How to incorporate friends in wedding if not a Bridesmaid?

missmarissa25

Hi,

I have three girls I went to college with but I am only asking one of them to be my bridesmaid because I already have four other bridesmaids. I do not want too many. Also, my fiance only has 3 groomsmen. What is some way that I include these two other girls from college into the wedding where they still feel special? I love them both and do not want them to feel bad! any advise is greatly appreciated and thank you! 

OliveOilsMom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-incorporate-friends-if-wedding-if-not-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:eca5f903-2c23-41c2-849e-bde88564d67dPost:fe3d6d25-99d3-4a55-b367-93b0b54135f7">How to incorporate friends in wedding if not a Bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi, I have three girls I went to college with but I am only asking one of them to be my bridesmaid because I already have four other bridesmaids. I do not want too many. Also, my fiance only has 3 groomsmen. What is some way that I include these two other girls from college into the wedding where they still feel special? I love them both and do not want them to feel bad! any advise is greatly appreciated and thank you! 
Posted by missmarissa25[/QUOTE]

Singer or reading are really your only options.  Its also an honor to be a guest.  Uneven sides are fine, so unless you need to keep your WP size low due to costs, I would ask them to be BMs.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-incorporate-friends-if-wedding-if-not-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:eca5f903-2c23-41c2-849e-bde88564d67dPost:ee37b8a2-88aa-4263-827e-b7397d99a3d2">Re: How to incorporate friends in wedding if not a Bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to How to incorporate friends in wedding if not a Bridesmaid? : Singer or reading are really your only options.  Its also an honor to be a guest.  Uneven sides are fine, so unless you need to keep your WP size low due to costs, I would ask them to be BMs.
Posted by OliveOilsMom[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This. Don't even entertain the idea of "guestbook attendant" or even worse, "personal attendant." Don't.

</div>

harper0813

I agree with PPs. It is an honor to be a guest, but if you fear that they'll feel left out, there's nothing wrong with having 7 BMs to 4 GMs. And, as OOM said, reader and singer are the only other "positions" of honor - you could even have them do the reading together, or one reading each. I can speak to the whole "no personal attendant" thing... one of my closest friends from college asked me to be hers and I accepted, hoping it would re-kindle our slightly fading relationship. It didn't, and I ended up feeling rather used on the day of. I wasn't good enough to be her bridesmaid (which I hadn't been expecting anyway), but I was good enough to be her unpaid day-of coordinator. Alas.

JoanE2012

Wedding parties don't need even sides.  If you want them on your side but not doing it because of the uneven sides, you really should reconsider. 

KatWAG

I really wish people would read past posts before posting a question that has been asked about 15 times in the last 3 days. (tangent over)

Peledreamsofrain

You know, it might be possible to design the ceremony around having her as an adult Ring Bearer of sorts.  That would be an honor that wouldn't be asking too much of her.

Like, say, she stays seated in the front row, then when they ask for the ring, she gets up and brings it up to you to to present it, then goes back to her seat.

*shrug* just spitballing here.

Peledreamsofrain

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-incorporate-friends-if-wedding-if-not-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:37Discussion:eca5f903-2c23-41c2-849e-bde88564d67dPost:33b0d178-ba42-4387-b414-499092106a0d">Re: How to incorporate friends in wedding if not a Bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]Why make her an Adult ringbearer??? Make her a bridesmaid!
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]


Yeah that would be the route I would take personally, but it's sounding like the OP doesn't want to.  I don't see why not make her a bridesmaid, life would be easier that way.

dukegirl1908

In the south, we have groups of women called "house parties" or "hostesses", who typically hand out programs or direct guests to the reception.  They are a part of the wedding party and attend the rehearsal dinner, get a special seat at the ceremony, etc, but also get to wear whatever they want. Could your friend serve in such a role?  My friend got married last summer, and selected our other friend to be a bridesmaid and did not ask me.  To be honest, it hurt my feelings as we had been a "BFF trio" for years.  So I would include her if you think it will damage your relationship.

maadee91

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-incorporate-friends-if-wedding-if-not-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:eca5f903-2c23-41c2-849e-bde88564d67dPost:1222773f-3655-4b15-a251-245f77e6add3">Re: How to incorporate friends in wedding if not a Bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]You know, it might be possible to design the ceremony around having her as an adult Ring Bearer of sorts.  That would be an honor that wouldn't be asking too much of her. Like, say, she stays seated in the front row, then when they ask for the ring, she gets up and brings it up to you to to present it, then goes back to her seat. *shrug* just spitballing here.
Posted by Peledreamsofrain[/QUOTE]

