Are we being ridiculous?

skybrie

Long story short, we sent out the engagement announcements with our date via email in December.  At Christmas the whole family congratulated us and talked wedding stuff so everybody knew the date.   

In mid-February his cousin (who he is really close with) texts him and says “Dude.  Didn’t realize your wedding was 6-9-12.  Sorry.  In another wedding that day” No phone call, no discussion or explanation – just a text. I told the cousin in that we were not ok with this, and if he wanted to have a talk about it then to call us.  Nothing.   Needless to say it has caused issues and we aren’t talking to them.  We didn’t invite the family to my FH’s birthday party because they were causing so much drama over this, we aren’t going to Easter, ect.    So our engagement party will be in June.  We decided not to invite the cousin but hadn’t told anybody about it yet.  My FH’s parents called yesterday and told us that the Aunt threatened that her whole family wouldn’t come if we didn’t invite the cousin – so we are being forced to do it.  I am furious!!!  Not only because the family is getting involved when they shouldn’t, but also that we are being forced to invite somebody who we want nothing to do with.  If the cousin cared, he would have tried to contact us and apologize.  Am I in the wrong here? 

Enami

Yeah, I think you are a bit ridiculous. I'm sorry that your cousin can't be in your wedding, but he did say he was in another that day. I mean, how much more explaination do you need? His life doesn't need to revolve around your wedding. Seems to me that you're the one causing all the drama, not them. "O, well I can't have my way, so I'm just going to sulk and not invite you to anything". Seems a bit childish. Step up and be the bigger person here and let it go. Maybe you can rationally talk to him at your engagement party and find out what's up.

Also, you aren't being "forced" to invite him to anything. You have the choice to not invite him and not have certain family members show, or just do it and have them come. Seriously, it's one freakin day. He'll be family for life. Obviously that really doesn't mean much to you.

sweetcanadian1979

i am having major family issues and not sure if i am/want to even invite my extended family anymore (nope i won't regret it if i don't). My family is quite close but VERY judgemental and i feel if your judging me based on something you know nothing about (which is what they are doing) then you can't come. Your situation is a little different.

I wouldn't have necisarily sent a text but i think you are over-reacting by a crazy amount, it would be different if they never told you at all but at least he did. He doesn't owe you an explanation, if someone had asked him to be in their wp before he knew you guys were engaged then of course he has the right to say yes. Your aunt is being ridiculous too, you should be able to invite who you want, with that being said i think you should just suck it up. If you keep up the negative it will only get worse, and for what??????? a text message? Is there a lot more you are not saying?

sleblanc72

I know it sucks, but you are being a little ridiculous.  Not everyone can make your wedding no matter how much you try to please everyone.  He made a commitment to be in another wedding and that should be that, no reason for him to apologize, and there's no reason for it to continue extending to other family members because that just causes stress that no one wants or needs, especially you and your FI planning the wedding.  You can just simply say "I'm sorry your can't make it, we'll miss you!"  Like Enami said, he will be family forever and you are all bound to miss events.

skybrie

He knew we were engaged when this happened.  He knew the date too.  As far as we know he choose a friends wedding over ours.

midgetthemighty

Yes, you are being ridiculous. You shouldn't assume that he heard about your wedding and the friends wedding at the same exact time/day. Did you ask him to be a part of the WP the day your were engaged/chose your date? It is possible (and highly likely) that the friend asked him before you did. I'm sure he feels bad for missing out on your wedding but it happens. You should invited him and the family to the engagement party.

diamondx423

your wedding isn't the most important thing in FIs cousin's life, you're beyond over reacting.

sleblanc72

Midget is right...invite everyone to the party and if you guys haven't even talked about this you have no idea about when his friend asked him or anything about the friendship.  But please do not let this turn into a big family problem, it's really not worth it at all.

kelsey+brandon

I think you are being a lot bit ridiculous. The whole world doesn't stop for your wedding (I'm sorry, you're not William and Kate). And if you hadn't even asked him to be in the bridal party yet, then being in a wedding is much more important than just attending another one. It does suck that he can't come to your wedding, but don't blackball him just because he has a prior engagement. You should be proud of his character and his unwililngness to back out of a commitment. And as for an apology, what would he say, "I'm sorry I'm close enough to another person that they asked me to be in their wedding?" No. And to completely cut off his family and not go to Easter or invite him to your FI's birthday is going to the extreme with this thing. You haven't sent out official STDs or invitations yet, so it was actually really nice of him to go ahead and text you to let you know as soon as he knew. I wouldn't want to call y'all and get blasted out for no reason either.

skybrie

Maybe we are just different.   We will never respect the cousin now and really want them to have no part in our lives. 

