Christian fiance wants to move apart

jw204902

Hello,

I am recently engaged and my fiance is Christian. We have been living together for over 4 years and we are looking to buy a house. He wants me to move back in with my parents (I'm almost 30 years old and that is not going to happen) while he moves in to our new home. I grew up with no religion however I have been very open to his beliefs and we regularly attend church. I have also said that bringing up our children with his beliefs is fine with me. In the past, he had said he wanted to live apart before we got married but I was never able to come to terms with the idea and he told me to just forget about it if it was making me so angry. But now that we are engaged he is saying we should live apart for almost a year! Then he said atleast 6 months... He says its because his parents are not ok with it and I feel like he is 32 years old and just needs to decide for himself what he thinks is right and wrong. I know that is it frowned upon to cohabitate before marriage but we have already done it for 4 years. I said that I could maybe stay with my folks like 2 months before the wedding but I really want to move into our home with him. I also told him I would agree to separate bedrooms and no sex if thats what he wants but I feel like he just wants to have is cake and eat it too. I think even if we did live apart we would still have sex... so what is the point exactly?? I do not think we will be getting married if we move apart for 6 months. Has anyone been in this situation? Is there anyway to compromise with him or are we just too different to make this work?

Thank you all,
Julie

BMcLeodTeam

This isn't exactly just a 'Christian' thing but its also specific to each person/church and their beliefs. I personally live with my fiance. We moved in together when I was going through some pretty serious health problems and have lived together for a year and a half now, will right up until the wedding. We are, however, celibate. That's the choice that works for us, not necessarily what will work for everyone.
I think this is something where you need to both have a heart to heart where instead of just saying your'e against it, ask him to explain why he feels this way and why its important to him. Attempt to understand him and maybe that will make it easier to find a compromise between the two of you.

sessionswedding

It sounds to me like your FI had slacked way off on his personal convictions (not living together, not having sex, etc.) and then all of a sudden, either of his own accord or his parents' chiding, felt convicted to reestablish previously removed boundaries.  I.e. he was fine with all of this before, but now he's not and wants to change it.

In this day and age there are a lot more Christians living together and/or having sex before marriage (my DH and myself for example).  But the generation of your DH's parents would not only frown upon it but consider it a sin, as would a majority of Christians today.  He may just be trying to please his parents.

Another thing is that many pastors and/or churches require you to do premarital counseling before getting married.  Usually six weeks or so.  If they found out you were living together, they may deny counseling and thereby force you to have a civil cermony, which may be a deal-breaker for your FI and his (obviously religious) family.

In any case, I think you should definitely talk about all of this with your FI.  Try to figure out why he is wanting to change the situation all of a sudden and see if you can come to a compromise.

naomikb

I think this is a very personal decision that you and your FI need to make together.

Why exactly does he want to live apart?  I think you need to have a discussion to figure that out.  Is it his own wish or his parents?  Is it that he doesn't want to have sex?  If so then I agree you could live in the same house but sleep in different beds or the same beds and then just choose to not have sex.  It might be hard but that's the way it goes.

Are you opposed to living apart or living with your parents?  You could always rent a separate apartment, or you could live in your house and he can live elsewhere if it makes you uncomfortable to live with your parents again.

I do think that a 32 yo man and a 30 yo woman should discuss and make this decision together as a unit, a decision that they are both happy with, and not be forced into something by parents.

peachykeen26

Can I ask why you wouldn't get married if you lived apart for six months? It shouldn't really matter where you live in regards to getting married. If you are saying that moving out is going to be a deal breaker than maybe you need to reevaluate the true reasons you are getting married.
I agree with PP's that it seems like he has slacked in his personal beliefs and now wants to get "back on track."
H and I lived together for a year and a half but that's for private reasons that I won't disclose. We lived in separate rooms on different floors are went out of our way to not have sex. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. It's tough but we felt a lot better about our relationship when we got married three weeks ago.

ochemjenn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_christian-fiance-wants-to-move-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:91bb37aa-014a-4636-b9e6-5647b4863b9ePost:4eb560fb-a0e4-4704-9e29-a5a87831b0e0">Re: Christian fiance wants to move apart</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Can I ask why you wouldn't get married if you lived apart for six months?</strong> It shouldn't really matter where you live in regards to getting married. If you are saying that moving out is going to be a deal breaker than maybe you need to reevaluate the true reasons you are getting married. I agree with PP's that it seems like he has slacked in his personal beliefs and now wants to get "back on track." H and I lived together for a year and a half but that's for private reasons that I won't disclose. We lived in separate rooms on different floors are went out of our way to not have sex. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't. It's tough but we felt a lot better about our relationship when we got married three weeks ago.
Posted by peachykeen26[/QUOTE]

