June 2012 Weddings
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Asking permission/blessing to get married

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Re: Asking permission/blessing to get married

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    edited March 2012
    When FI and I went ring shopping, we were so unsure about what kind of quality we were getting that we called my parents to come look.  They knew we were going to be looking soon because I hinted at it all the time.  So they knew we had the ring and had helped pick it out.  Then FI had to pick a way to ask me to marry him.  I told him I didn't want any big gestures or anything but he had other plans.  He wanted to surprise me with a holiday and then ask me when we were away, but if he charged a holiday to our Credit card, I would have known.  So he had to ask my parents if he could charge it to their credit card....anyways when he went to speak with them about it, they reminded him how much of a control freak I am and would probably not like it if I didn't know in advance about the holiday.

    Long story short, they knew about an impending proposal, but it was kinda along the same lines as Dr PB......if he had straight out asked them, they probably would have said something along the lines of "she's a grown woman who makes her own decisions...what are you asking us for?!"  They were involved along the way though so I think they liked that they were included.  They love him anyways....we even lived with them for almost a year before we bought our place so they were pretty much just waiting for it to happen.

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    Just to clarify.... just because FI asked for my dads blessing, it didnt mean my dad was "giving me away".... I still had to say yes. Of course it was my decision, 100%... but I think it is a respect thing and I am so happy FI talked with my dad. My dad didnt laugh at FI for talking with him, he thought it was  great gesture and he respected FI a lot for it. It has only strengthened their bond.
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    I'm sure FI would have asked my parents permission if they were still alive.  He told me he thought about asking for my older brothers' permission, but they can't keep a secret to save their lives!
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    If I had a good relationship with my dad, FI would have asked. But my father is not a nice person and we don't really get along. First off, it would have been hard for FI to get in touch with him, and second, my dad would have said no, simply because he thinks I'm too young (I'm 24). My dad has come around to the thought now, but he was less than thrilled when we announced our engagement, and honestly I didn't care. We're not a very traditional family.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_asking-permissionblessing-to-get-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:e313d3b0-5c06-4c77-81d5-a41a74b67926Post:57befc9e-4724-465a-ab5c-a9600307bf23">Re: Asking permission/blessing to get married</a>:
    [QUOTE]Just to clarify.... just because FI asked for my dads blessing, it didnt mean my dad was "giving me away".... I still had to say yes. Of course it was my decision, 100%... but I think it is a respect thing and I am so happy FI talked with my dad. My dad didnt laugh at FI for talking with him, he thought it was  great gesture and he respected FI a lot for it. It has only strengthened their bond.
    Posted by chelseakopperud[/QUOTE]

    Agree...it IS a respect thing, IMHO.  I am glad FI did it.  It meant more to us that they did.  FI is divorced, and the first time we dated my parents did NOT approve because of this.  I come from a VERY conservative Baptist background, so this was a bit of a hurdle for my parents.  But when they knew why (his ex cheated on him for all 3 years they were married and WOULD NOT reconcile) they understand now.

    When we went to visit my parents in WI in February, my dad announced to the church (he's the pastor) that "Josh is a good guy.  I can tell he loves the Lord, and he loves my daughter".  It made my heart go pitter patter....Josh was a little mortified.  LOL
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    My parents knew it was happening. I don't think Fi actually ASKED for permission, but they definitely talked about it.
    Fi and I are close to both of our families, so he was able to talk freely about it with everyone, which was nice :) They approved, I approved, now we are getting married!
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    Nope, FI did not ask. He did not tell a single soul he was proposing. He knew it would get out and ruin the surprise of it all (no one can keep a damn secret in my family)

    Honestly, It was not a big deal to me. FI had met my father and told both of us that he loved , and that he is beyond his expectations of the guy he pictured for his daughter"

