Are we being ridiculous?

CvilleClaire

Here is how it looks to me:

A) Cousin realizes conflict, writes to you to apologize depsite the fact that the event is over a year away.

You decide cousin is being disrespectful and demand that he call you.

C) Your FI revokes his entire family's invitations to his birthday party.


Seems to me that your cousin was actually quite courteous to apologize for the conflict so far in advance, before you even asked him to be in the party.


It seems as though you and your finace have hurt more feelings and created more "drama" than the cousin because of your reactions. 



I

Danidawn20

Wow, This is the first argument I have seen on here. 

I agree with the PP's you are being a bit immature. With that said, I can understand why you are being upset, but since family is family, maybe it's time to reconcile and move past it.

slbinpink

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:19369d13-7c11-4326-9cc0-879bec9b3cb1Post:d560f5b8-c616-46b4-a324-55057d9f881f">Re: Are we being ridiculous?</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe we are just different.   We will never respect the cousin now and really want them to have no part in our lives. 
Posted by skybrie[/QUOTE]

This is really sad.... So much for family

Enami

This thread makes me LOL big time. You are acting like the most spoiled, immature, entitled brat. "We've lost all respect for (cousin)" "We want nothing to do with this cousin", do you even listen to yourself? With how you're acting, I would be thanking my lucky stars I WASN'T in your wedding if this is the type of BS I would have to put up with for the next year and some months. He told you he couldn't make it; and until you officially ask your WP, no one is "supossed" to be in your wedding no matter what prior agreement you may have had. Suck it up, he could have been a real d*ck and just not shown up the day of. I'm so glad I'm not your family, too much drama, and it seems to come from you. GL on your wedding.

skybrie

I got it guys.  You think I am wrong.  Thanks for all your nice comments.  The post wasnt about why we are fighting with the cousin.  It was about some members of the family getting involved making threats to get us to do what they want.

WEEZIE918

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:19369d13-7c11-4326-9cc0-879bec9b3cb1Post:cf1b8e80-92b8-4280-b208-889bc9851016">Re: Are we being ridiculous?</a>:
[QUOTE]When my FH got involved he dis-invited the entire family from his birthday party with 48 hours notice - all 22 of them.  I am not expecting every person to explain why they cant come - but for family I expect more.  Maybe I am wrong, but <strong>family is family.  They are held at a higher regard. 
</strong>Posted by skybrie[/QUOTE]

From my exeperience family gets more leeway than others BECAUSE they are family...you can't choose your family and you can't make them go away because they are family.  I know I accept some of my family member's not so pleasant behavior because they are my siblings/cousin etc, whereas if a friend had those qualites, I probably wouldn't stay friends with them.  Plus...he's a guy...when you guys were talking about your wedding, he probably didn't even think about the other wedding he may have already commited to...it is quite a ways away still.  Then when he realized he let you know.  What else was he supposed to do?
 
It sounds like you would have accepted it a little more if he had come talk to you instead of sending a text.  Are you feeling the text was too impersonal?  If he has called your FI to tell him would it have made him not being able to be in the wedding OK?  If that's the case you still need to get over it.  Texting is how millions of people communicate.  People don't have to call eachother on the phone anymore cause you can have an entire conversation via text.  And I must admit, sometimes I like it better! 

Rethany

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:19369d13-7c11-4326-9cc0-879bec9b3cb1Post:170989b8-82a9-4ae8-b996-b43216887c06">Re: Are we being ridiculous?</a>:
[QUOTE]I got it guys.  You think I am wrong.  Thanks for all your nice comments.  <strong>The post wasnt about why we are fighting with the cousin.</strong>  It was about some members of the family getting involved making threats to get us to do what they want.
Posted by skybrie[/QUOTE]

Really?  I think it has everything to do with why you were fighting.

Your family wouldn't be in this mess or have to make threats to you if you hadn't reacted the way you did in the first place.  So yeah it does.

Purple&7

I hope you get things resolved. I don't think you cut family out over this though. Like midge said it's not too late.

lilmiss_34

Not sure if you're still reading this thread, but I'll throw in my two cents anyways.

I think that if it's really important that FI cousin be at your wedding, you should consider changing the date. There is still a lot of time to pull this off easily. I do agree with the other posters that you are over reacting, but this is a solution to the problem. 

Explain to the cousin that you both love him and could not imagine getting married without him there to share in the happy occasion. Pick a few new dates and ask the cousin if he is free. Take these new dates to any vendors you have booked and make it happen.

HOWEVER, it is important to keep in mind that even if this date works for everyone now, something may come up that makes it impossible for them to come. This happens, and it sucks, but the point of the wedding is to get married.

sweetcanadian1979

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:19369d13-7c11-4326-9cc0-879bec9b3cb1Post:170989b8-82a9-4ae8-b996-b43216887c06">Re: Are we being ridiculous?</a>:
[QUOTE]I got it guys.  You think I am wrong.  Thanks for all your nice comments.  The post wasnt about why we are fighting with the cousin.  It was about some members of the family getting involved making threats to get us to do what they want.
Posted by skybrie[/QUOTE]

Honestly i don't think you understand. I am gathering (just by reading) that your aunt will stand up for her son, especially if he has done nothing wrong (which he hasn't) which is that if he is not included (because he did nothing wrong) than they aren't either. I would be the same way if someone was treating my child like crap. Sorry but her son is more important than her nephew or cousin or whatever your fi is to her.

