"So, are you living together yet?"

ElisabethJoanne

My future husband and I were at a party Saturday and got asked, "So, are you living together yet?" When we said, No, our interlocutor, our bestman, actually, asked, "What's the deal? You can't live with someone before you're married?" To which I replied, "Yes." But that seemed insufficient. I was caught off-guard. What should I have said?

And it's not a one-time occurrence. I get asked all the time, "Where do you [meaning you two] live?" and when I explain we live about 30 miles apart, I get, "So when are you moving in together?" or "So are there plans to move in together?" Also, we can't hide behind commute issues or anything like that; my future husband works from home.

Anyone got any God-honoring but snappy come-backs? or do you just answer the questions?

MelissaC315

I would just answer the questions by simply saying "we plan to move in together after the wedding", etc. I don't think people need anymore explanation than that.

lulubella2011

I would just say "no we aren't planning to live together until after the wedding."

soozy87

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_living-together-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:5db6fd5d-411b-4048-8c33-aa52342309f1Post:543e37a5-e1b6-49b3-b49e-4d24c6c31ab8">Re: "So, are you living together yet?"</a>:
[QUOTE]I would just answer the questions by simply saying "we plan to move in together after the wedding", etc. I don't think people need anymore explanation than that.
Posted by MelissaC315[/QUOTE]

This!

drama1308

I everyone else covered it pretty well. I guess now days it's "normal" to live together before getting married so people kinda just assume you are. 

Just say "We aren't moving in together until after the wedding because it goes against our beliefs" (or whatever you want to say) They don't need any other explaination than that.

RebeccaJac

My pastor's wife asked us where we lived and then turned beat red when she realized it sounded like she was asking where the two of us lived together haha. 

PP covered it! Just say after the wedding

FaithCaitlin

Agree with the girls-- just keep it simple and say you're moving in after the wedding!

katiebaka

I understand your frustration -- FI and I were both living with our parents and he just moved into the apartment we'll be living in after the wedding. For the most part, I've just said "I'm not living there yet" or if I'm feeling goofy I'll say "M is using his last chance at a bachelor pad!'

Ash61612

I agree with all the above PP's. I feel like a broken record sometimes because I know we aren't in the norm when in comes to couples living together but it's something we both believe and are fine not moving in together.

azdancer8

I agree with PPs. I guess I had it easy in that regard, because we lived 4 hours apart for all of our dating. No one asked or assumed anything since it was kind of obvious.

toothpastechica

i get this on pretty much a daily basis...ESPECIALLY since we just bought a house together....and im not living in it for 5 more months (till the wedding obv). I've pretty much either said..".yeah the church thing" or i have luckly have the benefit of the fact that the new house is 10 minutes from FI's work but an hour from my school...so people accept that since im in school till may, its logical that i stay at my parents (only 20 mins from the collage)

RyansBelovedBride

And hey, it's good it comes up.  I mean, I'm not saying you're changing anyone's opinions, but the more people hear that some of us aren't living together before marriage, the better.  Because it does seem like you hear from society that it's not "first comes love, then comes marriage" instead it's "first comes a date, maybe some sex, then comes love, then comes living together, then comes marriage". 

I like it the old way better. And even if someone doesn't agree with my religious beliefs, I also like them to know (in a totally non-judgmental way) that there is another option. Because I know a lot of girls especially feel pressured to do it the long, "modern" way, when in their heart of hearts they'd rather "first comes love, then comes marriage".

But with Ryan in India, it's pretty obvious we're not living together. Though lots of people have asked where I'm going to stay when I visit him and if I say with him I often get interested looks until I ammend, "In his parent's guest bedroom."

katiebaka

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_living-together-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:5db6fd5d-411b-4048-8c33-aa52342309f1Post:2302242a-aa19-4523-a158-2d3a65ed91a9">Re: "So, are you living together yet?"</a>:
[QUOTE]And hey, it's good it comes up.  I mean, I'm not saying you're changing anyone's opinions,<strong> but the more people hear that some of us aren't living together before marriage, the better</strong>."
Posted by RyansBelovedBride[/QUOTE]

<div>I agree -- I've actually had more than a couple people stop and think about it and say, "actually, that's really cool of you guys" when I tell them I won't be moving in until after the wedding. </div>

mattycam

I agree with PP. I was faced with the same questions. Continue to stand up for what you believe in.