DodgersBride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:19369d13-7c11-4326-9cc0-879bec9b3cb1Post:37fe65fe-35ff-4355-966c-48e6d03b2c4c">Are we being ridiculous?</a>:
[QUOTE]Long story short, we sent out the engagement announcements with our date via email in December.  At Christmas the whole family congratulated us and talked wedding stuff so everybody knew the date.     In mid-February his cousin (who he is really close with) texts him and says “Dude.   Didn’t realize your wedding was 6-9-12.   Sorry.   In another wedding that day” No phone call, no discussion or explanation – just a text.   I <strong>told the cousin in that we were not ok with this, and if he wanted to have a talk about it then to call us.</strong>  Nothing.     Needless to say it has caused issues and we aren’t talking to them.   We didn’t invite the family to my FH’s birthday party because they were causing so much drama over this, we aren’t going to Easter, ect.       So our engagement party will be in June.   We decided not to invite the cousin but hadn’t told anybody about it yet.   My FH’s parents called yesterday and told us that the Aunt threatened that her whole family wouldn’t come if we didn’t invite the cousin – so we are being forced to do it.   I am furious!!!   Not only because the family is getting involved when they shouldn’t, but also that we are being forced to invite somebody who we want nothing to do with.   If <strong>the cousin cared, he would have tried to contact us and apologize</strong>.   Am I in the wrong here?  
Posted by skybrie[/QUOTE]


Short and simply, yes you are being ridiculous.

Not everyone you invite or plan to invite to your wedding is going to make. Plain and simple some people have other important things to do. It was very rude of you to tell him you were not ok with him not attending, especially since it is FI's family.

They have every right to be upset over what has happen. I really don't understand why you are so upset over him not attending the wedding but then you won't invite him to the engagement party? I figure if you are that upset over him missing it you would want to include in other aspects of the wedding not exclude him.

I really hope you don't expect those who can't attend your wedding to personally call you and explain why. I understand why this family doesn't want to attend if their son is not invited. I think you should just let your FI handle it from now on. It's his family. Beside from your post it seems like you are the one that is upset and your FI is not.

DodgersBride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:19369d13-7c11-4326-9cc0-879bec9b3cb1Post:d560f5b8-c616-46b4-a324-55057d9f881f">Re: Are we being ridiculous?</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe we are just different.   We will never respect the cousin now and really want them to have no part in our lives. 
Posted by skybrie[/QUOTE]

Ok seriously you are totally over reacting. You are causing more drama than what is needed. I wouldn't want to start my married life with FI while fighting with his family. Like it or not they will be your family.  Seriously get over it.

skybrie

When my FH got involved he dis-invited the entire family from his birthday party with 48 hours notice - all 22 of them.  I am not expecting every person to explain why they cant come - but for family I expect more.  Maybe I am wrong, but family is family.  They are held at a higher regard. 

DodgersBride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:19369d13-7c11-4326-9cc0-879bec9b3cb1Post:cf1b8e80-92b8-4280-b208-889bc9851016">Re: Are we being ridiculous?</a>:
[QUOTE]When my FH got involved he dis-invited the entire family from his birthday party with 48 hours notice - all 22 of them.  I am not expecting every person to explain why they cant come - but for family I expect more.  Maybe I am wrong, but family is family.  They are held at a higher regard. 
Posted by skybrie[/QUOTE]

So if family is so important to you why dis-invite them to other gatherings you are having just because one cousin can't attend your wedding? Really why stress over him not attend, your wedding over a year away.

diamondx423

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:19369d13-7c11-4326-9cc0-879bec9b3cb1Post:c6e0dd18-2d79-4f17-a646-2fd0090f78fc">Re: Are we being ridiculous?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Are we being ridiculous? : So if family is so important to you why dis-invite them to other gatherings you are having just because one cousin can't attend your wedding? Really why stress over him not attend, your wedding over a year away.
Posted by DodgersBride[/QUOTE]

ditto dodgers, you're being beyond hypocritical. you're cutting off your nose to spite your face. i do come from a family that people suddenly stop talking to others for no reason, and let me tell you first hand how much it sucks. stop being a child, put on your big girl panties, and deal with the fact that FIs cousin can't come to an event and gave you over a years notice.

