That one BM is working my nerves again....rant

JKeyes2011

So I love my seamstress, she decided before she even cuts the fabric my mom purchased for the BMs dresses she would buy a cheap fabric and make the top to all of the dresses to make sure each girl can be confortable in the dress and she can work out any kinks before cutting into the actual fabric. She called my mom to inform her of this and so we decied on the first Saturday in April we would get the BMs together to try on their dress tops with their bras so they can get the feel and it can be seen if they need more room or not. I messaged all the girls and they are pretty much okay with the date and time...except that one BM who gave me issues before and didn't show up to the last meeting.
She says I can't take off time to come to the meeting....We are facebook friends and I see all her posts, she is always taking off work to hang out with people and like last week go to Minnisota and like with the last meeting heading off the San Francisco for the day to play around PASSING my house along the way.
I remember the last time she was in a wedding last year. She didn't even own her own car at the time and she bent over backwards to make the 4 hour drive from her house to San Francisco with a borrowed car and was into everything for that wedding. Now she owns her own car and has the same job she had then. She hasn't attended one thing for this wedding. I don't want to kick her out of the party because I don't want to be mean, but she really has to step up her game.
FRUSTRATED!

I really don't think my BMs understand that I have a medical condition. They think they can irritate me and I can brush it off the same way they or any normal person can. I have an auto-immune disorder that attacks my skin and as soon as the tiniest thing bothers me my skin goes crazy and I am itches and broken out in red patches everywhere in no time. My goal through this is so remain as calm as possible so when it comes to the day my skin can look wonderful on my wedding day and I am not all broken out. This is the 2nd time they have me broken out. I doubt I will get sleep tonight because my skin is going insane right now and I don't want to take the drugs from the doctor to make me sleep because I won't be able to function tomorrow.

sadou02

Good morning. IMO, I think you should just let her go.  You're still 3 months out and the dresses havent been made yet. Its obvious from what you have told us that she is uninterested.  You dont need the added stress and you dont need to have the flare-ups from your A-I syndrome.

One thing I have told myself is that Im not going to let anyone or anything stress me. If I feel that I just let go.  My FI and I have both adopted that method.  You should consider it too.

Hope you feel better.

lil01

Since you seem to always have issues with her, I would contact her via phone & ask her if she thinks its best for her to step down as a BM since she is always busy doing other things & has no time for your wedding activities. She just may step down without you having to kick her out. If you leave a msg, I would let her know that if you don't hear from her by (date), you will proceed with the planning without her as a BM, but she is welcomed to attend as a guest. You really shouldn't be going through this constant BS with her. Sorry!

2010Bride2be

My opinion is going to differ from everyone's here, so I'm ready for the backlash.....But, I've never understood why brides get so upset when they try to get everyone together for something wedding related and someone can't make it. She's an adult and has other things going on in her life. Whether it be work or vacations, or whatever, as long as she's there for you on your special day, dressed in the attire you requested, she's doing her job as a bridesmaid. Is there any reason why she can't schedule her own appointment with your seamstress? Perhaps another day would work better for her.

I had a similar issue as you with a BM who til this day has not been to order her dress. I'm not threatening to kick her out or anything. However, if she does not have her dress in hand by the time the programs go to print, then she doesn't walk. End of story. It's not kicking her out, it just is what it is. To prevent yourself from getting stressed out, I would just take that approach. She's an adult, she knows what she has to do. If she doesn't do it, she doesn't walk, its that simple.

sweets18

I agree that you should check in with her and see how committed she is to your wedding. I also agree that although our weddings our priorities to us, they won't be to everyone else and that is fine. If she isn't able to meet your expectations I say dump her but be completely comfortable and confident in whatever you decide. You don't want to have any regrets about your decision. You also need to do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your body. Just tell her how you feel and based on the response pray about it and make your decision and don't think twice about it again.