<div>Actually, we're doing a ring-warming ceremony and asked a close friend to be, as we're calling it, "Lady of the Rings" =) As guests arrive, she explains the ring-warming and gives them the rings. Then, she'll hold onto them until the ceremony itself, being the last person to "warm" (or in our case, pray over them) before we get married.</div>

NYCMercedes

OP, guest is an honor. Host so that they have a good time. To some of the other posters: Friends should not have to work your wedding. If you do not have enough $$$ for a DOC, then scale back your plans. For example, you don't need someone to hand out programs if you don't have programs. Do you want a friend to have to leave drinking and partying to stand by the guest book? Do you think it is fair to make a friend stand at the door to direct traffic? Read the thread a few above this, "Experience as a personal attendant".

sgrace711

I know this may be an unpopular opinion, but I think that asking her to be a hostess is a valid option. Of course no one can know better than you if this would be appropriate but I have both been a hostess at a wedding and am having one. I wanted to give my cousin a special place in the wedding without having her be a bridesmaid (due to various cicumstances she and I both understand). When I did it I was very honored to have been asked and very excited to get to be a part of the wedding day especially in a way that was more helpful and less public speaking. With my hostess I have made it very clear to her that I want her to enjoy the day. Her only role will be as guests arrive and then she can just relax and enjoy herself. She will also have a corsage and a special gift from us. She seems genuinly excited about it and has offered to do things that I didn't ask (and am not having her do). She is also being included in all pre-wedding events as if she were a bridesmaid  If you treat the position of a hostess as an honored position and not as a "job" then that's what it will be. It might not be right for everyone or every wedding but in at least these two instances it is perfect. Plus, hostess issue aside, you may be surprised at how much the people who care about you want to help you and while their help shouldn't be demanded or required it can be graciously accepted. 

sgrace711

Like I said before, only you can really determine what is appropriate in your situation but you have many options for your friends from readers and ring warmers (which i think is a lovely idea!) to hostess, guest book attendant (particularly if you are having an unusual "guestbook" where children or the elderly may need assistance), and greeter. Also if your friends have any special talents you may ask them to be a part of your wedding based on their talent or skill. For some people, some of these things may not be appropriate while other people would love to pitch in and even get excited about it. 

YOU are the judge of what best suits your friends. Don't let other opinions full of negativity get to you. Some of the positions were certainly created just to include special people who are somewhere between guest and bridesmaid but whether they are "crappy jobs" and "chores" or positions of honour and even fun roles (as it was for me) is entirely determined by the attitude of the bride and the person in question.

Certainly the over-critical people who would disparage someone else's wedding by over generalizing and throwing around words like "crappy" are not experts on social graces. 

sgrace711

The Emily Post Institute has examples of several instances where close friends or family may be asked to perform various duties and specifically mentions "guest book attendant" as a valid option. 

I do sincerely believe that, as each group of friends and family are their own society with their own micro-culture, only the bride, as a member of that group can truly say what is most appropriate for her friends and family. While there are overarching principles of graciousness and a sensitivity to the feelings of others is the fundamental element for all etiquette, there is still plenty of room for individuality. 

If your friends would consider a role such as guest book attendant to be work and prefer to not take on extra duties then clearly offering these types of roles would be inappropriate. If your friends like to be involved, and seem eager to be included in the wedding process then perhaps these roles would be a good fit. 

In some cultures you would not want to ask someone to do something that could be considered work for your wedding and make them feel exploited. In others it is entirely proper to ask people to be involved and to graciously request that they perform various duties and they are more than happy, even honored to do so. I happen to belong to a group of family and friends in the latter category. My cousins fiance belongs in the former category. Neither school of thought is necessarily wrong as each displays a sensitivity to the feelings of others. One simply needs to determine how different individuals and different groups may view various wedding roles.

Be aware that graciously accepting help and honoring those who agree to perform various duties lovingly is very different from doling out "jobs" or demanding that people work when they would rather not. Just as disagreement is very different from name calling and understanding is very different from  dismissive judgement. 

