vacations?

KellyS01

What are your thoughts on taking a vacation with your FI?  Just curious.

FI and I are not vacationing together, but I see many posts/pics on the boards of vacations with FI.  I don't have a huge problem with it, but I feel like it just looks bad because even if you aren't doing anything, people will assume that you are. 

AllyG303

FI an I vacation together all the time, with and without my family.  His uncle was not okay with it, and told us that we were sinning when FI helped move me home from college.  We know that we are saving ourselves for marriage and have made it clear to family and friends.  If somebody wants to judge us for it, it's their problem, not ours.

DramaGeek

We did vacation together, but it was to visit my family and we were in separate rooms at my grandma's house, so it was quite clear nothing was going on!

amongthelilies25

i have never vacationed with FI since we have committed to abstinence. 1 year strong now!!! (: (: 

I probably wouldnt vacation alone with him... just cuz i know that people talk... but as long as we are being strong in our convictions.. then i think its okay. 

jessiegirl61610

Well the family members that really know you, will take your word for it and trust that you weren't doing anything.  And, if you have family members who aren't okay with it, tell them nothing's wrong with it, just because the government doesn't consider you married, you're still soul mates and married in the eyes of God!

yodacub

FI and I won't vacation alone together, but we are going to Key West with his family just before Christmas.

We also spend time at my grandpa's cottage - over Memorial Day weekend we did sleep in the same "room" - I always sleep in the loft which is basically the open hallway between my parents and grandparents rooms.  There were so many people there FI's choices were the loft with me and my brother or his car.  My brother slept between us, we called him the "buffer zone" the whole weekend   We are both dedicated to abstinace, but even if we weren't, the hall between my parents and grandparents in our own sleeping bags isn't really a temptation spot.

amongthelilies25

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_vacations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:a0a17972-68b8-4acc-88f4-8777765fe656Post:c2981b68-a010-45ba-9786-a87e00d4c55f">Re: vacations?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well the family members that really know you, will take your word for it and trust that you weren't doing anything.  And, if you have family members who aren't okay with it, tell them nothing's wrong with it, just because the government doesn't consider you married, you're still soul mates and<font class="Apple-style-span" color="#ff00ff"> married in the eyes of God!</font> :)
Posted by jessiegirl61610[/QUOTE]

<div>i don't understand this statement. How do we become married inthe eyes of God.. without being actually married?</div><div>not trying to offend.. just curious to other views. (:</div>

iamjoesgurl

We went on a few mini trips together (one overnight) but never on a full blown vacation.  Even in just the overnights, there was a lot of temptation.  

mrandmrsbrist

We've never "vacationed" together. We did travel a few hours to visit his grandparents and stayed there together, but in seperate rooms. Even that was tempting. I couldn't handle being in a hotel, sharing a bed.

jessiegirl61610

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_vacations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:a0a17972-68b8-4acc-88f4-8777765fe656Post:90a20b3b-c867-4d06-acc7-567477edffe5">Re: vacations?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: vacations? : i don't understand this statement. How do we become married inthe eyes of God.. without being actually married? not trying to offend.. just curious to other views. (:
Posted by amongthelilies25[/QUOTE]

Well in my opinion, if you and someone else have made the decision to spend the rest of your lives together and truly believe you are soul mates, then you are married in the lives of God, after all, if you're soul mates God made you and that other person to be together forever (which is why i say married in the eyes of God).  I don't really think that just because the government wants a document is the same thing as God viewing you as married...I just don't think God would need government docs when He knows that you two are soul mates (or married to each other for life). 

That's totally fine if ppl don't think the same way I do, that's just what I feel.  My FI and I have felt like we've been "married" for a few years...we didn't decide to get legally married till now because we wanted to be able to have enough money for a nice wedding

RebeccaJac

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_vacations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:a0a17972-68b8-4acc-88f4-8777765fe656Post:c2981b68-a010-45ba-9786-a87e00d4c55f">Re: vacations?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well the family members that really know you, will take your word for it and trust that you weren't doing anything.  And, if you have family members who aren't okay with it, tell them nothing's wrong with it, just because the government doesn't consider you married, you're still soul mates and married in the eyes of God! :)
Posted by jessiegirl61610[/QUOTE]

<div>I disagree with all of this. Our family members that really know us know we want to have sex. They know everything inside of us is ready for that, but the paperwork isn't done yet, so we can't. Sure, they trust us to make good decisions, but put two people who love each other, hormones raging, in the same bed and things will happen.</div><div>
</div><div>We've made mistakes. We haven't gone all the way, but I'm humble enough to admit that unless I guard myself things can, and do, happen. </div><div>
</div><div>You're not married in the eyes of God until you're married. Don't underestimate the bond of that ceremony. You're not one yet, so you shouldn't be behaving as if you are. It cheapens the real thing. You don't get to enjoy the fun parts of marriage without working through the difficult things. </div><div>
</div><div>Back to OP: We took one vacation together to California to look at grad schools two years ago. We each had our own hotel room though. I wouldn't do it again, even with own hotel rooms it raised too many questions and we had to answer to too many people for giving the appearance of sin even though nothing happened.</div>

Purple&7

We've taken an over night trip together. It was tempting, but we got through it. We are saving ourselves until marriage and our families know that. I don't like feeling judged so this is the reason why I don't open to people. We probably won't take another overnight trip alone until our honeymoon, though. 

drama1308

We took a vacation a year ago for one of his friend's weddings. It was 8 hours away from home and I didn't want him to go alone. He stayed with the groom and I stayed with the bride. On the way home from the wedding (because it was so late) we stayed at a hotel together but we didn't do anything besides actual sleeping. (We were so exhausted!)

