Bridesmaids and Cleavage

cmackay017

I just need some advice with a situation with one of my bridesmaids. When I met with my maids to talk about the dress I told them they could all pick their own dress because I did not care if they wore the same one. I only gave them two "rules" to follow: 1) the dress had to be navy blue and 2) no cleavage. Well when I went with them to buy their dresses one of my girls asked the sales lady if she could put extra bra cups in so she can maximize her cleavage. The sales lady said yes and that she just has to talk with the seamstress when the dresses come in. I know I should have said something right then and there, but I was really taken a back and at a loss for words. Now I am not sure how to approach the subject. On one side, my girls paid for their dresses so I think they have a right to decide what alterations they get, but on the other hand I really don't want any cleavage because I don't think it looks classy in wedding photos. I really don't think asking my bridesmaids to be conservative is too much to ask, but I really don't know how to bring this up with her.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-cleavage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d8b78072-9770-4c1d-94fc-e8113019c380Post:51a818f8-50d9-4c52-9b20-941844039f8e">Bridesmaids and Cleavage</a>:
[QUOTE]I just need some advice with a situation with one of my bridesmaids. When I met with my maids to talk about the dress I told them they could all pick their own dress because I did not care if they wore the same one. I only gave them two "rules" to follow: 1) the dress had to be navy blue and 2) no cleavage. Well when I went with them to buy their dresses one of my girls asked the sales lady if she could put extra bra cups in so she can maximize her cleavage. The sales lady said yes and that she just has to talk with the seamstress when the dresses come in. I know I should have said something right then and there, but I was really taken a back and at a loss for words. Now I am not sure how to approach the subject. On one side, my girls paid for their dresses so I think they have a right to decide what alterations they get, but on the other hand I really don't want any cleavage because I don't think it looks classy in wedding photos. I really don't think asking my bridesmaids to be conservative is too much to ask, but I really don't know how to bring this up with her.
Posted by cmackay017[/QUOTE]
Well, there's cleavage, and then there's cleavage.  Speaking as a C/D girl, it's nigh impossible for me not to have a bit of cleavage when I wear something like a BM dres.  So long as her boobs aren't hanging out for all to see, ala something Brooke Burke would wear on DWTS, I'd let it go.  See what it looks like before you say anything.  <div>
</div><div>Even so, if she does show a bit of boobage, who will it really hurt?  Grandma has boobs, she won't faint.  And if she looks trashy, that's her problem, not yours.  Also, you really don't look at your wedding photos that often after you get married, believe it or not, so it makes absolutely no sense to tell someone to wear/not wear something because of the photos.  That's putting style over substance, and when has that <strong>ever</strong> been the right call?</div>

saxy414

Unless her boobs are actually hanging out of the dress, I wouldn't really worry about it.  I went to a wedding where the MOH had probably DD's, and her dress was falling down all night.  Yes, it was a problem, but I never once thought it reflected poorly on the bride.  I thought, "wow, that chick needed a few alterations."  Plus, in the pictures, she'll probably have her dress pulled up so it doesn't go anywhere.  Now, dancing would be the issue. :-)

aerinpegadrak

I think stipulating no cleavage is a bit excessive.  I had, by far, the smallest tits in my wedding party.  My MOH is something like a JJ.  She would have cleavage in a turtleneck.  All the girls managed to find appropriate and classy dresses, and I really don't look at any of my wedding pictures and think "OMG BOOBS."

I think you should just leave it alone.  IMO, you've already gone a bit too far and going further would only make things worse.  I doubt the seamstress would alter it to the point where she's going to be popping out, and your pictures will look far better with a bridesmaid who feels confident and comfortable than one who feels dowdy.  You'd better believe that comes through in body language and facial expressions.

Licia&Wayne

She didn't ask for the seamstress to cut off the top of the dress and make pasties out of it, so I think you'll be okay.

Seriously though, how she looks reflects on her and her alone. Just trust that as an adult she knows how to dress herself.

cmackay017

She is not a C/D girl and i am comfortable with natural cleavage. It is the falling out of the dress, pushed up to your neck cleavage I am worried about. She said she wants cleavage that "makes people's jaws drop". I guess I'm worried that people will be looking at her chest instead of me lol

mbcdefg

You haven't even seen the final alterations yet. Relax. A reputable salon/seamstress is not going to send a client out looking like a streetwalker. Likewise, a good friend is not going to intentionally give everyone at your wedding a peep show.

