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Jewish Weddings

pre wedding events

hi everyone, OK, i need a little reality check here. at the moment FI is thinking about the following events for our wedding weekend (we are expecting about 1/2 of our 200+ guests to be from out of town): Friday night: Kabbalat Shabbat & shabbat dinner - for close family & out of towners Saturday morning: Aufruf & standup kiddush lunch Saturday night: "rehearsal dinner" + havdallah - for close family & out of towners sunday: wedding all day - followed by after party monday: brunch somewhere in there we have to find time for mikveh with just a few friends/family. it just seems like an awful lot of events, especially on the saturday. i'm thinking that after the aufruf people will want to have the day to themselves, rather than attending yet ANOTHER wedding event. and it's also about me too. personally, i need a lot of alone-time in order to relax, and large events are not my thing. i much prefer a small group than a large party. how are you all handling all these events? is this typical, or is FI being over the top with the pre-wedding expectations? what do you all think? v.

Re: pre wedding events

  • silversparkssilversparks member
    edited December 2011
    I strongly recommend taking the extra time to relax, especially if you already know you are likely to need it. 100 oots for Friday night dinner + the aufruf sounds like it should give you some quality extra time to be with your guests - but I would definitely cut out the Saturday night "rehearsal dinner", as well as the brunch. I would plan to do nothing the day after the wedding unless you're going to do sheva brachot at night. If you or FI is concerned that all these people are coming so far so you need to spend every single minute with them, in my experience the two of you being exhausted from all the extra festivities will not add to your celebration. Just my 2 cents - if you're telling yourself you need time and space and it's not your thing, then don't force it.
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  • edited December 2011
    Maybe it's just me, but, even if I'm from out of town, I just want to get checked into my hotel and take it easy. I hate to be overscheduled. If I were you, I'd have the aufruf, wedding, and brunch the next day (I like brunch - it's a way to see people in a more relaxed setting after the big day is over). We didn't see each other for the week before the wedding. Glenn's aufruf was Saturday, the week before the wedding and that's the last time we saw one another. We each had dinner the following Saturday night, before the wedding, with our respective families, very casual. Sunday was our wedding and Monday morning we had brunch.
  • lachlomlachlom member
    edited December 2011
    While I understand the whole wanting to relax thing, what you described is a pretty typical series of events for an Orthodox Jewish minus the monday brunch(unless it is a sheva brachos). I'm not saying you're Orthodox, but you are saying all of this sounds a bit much, I'm saying it's been done. :)The aufruf is the Shabbat before the wedding, and if your wedding is on a Sunday, that's just when the aufruf will fall. I would suggest, if you feel this is a bit much, to make the Shabbat dinner and 'rehearsal dinner' totally 100% optional. This way, those who don't feel comfortable participating won't have to, and those who really do just want to relax can.The mikvah won't actually take up so much of your time, especially if you make your 'rehearsal dinner' a light meal and again, optional. I have noticed after the large meat meals involved with Shabbat, I always appreciate a light dairy meal like pizza on motzi shabbat. Maybe offer for your guests to come for a light meal and havdallah, then part ways, giving you plenty of time for the mikvah.
  • RachiemooRachiemoo member
    Tenth Anniversary 500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    i'd say its pretty typical since all the shabbat activities are not really optional for observant people.one thing to ask yourself however is how many of your out of town guests are going to be in for the whole weekend vs. just come on sunday (after shabbat)?you may just want to have the friday night dinner and the "rehearsal dinner" for immediate family/close friends who mostly live near where these events are, rather than out of towners who might actually prefer to spend shabbat at their own home and then come into town just for the wedding and sunday brunch.we had a friday night dinner with close family/friends and an auf ruf at my husband's shul.  we did not have a "rehearsal dinner" on saturday night.  we had the wedding on sunday with a brunch monday morning for out of towners.  none of our out of towners came in for shabbat as i've found its just easier and less expensive for most people to just come in on Sunday.  however, if your family/community traditions are different, and people like to spend the whole weekend then i think your events would be fine.
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  • ShoshieShoshie member
    Knottie Warrior 100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    That's just about exactly what we did -- except I squeezed in spa time with my bridesmaids on Saturday after the auf ruf.  :)
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  • edited December 2011
    thanks for your thoughts everyone, i'm still unsure what to do about all the events (ie. should i put my foot down and say "absolutely not" to the saturday night events), but it's good to hear that what FI is talking about is not beyond the norm. i'm considering a compromise for the saturday night event (provided it actually takes place) where i take the "early shift" at the event and leave relatively early in the evening so that FI can come after i've left and stay late. we'd traditionally not be in the same room together prior to the wedding anyway. then i could see everyone earlier and have most of the evenings to relax with a smaller group of friends. dunno' still some time to think about it, but appreciate all of your input. v.
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