    Who needs permission after that? It was like my father was implying it was already okay :) Plus, FI knows nothing about wedding traditions so this really didn't cross his mind.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_asking-permissionblessing-to-get-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:e313d3b0-5c06-4c77-81d5-a41a74b67926Post:44bebf01-c94d-4233-b8e0-5672d7dcc2d1">Re: Asking permission/blessing to get married</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Asking permission/blessing to get married : Agree...it IS a respect thing, IMHO.  I am glad FI did it.  It meant more to us that they did.  FI is divorced, and the first time we dated my parents did NOT approve because of this.  I come from a VERY conservative Baptist background, so this was a bit of a hurdle for my parents.  But when they knew why (his ex cheated on him for all 3 years they were married and WOULD NOT reconcile) they understand now. When we went to visit my parents in WI in February, my dad announced to the church (he's the pastor) that "Josh is a good guy.  I can tell he loves the Lord, and he loves my daughter".  It made my heart go pitter patter....Josh was a little mortified.  LOL
    Posted by Nindakay[/QUOTE]
    See it's a respect thing for you because of your background but I have issues with telling everyone who didn't get parents approval that it is essentially disrespectful.  Not everyone has that kind of a relationship with their parents and I think this is most definitely one of those to each their own thing and what works for themselves is awesome.<div>
    <div>Honestly I think a lot of it is how your relationship with your parents is.  If my parents weren't in the picture or we had an awful relationship I wouldn't want their approval to get married period.  I was glad Fi let them know but to me it wouldn't have mattered if he didn't as we've been together so long and I knew my parents liked him.   </div></div>
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    edited March 2012
    I don't believe in antiquated so called traditions that regard ownership. I have enough respect for myself that I know that getting married is a two person decision, B&G no parents need to be involved. 
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_asking-permissionblessing-to-get-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:e313d3b0-5c06-4c77-81d5-a41a74b67926Post:57befc9e-4724-465a-ab5c-a9600307bf23">Re: Asking permission/blessing to get married</a>:
    [QUOTE]Just to clarify.... just because FI asked for my dads blessing, it didnt mean my dad was "giving me away".... I still had to say yes. Of course it was my decision, 100%... but I think it is a respect thing and I am so happy FI talked with my dad. My dad didnt laugh at FI for talking with him, he thought it was  great gesture and he respected FI a lot for it. It has only strengthened their bond.
    Posted by chelseakopperud[/QUOTE]

    This may be the case in your family, and I fully respect this.  However, the way my parents were raised, they would have considered it a sign that we couldn't make our own decisions and were thus definitely not actually ready to be married.  It's a matter of the values we were raised with.  If FI had <strong>wanted </strong>to ask for their blessing or permission I would have respected that, but I knew that my parents would have found it ridiculous and inappropriate and I told him so. 

    Someday, if we have daughters, I think it would be a very sweet gesture if their future husbands were to ask for our permission and/or blessing, but I personally would not require it necessary, nor disrespectful if they didn't.  I would find it disrespectful if my daughter WANTED him to ask and he didn't, but if she doesn't want him to, it's NBD.
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    edited March 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_asking-permissionblessing-to-get-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:e313d3b0-5c06-4c77-81d5-a41a74b67926Post:701f947d-f9de-4250-adba-e449a561485e">Re: Asking permission/blessing to get married</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Asking permission/blessing to get married : This may be the case in your family, and I fully respect this.  However, the way my parents were raised, they would have considered it a sign that we couldn't make our own decisions and were thus definitely not actually ready to be married.  It's a matter of the values we were raised with.  If FI had wanted to ask for their blessing or permission I would have respected that, but I knew that my parents would have found it ridiculous and inappropriate and I told him so.  Someday, if we have daughters, I think it would be a very sweet gesture if their future husbands were to ask for our permission and/or blessing, but I personally would not require it necessary, nor disrespectful if they didn't.  I would find it disrespectful if my daughter WANTED him to ask and he didn't, but if she doesn't want him to, it's NBD.
    Posted by DrPB2b13[/QUOTE]

    I totally understand... I just felt like there were some other posts that were condemning of asking for a blessing.... so I just wanted to clarify that in my situation it was a respect thing and it really meant a lot to me. Just another way for FI and I to honor my parents. :)
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    edited March 2012

    I voted no.  He didn't ask.  I didn't want him to.  I'd lived on my own for years and just the thought of him asking makes me feel funny.    And I'm very close to my parents.

    Plus, I didn't want anyone to know before I did.  My sister's husband asked first, so my parents and my other sister knew for weeks before she did.  I wanted to be the first to know when it was my turn.  If that makes sense.

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    edited March 2012
    FI definitely asked. I had told him how important it was to both my dad and I. Its a conversation my dad has looked forward to since I was born.

    One morning when I took Edmond out for a walk, FI grabbed my phone and took my parents phone number. He called (they are in CA, we are in OR) on his lunch break at work but Dad didn't answer because he didn't know the number. FI had to leave a message. Dad called back later and they had "the conversation." That was a Tuesday, he proposed the following Saturday. My mom was DYING because dad forgot to ask FI when he would propose so every time I called that week she hoped to hear the news.
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    My FI didn't exactly ask my dad for his permission/blessing, he actually PROPOSED TO MY DAD. Haha I believe his exact words were "Denny, will you be my father-in-law?" To which my dad laughed and said yes. I was upstairs with my mom at the time but I had a sneaky suspicion what FI was doing downstairs with my dad (they hadn't really spent much alone time together before and we had gone and looked for rings before). 