naomikb

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_living-together-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:5db6fd5d-411b-4048-8c33-aa52342309f1Post:3937268d-b215-41f9-8186-a5ae215fa594">Re: "So, are you living together yet?"</a>:
[QUOTE]i get this on pretty much a daily basis...ESPECIALLY since we just bought a house together....and im not living in it for 5 more months (till the wedding obv). I've pretty much either said..".yeah the church thing" or i have luckly have the benefit of the fact that the new house is 10 minutes from FI's work but an hour from my school...so people accept that since im in school till may, its logical that i stay at my parents (only 20 mins from the collage)
Posted by toothpastechica[/QUOTE]
I don't know, I don't think it's necessary to come up with a fake reason for why you aren't living together or just not respond to the question.

I think it's totally fine to say why (in one sentence, not a sermon) you have chosen to not live together before marriage.  Maybe you'll encourage them to do the same or show them your reasoning and open their eyes to something new.

However, I did live with H before marriage so maybe I don't quite understand why it's difficult to say to people -- it seems common on here to be uncomfortable with responding to the question.  I think you should be solid in your reasoning and decision.

mrandmrsbrist

I didn't find it difficult to say to people at all. I just said, "No, we'll live together after we're married."

Are you worried about people judging you? I know I felt a little bit self-conscious when some people would comment that it was better to live together before marriage so that way you could be sure you knew the person, or something like that. But it was never enough to make me want to come up with a fake reason for why we weren't living together.

ochemjenn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_living-together-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:5db6fd5d-411b-4048-8c33-aa52342309f1Post:673f24c0-39e6-43c7-91eb-d5ac8b7b1d3e">Re: "So, are you living together yet?"</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand your frustration -- FI and I were both living with our parents and he just moved into the apartment we'll be living in after the wedding. For the most part, I've just said "I'm not living there yet" or if I'm feeling goofy I'll say<strong> "M is using his last chance at a bachelor pad!'
</strong>Posted by katiebaka[/QUOTE]

I like this!

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_living-together-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:5db6fd5d-411b-4048-8c33-aa52342309f1Post:3937268d-b215-41f9-8186-a5ae215fa594">Re: "So, are you living together yet?"</a>:
[QUOTE]i get this on pretty much a daily basis...ESPECIALLY since we just bought a house together....and im not living in it for 5 more months (till the wedding obv). I've pretty much either said..".<strong>yeah the church thing" or i have luckly have the benefit of the fact that the new house is 10 minutes from FI's work but an hour from my school...so people accept that since im in school till may, its logical that i stay at my parents</strong> (only 20 mins from the collage)
Posted by toothpastechica[/QUOTE]

1.  re: "yeah the church thing":  why do you feel the need to blame this on church?  either man up and accept that it's your choice or don't, but you shouldn't place blame on church.

2.  why do you have such a hard time just saying "we aren't living together until after we get married"??  my H and I bought a house 6 months before the wedding.  he lived in it by himself and I lived with my parents 5 minutes away.  if someone would ask, I would just say "he's living in it until after the wedding and then I'll move in".

it's only a big deal if you make it a big deal.  and shifting the responsibility of your choice to live separately to your church/religion is definitely not the mature thing to do.  if that's your choice, then be an adult and own it.  you should never blame your religion for your choices.  if you have a belief that is influenced by your religion, then say it.  "we choose not to live together until after marriage because of personal and religious convictions"...  not, "because my church says we have to."

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_living-together-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:5db6fd5d-411b-4048-8c33-aa52342309f1Post:13be5342-2561-45a0-b98f-646691932c0b">"So, are you living together yet?"</a>:
[QUOTE]My future husband and I were at a party Saturday and got asked, "So, are you living together yet?" When we said, No, our interlocutor, our bestman, actually, asked, <strong>"What's the deal? You can't live with someone before you're married?" To which I replied, "Yes."</strong> But that seemed insufficient. I was caught off-guard. What should I have said? And it's not a one-time occurrence. I get asked all the time, "Where do you [meaning you two] live?" and when I explain we live about 30 miles apart, I get, "So when are you moving in together?" or "So are there plans to move in together?" <strong>Also, we can't hide behind commute issues or anything like that; my future husband works from home. </strong>Anyone got any God-honoring but snappy come-backs? or do you just answer the questions?
Posted by ElisabethJoanne[/QUOTE]

1.  you can't, or you won't?

