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Wedding Party
bellinibellini
newb
How to handle fiance's mean sister?
Long story short, my fiance's sister is very selfish, immature, mean and condescending. Has been since we started dating, for no good reason. Now that we're engaged, her behavior is extra frustrating since my fiance wanted her to be happy for us but she continues to be extremely self-involved and childish. She also has been and continues to be very rude and dismissive to me. She clearly resents my presence at any family gathering, and when I dare to participate in the conversation she ignores me, avoids eye contact even when I'm addressing her directly, or just plain talks over me.
I've tried to deal with this by avoiding his family as much as possible, which is a shame because (after a few difficult years) I now get along with his parents and enjoy spending time with them. If she's there, though, I'm pretty much ignored and any conversation revolves around her. Parents are kind of clueless socially, plus she's mean in ways that aren't immediately noticeable. I bite my tongue a lot in an attempt to take the high road, which is thoroughly unsatisfying because she's one of those people that is too oblivious to notice that I could be nasty but am in fact trying to not sink to her level.
Am I obligated to include her in my WP, even though doing so would probably make everyone miserable? I don't want to offend her, but any attempts I've made to reach out to her in the past have fallen flat so I think in terms of an 'olive branch' this would be unsuccessful. I also don't want my fiance's parents to be offended on her behalf, as my relationship with them has always been rocky (they're a very difficult, antisocial family) and we're finally on good terms.
My fiance is extremely supportive of me not including her, and he is appalled by how nasty she's been. He's also upset that his only sibling can't be more excited for this huge event happening in his life.
I've tried to deal with this by avoiding his family as much as possible, which is a shame because (after a few difficult years) I now get along with his parents and enjoy spending time with them. If she's there, though, I'm pretty much ignored and any conversation revolves around her. Parents are kind of clueless socially, plus she's mean in ways that aren't immediately noticeable. I bite my tongue a lot in an attempt to take the high road, which is thoroughly unsatisfying because she's one of those people that is too oblivious to notice that I could be nasty but am in fact trying to not sink to her level.
Am I obligated to include her in my WP, even though doing so would probably make everyone miserable? I don't want to offend her, but any attempts I've made to reach out to her in the past have fallen flat so I think in terms of an 'olive branch' this would be unsuccessful. I also don't want my fiance's parents to be offended on her behalf, as my relationship with them has always been rocky (they're a very difficult, antisocial family) and we're finally on good terms.
My fiance is extremely supportive of me not including her, and he is appalled by how nasty she's been. He's also upset that his only sibling can't be more excited for this huge event happening in his life.
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Re: How to handle fiance's mean sister?
I'm curious though as to whether your FI has ever had a frank discussion with his sister about how she is treating you.
His family doesn't really go for frank discussions. They're very passive aggressive. Right now he's weighing whether saying something to her would be productive or if she would just hunker down and get super defensive.
He's had plenty of fights with his parents for me, luckily, but I've actually discouraged him from saying anything to his sister because I think it would just make her more vicious.
And your FI should always deal with his family, not you. So I would continue the way you currently treat FSIL.
BTW: May I ask how old she is? It can be hard for a sibling to see another sibling as a grown up. My oldest brother went off to college when I was in 7th grade. By the time he came back home after 4 years, I was in high school, but yet he kept treating me like the 7th grader I was when he left. It got even worse when he moved away to attend grad school, I was an adult in college, yet he still treated me like a 7th grader.
That stinks about your SIL. Even if she pulled out to be in the wedding of someone with whom she was closer, it's pretty basic etiquette that you don't commit to something and then change your mind at the last minute. Clearly mishandling WPs can lead to lots of resentment!
You may be right on the age dynamic. She's older by a few years.
She also hasn't really dated anyone so I don't think she's able to put her brother's relationship in any context. She just sees it as her brother being taken away and hasn't had her own experience to show her that as people grow up, they make families of their own and it's normal. It also may be weird for her that the younger sibling is the one in such a committed relationship.
Maybe it would be a good thing for her FSIL to see it because then maybe her FSIL will realize how crazy she is acting and grow up a bit.
I did miss the 'netiquette' opportunity of saying that I was considering deleting the post due to its details and the likelihood of someone who knows fiance's family seeing it.
I guess I'll have to take my chances there.. it wouldn't hurt FSIL to be confronted with how inappropriate her behavior is, but I think it's more likely that it will antagonize her further rather than promote self-reflection, given how immature she is. Oh well.
[QUOTE]Duly noted, Maggie. I've returned a paraphrased and less detailed version to the original post. I did miss the 'netiquette' opportunity of saying that I was considering deleting the post due to its details and the likelihood of someone who knows fiance's family seeing it, but I think individually thanking each commenter makes it clear that I do appreciate their input, no?
Posted by helenrose315[/QUOTE]
As I said in my first post I wasn't beratting you seeing as you were new to the boards. I was just letting you know how deleting your post can come across. Also, like I said, posts should be left up for others to learn from or gain information from.
I also never suggested your post back up. I was just giving you a heads up about how things go around here and many posters aren't super thrilled with dirty deletes.
I certainly wasn't trying to be mean or pissy. But I do stand by what I said that I hope your FSIL sees what comments were made because it just might knock some sense into her.
And yes DD=dirty delete.
The eye contact is just one example I was trying to give (without going into all the details) of how rudely she comes across when I try to interact with her. I've been involved with her brother for years now, so it's not that I'm new anymore. I think she's just immature. She can socialize with other people just fine.
I've seen in other situations that she does NOT handle change well at all, which I think is a big part of it. She sees it as me taking her brother away from her, instead of being aware that siblings start families of their own as they grow up and that's normal and doesn't have to mean the end of anything, just an adjustment. Any disagreement with her brother and she runs and tattles to her parents on him. If a situation isn't precisely how she wants it, she either lashes out, whines, or sulks (have seen this on multiple occasions). In general she handles things very immaturely and selfishly.
So basically I think I'm dealing with someone who's emotionally 8 years old. I realize how vehement this must sound, but I've had years to observe her and how immaturely she behaves, and have had her insult me more times than I can count. She's fiance's only sibling so obviously I don't want to isolate him from her or make him uncomfortable by being unhappy around her, but I can't stand her. He's also getting fed up with how she treats me. Any tips?
I like your suggestions for what to say. As tempted as I know I will be to respond to FMIL with something like, 'Well, if she were my bridesmaid she'd actually have to acknowlege my existence, and we know how miserable that would make her,' your polite rebuttals are much less likely to create issues