kelsey+brandon

It really annoys me when people post and know they're being ridiculous about something, but seek approval from strangers. Then when they don't get it, it's just because their situation is "different."

sweetcanadian1979

if family is so important to you than why are you guys reacting as such? honestly you come across very childish in this instance (i'm not saying you are, saying you come across that way) you might as well elope because NO ONE will want to come or be around you guys if you keep this up. Sorry but YOUR wedding is not a priority to everyone, when he was asked to be in another person's wedding he may have not even thought twice about it and did NOT realise that it conflicted with yours. I have done that myself (not in this situation but similar) i made a doc apt for the same time as my office manager and could not go because she had made hers first, our schedules were up on the board for apts so i seen it there but it did NOT register in my brain when the place called me, because it was an important apt i FORGOT to check the board.

Like i said you will end up with no one on either side, i would not marry my fi if he was being like this, you are going to make him give up his ENTIRE family over a text message and 1 cousin not being able to come. Obviously YOU have no idea what family is about, not the cousin. Why should family have to explain every little thing they do just because they are family? That doesn't cut it, if you ever talk to this cousin again i can bet they will not want to ever tell you anything, so the relationship is ruined for life by YOUR reaction. As someone else stated, people can't live their lives around your wedding, not ALL family is going to come, yes they have lots of notice but still..........Sorry i tell it as i see it, not trying to be harsh.

skybrie

I was trying to explain where we are coming from in the situation....

sweetcanadian1979

pst for clarification, family means everything to us to and we hold our family in a higher regard as well, the thing that gets me is he didn't say oh i have another wedding that day he said I AM IN another wedding that day, aka part of the bridal party which i am sorry if i never asked someone to be in my bp and someone else did i would definately EXPECT them to be at the wedding where they were in the BP, that is A MORE IMPORTANT role than just as a guest.

sprtychick10

I am going to have to agree with what everyone else has said, you are being ridiculous and making a mountain out of a mole hill. People are people (regardless if they are family or not) and are going to make decisions we don't always agree with. 

With that being sad, move on. There are much more important things to be focusing on. I don't know why you would want to isolate yourselves from the family and not go to the Easter dinner. 

sweetcanadian1979

I think you need to read the posts sky not just skim them, to understand what we are saying, but hey it's up to you, if you don't want to have anything to do with any of his family and want no one at your wedding that is totally your choice.

Shanee18

people who say you are being "a bit" ridiculous are being NICE.  From what I have read, you are acting like an immature and self-absorbed brat.  I TRULY HATE to be so rude to a fellow June '12 bride because I hope that we all become close over the next year, but try to take a step back from this situation and see how you are acting...think of how you sound to the people on this board, and think of what you are putting your FH's family through...

And sorry because I am not trying to be hurtful, but it seems like you really need a reality check.

skybrie

understand.  My FH was in his wedding and he was supposed to be in ours, as his brothers will be.  We hadn’t asked our BP yet when this happened. 

Things would have been different if he came to us and said "X asked me to be in his wedding and it is the same date as yours.  I didn’t realize when you told me 3 months ago and already committed"

But that isnt what happened.  Maybe I am more upset by the fact that the respect we had for them was not reciprocated

sprtychick10

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:19369d13-7c11-4326-9cc0-879bec9b3cb1Post:a3643034-ddf9-4d70-bc9e-f26d242a1550">Re: Are we being ridiculous?</a>:
[QUOTE]people who say you are being "a bit" ridiculous are being NICE.  From what I have read, you are acting like an immature and self-absorbed brat.<strong>  I TRULY HATE to be so rude to a fellow June '12 bride because I hope that we all become close over the next year</strong>, but try to take a step back from this situation and see how you are acting...think of how you sound to the people on this board, and think of what you are putting your FH's family through... And sorry because I am not trying to be hurtful, but it seems like you really need a reality check.
Posted by Shanee18[/QUOTE]

<div>I was thinking the same thing. This is the first argument/disagreement that I am aware of. We are a wonderful group of girls who want to help each and every June 12 Bride.</div>

DodgersBride

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:19369d13-7c11-4326-9cc0-879bec9b3cb1Post:242eeab5-f155-44d6-9e00-0a73a26f89b3">Re: Are we being ridiculous?</a>:
[QUOTE]understand.  My FH was in his wedding and he was supposed to be in ours, as his brothers will be.  We hadn’t asked our BP yet when this happened.  Things would have been different if he came to us and said "X asked me to be in his wedding and it is the same date as yours.  I didn’t realize when you told me 3 months ago and already committed" But that isnt what happened.  Maybe I am more upset by the fact that the <strong>respect we had for them was not reciprocated
</strong>Posted by skybrie[/QUOTE]