I was wondering the same thing.  OP, I agree that it your and his decision - not his parents.  If he feels convicted to live apart, why not have him move into his parents house (since it sounds like they're close) while you live in your new house? 

jw204902

Well thank you for all of your responses. He actually left home when he was 14 but he does have a relationship with them again and yes they are very religious but they live across the country and we see them maybe 2 times a year. They are very sweet and always very kind to me when we visit and I think they know that we are adults and even if they don't agree with our decision they have dealt with it. They even stayed with us last year when they came to visit. As far as not getting married if we move apart I am just afraid that if I do move away from him for 6 months I will never be able to forgive him for making me leave and I think we will grow apart and not get married. Obvioulsy I know this is something we need to decide together but I guess I was just wondering if other people did this.... and I think it's clear that they don't. If he wants to get back on track with his beliefs then I think maybe we are too different. It just seems crazy to me that he could live together for as long as we have and then ask this from me...  Anyways, I guess I needed to vent before we talk again... Yesterday ended with me saying that I won't do it and us not talking for the rest of the night.. Again, thank you for your responses!

SugarFoote

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_christian-fiance-wants-to-move-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:91bb37aa-014a-4636-b9e6-5647b4863b9ePost:62ad9448-7d50-4e7a-a7fd-c64009e031ad">Re: Christian fiance wants to move apart</a>:
[QUOTE]Well thank you for all of your responses. He actually left home when he was 14 but he does have a relationship with them again and yes they are very religious but they live across the country and we see them maybe 2 times a year. They are very sweet and always very kind to me when we visit and I think they know that we are adults and even if they don't agree with our decision they have dealt with it. They even stayed with us last year when they came to visit. As far as not getting married if we move apart I am just afraid that if I do move away from him for 6 months I will never be able to forgive him for making me leave and I think we will grow apart and not get married<em>.</em> Obvioulsy I know this is something we need to decide together but I guess I was just wondering if other people did this.... and I think it's clear that they don't. If he wants to get back on track with his beliefs then I think maybe we are too different. It just seems crazy to me that he could live together for as long as we have and then ask this from me...  Anyways, I guess I needed to vent before we talk again... Yesterday ended with me saying that I won't do it and us not talking for the rest of the night.. Again, thank you for your responses!
Posted by jw204902[/QUOTE]

I think you need to take a step back and read this.

"If I move away from him for 6 months I will never be able to forgive him for making me leave and I think we will grow apart and not get married." Are you serious? I think you just have issues about not wanting to move in with your parents. If this is important to your FI and his beliefs (although in the past he has removed those boundaries) then maybe you should try to compromise. In all honesty, no offense, this sounds like you are puffing up like a child on the situation and getting angry because your not getting your way. I hate that I had to say that, but that is the vibe I am getting.

I think you need to revaluate your relationship.

GJones27

I just wanted to reassure you that there is nothing wrong with moving in with your parents for a brief duration, like six months, unless there is some extenuating circumstance you're not sharing.  I also wanted to reassure you that if your fiance wants to live apart, it's likely NOT because he has reservations about you.  Perhaps there is some discrepancy between not living together versus having sex because if he were to cut off everything, he's afraid of what might happen (losing you, upsetting his parents, disappointing the church community).  Giving up sex is also very hard for guys.  I would focus on not making him go against his values.  Being with a person with values will do a lot for you over the long term.  And we would be up in arms if a man ever pressured a woman to, say, have sex when it's against her values. I think living apart for six months will also make moving in together again exciting and new.  So I echo many of the sentiments shared on this board (but again, we are Christians, so many of us believe sex and living together before marriage is wrong).