If you're worried about her junk hanging out for all to see, calm down and have some faith in your friend. If you're worried about even the teeny, weeniest bit of cleavage, then you're overreacting.

aerinpegadrak

Actually, going back through my pictures again, I had difficulty finding one of MOH, who definitely had the most cleavage, straight on.  In both the ceremony pictures and the posed formals, she's mostly standing in profile, so you really can't tell what her neckline is.  So if you're really going to be micromanaging the look of your pictures to such an insane degree, it would be better to ask your photographer to set up the pictures so that her cleavage doesn't show, rather than let everyone know how totally nuts you've gone.

For the record, though, I didn't give my photographer any such direction, and it never occurred to me to even consider worrying about this.  (I felt a little self-conscious that I was going to be surrounded by such impressive boobage, but I never told them that they had to cover up.)

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-cleavage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d8b78072-9770-4c1d-94fc-e8113019c380Post:25423297-fa82-48b2-bf4c-ea68db320992">Re: Bridesmaids and Cleavage</a>:
[QUOTE]She is not a C/D girl and i am comfortable with natural cleavage. It is the falling out of the dress, pushed up to your neck cleavage I am worried about. She said she wants cleavage that "makes people's jaws drop". <strong>I guess I'm worried that people will be looking at her chest instead of me lol</strong>
Posted by cmackay017[/QUOTE]
Well that's just ridiculous.  Accept that there are things you can control, and things you can't, and that this is the latter.  If you stress yourself out about stupid things like this, you won't enjoy your wedding, and you'll regret that more than you will a BM with titties.  That's a promise.

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-cleavage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:d8b78072-9770-4c1d-94fc-e8113019c380Post:25423297-fa82-48b2-bf4c-ea68db320992">Re: Bridesmaids and Cleavage</a>:
[QUOTE]She is not a C/D girl and i am comfortable with natural cleavage. It is the falling out of the dress, pushed up to your neck cleavage I am worried about. She said she wants cleavage that "makes people's jaws drop". <strong>I guess I'm worried that people will be looking at her chest instead of me lol
</strong>Posted by cmackay017[/QUOTE]



If that's honestly the case, then you have serious self-esteem issues, and/or a giant need for attention.

saxy414

What Brooke just said, PLUS, you'll be the one in the white dress. People are going to be looking at you no matter how many boobs are floating around your wedding. 

(Actually, I take that back.  If there are floating boobs, people may be looking at those.  Some cleavage?  No big deal.)

trix1223

Wow-is this the BM you were considering kicking to the curb?  Because if it's yet another BM, I'd say you have drama galore going on with your WP.

FWIW:  The line about her stealing your thunder because of her cleavage is just childish.  The person who everyone pays attention to on wedding day is the girl in the big white dress.  To assume otherwise is just ridic.

lalap69

Specifying no cleavage was over the line.  Women have boobs, that means sometimes there will be cleavage.  There's nothing wrong with that.

If you're worried about people ignoring you, the bride, because one of your bm's is showing a little cleavage, you need more help than a message board can offer you.

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-cleavage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:d8b78072-9770-4c1d-94fc-e8113019c380Post:25423297-fa82-48b2-bf4c-ea68db320992">Re: Bridesmaids and Cleavage</a>:
[QUOTE]She is not a C/D girl and i am comfortable with natural cleavage. It is the falling out of the dress, pushed up to your neck cleavage I am worried about. She said she wants cleavage that "makes people's jaws drop".<strong> I guess I'm worried that people will be looking at her chest instead of me lol
</strong>Posted by cmackay017[/QUOTE]

I couldn't take you seriously past this part. If you're not mature enough to realize that someone's going to have bigger boobs than you at some point and that it doesn't mean no one's going to pay attention to you on YOUR WEDDING DAY, then there's nothing else to say and I don't know why you're getting married.

filaw

I don't see why she needs to use this particular day to have cleavage that would "make people's jaw drop".  It's one thing for it to be unavoidable, it's quite another for her to be blatantly talking to you about how she's purposefully trying to go against your expressly defined wishes.  That's the part that's weird to me - that she's talking to you directly about wanting to do the opposite of what you asked.  It sounds passive aggressive to me.

