A few weeks ago I went to work with a really bad headache so I left and went to my fiance's house to nap while he and his family were at work (i asked them if that was ok). while in his room i saw that his old cell phone was on. he stopped using it becuase his work gave him one to use for personal and business. i did a bad thing and snooped through his phone becuase i'm nosy. i came across texts between him and other girls that had been sent recently...basically, he was saying he was single and plans were made to meet up with some of the girls. i was devestated! upon further snooping in his room i came across a self pleasure device and was devestated.
i text him that he we need to talk so he came home for lunch. i flat out asked if he was seeing girls behind my back and asked him to explain the messages.
he said he wasnt seeing anyone and nver met up with them. he didn't know why he even started to talk to them and promised he wasn't cheating on me. i cried a lot and he just sat there stunned. then i asked about that other thing and he said his friends gave it to him as joke becuase they know he is a virgin. he said he will cancel his phone that day and throw that thing away. he asked me if i wanted to call off our wedding and i said no. i believe what he said to me but my best friend wasn't sure he was honest and that he might do something again.
i also asked him if he wants to marry me. i told him that means he is with me and only me for the rest of his life. he knows it will take me a while to trust him again.
i couldn't bear to be without him and i'm not ready to give up that easy. we talked things over and decided we are both 100% committed to this relationship and marriage. and we still want to get married and have a life together.
i don't know why he felt the need to seek an ego boost from other girls but ic an't help think i must not have been doing somethign right...i told him to tell me if he ever isn;t happy and what i can do to make it better. i love him so much and i know he loves me.
should i have cancelled our wedding and called things off? should i have post poned it? did i do the right thing?
we are done talking about it becuase we both want to put it behind us and just move forward.
Re: curious to know what you all think i should have done
As far as the texts...I don't know what I would have done. My gut says postponement would be good - why get married if you can't trust him? On the other hand, I can't honestly say that if I were one month out I would have postponed, either.
I think a lot of prayer is needed and I'm not sure being done talking about it is a good thing. Seems like there could be more going on here that needs to be explored as far as the whys of it all.
[QUOTE]I think it was a good thing that you found this now. I think it would be worse if you found it when once you were married.<strong> Have you guys done any premartial counseling yet? If you have, I would make it an appointment for you and Fi to meet with him/her and discuss this issue. If you haven't then you will want to bring this up in counseling. By telling someone about this, he becomes accountable not just to you but to someone else</strong>. Sitting down with someone will also give you both an open forum to discuss this issue and hopefully give some sound advice on how to do deal with it in marriage.
Posted by LeahVB2011[/QUOTE]
<div>this is a great point. praying for you guys. I would have been very disturbed to find those texts because like a PP said, they had intentions behind them. And the fact there were more then one girls is also upsetting to me. Please, please sit down with someone yall both are comfortable talking about. I wouldn't want to just brush this aside this close to getting married. This is a BIG deal. </div>
He told other girls he was single. That means he can not only picture his life without you in it, he's making plans as if that's the case. At the very least, I would postpone the wedding. I think you should prayerfully consider a postponement.
Me personally, I probably would have ended it outright, but I'm not at all tolerant when it comes to things like that.
My Blog
100/100 books read in 2012
17/100 books read in 2013
[QUOTE]He told other girls he was single. That means he can not only picture his life without you in it, he's making plans as if that's the case. At the very least, I would postpone the wedding. I think you should prayerfully consider a postponement. Me personally, I probably would have ended it outright, but I'm not at all tolerant when it comes to things like that.
Posted by sessionswedding[/QUOTE]
I agree with all of this.
OP - since you're asking people on the internet if you made the wrong choice in agreeing to move forward with the wedding I'm assuming you know in your gut what you really want to do. Yes, walking away now would hurt...but it would hurt a lot more to be years into a marriage that is based on lies and discover that he has been cheating (and also consider that you're putting yourself at risk for STD's and STI's in the meantime because you don't actually know what he has or hasn't done). Yes, people can make honest mistakes - dialing a wrong number, missing an appointment by accident, etc... Texting other girls, telling them he's single and making plans to meet up with them is NOT an honest mistake. You don't know if he did or didn't meet up with these girls or how long the texting has been going on for. I don't think his behaviour isn't going to stop. I think the ship your relationship was on has sailed and it's time to let it go.
Honestly I would postpone. Yes it's embarrassing but I would rather be embarrassed once than spend a lifetime wishing you had been. Go to counseling, both of you. I would also thinking about going separately too. He seems to be making the right steps but I wouldn't marry him until you trust him again, otherwise you will make yourself miserable looking for something that may or may not be there. Is there an older woman in your church you can talk to that might be able to give you some guidance in this issue? GL, I hope he will truly change and that you guys have a happy marriage.