RebeccaJac

If that's all it takes for you to leave your FI, you have bigger issues than living situations. I respect your FI's willingness to pursue what he feels is right especially when you're obviously not making it an easy thing for him to do. You're going to have things like this come up all the time in marriage, it's about sacrificing for each other and helping one another become who they desire to be. 

mrandmrsbrist

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_christian-fiance-wants-to-move-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:91bb37aa-014a-4636-b9e6-5647b4863b9ePost:cf2fd6a6-49b3-471b-a2a6-d8fffabf12eb">Re: Christian fiance wants to move apart</a>:
[QUOTE]If that's all it takes for you to leave your FI, you have bigger issues than living situations. I respect your FI's willingness to pursue what he feels is right especially when you're obviously not making it an easy thing for him to do. You're going to have things like this come up all the time in marriage, it's about sacrificing for each other and helping one another become who they desire to be. 
Posted by RebeccaJac[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Yuuuup. Calm down, OP. Not living with your FI is not the end of the world. There are a lot of ladies here who were in a LDR during their engagements. It can work.

</div>

GunzNRoses213

I agree with Sugar and Rebecca Ja... just to name a few...

Ash61612

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_christian-fiance-wants-to-move-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:91bb37aa-014a-4636-b9e6-5647b4863b9ePost:cf2fd6a6-49b3-471b-a2a6-d8fffabf12eb">Re: Christian fiance wants to move apart</a>:
[QUOTE]If that's all it takes for you to leave your FI, you have bigger issues than living situations. I respect your FI's willingness to pursue what he feels is right especially when you're obviously not making it an easy thing for him to do. You're going to have things like this come up all the time in marriage, it's about sacrificing for each other and helping one another become who they desire to be. 
Posted by RebeccaJac[/QUOTE]

<div>]agree. Both of you need to go, have a cup of coffee some where out of the house and talk about why you feel the way you do and why he feels the way he dows. There are going to be bigger and more stressful things that come up during a marriage then this and if this is what makes you consider leaving him them you need to put the engagement on hold. Have you two talked about counseling? talking with someone you both trust?</div>

joe&cassie

I think maybe the OP is hurt by her FI's wanting her to move out.  I'm sure I'd be upset if I had been living with my FI for 4 years and then all of the sudden he said I want you to move out before our wedding only to move back in later.  I'd say he better have a pretty good one other than his parents don't like it.  My parents don't like my relationship but they are dealing with it because I am happy.  But anyways OP you need to talk to your FI and find out what he wants... not what other people want and if he wants to go back to what his beliefs are then you need to respect that.  It'd be a deal breaker for me if my FI didn't respect my religious beliefs.

Edit:
Also I may be over reacting but the first line of your post made it sound like it is a bad thing to be christian... "I'm recently engaged and my FI is Christian."  Being a christian is a way of life and if you can't respect that then you and your FI have big issues.  It's not just about going to church with him... it's respecting every aspect of that and sometimes that means things that you won't like.

daffydillie

Im sorry but I think I am in the camp OP is. I think her title and first sentence is her difference in faith from her FI and not sharing his "Christian" values. Which in this case, I question.

I am Christian and FI was agnostic newly converted Christian, and FI and I have lived together for a year now. If he were to pull this stunt on me, I would show him the door. No doubt. And I am only 26, but have lived on my own since 17. Sure there is nothing wrong with living with your parents in an emergency but this is far from an emergency.

Here is my question, so you two are looking at buying a house together who will be responsible for the mortgage and who's name will the house be in? If it is both of yours, this would definitely be a no deal for me as well. If you are paying for the house, lived together and shared expenses for 4 years, there is really no justification for this. There has to be a compromise, if its him living in the basement, moving back to his parents, or separate rooms. Why should you be financially responsible for his change in values? And moving in with my parents when I am an adult and successful is never an option.

As far as marriage counseling and such, FI and I are participating in marriage counseling and classes with our church. They know we live together. We are being married by our pastor with no problems. Have you met with people from his church?

If he is insistant on this I would not continue to have sex with him if you move apart, withdraw financial support and not cosign the mortgage, and spend time re-evualating the relationship.

Also, how long ago did his parents come back into his life?

RyansBelovedBride

I don't know your FI's motivation, but I do know that sex outside of marriage is considered a sin. In the Christian faith, we are supposed to "repent" [which is a fancy word for 'turn away' or 'stop doing' it]. So if your fiance is trying to turn away from sin, he's probably struggling with God on his conscience. It really isn't about you, but I do understand why you'd be upset. This is one reason why Christian parents try hard to teach their children not to have sex/live together before marriage, because once you introduce that level of intimacy into a relationship it is ridiculously hard to turn back without damaging the relationship, but at the same time if you continue in sin after God has convicted you of it, your relationship with God suffers.