I think it's fine for you to be concerned about cleavage.  I totally understand where you're coming from, that it can be very distracting.  Of course, you want to be sensitive when talking about it, because it's a sensitive area.  But from how you describe it, I really get the impression there's a bigger problem here.  I'd say start the discussion by trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, that maybe she didn't hear you the first time when you asked that the dresses be modest.  

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-cleavage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:d8b78072-9770-4c1d-94fc-e8113019c380Post:4109fab5-21f8-48f8-8d10-01ec7c719d63">Re: Bridesmaids and Cleavage</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't see why she needs to use this particular day to have cleavage that would "make people's jaw drop".  It's one thing for it to be unavoidable, it's quite another for her to be blatantly talking to you about how she's purposefully trying to go against your expressly defined wishes.  That's the part that's weird to me - that she's talking to you directly about wanting to do the opposite of what you asked.  It sounds passive aggressive to me. I think it's fine for you to be concerned about cleavage.  I totally understand where you're coming from, that it can be very distracting.  Of course, you want to be sensitive when talking about it, because it's a sensitive area.  But from how you describe it, I really get the impression there's a bigger problem here.  I'd say start the discussion by trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, that maybe she didn't hear you the first time when you asked that the dresses be modest.  
Posted by filaw[/QUOTE]

Or maybe she thought the OPs request for no cleavage (which was out of line for grown women dressing themselves) was so ridiculous that she was messing with the OP to prove a point. It's not exactly classy, but it could be a very legitimate reaction to the situation.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-cleavage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d8b78072-9770-4c1d-94fc-e8113019c380Post:4109fab5-21f8-48f8-8d10-01ec7c719d63">Re: Bridesmaids and Cleavage</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't see why she needs to use this particular day to have cleavage that would "make people's jaw drop".  It's one thing for it to be unavoidable, it's quite another for her to be blatantly talking to you about how she's purposefully trying to go against your expressly defined wishes.  That's the part that's weird to me - that she's talking to you directly about wanting to do the opposite of what you asked.  It sounds passive aggressive to me. I think it's fine for you to be concerned about cleavage.  I totally understand where you're coming from, that it can be very distracting.  Of course, you want to be sensitive when talking about it, because it's a sensitive area.  But from how you describe it, I really get the impression there's a bigger problem here.  I'd say start the discussion by trying to give her the benefit of the doubt, that maybe she didn't hear you the first time when you asked that the dresses be modest.  
Posted by filaw[/QUOTE]
It's fine for OP to be irked about it, but there's absolutely nothing she can do about it.  She needs to accept that and focus on other aspects of the wedding.  I also have a feeling that "cleavage that will make men's jaws drop" was a joke, since no one actually talks like that and if OP is as finicky IRL as she was in her OP, I could see a BM wanting to joke around about it.  <div>
</div><div>Even if the girl was serious, this is where you stop and ask yourself, "One Day after the wedding, will it matter how much cleavage my BM had?"  The answer is, of course, no.  Plus OP isn't regulating the classiness of the attire of her guests so there's always a chance for boobage at a wedding.  It's one of those shake-your-head-but-move-on moments.</div>

filaw

Nothing she can do about it?  I guess I don't see that it's reached that point yet.  They haven't even had a conversation about it yet.  OP had two very simple requests, one of the BM's is expressly talking about how she's going against one of them.  I think the easiest thing is to just start a conversation along the lines of, "Oh, you must not have heard/understood my request...."

If the BM pitches a fit, well OP, that's where you get to decide whether or not this is a battle worth fighting.  As much as I may think you're totally within reasonable bounds, people can be touchy about blaming the bride, so you do risk others making you into the bad guy in the situation if you push on it.

At the same time, I think there's a big difference between a WP member, who's going to be standing up in front of everyone, and in *tons* of pictures, and random guest, even family guest.  

