Saving Ourselves

jkh1182

My fiance and I have decided that we are going to abstain from having sex till we are married.  We are really learning a lot and since we started going to church 6 months ago we have been growing in God.  We both feel it will ready us for the commitment  we are about to make with each other and God.  I feel very happy about the decision we have made.  I'm also thinking about getting baptized in the church as well.

GJones27

Glad to hear!  You will never hear someone regretting "waiting for marriage," and once couples do get married and have sex, they will always say that the wait was worth it.  You'll always find a supportive group of girls on here going through what you're going through.

Btw, I just have to say, I love that dress in your siggy!

musicalsunlight

I'm glad you are comfortable with your decision to wait. Baptism is also a very special and wonderful thing. I don't remember mine, because I was baptized as a baby. But I do know of friends who have done it later in life and it was very meaningful. I encourage you to do it!

fpaemp2011

I'll be praying for you!  Waiting is not easy...and now we're 1,000 miles apart until the day before the wedding...I almost feel like we're cheating.

Besides accepting Christ as my savior, baptism was the one of the best decisions I've ever made.  I only regret waiting until I was 17 instead of getting baptized right after I was saved at 15.  I know that baptism is an outward expression of an inward decision, but I grew so much so quickly after finally surrendering my whole life to Him that I wonder how the first two years of high school would have been different if I hadn't been so stubborn.   I also wonder how MS would have been different if I had accepted Christ in Elementary school instead of, basically, rebelling against everything I had been raised in.  But that's another story.

~Emily

BrideToBeBecauseHeLovesMe

That's so awesome!!  I agree - I've never heard of anyone regretting waiting.  I also love that dress!!

I was baptized a long time ago, but then proceeded to run from God.  I know now that I'm back on track, and once I'm as committed as I hope to be, I'll become rebaptised.  It'll make me feel better I know. 

fpaemp2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_saving-ourselves?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:b36bdcab-c5d2-4a4a-a1a6-dca9ef03ad9aPost:cd5b99bc-88c1-4179-9122-4d92a4ed8eee">Re: Saving Ourselves</a>:
[QUOTE]That's so awesome!!  I agree - I've never heard of anyone regretting waiting.  I also love that dress!! I was baptized a long time ago, but then proceeded to run from God.  I know now that I'm back on track, and once I'm as committed as I hope to be, I'll become rebaptised.  It'll make me feel better I know.  :)
Posted by BrideToBeBecauseHeLovesMe[/QUOTE]

Just a note, from my personal life- Baptism was more of a "first step" for me in my walk after I was saved.  I really wasn't as inclined to follow Christ and seek wisdom from scripture and church leaders until I made that public declaration saying to my church, "Know you know I'm saved.  Hold me to it."

jkh1182

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[QUOTE]I'm glad you are comfortable with your decision to wait. Baptism is also a very special and wonderful thing. I don't remember mine, because I was baptized as a baby. But I do know of friends who have done it later in life and it was very meaningful. I encourage you to do it!
Posted by musicalsunlight[/QUOTE]

I was baptized as a baby in the methodist church, but once my parents got a divorce my mother raised us in the Catholic church, so I went through all the sacraments through the Catholic church.  Since then I strayed from God very far, and I recently started going to a baptist church that I absolutely love.  I feel that I get more out of church than I ever have.  I feel I am ready to give my life over to God and for once actually trust in him.  I very well know that choosing this Christian lifestyle will be the hardest thing I've ever done in my life, but I know it's the right thing to do.  I can already feel God working in me.  I also know that people will ridicule me for the decisions I'm making, but I'm ready.

jkh1182

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[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Saving Ourselves : Just a note, from my personal life- Baptism was more of a "first step" for me in my walk after I was saved.  I really wasn't as inclined to follow Christ and seek wisdom from scripture and church leaders until I made that public declaration saying to my church, "Know you know I'm saved.  Hold me to it."
Posted by fpaemp2011[/QUOTE]

