Asking the groomsmen...

jennaferanne

Probably not your typical problem...

My FI is pretty shy and because of that we are scaling our wedding down as far as possible...well under 100...which cuts out many, many people. But it is important that he is comfortable on such an important day.

That being said..he is even dreading asking his groomsmen to be in the wedding. He wanted his sister to be his "sister of honor" and in order to ask her he put it off and put it off and finally sent her a text message. I told him he cannot text and ask anyone else. It seems so wrong to me. They all live roughly three hours away so it's not like he can just stop by and ask, and he hates talking on the phone and he won't call. I made cards and hand delivered them to all my bridesmaids and asked them that way and he asked if I could make him cards and if he could just mail them. That way they can think about it and not be put on the spot. I think he feels bad about the financial obligation that comes with being in the wedding...on top of asking yet another big question. The wedding is a year away but I think that it is important that our wedding party (that is comprised of our closest friends and some family) have ample time to save up money for wedding festivities and their outfits since money is tight for everyone.

What do you guys think? Are sending out cards asking to be in the wedding tacky?

Maggie0829

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_asking-the-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e511260f-af23-4366-b0f0-285dc1cd2492Post:bbfc3b64-034f-4769-b561-4bde921a4fc9">Asking the groomsmen...</a>:
[QUOTE]Probably not your typical problem... My FH is pretty shy and because of that we are scaling our wedding down as far as possible...well under 100...which cuts out many, many people. But it is important that he is comfortable on such an important day. That being said..he is even dreading asking his groomsmen to be in the wedding. He wanted his sister to be his "sister of honor" and in order to ask her he put it off and put it off and finally sent her a text message. <strong>I told him he cannot text and ask anyone else. It seems so wrong to me. </strong>They all live roughly three hours away so it's not like he can just stop by and ask, and he hates talking on the phone and he won't call. I made cards and hand delivered them to all my bridesmaids and asked them that way and he asked if I could make him cards and if he could just mail them. That way they can think about it and not be put on the spot. I think he feels bad about the financial obligation that comes with being in the wedding...on top of asking yet another big question. <strong>The wedding is a year away</strong> but I think that it is important that our wedding party (that is comprised of our closest friends and some family) have ample time to save up money for wedding festivities and their outfits since money is tight for everyone. What do you guys think? Are sending out cards asking to be in the wedding tacky?
Posted by jennaferanne[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry but your FI should be able to ask however he wants.  Just because it "feels wrong" to you and you wouldn't text to ask you friends, if that is the way he typically commuicates with his buds then he is well within his rights to ask them that way.

Honestly, you need to stay out of this.  He may have asked you to help because you might have been coming across pushing and making him feel that his way of asking is wrong, which it isn't.

aerinpegadrak

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_asking-the-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:e511260f-af23-4366-b0f0-285dc1cd2492Post:bbfc3b64-034f-4769-b561-4bde921a4fc9">Asking the groomsmen...</a>:
[QUOTE]Probably not your typical problem... My FH is pretty shy and because of that we are scaling our wedding down as far as possible...well under 100...which cuts out many, many people. But it is important that he is comfortable on such an important day. That being said..he is even dreading asking his groomsmen to be in the wedding. He wanted his sister to be his "sister of honor" and in order to ask her he put it off and put it off and finally sent her a text message. I told him he cannot text and ask anyone else. It seems so wrong to me. They all live roughly three hours away so it's not like he can just stop by and ask, and he hates talking on the phone and he won't call. I made cards and hand delivered them to all my bridesmaids and asked them that way and he asked if I could make him cards and if he could just mail them. That way they can think about it and not be put on the spot. I think he feels bad about the financial obligation that comes with being in the wedding...on top of asking yet another big question. The wedding is a year away but I think that it is important that our wedding party (that is comprised of our closest friends and some family) have ample time to save up money for wedding festivities and their outfits since money is tight for everyone. What do you guys think? Are sending out cards asking to be in the wedding tacky?
Posted by jennaferanne[/QUOTE]
If it wasn't "tacky" (oh, how I despise that word) for you to send them to your attendants, why would it be tacky for him to send them to his?  Though ditto PP that you should really just stay out of it entirely, because it's between him and his attendants.<div>
</div><div>Also, a note: yes, within a year is usually okay for a wedding, but you really need to get rid of the mindset that they will need to "save up" for your wedding.  If money is tight, it's your job as a couple to work within the confines of what the attendants can afford.  Being in a wedding absolutely should not be a financial burden, because no one should want to do that to their friends.</div>

julibug86

I agree that you should just let him ask however he's comfortable!  My FI emailed everyone and literally cut and pasted the message into each new email.  This wouldn't be my preferred method, but I let him do what he wants.  He's not much of a phone talker either and all of the groomsmen are out of state.  Plus, I'd hope that all the (potential) groomsmen know your groom well enough to know that he doesn't care for the phone and that they understand his ways.

KMLara

I texted one of my bridesmaids asking her and she could have cared less. She was just excited to be a part of the celebration. The guys WILL NOT CARE how they are asked.

SmallenForever

We asked most of our wedding party through text. It's seriously no big deal. There are no rules about how to ask. I actually loathe this new trend of doing all sorts of elaborate things to ask your wedding party. It's all just another way the wedding industry can make money. Text is really fine.

jennaferanne

Thanks for all of your input...perhaps I need to clarify some things though...

I did not mail cards to my bridesmaids. I hand delivered them to each of them personally. They didn't know what was in the cards...there was that moment of jumping and hugging and super crazy excitement that I got to share with them. I realise guys won't react this way.

I am not some crazy control freak. If he wanted to text his friends, there was/is no way I would stop him. I simply said that I thought he should do it in person. That is all. Then when I was making the cards he asked if I could make him ones and then maybe he could just mail them.

Then I came here to get other bride to be's opinions on that since I am on the fence. I didn't really answer him...I just said...maybe we could do that. 

Perhaps you guys are right, though. However he wants...what does it matter as long as it gets done? 

Leenie10

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_asking-the-groomsmen?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:e511260f-af23-4366-b0f0-285dc1cd2492Post:60aaf52c-d272-45e9-b5b9-ff1b3a910df7">Re: Asking the groomsmen...</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for all of your input...perhaps I need to clarify some things though... I did not mail cards to my bridesmaids. I hand delivered them to each of them personally. They didn't know what was in the cards...there was that moment of jumping and hugging and super crazy excitement that I got to share with them. I realise guys won't react this way. :) I am not some crazy control freak. If he wanted to text his friends, there was/is no way I would stop him. I simply said that I thought he should do it in person. That is all. Then when I was making the cards he asked if I could make him ones and then maybe he could just mail them. Then I came here to get other bride to be's opinions on that since I am on the fence. I didn't really answer him...I just said...maybe we could do that.  Perhaps you guys are right, though. However he wants...what does it matter as long as it gets done? 
Posted by jennaferanne[/QUOTE]

My groom is also very shy, so I can relate. I agree that most men would not have the reaction that your friends had and that you should let him ask however he is most comfortable.Hopefully your groom doesn't handle it the way mine did in terms of timing. Mine procrastinated as long as he could! but you have plenty of time.