Why would she want to go to something that blatently excludes her son? That would be EXTREMELY disrespectful to her son, since you are so big on respect i am sure you understand. How could she support someone that is so rude to his cousin over something so silly?

seltonandashlee

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:19369d13-7c11-4326-9cc0-879bec9b3cb1Post:d560f5b8-c616-46b4-a324-55057d9f881f">Re: Are we being ridiculous?</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe we are just different.   We will never respect the cousin now and really want them to have no part in our lives. 
Posted by skybrie[/QUOTE]
<p> </p><p>"we" or "you?" </p><p> </p><p>Cause if he was close to his cousin before, then it's probably you who's making a big deal out of nothing. He can't come to your wedding, but he let you know WAY in advance (it's over a YEAR out,) and he apologized. Sorry it didn't work out how you wanted, but it's fair for you to ruin his family relationships. </p>

SSaltzman87

To me, this sounds like a situation that got ridiculously out of hand. 

I too agree with PPs that your reaction to your cousin not being able to participate in the WP was over the top and uncalled for. Being a WP member is not supeona (sp?). The cousin gave you PLENTY of notice, even if he did know about your date a long time ago, things do happen. 

Your aunt has every right to be upset you because of how you're handling this, going as far as to say invite your cousin or her family won't come- that's probably the only thing she could be in the wrong about.

To cut your family out because of this would be really shameful of you to do.

skybrie

My FI is the one who is holding his ground on this.  I had them on the invite list for the engagement party and he made me remove them. 

We don’t want the family to get involved or to cut them out. This is our issue with them.  We saw the wife last week at a bridal shower and didn’t act indifferent to her, and we won’t act weird at a Christening we will attend in a few weeks.  His parents and 3 of his 5 siblings are upset as we are and wouldn’t have pushed us if the aunt didn’t give an ultimatum.  They made their choice and won’t be attending; there is nothing that will change that.  And yes, we did consider moving our date (this happened before we book anything) but the cousin didn’t care enough to even call us so we felt we shouldn’t have to care enough to move it.  This is obviously a personal issue that most of you don’t agree with; but we both feel that we will never be able to have a solid relationship with this cousin after this.   I understand that you guys think we are overreacting, and that is fine.  I came here because I thought it was an open supportive place to share things, no matter how different my opinions were from others.  Some people feel sex before marriage is a sin.  I don’t feel that way but I would hope to not get bombarded because that is how I feel. 

sprtychick10

Sky, we were just trying to help. You asked for our opinions and we told you. Didn't you want us to be honest with you or did you want is to lie to your face?

skybrie

Of course be honest about the problem, which was not about why we aren’t talking to them.  Our reasons go beyond what I can explain on a board and the family has accepted that.  Words like spoiled, immature, entitled brat are what I was referencing.

TeamMoriarty

i agree that some of people's responses were a little harsh.  there is no need for us to call each other names.  we'll always talking about how awesome and supportive this board is.  that being said, you did ask for opinions and we are women and therefore, opinionated   i understand being hurt by a text response, but i also understand that men communicate differently than us.  also, maybe he knew it would upset y'all and was nervous to call.  or maybe he's just a texter rather than a caller.  IDK him.  but i do agree with midget that this is something that can still be resolved.  also, give yourselves time to cool off before making any big decisions.   i hope it works out.  and i hope that we'll stop calling each other names- not that we shouldn't be honest.  but i think there is a way to be honest and supportive at the same time.  it can be hard to interpret a tone on the computer screen.

SSaltzman87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_being-ridiculous?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:19369d13-7c11-4326-9cc0-879bec9b3cb1Post:be9d129a-84bb-4846-97dd-6f906aa766b4">Re: Are we being ridiculous?</a>:
[QUOTE] <strong>I came here because I thought it was an open supportive place to share things, no matter how different my opinions were from others. </strong>  Some people feel sex before marriage is a sin.   I don’t feel that way but I would hope to not get bombarded because that is how I feel.  
Posted by skybrie[/QUOTE]
Open and supportive does NOT equal validating ALL ideas no matter how good or bad they are. By posting on a public forum, you're going to get a variety of responses no matter what the situation is and/or how you express it. From reading the previous responses, I didn't see one that blatantly called you any sort of name , just saying that your ACTIONS were that of a spoiled, immature brat- NOT that you yourself were one.

 What you are suggesting by cutting out that part of the family on the guest list really is a bad idea in the long run-even if your FI is standing ground on it. I think you guys are thinking more on short term than long term about these relationships. A lot can happen in the year before you'd even send out the invites.

courtneyclare103

You're probably not reading anymore, but I don't see how you could get mad over this. You say you hadn't asked him to be in your bridal party yet--was he supposed to automatically know he was going to be asked to be in yours. Just because your FI was in his wedding does not automatically mean he should have known he was going to be in yours. At the point he was asked to be in the other wedding he was merely a guest at yours, so I don't see why he was wrong in accepting that invitation. You need to step back and calm down a bit.

MMRoberts11

Due to the extent of things going on enough I'm closing this thread.  Nothing against anyone, I just don't want serious drama to start or be carried on beyond this thread.