This is what I believe as well.  I want people to hold me accountable, because I know it will help me to stay in the light.  I know noone really means to be critical in the church that they will just be lovingly supporting me in my spiritual journey.

fpaemp2011

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[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Saving Ourselves : This is what I believe as well.  I want people to hold me accountable, because I know it will help me to stay in the light.  I know noone really means to be critical in the church that they will just be lovingly supporting me in my spiritual journey.
Posted by jkh1182[/QUOTE]

I also encourage accountability partners who aren't related (or engaged) to you.  This is someone who is also a Christ-follower, a woman, and will ask you tough questions, but it should be a relationship where you can also ask them tough questions.  It really is an "iron sharpens iron" relationship...and sometimes it hurts, but knowing you have someone that you can call and confess to, and know that they will help you with truth and love and not judge you, is incredible.

~Emily

kellya01

I'm so excited that you and your FI are choosing to make this commitment!  It can be hard to turn away from our sinful ways to let God be the ruler of our lives, and the journey isn't easy, so definitely look for support within your church - perhaps by a Sunday School class or Fellowship class.  I got baptized after I was saved and know that it was the right decision for me.  :-) 

bourgehm

How awesome!! That's great!

Know that it's VERY tough to get back into a pure life.  FI and I were not very pure at first when we started dating.  After a year of falling away from God, we realized what was happening and decided to put God back in the center of our relationsihp. Coming from someone who also hasn't been so pure the whole relationship, it's very difficult to move those boundaries back. Dont' get discouraged if you  mess up (especially in the beginning), just keep moving those boundaries back. Think of the things that are 'okay' to do for you two, and push the boundary a step back further.  It's so hard to stick to your boundaries when you know what's beyond those points. It really is. Feel free to PM me if you need some encouragement or to talk. I get how tough it is.

Here are some things that help: Try try try to keep yourselves in a public place. Take time to just be together, but for those times, before you are together remind yourselves of the boundaries.  Something that helps FI and I is when I say, "okay sweetie. We're going to be alone now, but we're NOT going to makeout. Help us stay accountable." It's helped to get stuff like that right on the table so that we both know and are reminded of what is oging to happen, and what is not. Be specific.  Also prayer helps. Pray for God to keep you two away from temptation.

I'll be praying for you!

jkh1182

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[QUOTE]How awesome!! That's great! Know that it's VERY tough to get back into a pure life.  FI and I were not very pure at first when we started dating.  After a year of falling away from God, we realized what was happening and decided to put God back in the center of our relationsihp. Coming from someone who also hasn't been so pure the whole relationship, it's very difficult to move those boundaries back. Dont' get discouraged if you  mess up (especially in the beginning), just keep moving those boundaries back. Think of the things that are 'okay' to do for you two, and push the boundary a step back further.  It's so hard to stick to your boundaries when you know what's beyond those points. It really is. Feel free to PM me if you need some encouragement or to talk. I get how tough it is. Here are some things that help: Try try try to keep yourselves in a public place. Take time to just be together, but for those times, before you are together remind yourselves of the boundaries.  Something that helps FI and I is when I say, "okay sweetie. We're going to be alone now, but we're NOT going to makeout. Help us stay accountable." It's helped to get stuff like that right on the table so that we both know and are reminded of what is oging to happen, and what is not. Be specific.  Also prayer helps. Pray for God to keep you two away from temptation. I'll be praying for you!
Posted by bourgehm[/QUOTE]

Thanks.  I wish I could just be in public places with him, but since his house burned down he has been living with me, but we are both taking this very seriously.  I know that if we fall off the wagon we will get back on.  We are definitly going to try our best.

AshNoel8

Awesome decision! Don't worry if anyone talks negatively about your decision- you are living your life now in a way that makes God smile and He is all that matters! The girls on this board will never judge you, so feel free to talk to us about anything you need. 