If however he's merely trying to bow under family expectations, that is a different story. Christiany isn't about what other people think. Try to talk to him about the motivation he has for wanting to make this change. If it is God, I recommend you try to sepearate... maybe you can agree to 3 months? If it is his family, that is different. Don't get between his relationship with God, even if you don't understand it. But if it is his parents, then as you said, you've already been living together 4 years!

SugarFoote

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_christian-fiance-wants-to-move-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:91bb37aa-014a-4636-b9e6-5647b4863b9ePost:2a634a1f-54c8-482f-af1a-6b84bdfd02f4">Re: Christian fiance wants to move apart</a>:
[QUOTE]Im sorry but I think I am in the camp OP is. I think her title and first sentence is her difference in faith from her FI and not sharing his "Christian" values. Which in this case, I question. I am Christian and FI was agnostic newly converted Christian, and FI and I have lived together for a year now. If he were to pull this stunt on me, I would show him the door. No doubt. And I am only 26, but have lived on my own since 17. Sure there is nothing wrong with living with your parents in an emergency but this is far from an emergency. Here is my question, so you two are looking at buying a house together who will be responsible for the mortgage and who's name will the house be in? If it is both of yours, this would definitely be a no deal for me as well. If you are paying for the house, lived together and shared expenses for 4 years, there is really no justification for this. There has to be a compromise, if its him living in the basement, moving back to his parents, or separate rooms. Why should you be financially responsible for his change in values? And moving in with my parents when I am an adult and successful is never an option. As far as marriage counseling and such, FI and I are participating in marriage counseling and classes with our church. They know we live together. We are being married by our pastor with no problems. Have you met with people from his church? If he is insistant on this I would not continue to have sex with him if you move apart, withdraw financial support and not cosign the mortgage, and spend time re-evualating the relationship. Also, how long ago did his parents come back into his life?
Posted by daffydillie[/QUOTE]

I have to disagree. It sounds like her FI is trying to do the right thing and that it is important to him to do this. Why would you kick you FI to the curb for having morals?

Ash61612

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_christian-fiance-wants-to-move-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:91bb37aa-014a-4636-b9e6-5647b4863b9ePost:224aba50-df6d-4ebe-9bf6-bf2579dcbb10">Re: Christian fiance wants to move apart</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Christian fiance wants to move apart : I have to disagree. It sounds like her FI is trying to do the right thing and that it is important to him to do this. <strong>Why would you kick you FI to the curb for having morals?</strong>
Posted by SugarFoote[/QUOTE]
no offense, but do you think this is a little harsh?

jenningz

Okay, some people are being way too harsh and judgemental.
I think you need to look at it in context, and not assume either party is being unreasonable.
I say, go out, talk and find out what the real issue is.

joe&cassie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_christian-fiance-wants-to-move-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:91bb37aa-014a-4636-b9e6-5647b4863b9ePost:17301dd9-797f-4edc-a967-b4b52847ceca">Re: Christian fiance wants to move apart</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, some people are being way too harsh and judgemental. I think you need to look at it in context, and not assume either party is being unreasonable. I say, go out, talk and find out what the real issue is. :)
Posted by jenningz[/QUOTE]

I disagree.  I think all of us were simply stating that if she is willing to walk away without talking it through then she needs to re evaluate and that if it's a matter of his faith that is making him do this then she should consider respecting his beliefs. 

jenningz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_christian-fiance-wants-to-move-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:91bb37aa-014a-4636-b9e6-5647b4863b9ePost:93f2188d-2016-45a8-b022-72d7b676e819">Re: Christian fiance wants to move apart</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Christian fiance wants to move apart : I disagree.  I think all of us were simply stating that if she is willing to walk away without talking it through then she needs to re evaluate and that if it's a matter of his faith that is making him do this then she should consider respecting his beliefs. 
Posted by joe&cassie[/QUOTE]

To be honest, I was talking about ONE person who was being harsh... and trying to just make an off hand comment. I completely agree with what everyone said, I just think someone needs to learn when to not say anything :)

ReturnOfKuus

I sure as hell would opt not to marry someone who was trying to force me into celibacy and living with my parents despite that being against MY beliefs, that's for damn sure.

