Disrespectful bridesmaid

clappel

I am having an issue with one of my bridesmaids that I am not sure how to solve.  Since I am having a destination wedding, I am waiting until the weekend of the wedding to have a pseudo-bachelorette party because it is the only time when all of my bridesmaids will be in the same location.

That being said, I am also inviting other female family members to come hang out with us in the suite and have drinks after my bridesmaids and I get back from dinner.  All along I have invisioned that night as just a laid-back time for me to chill out with my close friends and say hi to other women who are there for the wedding.

One of my bridemaids is insisting that she is going to buy penis straws, etc. for that night but that she will wait to get them out until after my mom goes to bed at least.  I straight up told her that I do not want all of that stuff, it is not my style, nor does it fit with the theme of the day.  (We are going to a museum in the afternoon and then to a nice dinner before heading back to the suite).  Her response was "too bad."

I have not been a bridezilla at all through this wedding planning process and I am upset by her lack of respect for what is supposed to be an event for me.  I did not want to confront her about the issue in the first place, but then decided that I had to tell her straight up that I don't want her to buy all that stuff.  That was when she responded "too bad" so now I'm not sure what to do?  Any advice?

andy71781

Why are you all bent out of shape about a couple of penis straws?  Is she threatening to do more like hire a stripper?

clappel

I am more bothered by the fact that I told her I didn't want them  and she doesn't care than I am the penis straws themselves (or anything else she is planning to buy).  I just personally think that stuff is stupid and since it's my party I think that I should have a say in what is or isn't used.

rien713

Her attitude does suck; seems like she's planning the night more for herself than the bachelorette. But if she insists, let her waste her money. Refuse to humour her when she breaks it out at the party. No one can force you to drink through a penis straw or wear a veil of condoms on your head.

bablingbrooke

If you flip out over a couple of straws, I can't imagine what you do in the face of a real insult.  Your female relatives (gasp!) have had sex before.

Yeah, it's not cool of her to go against your express wishes.  But if she goes ahead and buys penis straws, I guarantee your family wont' disown you.  Plus you don't know that she's going to actually do it. She's probably feeling slighted because here she is, trying to put together a fun night for you, and all you're doing is telling her how "inappropriate" it is.  Wouldn't you feel unappreciated if someone did that to you?  Let yourself and her cool off and then revisit this.  I have a feeling the conversation wasn't as civil as you wrote here, but I don't want to make assumptions.

clappel

Thanks rien713, that's a good idea, and probably what I'll end up doing.

To the others who for some reason think I was flipping out about it, I was not at all.  I never told her it was innappropriate.  I just told her I didn't want it and she said too bad and that was it.  There is no cooling down needed.  And, I never said anything about my family disowning me.  And, I could care less if anyone else wants penises, strippers, whatever, at their own event.  

As for me not appreciating her planning the party, she is not planning it.  My sister's, who are my maids of honor, are planning it.

frenchy730

My take on this is that she is just trying to play into the standard bachelorette party stereotype of penis shaped everything.  A lot of people have little do-dads like this at bachelorette parties, and a lot of people consider this 100% normal.  Even though you are having a more calm "sophisticated" bachelorette party, maybe your friend is just trying to infuse some of that other element into it.  I don't think shes doing it maliciously.  If you really have a problem with it, just call her and say something like, "listen friend, I know you're excited about the penis straws and all, but the idea makes me really uncomfortable.  Can we please nix that idea? Thanks"

Good luck!

andy71781

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_disrespectful-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:ce00572a-dffd-4c49-ae58-af3685f411e7Post:8c26ee23-e9fa-435c-bd40-c18c77d648db">Re: Disrespectful bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]I am more bothered by the fact that I told her I didn't want them  and she doesn't care than I am the penis straws themselves (or anything else she is planning to buy).  I just personally think that stuff is stupid and since it's my party I think that I should have a say in what is or isn't used.
Posted by clappel[/QUOTE]
I mean I agree to some point but at least where I am from part of being the bride is having a bit of fun poked at you.  Penis straws, clip on veils etc. 

I think that the ladies planning the party will keep her in line though.

[Deleted User]

Ultimately you can't control what she does or brings to the party, regardless of what you ask or even what she says she won't do. So, if she breaks out the straws or anything else just refuse to use it. She'll certainly get the point when you say, "no thanks, I'd rather not, it makes me uncomfortable" and leave it at that.

Dh's friends wanted to hire a stripper for his party and he told them no way in hell. They kept on insisting until he finally told him that if they hired a stripper he would walk out. They respected his wishes because they're good friends. Yours should do the same. I wouldn't be comfortable with that stuff either.

arthomas82

pixiedust84

She probably just thinks that you secretly want them. Like she'd feel bad as a BM if she didn't give you a traditional bachelorette - penises and all!

Just make sure she knows that you genuinely don't but you really appreciate her wanting to give you a "proper" party. All you want is to spend a fun night with your girlfriends.

And if she brings them anyways... well oh well. You'll survive!

drjewell

I think one of the problems is the name of it, what I mean is that you are have a batchelorette party as opposed to a bridal shower.  This type of stuff is typal for a batchelorette but not a bridal shower.  I told one of my friends that I was only doing a bridal shower and she was like oh no batchelorette party. I told her if she wanted me to have one she would have to put it together otherwise I wasn't having one. 

mbcdefg

The more you say you don't want them, the more she's probably going to try and bug you about them. So don't feed into it. Just say, "Yeah, O.K., whatever" and then change the subject.