I am so sorry your FI's house burned down! I don't know how your sleeping situation is, but if you want to stick to your decision, I would suggest sleeping in different bedrooms (maybe you already do). 

GL and I will pray for you guys! 

RNShellyF

Saving yourself is SO worth it! FI and I were not saved for the first 3 years of a 6 year relationship. So for the past three years we have been fighting our flesh and saving ourselves. God has just blessed us and our relationship so much. It is the best thing that happened to us. It has been the hardest thing we have ever done and we are basically couting the minutes to the wedding, but again, it has just been soooooo worth it. God is great and pray for His strength and you can make it

jkh1182

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[QUOTE]Awesome decision! Don't worry if anyone talks negatively about your decision- you are living your life now in a way that makes God smile and He is all that matters! The girls on this board will never judge you, so feel free to talk to us about anything you need.  I am so sorry your FI's house burned down! I don't know how your sleeping situation is, but if you want to stick to your decision, I would suggest sleeping in different bedrooms (maybe you already do).  GL and I will pray for you guys! 
Posted by AshNoel8[/QUOTE]

That option won't work either, because we are crammed into my one bedroom apartment, but I am not worried right now.  And, I know he will keep me to my word.  I know there are times when it will be dificult, but I am confident we can do it.

jkh1182

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[QUOTE]Saving yourself is SO worth it! FI and I were not saved for the first 3 years of a 6 year relationship. So for the past three years we have been fighting our flesh and saving ourselves. God has just blessed us and our relationship so much. It is the best thing that happened to us. It has been the hardest thing we have ever done and we are basically couting the minutes to the wedding, but again, it has just been soooooo worth it. God is great and pray for His strength and you can make it :)
Posted by RNShellyF[/QUOTE]

That's awesome.  I'm glad you found God as well.  You're an inspiration.

perkins81

Abstinence is definitely worth it! My BF and I have also made that committment. I'm living with him and his mom on a temporary basis until I can get a job and my own place. Thankfully, we have different bedrooms and his mom is ALWAYS home! It is still hard, but we both made the committment before meeting each other and we re-committ often when temptation is lurking. Stay strong to your committment, even if others give you a hard time! My sister and her husband call themselves Christians, but lived together for a few years before getting married, did not keep their relationship pure, and she gives me a hard time for waiting. I just keep reminding myself that inwardly, she knows my choice is better but she doesn't want to admit she was wrong, so she tries to bring me down. Don't give in! We will all stay strong together and when each one of us gets married, we can make love to our spouse as God intended! It will be so awesome!

BrideToBeBecauseHeLovesMe

[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Saving Ourselves : Just a note, from my personal life- Baptism was more of a "first step" for me in my walk after I was saved.  I really wasn't as inclined to follow Christ and seek wisdom from scripture and church leaders until I made that public declaration saying to my church, "Know you know I'm saved.  Hold me to it."
Posted by fpaemp2011[/QUOTE]

I agree with you.  :)

In my personal situation, I've been baptised before and was committed to God, but then ended up running the other direction.  I feel as though I'm "starting over" with God, and that when I'm ready, I'll get baptised again to recommit, and to physically get all of my sins and transgressions washed away.  It's kind of like a "first step" again for me.  :)  It's hard to explain - but we're on the same track lol.

golden1215

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[QUOTE]Glad to hear!  <strong>You will never hear someone regretting "waiting for marriage,"</strong> and once couples do get married and have sex, they will always say that the wait was worth it.  You'll always find a supportive group of girls on here going through what you're going through. Btw, I just have to say, I love that dress in your siggy!
Posted by GJones27[/QUOTE]

That's not actually true. I've had 2 friends wait to have sex til marriage, then end up divorced and seriously regretting their decision to wait.  One husband realized, after sex with a woman, that he was gay and the other couple had completely different styles of sexual interaction (e.g. the man wanted very rough, roll play type sex and my friend did not)

So, both of those couples could have saved a whole lot o' time/money/heart ache had they had sex and realized they werent compatible...

just my 2 cents

iamjoesgurl

I am personally glad that my husband saved himself for me and I saved myself for him.  I won't speak for other people, but it was definitely the right decision for us.  We didn't have to worry about STDs, we don't have any memories of being intimate with another person, and we gave each other a most precious gift. 