We've also gone to reenactments together, but don't sleep in the same tent. At one reenactment we slept in the same room, but it was with 5 other people.

mrandmrsbrist

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_vacations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:a0a17972-68b8-4acc-88f4-8777765fe656Post:c2981b68-a010-45ba-9786-a87e00d4c55f">Re: vacations?</a>:
[QUOTE]just because the government doesn't consider you married, you're still soul mates and married in the eyes of God! :)
Posted by jessiegirl61610[/QUOTE]

Disagree. There's a reason there's a boundary of before and after marriage.

While there is a huge "legal" purpose in being married, you are also going before God during the ceremony that is uniting you as one. I don't understand how you can be married in the eyes of God without going before Him in front of friends and family.

ochemjenn

In college DH, then BF, and I made two trips to DC together.  Each time we got a room with two beds, and we abstained.  His parents were supportive and even helped us plan the trip.  FIL loves planning!

We also went on trips to his family's river house and abstained, though there we did sleep in the same bed.  We also made several trips to the beach where we stayed at an older friend's house.

letyourselfgo

jessegirl,

While my fiance and I do not subscribe to that view, what you are stating is acceptable to me under my view of the Bible.

To answer the question: Yes. We have vacationed together and we plan to do so often before we marry.

kellya01

Our first vacation was our honeymoon.  We had been on a few overnight trips to visit his family, go with his family to a second home, and going with friends to the beach, but whenever we went on these trips, a lot of other people were around and we stayed in separate rooms (or even separate houses sometimes) so we were able to avoid temptation.  The biggest thing for us was that we had told our friends and family that we committed to wait for marriage to have husband and wife relationship, especially the physical, so it was important that we gave the right impression to our friends and family whether they were with us or not.  The only exception was when DH and I were both teaching, we went to music educator convention and saved $ by staying the same room but I would go to bed early and he'd stay out with friends and by the time he would get back, we're in separate beds and I was already asleep.  That only happened one time, and I kind of wish we had spent the extra $$ on 2 rooms, but we know what we did and didn't do, and our family trusts us as we had never violated that trust with them. 

Sorry that got long!  That's us though, no judgment here.  I think each of us has to do what goes with our own convictions and faith as best as we can.  

ElisabethJoanne

My Roman Catholic friends are big on "avoiding occasions of scandal." They've refused to step into my church, because just coming inside might cause a scandal they're converting. If they've had to be alone with their future spouses (like a roommate's late coming home to chaperone them), they leave their apartment doors open. I find they go too far into worrying about other people's opinions. After all, other Christians are also obliged not to assume the worst, but to assume the best, of fellow brothers in Christ.

Maybe I bend the stick too far the other way. My future husband and I vacation together, staying in the same room. He spends 2 nights a week at my apartment (sleeping in a separate room), where I otherwise live alone. And yet my virtus is intact. A lot of both preparing for our relationship and being in is has been about getting over worrying about other people's opinion of me.

ElisabethJoanne

I should add that the behavior I describe from my Roman friends is real, from people I know very well. I understand it's not typical, though.

monkeysip

I agree that vacationing alone together is not the ideal--there is an amount of scandal in it.  However, FI and I have been together almost 9 years and we never have anyone to travel with.  We don't have many close friends, and we've tried several times to get different family members to take a trip with us, but they never would.  So we go on trips by ourselves occasionally.  

Honestly, the temptation isn't any more than on a normal hang-out day with FI.  In fact, often there's less temptation because we're always so busy (we like to go to Universal Studios, the beach, stuff like that).  We're really tired, come home to the hotel, and fall asleep to the TV.

Also, neither sets of my grandparents have room to keep us overnight.  In order to visit them, we have to spend the night in a hotel.

DramaGeek

Yeah, Elisabeth, I know a lot of Catholics and I don't know anyone who goes that far.  None of them would ever refuse to come to my church!

We've talked about this before here, but I went to what I felt was a very strict Christian college.  I learned while there that there are others that are much stricter (Bob Jones, Pensacola, etc), but I felt that our rules were somewhat strict.  We had floor hours, the door to the dorm room had to be open if a member of the opposite gender was in the room, etc.  From that aspect, I can understand where your friends are coming from, but to me it's not about the appearance of impropriety but the temptation aspect.  If I know what we're doing can be seen by anyone walking by, I'm a lot less likely to give in.

monkeysip

"You're not married in the eyes of God until you're married. Don't underestimate the bond of that ceremony."

I also agree with this... the ceremony is important.  It's not just paperwork.