jw204902

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_christian-fiance-wants-to-move-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:91bb37aa-014a-4636-b9e6-5647b4863b9ePost:2a634a1f-54c8-482f-af1a-6b84bdfd02f4">Re: Christian fiance wants to move apart</a>:
[QUOTE]Im sorry but I think I am in the camp OP is. I think her title and first sentence is her difference in faith from her FI and not sharing his "Christian" values. Which in this case, I question. I am Christian and FI was agnostic newly converted Christian, and FI and I have lived together for a year now. If he were to pull this stunt on me, I would show him the door. No doubt. And I am only 26, but have lived on my own since 17. Sure there is nothing wrong with living with your parents in an emergency but this is far from an emergency. Here is my question, so you two are looking at buying a house together who will be responsible for the mortgage and who's name will the house be in? If it is both of yours, this would definitely be a no deal for me as well. If you are paying for the house, lived together and shared expenses for 4 years, there is really no justification for this. There has to be a compromise, if its him living in the basement, moving back to his parents, or separate rooms. Why should you be financially responsible for his change in values? And moving in with my parents when I am an adult and successful is never an option. As far as marriage counseling and such, FI and I are participating in marriage counseling and classes with our church. They know we live together. We are being married by our pastor with no problems. Have you met with people from his church? If he is insistant on this I would not continue to have sex with him if you move apart, withdraw financial support and not cosign the mortgage, and spend time re-evualating the relationship. Also, how long ago did his parents come back into his life?
Posted by daffydillie[/QUOTE]

Thank you for actually seeming to understand where I am coming from. I am not by any means against his faith or unsupportive. As I said before I have been regularly attending church with him for over 2 years and just because I have not changed my beliefs (or gained his beliefs) does not mean that I do not respect his. I am however confused by his actions. He seems to be happy and fine with our life together and he is the one who proposed after 5 years. If it was really important to him wouldn't he have proposed before he moved in? He asked me to move in with him in Aspen where we first met. Then I moved to Denver and lived with my parents while he stayed in Aspen. He then chose to move to Denver and we got a place together which we have been renting for 3 years now and we want to buy house together. Yes both of our names will be on the contract and I will continue to be responsible for 1/2 of the finances. So I just want to make it clear that I am not ready to just walk away from this because of his request and I plan on marrying this man. I want to talk it out and compromise and all I was hoping for was that you guys might have some helpful tips to help me understand where this is coming from and if it is common in this religion. I am trying to understand why he would want this, as it is very hard for me to understand, not being a Christian. So thank you for all who are telling me he is trying to get back on track with his beliefs and I know I need to respect that. I have an amazing relationship with my parents and I could move in for any length of time with them and be so happy. But I feel that as an adult who is buying a home that I should have the right to live in that home also.... I'm hoping we agree to a shorter term (like 3 months) where I will move home and he can... i don't know what... anyways I will let you know what we decide. Thanks again!

ochemjenn

Sorry, for some reason I thought his parents were nearby.  I think it largely depends on his motives.  If he really feels that you should live separately and abstain from sex until you're married, that's one thing, and I'd say you should respect that.

However, in your OP, you say that you think you'd still have sex.  If he wants you to move out just so he can say to his parents "we're not living together" then yeah, you have a problem.  If his parents are really conservative, they might not be ok with just separate bedrooms, which may be why he rejected that idea.  Honestly, I think you proposed a great compromise to him, but he turned it down.  You're both adults who need to be making your own decision about where you live and with whom.  His parents beliefs should not be dictating how YOU live.

jw204902

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_christian-fiance-wants-to-move-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:91bb37aa-014a-4636-b9e6-5647b4863b9ePost:93f2188d-2016-45a8-b022-72d7b676e819">Re: Christian fiance wants to move apart</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Christian fiance wants to move apart : I disagree.  I think all of us were simply stating that if she is willing to walk away without talking it through then she needs to re evaluate and that if it's a matter of his faith that is making him do this then she should consider respecting his beliefs. 
Posted by joe&cassie[/QUOTE]

I want to let you know that I have not even considered walking away. I was simply saying that if he refuses to understand where I am coming from and he insists on 6 months apart I will try it but I am not sure that I will make it through 6 months. That is how I feel (please respect my beliefs) it is important that we stay together and close. So yes I am willing to try it and respect his decision but I am not sure I am strong enough... but who knows maybe I am. Yes I feel like a puffed up child who is not getting her way, but I have tried to come to terms with this idea for a few years now and it is something I can not seem to be able to do. (As I said before he has brought up this idea in the past and we have discussed it but because I am so hurt by it he told me not worry about it anymore) He probably has brought it up 5 times in the last 3 years and I have agreed to a few months before the wedding but I have said that it does hurt me. I also don't really understand how he can continue living together knowing that he wants to live apart before the wedding. That's the real question I guess. If he truly believes living together is wrong why does he continue to do it and how would moving apart before the wedding fix that?? He needs to respect my beliefs as well so I was hoping to compromise somewhere in the middle. Thank you for your responses :)