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-cleavage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d8b78072-9770-4c1d-94fc-e8113019c380Post:41ecbe19-a039-4230-abdd-f4d9927c65d2">Re: Bridesmaids and Cleavage</a>:
[QUOTE]Nothing she can do about it?  I guess I don't see that it's reached that point yet.  They haven't even had a conversation about it yet.  OP had two very simple requests, one of the BM's is expressly talking about how she's going against one of them.  I think the easiest thing is to just start a conversation along the lines of, "Oh, you must not have heard/understood my request...." If the BM pitches a fit, well OP, that's where you get to decide whether or not this is a battle worth fighting.  As much as I may think you're totally within reasonable bounds, people can be touchy about blaming the bride, so you do risk others making you into the bad guy in the situation if you push on it. At the same time, I think there's a big difference between a WP member, who's going to be standing up in front of everyone, and in *tons* of pictures, and random guest, even family guest.  
Posted by filaw[/QUOTE]
If a grown woman wants to show cleavage, there's nothing OP can do to stop her.  She's an adult.  OP has made her preferences on the matter clear, but short of monitoring her 24/7, she can't stop her.  So she needs to let this one go.  A little boobage isn't going to ruin her wedding, detract attention in any meaningful way, or be of any consequence.  <div>
</div><div>Seriously, trying to control EVERY aspect of the wedding will drive you crazy.  Don't even try.</div><div>
</div><div>Our wedding album has maybe two photos of the WP in formal shots and the rest are all candid.  It's not like OP will be haunted by them.  She may even laugh about it (if you can't laugh about your wedding, you're doing it wrong).  But it's not like she'll have to take a black pen and cover up the BM.  I really think OP is overreacting to an offhand remark and needs to chill out, and I don't think encouraging the worries helps anyone.</div><div>
</div><div>Do you always disagree with everyone for the sake of it?  I'm not trying to be mean, it's just that in posts I've noticed 15 people (regs and non-regs) will say X and you'll say Y, and OP will cling to your statement as validation and ignore any other point made.  Not that you can't or shouldn't share your views, but it seems to be just validation and not actual advice, and validation is ultimately useless to OP. I can understand wanting to have someone's back if people are getting out of control, but I don't see that being necessary on this board (or in this thread).  I know I'd rather have 15 strangers tell me something's a bad idea before I do it than to do it and hurt someone I care about.</div>

filaw

Brooke, you've asked me this question before, so I apologize to OP for hijacking the thread for a moment, but I didn't want to keep ignoring you.  Whenever I express an opinion it is because I do believe it.  I just tend to not feel the need to say anything on threads where I simply agree with what a dozen or more people have already said.

bablingbrooke

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-cleavage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d8b78072-9770-4c1d-94fc-e8113019c380Post:a3307ab0-9667-4b3e-b452-52e79c0ac615">Re: Bridesmaids and Cleavage</a>:
[QUOTE]Brooke, you've asked me this question before, so I apologize to OP for hijacking the thread for a moment, but I didn't want to keep ignoring you.  Whenever I express an opinion it is because I do believe it.  I just tend to not feel the need to say anything on threads where I simply agree with what a dozen or more people have already said.
Posted by filaw[/QUOTE]
I apologize, I didn't realize I'd asked this before.  No, it's fine, like I said, totally your right to say what you ant to say.  It just seemed like it was, "Well everyone says X so I say Y" sometimes, and sometimes people do that just to rile up everyone who gave advice.  Didn't think you were one to do that, but I was curious.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-cleavage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d8b78072-9770-4c1d-94fc-e8113019c380Post:01d72300-9742-4eae-8ab6-f368a967729f">Re: Bridesmaids and Cleavage</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaids and Cleavage : Or maybe she thought the OPs request for no cleavage (which was out of line for grown women dressing themselves) was so ridiculous that she was messing with the OP to prove a point. It's not exactly classy, but it could be a very legitimate reaction to the situation.
Posted by Manwaithiel[/QUOTE]
That's also how I viewed it. 

lalap69

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-cleavage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d8b78072-9770-4c1d-94fc-e8113019c380Post:01d72300-9742-4eae-8ab6-f368a967729f">Re: Bridesmaids and Cleavage</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaids and Cleavage : Or maybe she thought the OPs request for no cleavage (which was out of line for grown women dressing themselves) was so ridiculous that she was messing with the OP to prove a point. It's not exactly classy, but it could be a very legitimate reaction to the situation.
Posted by Manwaithiel[/QUOTE]
I would totally do this.

Robyn5298

I don't think its out of line at all for you to ask for a modest neckline.  You are being thoughtful in allowing your bridesmaids to choose a dress that flatters each of them individually as opposed to assigning them a dress to wear whether they like it or not.  They should be equally thoughtful to you and not intentionally choose something to make people's "jaws drop" in spite of your request to be conservative.

