How many ceremonies?

pumpkin314159

I live in a state that does not yet have marriage equality, but we're about an hour from the border with a state that does. My idea is to do the "paperwork" ceremony with just us and witnesses across the border around lunchtime and then come back to our hometown for the "real" ceremony, which will be performed by SO's grandpa, a pastor, and for which we'll write our own special vows, her dad will walk her down the aisle, etc...is it weird to do that if we were already married by a judge earlier in the day? I don't think so, but SO seems to think if we are going across the border to get the papers signed, we might as well do the whole ceremony/reception there, too. I see her point. I do want to give money to vendors in a state where we are allowed to marry...but in our hometown I have a venue in mind, a photographer in mind, our favorite bakery is here...and all our family is here and they would have to all drive an hour if we want to get married "across the border." So, what do you think? Is it too weird to get married twice in the same day?

QueerFemme

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_gay-weddings_how-many-ceremonies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:44Discussion:abb81fb7-2d77-4d0e-bbbc-0fa58b5827eaPost:2d4760fb-4736-446a-b8e9-b365f36d905c">How many ceremonies?</a>:
[QUOTE]I live in a state that does not yet have marriage equality, but we're about an hour from the border with a state that does. My idea is to do the "paperwork" ceremony with just us and witnesses across the border around lunchtime and then come back to our hometown for the "real" ceremony, which will be performed by SO's grandpa, a pastor, and for which we'll write our own special vows, her dad will walk her down the aisle, etc...is it weird to do that if we were already married by a judge earlier in the day? I don't think so, but SO seems to think if we are going across the border to get the papers signed, we might as well do the whole ceremony/reception there, too. I see her point. I do want to give money to vendors in a state where we are allowed to marry...but in our hometown I have a venue in mind, a photographer in mind, our favorite bakery is here...and all our family is here and they would have to all drive an hour if we want to get married "across the border." So, what do you think? Is it too weird to get married twice in the same day?
Posted by pumpkin314159[/QUOTE]


This is probably the only circumstance that it makes any sense to have a JOP wedding and a wedding re-do.  I personally, don't see any reason to have the ceremony re-do.  I would probably just host a private ceremony in the other state and come back home and host the party/reception.   However, I wouldn't necessarily side-eye a same sex couple who did it this way, since clearly, we can't get married in most states.

One thing to keep in mind, is when you get married in another state, you have to abide by those laws. I have said this to other people, and people get their feathers ruffled because they don't want to think about divorce when they are in the throws of a beautiful relationship and planning their weddings. But, when you get married in New York, for example, if you ever get divorced, you would have to be a resident of the state to have access to the laws there. Most states require a six month residency requirement.

My partner and I had a beautiful ceremony in California. We registered as domestic partners and we have legal documents to protect us in the event of an emergency (to make medical decisions).  We decided not to bother going to another state to get legally married, because once we got home, that was mostly meaningless anyway (in addition to what I mentioned above about having access to the courts). 

Just something to consider.

pumpkin314159

Thank you so much for your advice and input.  I'm sorry for not replying sooner! We're still playing around with different ideas about the ceremony/reception/legal ceremony.  It's unfortunate there's no easy answer.

I do appreciate the legal complications of getting married in a state where you don't have (and don't plan to have) residency.  This is actually my second wedding and I'm an attorney, so I have some first hand knowledge of the obnoxiousness of the divorce process and I've done some research on same-sex marriage and divorce laws in various states (this is further complicated by the fact we'll likely be moving between now and the wedding).  I agree with you that, at this point, a legal marriage might be more complicated than is justified by the benefits...but my fiancée is dead-set on a legal marriage.  And hopefully by the time we wed (and, heaven forbid, by the time be divorce) more states will have marriage equality and it will be a moot point.

Thanks again for your feedback...it's nice to hear from someone who's been there

beachek

we are in this same boat. we live in PA, so we are choosing to get married in New York on a Friday. we're going to do that with our immediate families and very close friends, about 15 people. then we will all go to dinner at a restaurant, kind of in lieu of a traditional "reheresal" dinner.

the next day, Saturday, we will come back to Philly and host our reception/party for everyone - about 125 people. that way, we get the best of both worlds on the same weekend so it will still feel inclusive and like "our" wedding day.

i appreciate the complexities of not being able to get married on the same day in the same place. and i didn't want to do a committment ceremony in PA just to do one. if i'm getting married, i'm going to do it for real.

QueerFemme

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_gay-weddings_how-many-ceremonies?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:44Discussion:abb81fb7-2d77-4d0e-bbbc-0fa58b5827eaPost:e0343238-b4d4-48d6-91ce-2037d0ca0877">Re: How many ceremonies?</a>:
[QUOTE]we are in this same boat. we live in PA, so we are choosing to get married in New York on a Friday. we're going to do that with our immediate families and very close friends, about 15 people. then we will all go to dinner at a restaurant, kind of in lieu of a traditional "reheresal" dinner. the next day, Saturday, we will come back to Philly and host our reception/party for everyone - about 125 people. that way, we get the best of both worlds on the same weekend so it will still feel inclusive and like "our" wedding day. i appreciate the complexities of not being able to get married on the same day in the same place. and i didn't want to do a committment ceremony in PA just to do one. if<strong> i'm getting married, i'm going to do it for real.
</strong>Posted by klily58[/QUOTE]

I'm sure you didn't mean it this way... but, as someone who had an amazing ceremony surrounded by 120+ family and friends, this is really offensive.  I promise you, my marriage is "for real". 

vmdizzle

I am planning on getting legally married in D.C, but having my ceremony in NC at the outer banks in a beach house. We have always wanted a beach wedding and love the NC beaches. I am rather nervous about the whole thing. Thankfully I know all of my vendors, just worried about the actual beach house rental company trying to slam us with extra fees or flat our denying our request. I am chosing the road of not even telling them its a same sex wedding. Honestly the owners would never know anyway!