'm so happy that I made the decision to include her in my bridal party.  If my husband had said he wanted her on his side, I would have totally supported that, but I'm secretly glad he didn't, so I could have the chance i did to bond with her. :)
    Don't make me mobilize OffensiveKitten

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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_advice-from-a-sister-of-the-groom?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:c0d4244b-714f-49d1-870e-7d99fb69df0fPost:b53168f7-43ae-4478-b8b2-3bc4915cb2ae">Re: Advice from a sister of the groom</a>:
    [QUOTE]@Kate, definitely talk to your brother about it.  She shouldn't be hounding you.  In fact, if she was going to talk to anyone it should be one of the bride's close friends who is in the wedding, too, not the groom's sister. OP, thanks for your post.  I asked my FSIL to be in my wedding before I read stories on here because it's tradition in my family to ask siblings.  I don't regret asking her at all because I'm super excited to have her on my side and we get along really well.  Now I just hope that she feels the same way!  :)
    Posted by stantokm[/QUOTE]
    I think the best lesson you can take from this thread is that just because you gave your FSIL a title, it doesn't mean you'll automatically be best friends forever. Friendship, as with any relationship, takes work and give and take.
    The OP's SIL made her feel like an outsider, which is the opposite of what I'm sure you will do.
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  • I know how you guys feel! Not as sister in laws but im pretty sure I was an obligation bm as well. I hope your relationships improved over time. After her wedding this weekend my bride ended her friendship with me. I posted earlier about how badly her other bms were treating me ad now Ive lost one of my best friends.
  • PlanningKCPlanningKC member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited February 2013
    My FSIL and I are not close, and my FH is not close to her either, and I hadn't planned on asking her to be on my side, or his. I have my sister as my MOH, and my brother's girlfriend and 5 other of my friends  as BMs My FH has his best friend as BM, and my brother, 3 of his half brothers, and 2 friends as GM. 

    Is this rude, or acceptable? 

    I want traditional in a sense that men on his side women on my side and even numbers. I also don't want to have any people standing up in our wedding that we are not close to just because we feel obligated to. 
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