GJones27

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[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Saving Ourselves : That's not actually true. I've had 2 friends wait to have sex til marriage, then end up divorced and seriously regretting their decision to wait.  One husband realized, after sex with a woman, that he was gay and the other couple had completely different styles of sexual interaction (e.g. the man wanted very rough, roll play type sex and my friend did not) So, both of those couples could have saved a whole lot o' time/money/heart ache had they had sex and realized they werent compatible... just my 2 cents
Posted by golden1215[/QUOTE]

Hmm, well, that's the first that I have heard, but it's good to have it pointed out.  Perhaps I'm a bit naive, but I can't imagine getting divorced solely because of the sex issue.  I mean, I can see how it might contribute to horrible arguments, but I can't imagine different sexual styles leading to divorce, as a couple could try to work and find compromise.  Any thoughts?

amongthelilies25

i am sooooo glad with my decision to wait to have sex with my FI. 

we are also "waiting again"..since we were sexually active before. but we recommitted to our purity and i am sooo glad that we are!

We know that God will bless us and our marriage!

loves2shop4shoes

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[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Saving Ourselves : Hmm, well, that's the first that I have heard, but it's good to have it pointed out.  Perhaps I'm a bit naive, but I can't imagine getting divorced solely because of the sex issue.  I mean, I can see how it might contribute to horrible arguments, but <strong>I can't imagine different sexual styles leading to divorce, as a couple could try to work and find compromise.  Any thoughts?</strong>
Posted by GJones27[/QUOTE]


Ok, well I didn't want to touch this thread, because next to you all, I look like the Whore of Babylon.  But I have heard of a lot of people who regretted waiting. 

Imagine finding out that your husband is built like a pencil, or enormous to the point that it hurts you no matter how many YEARS of practice.  Or imagine that your husband always wants oral sex, but refuses to give it.  Or he is repeatedly too rough with you.  Or you have totally different sex drives (ie.  you want it with VERY different frequencies).  These are just a FEW of the things I've heard of. 

And as far as compromises...certain things can't be compromised.  You can't compromise as to how your H is hung.  You can theoretically compromise as to how often he gives oral sex, but he may grow to resent you if you guilt him into doing something he doesn't want to do.  And as far as sex drives, you can't really compromise much with that.  When you want it, you want it...unless of course you want to force someone into it.  See what I mean?

Sex is a very personal thing and sometimes you're just not sexually compatible with another person.  If you're incompatible enough, it can absolutely end a marriage.

Lurk on The Nest on the Sex and Relationships board.  You'll see what I'm talking about.  They frequently have a poster who waited until marriage and regrets it.

SuMmErKuTiE

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[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Saving Ourselves : Ok, well I didn't want to touch this thread, because next to you all, I look like the Whore of Babylon.  But I have heard of a lot of people who regretted waiting.  Imagine finding out that your husband is built like a pencil, or enormous to the point that it hurts you no matter how many YEARS of practice.  Or imagine that your husband always wants oral sex, but refuses to give it.  Or he is repeatedly too rough with you.  Or you have totally different sex drives (ie.  you want it with VERY different frequencies).  These are just a FEW of the things I've heard of.  And as far as compromises...certain things can't be compromised.  You can't compromise as to how your H is hung.  You can theoretically compromise as to how often he gives oral sex, but he may grow to resent you if you guilt him into doing something he doesn't want to do.  And as far as sex drives, you can't really compromise much with that.  When you want it, you want it...unless of course you want to force someone into it.  See what I mean? Sex is a very personal thing and sometimes you're just not sexually compatible with another person.  If you're incompatible enough, it can absolutely end a marriage. <strong>Lurk on The Nest on the Sex and Relationships board.  You'll see what I'm talking about.  They frequently have a poster who waited until marriage and regrets it.
</strong>Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

Yes, I see those posts A LOT! There are A LOT of incompatibilities that arise if you've never been sexually active, so there are a ton of people out there who waited until marriage and then regret it. I have known of Christian couples that this has happened to and it's sad.