ChelleBarr7

To all of the people being a-holes about asking the friends to help coordinate, that is YOUR opinion to think it's an awful idea. I have been HONORED to help with my close friend's weddings before and it caused no turmoil. I LOVED being a part of it. Yes, some people actually like to volunteer to save their friends money. Crazy thought.

I say do whatever you feel is right in your heart. Talk to the girls and make sure they know they are special to you. Explain why you couldn't have a bigger wedding party. When you're stuck in positions like that, you can NEVER please everyone. I'm learning that right now. Everyone has their own ideas on how weddings should go and what etiquette to abide by and when you go against them, they think you are crazy!

sgrace711

I have been HONORED to help with my close friend's weddings before and it caused no turmoil. I LOVED being a part of it. 

I completely agree! When I was asked to serve as hostess at my friends wedding I loved every minute of it. So much FUN!

I have to say I have been so grateful to have a group of family and friends that has been supportive and happy to step into different roles. In fact, I actually have declined help from my grandmother whose name is Sue because I wanted her to be able to relax, sit back in her special seat, and have a great time. Not really relevant I suppose but kind of a fun coincidence! 

You are absolutely right about that sentence, wow! That's what I get for not going over posts! I also admit I do not know much about the "Emily Post Institute" and just remember learning about the woman herself when I was much younger. I may have to look into that sometime.

 I do wish that you would refrain from continuing to call me or anyone else "uneducated" with such a negative connotation. Just because a person has not received a formal education does not invalidate their thoughts or opinions. In truth, I have not read any of Judith Martin's books (which i assume is the particular education you are refering to). I am working on my Masters in cultural anthropology at the University of Georgia and perhaps this has shaped my views on the issue. I have tried to demonstrate that I understand your point of view and explain mine but clearly that's not something you are interested in so there is no purpose in continuing this conversation. I am sure the original question has been thouroughly answered and the bride will make the right decision for her friends. I do hope you have a lovely February and that any of my typos, misspellings, misplaced punctuation, and distracted or disjointed sentences in this post are forgivable as it is, after all, very late. 

heathertims

If she's very charismatic i would ask her to MC the reception and if shes very organized i would ask her to stage manage the evening. Help you make sure things run smoothly. It's part of the responsibilities of a brides maid anyway. 

[Deleted User]

You could always have them be the "hostesses", they would greet everyone as they entered in, pass out programs, etc. However, honestly, I can't assure you that this role would make them happy.If it were me, I would rather either be a bridesmaid, or just  a regular guest at the wedding and enjoy myself. It's like saying "Hey, you're not important enough to me to be a bridesmaid, wear the glamerous dress, and stand up at the alter with me, but I can still use you as the help."   I know that's not what your intentions are, but that may very well be how they feel. That's why the hostesses at my wedding were my much younger teenage cousins. There was no way that they could be offended, because they knew they were a bit young to be my bridesmaids, but they also saw it as an honor, and were excited to be a part of their older cousin's big day. I should note that I'm probably making a mountain out of a molehill. Your friends might be thrilled that you asked them to be a a part of the wedding, regardless of what role. I just wanted to give you some feedback on how this could all turn out. I hope everything works out though! I wouldn't stress or worry about it too much. If they're good friends at all, they'll have a great attitude, and be willing to help you out with anything regarding your wedding. :-)

-KA

lindseykate121585

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_wedding-party_how-to-incorporate-friends-if-wedding-if-not-a-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:37Discussion:eca5f903-2c23-41c2-849e-bde88564d67dPost:fe3d6d25-99d3-4a55-b367-93b0b54135f7">How to incorporate friends in wedding if not a Bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]Hi, I have three girls I went to college with but I am only asking one of them to be my bridesmaid because I already have four other bridesmaids. I do not want too many. Also, my fiance only has 3 groomsmen. What is some way that I include these two other girls from college into the wedding where they still feel special? I love them both and do not want them to feel bad! any advise is greatly appreciated and thank you! 
Posted by missmarissa25[/QUOTE]

A reader is pretty typical, however you could still make her a VIP without the title as BM.  You could have her get ready with you and your BMs, have her fix your train for you before you walk down the aisle and include her in the bridal party transporation.  You could also have her hand out programs/bubbles/ be in charge of the guestbook.   I am having my male childhood friend walk my mom down the aisle because I don't have any brothers to do so and be a reader.  I am also including him in the limo when we leave the church and getting him a bountinerre.  You could get her a wrist corsage to make her feel special as well!! Good Luck!! and Congrats!