2.  why do you feel a need to hide behind excuses?  just own up to your convictions...  and so what?  how is it God-honoring to hide your convictions and essentially lie about why you're not living together?  God-honoring would be to tell the truth:  "we aren't living together until after the wedding.  it's a personal choice between the two of us, and it's working out great."  no lies, no hiding, no excuses.  you are honoring God by telling the truth.  <em>how can you shine your light and honor God if you're always covering it up?</em>

ElisabethJoanne

"I cannot do what I will not do."

It's always awkward to answer a question that assumes something false. You can't just answer the question. You first have to correct the false assumption, and that can be both syntactically difficult and tricky in not embarrassing the other person. After all, 60% of couples do live together before marriage, and I'm sure the number is higher in this area, with its relatively late marriages and lack of religious influence.

Further, I don't really have an answer for "Why aren't you living together?" My opinions on Christianity and fornication are unusual and undeveloped. My conscience just can't accept fornication or co-habitation, but "It's against my conscience" is not really cocktail party conversation. I feel that it's none of our friends' business whether we're having sex or living together, and I'd prefer not to answer the question. But I was never good at saying "I don't consider that any of your business," and it's less awkward to say SOMETHING than to refuse to answer.

As for the opportunity "to be salt and light," I have yet to encounter a non-religious person who understood what it is to be motivated by religion, particularly in personal decisions. A response like "My conscience, informed by my religious beliefs, doesn't like the idea" might as well be in a foreign language among my friends and acquaintances. And, again, it's not really about religion.

chelseakopperud

I agree with PPs... just tell them you plan to live together following the wedding. Make it known that you are happy about it by adding "and we are so excited!" or something like that to the end. I think that will help any negative comments back. FI and I are asked this a lot and some people think we are "weird" but we don't care!

Bett2012

I actually love it when people ask me that - it gives me an opportunity to quickly share a snapshot of some of the values (ie: things that are important to me) with others in a non-judgmental way since they're the ones who asked me!

i just say a simple "we want to wait until the wedding until we live together".  I've had a few people say "oh, cool..... actually, that's really refreshing!" and I know they don't share my beliefs from their own lifestyle choices... which is really cool

Don't be embarrassed about your values just because they're not mainstream... be proud of your convictions

mrandmrsbrist

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_living-together-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:5db6fd5d-411b-4048-8c33-aa52342309f1Post:e271194e-342a-4902-ad72-f8222824acc4">Re: "So, are you living together yet?"</a>:
[QUOTE]"I cannot do what I will not do." It's always awkward to answer a question that assumes something false. You can't just answer the question. You first have to correct the false assumption, and that can be both syntactically difficult and tricky in not embarrassing the other person.
Posted by ElisabethJoanne[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Really? I had no problem saying, "Uh, nope. We aren't living together before the wedding."</div><div>
</div><div>This is blunt, but maybe you just need to get over it and get used to saying it.</div><div>
</div>

toothpastechica

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_living-together-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:5db6fd5d-411b-4048-8c33-aa52342309f1Post:b0729e78-d9f5-4310-a78d-9cd17f68ed82">Re: "So, are you living together yet?"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: "So, are you living together yet?" : <strong>I don't know, I don't think it's necessary to come up with a fake reason for why </strong>you aren't living together or just not respond to the question. I think it's totally fine to say why (in one sentence, not a sermon) you have chosen to not live together before marriage.  Maybe you'll encourage them to do the same or show them your reasoning and open their eyes to something new. However, I did live with H before marriage so maybe I don't quite understand why it's difficult to say to people -- it seems common on here to be uncomfortable with responding to the question.  I think you should be solid in your reasoning and decision.
Posted by naomikb[/QUOTE]

there were no fake reasons mentioned.....why would you assume im making something up because i said church (beleifs) and school are reasons for not?

naomikb

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_living-together-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:5db6fd5d-411b-4048-8c33-aa52342309f1Post:7f85c31b-ef55-4ebb-8f2a-48b77325a782">Re: "So, are you living together yet?"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: "So, are you living together yet?" : there were no fake reasons mentioned.....why would you assume im making something up because i said church (beleifs) and school are reasons for not?
Posted by toothpastechica[/QUOTE]
Okay, maybe the word "fake" was a bit extreme, but you seem to be avoiding saying the truth about why you aren't living together (here I assume it is because of your convictions about living together before marriage since that's what this thread is about, even though you didn't explicitly say so) by either saying "yeah the church thing" which puts blame on your church instead of being accountable for your own decisions, or "have luckly have the benefit of the fact that the new house is 10 minutes from FI's work but an hour from my school", also another "out", doesn't sound like that is the actual reason you aren't cohabitating.  Why not just tell people the reason you aren't living together?  Assuming it is a conviction/personal choice/religious following then it is a perfectly acceptable reason, I don't see why you are hesitant to share your opinions with them.