I honestly think you are being disrespectful not only him but his entire family. I really don't think he disrespect you. I don't understand why you think he needs to bend over backwards to apologize to  you because he can't make it. I think you need to realize that your wedding is only so important to just YOU and your FI. You need to get over it and make things right with FI's family.

sleblanc72

He did essentially tell you that and where you didn't ask him yet he has every right to be in the wedding that he was already asked to be in.  You seriously need to take a step back and think about how much family really means to you because if it means as much to you as you say it does then you really need to stop over-reacting with the situation.  You need to remember that your wedding is one day but family is forever.

sweetcanadian1979

sky have you ever thought you are expecting to much? Maybe he did not realise you were going to ask him, maybe he thought in the back of his mind maybe but since you didn't right away figured you weren't. You DO NOT KNOW that he never had respect for you guys, but seriously, you hadn't asked him, i am sorry but you are NOT his parents or wife, therefore he doesn't have to "ask" your  permission to accept his friends invitation, do you even know who this friend is? Maybe it is someone very important to him as well. First come first serve!!!

skybrie

Sorry. didnt mean to cause a fight

michellep1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:19369d13-7c11-4326-9cc0-879bec9b3cb1Post:242eeab5-f155-44d6-9e00-0a73a26f89b3">Re: Are we being ridiculous?</a>:
[QUOTE]understand.  My FH was in his wedding and he was supposed to be in ours, as his brothers will be.  We hadn’t asked our BP yet when this happened.  <strong>Things would have been different if he came to us and said "X asked me to be in his wedding and it is the same date as yours.  I didn’t realize when you told me 3 months ago and already committed" But that isnt what happened.</strong>  Maybe I am more upset by the fact that the respect we had for them was not reciprocated
Posted by skybrie[/QUOTE]

How is that not what happened?  It seems like he said exactly that, only in different words.  Men are much less detail-oriented than women, many times FI will say something and I feel like I have to interrogate him to get any information; when he just assumed that I would get those details from what he said.  I'm betting this is what happened here.  Your FI's cousin probably just assumed that you would realize he was asked by this friend before he knew about your wedding.  If they are very close like you mentioned, then the cousin probably believed that you wouldn't jump to a conclusion that he did this maliciously.

sweetcanadian1979

I can tell from your "tone" that you are hurt but maybe instead of writing off this cousin YOU guys should be the bigger people (since you cut him out not the other way around) and go talk to him, what is a big deal to you just isn't the same for everyone. You have probably hurt him by this even more so than you are hurting yourself, have you ever thought of that (he may not show it but behind closed doors.......)  Life is as such or we would all be the same which would be very boring.

Maybe this will put things in perspective, my uncle's wife left him and took EVERY SINGLE thing in the house, even s & p shakers, had nothing to do with him, cleaned out his bank account, would not answer calls and ignored him as you are doing to your cousin. A couple months later he commited suicide, once again he tried calling her that night. She will NEVER forgive herself and almost had to be hospitalized, sorry this is harsh but......... he probably won't commit suicide but if he got in an accident tomorrow and died........ how would you feel about your behaviour towards him that u can't take back?

midgetthemighty

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:19369d13-7c11-4326-9cc0-879bec9b3cb1Post:4538ab23-c988-4454-a6d5-65b70152ec94">Re: Are we being ridiculous?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Are we being ridiculous? : <strong>How is that not what happened?  It seems like he said exactly that, only in different words.</strong>  Men are much less detail-oriented than women, many times FI will say something and I feel like I have to interrogate him to get any information; when he just assumed that I would get those details from what he said.  I'm betting this is what happened here.  Your FI's cousin probably just assumed that you would realize he was asked by this friend before he knew about your wedding.  If they are very close like you mentioned, then the cousin probably believed that you wouldn't jump to a conclusion that he did this maliciously.
Posted by michellep1[/QUOTE]

That is exactly what I was thinking when I read sky's comment. I think you (sky) need to take a breather, calm down, and come back and read our comments once you have cooled off. Think if someone reacted this way to you saying you had previously comitted to being in a wedding for your BFF and couldn't make theirs. How would you feel?

I really hope you are able to reconcile things with FI's cousin and his family. It's not too late. :)