I'm definitely not saying it's a bad thing to wait, but what I'm saying is there are a lot of people out there who do regret waiting so you can't just assume everyone who waits is so glad that they did. Also, in most situations if someone regrets waiting, they're not going to tell their closest friends because it's embarassing, they go to a message board like on the Nest so they can be anonymous. Sexual incompatibility is one of the biggest causes for divorce other than money issues.

joyfulbride424

Sex is something that you both have to compromise on. We talk about this in pre-marital counseling. Men and women are designed certain ways and sometimes we have to make compromises - I truly believe that when both the male and female make compromises within a marriage, the Love & Respect model will ultimately allow for no resentment to reside in the marriage in the sexual department.  I think if your husband is being "rough" with you - or if he turns out to be gay - you have an entirely different problem that lives outside of sex itself.

I am in no way judging anyone who has had sex before marriage. I am curious how the people who wrote on this board feel about the Biblical instruction that tells us to run away from sexual sin and sex outside of marriage.

Hebrews 13:4 says, "Marriage should be honored by everyone, and husband and wife should keep their marriage pure. God will judge as guilty those who take part in sexual sins."

1 Corinthians 18-20 says, " Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. ¹⁹ Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; ²⁰ you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

Edit: I also wanted to include this verse but I couldn't remember the passage.

1 Corinthians 7:2: But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband.

joyfulbride424

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[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Saving Ourselves : Yes, I see those posts A LOT! There are A LOT of incompatibilities that arise if you've never been sexually active, so there are a ton of people out there who waited until marriage and then regret it. I have known of Christian couples that this has happened to and it's sad. I'm definitely not saying it's a bad thing to wait, but what I'm saying is there are a lot of people out there who do regret waiting so you can't just assume everyone who waits is so glad that they did. Also, in most situations if someone regrets waiting, they're not going to tell their closest friends because it's embarassing, they go to a message board like on the Nest so they can be anonymous. <strong>Sexual incompatibility is one of the biggest causes for divorce other than money issues.</strong>
Posted by SuMmErKuTiE[/QUOTE]

Is that a statistic or just something you've noticed from observation? I'm not attacking you - I'm just curious where you got that information. I was told by a psychology professor that financial stressors, miscommunication, and infidelity were at the top of the list - sexual incompatibility was not mentioned.

[Deleted User]

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[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Saving Ourselves : That's not actually true. I've had 2 friends wait to have sex til marriage, then end up divorced and seriously regretting their decision to wait.  One husband realized, after sex with a woman, that he was gay and the other couple had completely different styles of sexual interaction (e.g. the man wanted very rough, roll play type sex and my friend did not) <strong>So, both of those couples could have saved a whole lot o' time/money/heart ache had they had sex and realized they werent compatible... just my 2 cents</strong>
Posted by golden1215[/QUOTE]

did these people not TALK about sex before they got married?  FI and i are reading Christian-oriented sexual intimacy books together and discussing what is okay, what's not okay, etc.  he has had sex one time, and i haven't ever had sex.  however, we discuss it and we both know what the other person expects out of it.  we also have communicated any body issues we have (physical or self-esteem issues).  i think they could have saved all that time/money/heartache had they COMMUNICATED about their interests, dislikes, sex drive, boundaries, etc. before committing to marriage. 

