HELP - how do I support my bridesmaid?

DrPB2b13

I am at a total loss of how to support one of my bridesmaids.  Let me just start by saying I haven't gotten any of this information from her - I've gotten it from my other bridesmaids, because she is not responding to my communications.

Bridesmaid B is someone who, in college, kept herself crazy busy because I'm pretty sure it's the only way she can function.  If she has no choice but to move from task to task to task, it has to get done; otherwise she kind of just procrastinates and watches TV.  She was a double major, president of the theater club, actress and stage techie, and a resident/community assistant.  We worked together as RA/CAs and I count her as a really good friend of mine - we helped each other through some really tough times.

After she graduated with two degrees, she REALLY wanted to go into theater, but her parents really discouraged it because it doesn't really put food on the table.  To appease them she applied to teaching jobs instead, and is now an elementary school teacher in a small town a few hours away from her family - and everyone else she knows.  She's an amazing teacher, but really didn't want this job.  As a result, I think, she is incredibly overwhelmed with all of the little details of the job she had never thought of, since she didn't think she'd be going into this career.

To add to this, she's incredibly lonely because she's so far from home - and in the past year, both her older sister AND her younger brother have gotten engaged to their long-term SO's (her brother to one of her BFFs).  I think she's feeling left out, especially as her mom gets REALLY excited for wedding planning with her daughter and FDIL.

She is currently the only BM who hasn't chosen her dress because she won't return my texts/emails/voicemails.  I am stressed out over this, but more stressed out over the fact that I don't know how to support her in her struggles right now.  How do I let her know I'm here for her, but also that I really need her to do this for me?

I am tempted to let her know she can drop out if she wants to, since I know she's been having trouble dealing with both her sister & brother's weddings, but I don't want to phrase it at all as though I want her to, or that she should.  I want her to do what she needs to do for herself.

HELP!

Ash61612

Is there anyway you could go visit her one weekend and chat and catch up? Maybe she needs some face to face time? or you could always Skype and talk?

Megbo2012

What have your emails been like?  Just simple checking in emails to see how she is, or wedding related? 

How far away are you from her? Could you take some time a visit her to see how she is? 

If it's about the money, could you help her pay for the dress?

I'm sorry she's going through this, all of your reasons make sense in why she's acting this way.

midgetthemighty

Send her a care package of some of her favorite things from home, like local foods, candies or just some of her favorite generic things. Even if she can get them herself, she probably won't because of being busy or whatever else. Put a sweet note in there about how you were thinking of her, missing her and that you're there if she needs anything.

I wouldn't say anything about her possibly dropping out. I don't think there's any way to word it to where it doesn't sound like that's what you want. If she doesn't get a dress in time, then she's taken herself out.

Zimsgirl

I agree with meeting up with her. Maybe if she's lonely you could send her a little care package of her favorite things with a note saying thinking of you give me a call so we can catch up

BluIvory82

I love midge's suggestion. Since she is far away from home, she would love the care package. I think that would be very sweet and thoughtful of you. Unfortunately, with the dress situation, if she does not order it within the time frame, then it sounds like she is kicking herself out. 

If the only that is preventing her from being a bridesmaid is the dress, would you be able to pay for it or help her out with the cost. I say this because I just went through this recently with one of my BM's and it worked out and we are both happy. I hope everything works out for you.

SheilaDancer43

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_support-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:c383c0c9-6129-42cd-bb6f-e0539062f309Post:0e60808a-6467-4128-b876-e117fd83b8fc">Re: HELP - how do I support my bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]Send her a care package of some of her favorite things from home, like local foods, candies or just some of her favorite generic things. Even if she can get them herself, she probably won't because of being busy or whatever else. Put a sweet note in there about how you were thinking of her, missing her and that you're there if she needs anything. I wouldn't say anything about her possibly dropping out. I don't think there's any way to word it to where it doesn't sound like that's what you want. If she doesn't get a dress in time, then she's taken herself out.
Posted by midgetthemighty[/QUOTE]

Love this idea!! And I agree with every she said!

DrPB2b13

Midge, I LOVE that idea!  I'll have to brainstorm what I'd put in one.

My emails to her have been wedding related, but texts have been about her - hi, how are you, how's work, etc.

She lives about 4.5 hours away; not a drive I can make for a day trip, and without getting into contact with her I don't think it would be a good idea to just show up on her doorstep.  I DID offer to drive up to her for dress shopping, but after telling me she would get back to me with dates/times she's available, she didn't.  That was the last time I heard from her.

Money isn't a huge object, FI and I had already let all of the girls know that we could help them with their dresses if necessary, and haven't come anywhere near the top of that "helping" budget yet.  This has been iterated a few times.

Timing on the dress isn't a huge issue.  They're all getting different styles and shades of purple, as long as they're satin and floor length, so she can buy one off the rack if need be.  We could also help out with rush fees if that's necessary; all of the BM dresses so far have been ordered so it's not like she's holding up anyone else.

Thank you for the suggestions ladies, this is really helpful. 

midgetthemighty

Since you've already reiterated the help option several times, I wouldn't mention it again. She knows, if you mention it again she might become offended. I'm almost to this line with one of my BMs but I'm pretty sure I'm just going to ask her what size she needs and order it for her anyway. Her money needs to go towards her baby.
I hope she enjoys her care package!

Ash61612

I love the idea of the care package!

kelsey+brandon

I like all of Jess' ideas. So wise.

midgetthemighty

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_support-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:c383c0c9-6129-42cd-bb6f-e0539062f309Post:506f3384-8f00-4375-8101-92249b4eac77">Re: HELP - how do I support my bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]I like all of Jess' ideas. So wise.
Posted by kelsey+brandon[/QUOTE]

Aw thank you. :) You've got some great ideas too!

sleblanc72

I really like the idea of the care package Jess suggested.  I would also just try to get in touch with her completely non-wedding related for a while and try to get together with her and then go about wedding stuff after you've been able to talk to her just as a friend and see what's going on, as it sounds like there may be some under-lying things going on.

julbgordo

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_support-bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:c383c0c9-6129-42cd-bb6f-e0539062f309Post:cd0ddb2d-4fa2-4e19-ac62-b593db33634c">Re: HELP - how do I support my bridesmaid?</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Is there anyway you could go visit her one weekend and chat and catch up?</strong> Maybe she needs some face to face time? or you could always Skype and talk?
Posted by Ash61612[/QUOTE]

<div>This was going to be my suggestion verbatim.</div>

Hilraythebride

I would recommend meeting with her face to face and building her up finding out what has been bugging her.  Have you only been sending her wedding related messages, or have you been showing care in all aspects of her life?  Especially if her family is going off and getting married she may feel like oh great now my friends too and is just tired of going through the motions.  Maybe you should offer to go with her o get her BM dress and other related things so she won't feel so left out!

Hilraythebride

BTW drpnut, I absolutely LOOOVE your wedding venue and the dress it is going to be beautiful!!!!!

MMRoberts11

I agree with others and really like Jess's idea.  Beyond that, I would try to talk to her (again) about NWR stuff.

Also, she sounds almost just like one of my BMs.  My BM is the type though when things get crazy for her she just shuts down on everything else so she can get through it.  Does your BM tend to do that?