Also, I find it awkward because FI's family *I think* has always assumed we're sleeping together.  I mean, they never say anything, but even though they know we're devout, practicing catholics, I think they assume that after so many years, we're sexually active.  His family isn't very religious, and FI's brother and 2 sisters all had children out of wedlock (not judging--I love his family!), so I think that's just kinda normal to them.  When we got engaged, his sisters kept asking when we were going to have kids.

We've never said anything that would make them think we're sleeping together, but at the same time, we've never come out and said, "we're waiting until marriage."  That would be a bizarre thing to insert into a random conversation with his family.  

jessiegirl61610

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_vacations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:a0a17972-68b8-4acc-88f4-8777765fe656Post:31a2a981-6f06-4671-89fb-0367243ee62f">Re: vacations?</a>:
[QUOTE]jessegirl, While my fiance and I do not subscribe to that view, what you are stating is acceptable to me under my view of the Bible. To answer the question: Yes. We have vacationed together and we plan to do so often before we marry.
Posted by letyourselfgo[/QUOTE]

THanks-I was just trying to explain my view of it since someone had asked-I wasn't trying to shove it down people's throats and start controversy.  I didn't think my statement was that weird-I was just raised to think that way, so I never thought it was wrong.  I wasn't trying to say others were wrong if they disagree with me, my thought was my view of the Bible and a part of my relationship with God.

jessiegirl61610

I've heard the term "married in the eyes of God" so often throughout my life and understanding of the Bible, that I didn't think it was so foreign of a phrase for many.  I'm sorry-I guess I shouldn't have posted it on here-I wasn't tryin to start something

monkeysip

@ Jessie

I don't necessarily equate government marriage with marriage in the eyes of God.

But I do think you need a sacred ceremony to be married.  I mean, you need serious vows and witnesses.  If a person can't get legally married, then I would say they could still be married in the eyes of God if they made sacred vows and had a witness (assuming the person isn't already married or something).  But I don't believe that you're already married just because you're committed to someone.  To me, marriage is for life.  There is no such thing as a dissolution of a marriage, so both spouses must be ready to make a life-long vow.  Not all committed people have done that.

jessiegirl61610

@monkey-My FI and I 3 years ago gave each other promise rings and promised each other we were going to spend the rest of our lives together

monkeysip

Jessie--only you know how serious the commitment you made was.  I would never judge someone else's level of commitment, and like I said before, I agree that you don't necessarily need to be legally married to be married in the eyes of God.  My only point was that marriage does require vows and witnesses.  If you say you guys made vows, then I'm not questioning you.  I do wonder why you didn't want to get legally married.  You say you wanted a big wedding, but to me, a wedding is when you get married.  A wedding is when you make vows.  So, if you already made vows, then didn't you already have a wedding?  And if the legal marriage isn't important, then why do you want to have a big one?  I guess I'm just confused.

RebeccaJac

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_vacations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:a0a17972-68b8-4acc-88f4-8777765fe656Post:ed6757db-2b5a-444a-98b0-27541dcdd885">Re: vacations?</a>:
[QUOTE]I've heard the term "married in the eyes of God" so often throughout my life and understanding of the Bible, that I didn't think it was so foreign of a phrase for many.  I'm sorry-I guess I shouldn't have posted it on here-I wasn't tryin to start something
Posted by jessiegirl61610[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>I don't think it started anything, just disagreements-- which is ok and essential if people are going to be challenged in their faith. </div><div>
</div><div>Do you mind if I ask what school of thought you grew up with? Just purely out of curiosity. I'm a pastor, and I haven't really heard of that teaching from any mainstream denominations so it peaked my interest. </div><div>
</div><div>
</div>

jessiegirl61610

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_vacations?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:a0a17972-68b8-4acc-88f4-8777765fe656Post:3ec338f0-cfb3-43e3-9bb8-d1db5a34243f">Re: vacations?</a>:
[QUOTE]Jessie--only you know how serious the commitment you made was.  I would never judge someone else's level of commitment, and like I said before, I agree that you don't necessarily need to be legally married to be married in the eyes of God.  My only point was that marriage does require vows and witnesses.  If you say you guys made vows, then I'm not questioning you.  I do wonder why you didn't want to get legally married.  You say you wanted a big wedding, but to me, a wedding is when you get married.  A wedding is when you make vows.  So, if you already made vows, then didn't you already have a wedding?  And if the legal marriage isn't important, then why do you want to have a big one?  I guess I'm just confused.
Posted by monkeysip[/QUOTE]

Yes, we already made vows, serious to us.  The actual wedding isn't important to me in the sense that I need it to feel like we're actually married, but when we actually were going to have the celebration of our love with our friends and family we wanted it to be nice. The vows we already made were more intimate since it wasn't in a huge, party setting.  That's just our preference, though

monkeysip

I see what you mean, Jessie.  No worries, just very curious as to your whole viewpoint on this!

jessiegirl61610

@Rebecca-I grew up w/ nondenominational Christian teachings, that weren't about religion, but more about personal relationships with God.  I've gone to various Calvary CHapels, and my mom was a Sunday school teacher