jenn.daniel

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_saving-ourselves?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:b36bdcab-c5d2-4a4a-a1a6-dca9ef03ad9aPost:15281f23-bfea-4947-bd2d-312dd66008ce">Re: Saving Ourselves</a>:
[QUOTE]Sex is something that you both have to compromise on. We talk about this in pre-marital counseling. Men and women are designed certain ways and sometimes we have to make compromises - I truly believe that when both the male and female make compromises within a marriage, the Love & Respect model will ultimately allow for no resentment to reside in the marriage in the sexual department.  <strong>I think if your husband is being "rough" with you - or if he turns out to be gay - you have an entirely different problem that lives outside of sex itself.</strong> I am in no way judging anyone who has had sex before marriage. I am curious how the people who wrote on this board feel about the Biblical instruction that tells us to run away from sexual sin and sex outside of marriage. Hebrews 13:4 says, "Marriage should be honored by everyone, and husband and wife should keep their marriage pure. God will judge as guilty those who take part in sexual sins." 1 Corinthians 18-20 says, " Flee from sexual immorality. All other sins a person commits are outside the body, but whoever sins sexually, sins against their own body. 19 Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; 20 you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies. Edit: I also wanted to include this verse but I couldn't remember the passage. 1 Corinthians 7:2: But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband.
Posted by joyfulbride424[/QUOTE]

I think this is a very important point.  I was initially shocked when a college friend  told me her mother regretted waiting until marriage.  Her mom thinks that if she'd experienced sex with her partner earlier she would have learned how rough he was.  It sounded like he was generally controlling, but even moreso in bed.

SuMmErKuTiE

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_saving-ourselves?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:b36bdcab-c5d2-4a4a-a1a6-dca9ef03ad9aPost:52995d0e-7705-4d32-9f46-974fca13152b">Re: Saving Ourselves</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Saving Ourselves : Is that a statistic or just something you've noticed from observation? I'm not attacking you - I'm just curious where you got that information. I was told by a psychology professor that financial stressors, miscommunication, and infidelity were at the top of the list - sexual incompatibility was not mentioned.
Posted by joyfulbride424[/QUOTE]

It is a statistic.. when sex is a problem in a marriage it can lead to divorce very easliy. Whether it be incompatibility, lack of sex, bad sex, infidelity, etc... usually infidelity stems from one of the above.

joyfulbride424

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_saving-ourselves?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:b36bdcab-c5d2-4a4a-a1a6-dca9ef03ad9aPost:6b5e45d0-5fa6-4292-b73d-487d9401c0ff">Re: Saving Ourselves</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Saving Ourselves : It is a statistic.. when sex is a problem in a marriage it can lead to divorce very easliy. Whether it be incompatibility, lack of sex, bad sex, infidelity, etc... usually infidelity stems from one of the above.
Posted by SuMmErKuTiE[/QUOTE]

I gathered that - I wanted to know if you had a source

SuMmErKuTiE

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_saving-ourselves?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:b36bdcab-c5d2-4a4a-a1a6-dca9ef03ad9aPost:4867d85c-a5ec-43c2-9927-18c704cdd8c7">Re: Saving Ourselves</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Saving Ourselves : I gathered that - I wanted to know if you had a source
Posted by joyfulbride424[/QUOTE]

<a href="http://women.ygoy.com/top-ten-reasons-for-divorce/">http://women.ygoy.com/top-ten-reasons-for-divorce/</a> 

<a href="http://www.divorceguide.com/free-divorce-advice/marriage-and-separation-advice/the-top-10-reasons-for-divorce.html">http://www.divorceguide.com/free-divorce-advice/marriage-and-separation-advice/the-top-10-reasons-for-divorce.html</a> 

<a href="http://www.psychpage.com/family/mod_couples_thx/divorce.html">http://www.psychpage.com/family/mod_couples_thx/divorce.html</a> 

<a href="http://www.buzzle.com/articles/common-causes-and-reasons-for-divorce.html">http://www.buzzle.com/articles/common-causes-and-reasons-for-divorce.html</a>