Maybe I'm way off base but your original post made it sound like you were sloughing off the question by putting the blame on other things.

DeannaCW

What's really fun is to mess with people's heads, and act like it's a really weird question for them to be asking.  :P

But he lives in England right now and will be moving out for the wedding, so it's kind of obvious we're not.

DramaGeek

I just always answered very matter of factly.  No, we're not living together.  No, we don't plan to until we're married.  No, we're not afraid we'll learn something about each other that makes us not want to be married once we've moved in together.  Yes, we're happy with our choice.  So on and so forth.

A good stock answer is "No, we're not living together before we're married.  While it works for some people, we know it isn't the right choice for us."

2012FutureMrsB

I just tell people we're not living together until we're married and then keep talking. They usually don't ask questions. But on occasion, I do get irritated when people just don't understand - for example, I'm in a leadership program that requires us to do attend a three-week conference next summer. We were told we had the option of staying in town and doing a local conference via satellite or otherswise fly out of state for the entire three weeks. I said early on that I would stay in town (because it's only three weeks after I get married and there's no way I'm going to leave my new husband for three weeks when we've only been married for three weeks!).

So the other day, our professor got irritated at us b/c it turns out nobody is planning to go to the out-of-state conference. She looked at me and said "well, you're single and you don't have kids, so why can't you go?" I was dumbfounded b/c she knows I'm engaged, so I politely and firmly explained that I would be a newlywed at that time and that I did not want to leave my new husband for three whole weeks since we'll be adjusting to married life. Another girl in the program spoke up and said she got married last summer and then went on the three week trip and it was no big deal (but I knew it was b/c they had been living together for quite awhile and had already gone through the typical adjustments that newylweds have to go through).

So I had to carefully explain that my FI and I won't be living together until after the wedding and so we'll be going through a lot of adjustments. And I ended it by firmly telling the professor that I was NOT going to leave my new husband for three weeks when I had already been given the option to do the program locally. Hopefully, she won't try to guilt-trip me again!

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_living-together-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:5db6fd5d-411b-4048-8c33-aa52342309f1Post:8288540e-5f28-40ac-82eb-dbe1427333b4">Re: "So, are you living together yet?"</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: "So, are you living together yet?" : Okay, maybe the word "fake" was a bit extreme, but you seem to be avoiding saying the truth about why you aren't living together (here I assume it is because of your convictions about living together before marriage since that's what this thread is about, even though you didn't explicitly say so) by either saying "yeah the church thing" which puts blame on your church instead of being accountable for your own decisions, or "have luckly have the benefit of the fact that the new house is 10 minutes from FI's work but an hour from my school", also another "out", doesn't sound like that is the actual reason you aren't cohabitating.  Why not just tell people the reason you aren't living together?  Assuming it is a conviction/personal choice/religious following then it is a perfectly acceptable reason, I don't see why you are hesitant to share your opinions with them. Maybe I'm way off base but your original post made it sound like you were sloughing off the question by putting the blame on other things.
Posted by naomikb[/QUOTE]

right on.

LittleBigO

Sounds like I don't need to add my 2 cents. 

But I will add that a lot of people ask me if we have kids because we're married, and I'm 19, he's 20.  They just ASSUME I got prego and that's why we got married and I just laugh it off and say no, we're waiting for a loooooong time (in reality about 5-6 years).   

It's so crazy how society is pushed to ask if you live together or have a kid just because you're getting married!!  What ever happened to "crazy little thing called love"?  :P

ShadowCutter

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[QUOTE]I would just say "no we aren't planning to live together until after the wedding."
Posted by lulubella2011[/QUOTE]



This is what I say, except instead of "not planning to" I say "not going to" because that plan is not going to change. Not that I actually get asked this, but I know it's possible. And if they try to tell you "everyone lives together before marriage" don't listen, tell them you don't and if you know anyone else who doesn't tell them you know others. That makes it not everyone, plus your choice is your choice.