I suggest you talk to your friend before she has any alterations done.  This doesn't have to be a very serious discussion, you could just casually say something like "hey, you were joking about the jaw-dropping cleavage thing, right?"  See what she says.  She could have been messing with you (as other posters have said) and if she isn't, you can discuss it further.  If she's a good enough friend to have in your bridal party I'll bet she'd tone things down for you, even if she doesn't agree with you and rolls her eyes behind your back.

pretzelgrrl

I was a bridesmaid in a wedding and the bride asked us not to show too much...I made up the joke "church cleavage"...of course what happened one of the bridemaids got her dress totally altered and it was way low-cut. 
I get where you are coming from asking for no cleavage especially if it is in a church.  I guess since you are close with her try to find a time when it comes up and check to see if she is joking/messing with you.  Like everyone says if she is going to do it unfortunately you cant change it...but then it will look bad on her if it is so much cleavage/boobs falling out that she looks like a stripper at a wedding...trust me they will be looking at how beautiful you are instead of her.
   Maybe you can buy her a nice pashmina and give it to her to wear at the wedding   Or let her know if she is showing so much cleavage she wants jaws to drop you will be handing out one's for people to give her   Just Kidding

vixey

I guess I just don't see the big deal with cleavage.  Sure, the guys might be like, "nice, boobs."  But I feel like that will be the extent of it.  I mean they're just boobs.

And if you look back at your pictures and think, "I can't believe she wore that and ruined my wedding!" that's just silly.

SSaltzman87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-cleavage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:d8b78072-9770-4c1d-94fc-e8113019c380Post:25423297-fa82-48b2-bf4c-ea68db320992">Re: Bridesmaids and Cleavage</a>:
[QUOTE]She is not a C/D girl and i am comfortable with natural cleavage. It is the falling out of the dress, pushed up to your neck cleavage I am worried about. She said she wants cleavage that "makes people's jaws drop". <strong>I guess I'm worried that people will be looking at her chest instead of me lol
</strong>Posted by cmackay017[/QUOTE]

I hope to god you're not serious about that statement.

marinabreeze

I guess I have mixed feelings on this one.

I think that in some circumstances, I think it's fair to ask BMs to have a modest neckline. Some churches look for modesty in attire, etc.  I think of it as similar to specifying the length of the dress, etc.  Also, it sounds like from the OP that the BM in question isn't from the well-endowed club (of which along with some PPs I'm am a part with my F/FF girls), she just decided to go against what OP asked, right in front of her face.

That said, unless there is a church requirement for this, if I were the OP I wouldn't worry about it, just because it's not a hill worth dying on.  If BM is getting her dress altered by people who know what they're doing, she's not going to spill out of her dress.  Also, even if it doesn't look right, that's on the BM, not the bride.  It's no different than BMs who decide to order their dresses five sizes too small and can't drop the weight before the wedding...it's on them if their dress size/alteration choices were ill-advised.  Besides, regardless of the cleavage, the bride is the one in the white dress, so I don't see why she's worried about the BM's cleavage upstaging her.

ckonidak

I think Robyn said it best. I certainly can understand the desire to have a modest neckline as well (and I have a busty top half). Have a chat with her (I liked the wording Robyn suggested) and I think the other posters could be correct, she could just be messing with you, but if she's not, I think it's reasonable for you to care about how your BM's look. However, I agree that as a grown woman, she may go against your wishes, polite or not, and it may be something that you just will have to deal with. Cross your fingers and just remember to breathe! Your day will be about you and your FI getting married, no matter what dresses your BM's are in.

Manwaithiel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-cleavage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:d8b78072-9770-4c1d-94fc-e8113019c380Post:f4eb3f8e-3d10-4c52-98fc-843cdded5152">Re: Bridesmaids and Cleavage</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaids and Cleavage : I would totally do this.
Posted by lalap69[/QUOTE]

This is why I love you.

lalap69

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_bridesmaids-cleavage?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:d8b78072-9770-4c1d-94fc-e8113019c380Post:2d70c9c9-ecbf-492b-af03-314ee77720c7">Re: Bridesmaids and Cleavage</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaids and Cleavage : This is why I love you.
Posted by Manwaithiel[/QUOTE]
<3