RebeccaJac

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_christian-fiance-wants-to-move-apart?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:91bb37aa-014a-4636-b9e6-5647b4863b9ePost:6faedb66-7f30-4b82-b5fd-30bc1c23dd35">Re: Christian fiance wants to move apart</a>:
[QUOTE]Sorry, for some reason I thought his parents were nearby.  I think it largely depends on his motives.  If he really feels that you should live separately and abstain from sex until you're married, that's one thing, and I'd say you should respect that. However, in your OP, you say that you think you'd still have sex. <strong> If he wants you to move out just so he can say to his parents "we're not living together" then yeah, you have a problem. </strong> If his parents are really conservative, they might not be ok with just separate bedrooms, which may be why he rejected that idea.  Honestly, I think you proposed a great compromise to him, but he turned it down.  You're both adults who need to be making your own decision about where you live and with whom.  His parents beliefs should not be dictating how YOU live.
Posted by ochemjenn[/QUOTE]

<div>Agreed. Bottom line, you need to get on the same pages about your views and figure out what you can bend on and what are deal breakers. If his motivation is a change of heart, that's for you to decide if it's something you can get on board with. If you can't, re-evaluate if this really is the best match for marriage. I don't mean that in a cynical way, you just don't want to be coming up against this your whole life. Is the man he's wanting to be the man you want to marry? Hope you find resolution soon!</div>

joe&cassie

OP I'm very sorry that I misinterpreted what you were saying.  I agree that you need to both be on the same page.  You guys may end up trying it and him hating it.  I maintain a separate residence than my FI but we spend every night together whether at my place or his purely for the fact that my parents don't want us to live together.  I hope you guys can reach an agreement.  I do agree that it is very silly to have a house with your name on it and not be able to live there.  I have a catholic friend who is moving into a new home in a couple days with her FI and their wedding is in August.  People who are Christian don't always have the same views on this.  I was just trying to help you understand that it may be because of his christian values and morals but you definitley need to find out why he wants this.  I truely hope things work out for you.

GJones27

I feel like I understand your FI's need to please his conservative parents, if that is the case. I grew up in a conservative Old World European culture as the daughter of an immigrant. I couldn't even visit my then boyfriend and his parents for the holidays until I was married. I could have done whatever I felt like, but since I knew my mom and godparents had not given their blessing, I couldn't bring myself to disappoint and cross them. It is something that is hard to explain unless you grow up with that. So if that is your FI's true motivation, I see no problem with wanting to respect that. The need for parental approval runs deep. You FI owes you an honest explanation, but if that is his reason, I still think it is okay.

ReturnOfKuus

I doubt not wanting to "cross" your parents is going to change just because you put on a couple of rings.  I wonder if your FI realizes that he's in for a rough road, GJones.

GJones27

In Response to Re:Christian fiance wants to move apart:[QUOTE]I doubt not wanting to quot;crossquot; your parents is going to change just because you put on a couple of rings.nbsp; I wonder if your FI realizes that he's in for a rough road, GJones. Posted by ReturnOfKuus[/QUOTE]

Excuse me? First, I am married. My husband is very happy with me and my parents. If no one likes hearing Christian or conservative viewpoints, even if I try to be kind and respectful about it, then please post on the E board. Your comment was uncalled for, especially given what I said. It is also presumptuous that somehow other cultural perspectives are wrong. I am just helping OP understand her FI better if that is his background.

ReturnOfKuus

FFS.  Mr. Kuus and i come from Old World families, too, and the extent to which we disagree on not "crossing" our families has been something that has caused stress here and there.  And if you ever read any of the old Nest boards, it has caused a lot of problems and divorces in other people's marriages, too.

If you and your husband agree that your parents shouldn't be "crossed", then that's one thing.  But the OP and her FI don't have the same outlook, and being expected not to "cross" someone else's parents when you wouldn't even let your own have such a say, well, that's not ever going to work.

Good luck being the king of the internet and deciding who can respond and how, though.  I'm sure that's going to go REALLY well for you.