ebonyivory10

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_african-american-weddings_one-bm-working-nerves-againrant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:400Discussion:d0edb4aa-bf75-46b6-82a4-9767475ea46ePost:04d159a8-0cff-4fe1-83a8-a2501d8051b3">That one BM is working my nerves again....rant</a>:
[QUOTE]So I love my seamstress, she decided before she even cuts the fabric my mom purchased for the BMs dresses she would buy a cheap fabric and make the top to all of the dresses to make sure each girl can be confortable in the dress and she can work out any kinks before cutting into the actual fabric. She called my mom to inform her of this and so we decied on the first Saturday in April we would get the BMs together to try on their dress tops with their bras so they can get the feel and it can be seen if they need more room or not. I messaged all the girls and they are pretty much okay with the date and time...except that one BM who gave me issues before and didn't show up to the last meeting. She says I can't take off time to come to the meeting....We are facebook friends and I see all her posts, she is always taking off work to hang out with people and like last week go to Minnisota and like with the last meeting heading off the San Francisco for the day to play around PASSING my house along the way. I remember the last time she was in a wedding last year. She didn't even own her own car at the time and she bent over backwards to make the 4 hour drive from her house to San Francisco with a borrowed car and was into everything for that wedding. Now she owns her own car and has the same job she had then. She hasn't attended one thing for this wedding. I don't want to kick her out of the party because I don't want to be mean, but she really has to step up her game. FRUSTRATED! I really don't think my BMs understand that I have a medical condition. They think they can irritate me and I can brush it off the same way they or any normal person can. I have an auto-immune disorder that attacks my skin and as soon as the tiniest thing bothers me my skin goes crazy and I am itches and broken out in red patches everywhere in no time. My goal through this is so remain as calm as possible so when it comes to the day my skin can look wonderful on my wedding day and I am not all broken out. This is the 2nd time they have me broken out. I doubt I will get sleep tonight because my skin is going insane right now and I don't want to take the drugs from the doctor to make me sleep because I won't be able to function tomorrow.
Posted by JKeyes2011[/QUOTE]

I would say see if she can go to the seamstress at another time, and if not then cut her loose.  Things can only stress you if you allow them to do so; don't allow it!  For the sake of your health, I would eliminate any situations that you might feel stress about and if that means asking your friend to step down then so be it.

JKeyes2011

@sweets18 & @2010Bride2be
I think what is bothering me about her is I know she has stuff to do and all, but when I first got engaged and initially asked her to be a BM she was the one jumping over backwards to do everything and to be overly involved and always wanting to do something and texting me all the time about how she couldn't wait for everything to get going and to come down to my place and work on stuff and have meetings and parties....just everything. This is only our 2nd meeting...which she didn't attend the first. I know she lives far from me and it's not like I ask them to be at my house every day doing stuff. For the most part I ask my bridesmaids to do nothing. I had an issue with my MOH last week because she felt like she wasn't doing anything. For most things my mom and I have been handeling together and I have only been involving the girls for the important stuff (ie their dresses). We already have it planned for when we do get down to putting together favors and such the will pretty much already be done and they will just be doing the final assembly and everything can get done in one night. I'm not trying to be crazy bride and calling people to my house at strange crazy times to do things for me. I am capible of doing things myself, but I cannot try on her dress.

I have one other BM who can't make it, but she and I have already talked forever ago and I 100% know her situation. She is a grad student at SF Sate and lives all the way in Santa Cruz, she commutes there every day in her old 1995 barely working Toyota and she works a tutoring job where she barely makes her gas to San Francisco. My mom is even paying for her dress. She has already come to me with her situation and we are working things out. All the other girl has to do is to come to me and explain her situation in a normal matter and not come to me at the last minute like the last meeting (luckily she didn't do that this time) and tell me her situation to things can be worked out instead of just saying, "Oh I can't come." and I bet on facebook that day she will be posting something like, "Having fun skiing today."

I really care less now if her dress fits right, she can be unconfortable in it I don't care now. My mom is so happy that the seamstress is doing them and my mom this favor. My mom paid good money for that fabric that she specially ordered and the lady said she didn't want to even cut the fabric just to make sure each girl can be confortable in their bust area. My BMs range from A cup to DDD and so she wants them all to feel confortable in the dress despite their breast size. The girls didn't even have to pay anything towards the price of that fabric, my mom took in all the cost of the fabric and any dress notions.

I think I will call her and see what is actually up with her and see if she really wants to do this or not before the fabric is cut and before she pays any money for her dress. I already had to replace a groomsman because one was her boyfriend and they decided to break-up. I really didn't want the awkwardness and to be kind to her I let him go. I am sure by this afternoon I should have an answer.

SORRY to rant on again, I'm not mad at all. I am just irritated with the situation. I am not a person to work with people. Even in school if we had to the choice to work alone or in groups even if the group was my friends i worked alone. When it comes to getting stuff done, I don't work with people.

sweets18

I completely understand... trust me! Just try not to let it stress you and wait and see what she says when you talk to her about it. I really hope it all works out!

lil01

I understand how you feel. Although we (as brides) can't expect our BMs to drop everything everything in their lives & live through us during the wedding process, if I was close & spent time with a friend (who's a BM) before I got engaged & then all of a sudden she was always unavailable, I would be a little worried & bothered. I do believe in talking to the person first to find out if its something personal going on with them except just kicking them out. I'm not sure about anyone else, but for me it would be more about the support & friendship than not participating in my wedding. JMO

JKeyes2011

She hasn't contacted me yet. Oh well I will wait until tomorrow to deal with her. I am going to have a day off from this wedding today and everyone can wait.