    I think it's old school to ask for permission, but asking for a blessing is a sign of respect. I mean, (if you're close enough with your family), your parents raised you and took care of you for x number of years and it's a big deal for them to give up being the #1 person/people in your life for someone else. I'm glad FI did it the way he did :)
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_asking-permissionblessing-to-get-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding Club BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:e313d3b0-5c06-4c77-81d5-a41a74b67926Post:085a294d-99ec-4e22-ace4-365f9c89d072">Re: Asking permission/blessing to get married</a>:
    [QUOTE]<strong>My FI didn't exactly ask my dad for his permission/blessing, he actually PROPOSED TO MY DAD. Haha I believe his exact words were "Denny, will you be my father-in-law?" To which my dad laughed and said yes</strong>. I was upstairs with my mom at the time but I had a sneaky suspicion what FI was doing downstairs with my dad (they hadn't really spent much alone time together before and we had gone and looked for rings before).  I think it's old school to ask for permission, but asking for a blessing is a sign of respect. I mean, (if you're close enough with your family), your parents raised you and took care of you for x number of years and it's a big deal for them to give up being the #1 person/people in your life for someone else. I'm glad FI did it the way he did :)
    Posted by Bejohnson5[/QUOTE]

    oh that is too cute!!
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_asking-permissionblessing-to-get-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:e313d3b0-5c06-4c77-81d5-a41a74b67926Post:085a294d-99ec-4e22-ace4-365f9c89d072">Re: Asking permission/blessing to get married</a>:
    [QUOTE]My FI didn't exactly ask my dad for his permission/blessing,<strong> he actually PROPOSED TO MY DAD. Haha I believe his exact words were "Denny, will you be my father-in-law?"</strong> To which my dad laughed and said yes. I was upstairs with my mom at the time but I had a sneaky suspicion what FI was doing downstairs with my dad (they hadn't really spent much alone time together before and we had gone and looked for rings before).  I think it's old school to ask for permission, but asking for a blessing is a sign of respect. I mean, (if you're close enough with your family), your parents raised you and took care of you for x number of years and it's a big deal for them to give up being the #1 person/people in your life for someone else. I'm glad FI did it the way he did :)
    Posted by Bejohnson5[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>HAHAH!!!! I love that!!!

    </div>

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    It was important to me to have FI ask my dad before asking me.  I also knew it was important to my dad so I made this very clear to FI.  Perhaps that's why it took 6 years to get engaged.  Anyway, apparently FI emailed me dad on a Thursday for a phone number to call him at (my dad has no cell phone and FI knows my parents number so I think he did this just to prep my dad....who knows).  Anyway, my dad didn't check his email until Sunday because it was Father's Day weekend (which I happened to be visiting my dad for without FI).  So FI was sweating it out for a few days.  My dad responded with the home number.  When FI and I both were back at our apartment that afternoon, FI had to go "get fish food" and called my dad while he was out to ask.  This was a Sunday.  We got engaged the next Saturday when we were visiting my parents again.

     I loved that my parents knew for a week before me.  I keep thinking back to that night when FI and I went to get ice cream and my parents knew he was trying to get me out of the house to propose (we ended up at the beach after ice cream) and I had no idea!  Even when I got back to the house they played it cool until I burst out "Well you guys knew how to keep a secret!"

    As FI proposed I even asked him "OMG does my dad know?!"
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    MMRoberts11MMRoberts11 member
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    edited March 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-club-boards_june-2012-weddings_asking-permissionblessing-to-get-married?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20Club%20BoardsForum:3ae4d68d-f10a-4dec-8810-da13c14a7b86Discussion:e313d3b0-5c06-4c77-81d5-a41a74b67926Post:085a294d-99ec-4e22-ace4-365f9c89d072">Re: Asking permission/blessing to get married</a>:
    [QUOTE]My FI didn't exactly ask my dad for his permission/blessing, he actually PROPOSED TO MY DAD. Haha I believe his exact words were "Denny, will you be my father-in-law?" To which my dad laughed and said yes.
    Posted by Bejohnson5[/QUOTE]

    HAHA.  That's cute!
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    I knew FI had talked to my mom, but I didn't know what the conversation was like.  I just asked him.  His response to me:

    "I just said 'hey, I'm planning on asking Tara to marry me sometime in the next month.  You cool with that?'"

    Hahaha.. Still.. I think it's cute that he talked to her. 
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    FI asked for my family's blessing (not permission). I thought it was cute that he did that, as it's not something I expected him to do. We are grown adults and already live together, so I never felt like we needed anyone's permission or blessing. But he's more traditional than I am.
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