Married! May 27th, 2012
[QUOTE]A few weeks ago I went to work with a really bad headache so I left and went to my fiance's house to nap while he and his family were at work (i asked them if that was ok). while in his room i saw that his old cell phone was on. he stopped using it becuase his work gave him one to use for personal and business. <strong>i did a bad thing and snooped through his phone becuase i'm nosy</strong>. i came across texts between him and other girls that had been sent recently...basically, he was saying he was single and plans were made to meet up with some of the girls. i was devestated!<strong> upon further snooping </strong>in his room i came across a self pleasure device and was devestated. i text him that he we need to talk so he came home for lunch. i flat out asked if he was seeing girls behind my back and asked him to explain the messages. he said he wasnt seeing anyone and nver met up with them. <strong>he didn't know why he even started to talk to them and promised he wasn't cheating on me.</strong> i cried a lot and he just sat there stunned. then i asked about that other thing and he said his friends gave it to him as joke becuase they know he is a virgin. he said he will cancel his phone that day and throw that thing away. <strong>he asked me if i wanted to call off our wedding and i said no</strong>. i believe what he said to me but my best friend wasn't sure he was honest and that he might do something again. i also asked him if he wants to marry me. i told him that means he is with me and only me for the rest of his life. he knows it will take me a while to trust him again. <strong>i couldn't bear to be without him</strong> and i'm not ready to give up that easy. we talked things over and decided we are both 100% committed to this relationship and marriage. and we still want to get married and have a life together. i don't know why he felt the need to seek an ego boost from other girls but ic an't help think i must not have been doing somethign right...i told him to tell me if he ever isn;t happy and what i can do to make it better. i love him so much and i know he loves me. should i have cancelled our wedding and called things off? should i have post poned it? did i do the right thing? we are done talking about it becuase we both want to put it behind us and just move forward.
Posted by christinavy[/QUOTE]
I am concerned about several things in this post.
See the bolded parts.
1. I am concerned that you are snooping through his phone and room. It seems to me that you have a trust issue with guys, in general. Counseling and prayer can help this.
2. I am concerned that he asked you if you wanted to call off the wedding. Why did he assume this? Is he scared or nervous about getting married? If he is doing this now, what else will he do? You call it an ego boost, but I call it infideltity. I have watched this happen to H's parents and it is devastating.
3. I am concered about his sex toy and his buddies giving it to him. Are you certain that he is a virgin and that his friends were just being silly? I don't think you need to interogate anyone for your own sanity. This is a trust thing. If it was just a silly toy, why hasn't he gotten rid of it? Just curious.
4. You say you couldn't be without him, but I know you could. There is only one man you could never be without and that's the Lord Jesus.
Overall, I think you have some great concerns and good points. PP's have also brought up some things that you may want to look into.
Postponing the wedding to get couple's couseling and pre-marital counseling is very beneficial. Also, personal couseling for both of you will both help. I am in couseling and H is going to start as soon as his school schedule isn't nuts.
If this happened to me, I would post pone the wedding until further notice and work and focus on my relationship.
Have open discussions and pray for translucency for both of you. Also, pray together. I know it's scary if you don't do it now, but its great when you do it. :)
First Look
[QUOTE]I think you two should talk about it in premarital counseling. While the texts weren't exactly appropriate, his response when you asked him about them seems honest, and it doesn't sound like he tried to deny anything. We all make mistakes in relationships, some bigger than others, but what I think is really important is being truthful about it and asking for forgiveness. He put himself in a bad situation, but it does sound like he realizes his mistake and truly wants to marry YOU, not be involved with other girls. I'm not trying to say people can do whatever they want and get away with it by saying "sorry." By offering to cancel the phone he's demonstrating that he understand what he did was wrong and wants to honor you by changing his behavior.
Posted by ochemjenn[/QUOTE]
I agree with Ochemjenn. This doesn't mean it's over, but he needs to go to counselling and/or sex addiction treatment and you guys need to go to counselling together. It's serious but not insurmountable.
If he says he is single to another girl thats a major red flag that he isnt ready.
If you take him to counseling and talk it all out and maybe then decided that counseling will be contining after the marriage ? Those things would send a red flag up to a pastor.
I agree with the statement about living without him. How long have you been together ? And why did you look at his phone ...Did you have an idea something might be there ?
He needs to prove that he is trust worthy and really wants to get married ...
And if his friends really did give him the toy I'd lay down a few rules for a bachlor party if I were you ...