If she happens to bring them to the party, just laugh and say, "Haha, very funny." And then either drink with it once to appease her and then get rid of it, or just pawn it off on someone else or put it on the side.

Just don't make a big deal out of it. I understand not wanting them (I asked my sister, when she was telling me about the bachelorette plans, not to have them either, so I know where you're coming from), but quite honestly I think a bride would come across as really biitchy and uptight if she threw a hissy fit over them. Try and go with the flow. I'm not saying to do something you're uncomfortable with, but a penis straw is a lot different than if she brought a stripper into the room.  A straw won't kill you.

And if your sisters are the hostesses and know that you don't want penis straws, I'll bet that they will put a stop to it. So stay out of it as best you can and let them handle it, if it comes to that.

lisarose7

I showed FI a penis straw once.  My friends and I met these girls with a B-party at a club one night and one of them gave me a penis straw to keep.  FI loved it so much he told me that I have to make sure I have them for my bachelorette...and he'll call the girl planning it himself to make sure we have them.

Have you ever heard the phrase, "Don't sweat the small stuff"?  Penis straws = small stuff.  I'm sure you'll have so much fun hanging out with your friends that you won't even care about the straws...plus, she can hand you a straw, but she can't make you drink from it.  Take a deep breath, relax, and enjoy your party.

clappel

Thanks for all of the good advice everyone!

SassyBrass

My "party" is next weekend, and we were planning a pretty simple thing too. First off I don't enjoy the clubbing scene as it is and I have 4 pregnant friends, I really don't think it's for them either. But if we get to dinner and someone brings some phallic shaped something or other, it's not a big deal. I don't want it, but if it becomes part of the evening, it is what it is. I was talking to one of my friends and she was sure to tell me she was bringing that stuff. Was she joking? Was she serious? I guess I'll see!

My point is, you're getting married, you've either had sex already, or are gonna start to soon, and you're an adult. Maybe this stuff isn't what you want for your evening, but don't worry about any of your female relatives. Just have a fun night socializing, and you won't even be bothered by that stuff, and unless they are ridiculously uptight, neither will they.

suz62984

I'm going with Pixiedust on this one. She said what I would have...but better

egadd

I am sorry you have this issue. I too am having an issue with one of mine.    If its a classy one where people of all ages and backgrounds will be attending then she should realize that perhaps penis straws may not be the best accessory  This doesnt sound like the audience for penis straws and you know your guests best and you should be comfortable with the goings-on at your party. Though nothing explicit or taboo really bothers me I know I have a few women (of different ages) in both sides of the family who would be sooooo uncomfortable by the sight of penis straws etc---for whatever reason, they would be extremely uncomfortable. I think they value being "classy" and cant appreciate the fun in celebrating with penis related party supplies. I would feel uncomfortable if it made my guests uncomfortable as I tend to be accomodating in these kinds of situtations. Tell her "too bad" is dismissing your wishes. She is making it more about her and what she wants rather than supporting you. I understand what the other girls say about the straws being not a big deal but to me, her not listening to your wishes and brushing them off is the bigger issue. Like I said, you may have guests you know wouldnt appreciate that kind of thing and maybe to you its important that they feel comfortable. She is for whatever reason making this about her when its about you; though she may mean well. Maybe she has the best of intentions but needs a reminder that because of the type of guests attending, the bachelorette party needs to be modified to fit the diversity of guests. Just tell her how you feel and see what she says. Good luck!

thechimichanga

Do I think penis straws are a big deal? No. But you don't want them at your party, therefore they should not be there.

However if I asked one of my BMs not to do something because I didn't want/like/enjoy it, I would expect them to honor my wishes and not do something I specifically asked not to happen.

I made a post about FIs bachelor party, he asked a million times for their to be no strippers, his BM said there wouldnt be and along came two strippers...that ended their friendship(along with some other factors). People DO need to have more respect for others, regardless if they think the person is being ridiculous, FIs BMs attitude was "whats the big deal, they're just strippers, Tara will never find out", yes BM thats why you slipped a roofie in his drink to get him to participate and you ruined his party(rant over)....its rude and inappropriate no matter what the situation. If someone says NO, its no, even if you think its funny.

If she does do it anyway, this is not a friendship ending act, but I wouldnt partake in any of the stuff she brought, just have fun at your own party, and if others want to drink out of the penis straws, good for them. Don't let it get to you.

526SadieSadie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_disrespectful-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:ce00572a-dffd-4c49-ae58-af3685f411e7Post:0c6a69dd-65cb-4e6b-8b5e-7a7eae4f1fe9">Re: Disrespectful bridesmaid</a>:
[QUOTE]Her attitude does suck; seems like she's planning the night more for herself than the bachelorette. But if she insists, let her waste her money. Refuse to humour her when she breaks it out at the party<strong>. No one can force you to drink through a penis straw or wear a veil of condoms on your head.
</strong>Posted by rien713[/QUOTE]

I agree 100% with this.
The blow-up dolls, penis straws and all that oher crap aren't my style either and I hope my sister, cousin and future sister in law don't waste their hard-earned money on them for my party.  Maybe you could tell her she's free to buy whatever she wants to buy, but you aren't going to take part in it?