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Christian Weddings

Not sure who else to ask ...

Just a warning this is about Sex .... with that said .... FI and I are waiting for each other....But we did not wait in the past. [I have a kid obviously] His experiance is less then mine which is fine but I think he is super freaked out about it and says he isnt sure he will be comfortable even after we are married. We already said wedding night is off the table. Which is fine we willl be tired and all that I totally get it .... But he said he cant gurantee it on the honeymoon ... [Side note it's nice to know my purchases at Victoria Secret are now going to waste away]

He waited about 3 months to kiss me... Once he did it was hot n heavy for awhile... latly i feel that with the stress of finding new jobs and a house it's just turned to pecks on the lips and that is it ... I tried asking him why he hasnt made out with me latly and he says " He isnt in the mood" ... He says his "drive" for that type of thing is super low and he is more then content without it . This kinda hurts my feelings that he is basically saying later on it will be take it or leave it and that type of physical intimacy does nothing for him ... I kinda dont understand how he can know what a Godly based marriage is but yet say he isnt going to be interested in it and never has been , when clearly we will have the green light for such.

I know this type of talk will come up in counseling which starts in a few weeks but he alreayd said he is going to give yes and no answers when the pastor starts talking about it ..

I really feel like he gets the wrong impression about sex because of what non-christians do with it ... If that makes any sense... Between that he and what he claims is a low drive and lack of interest..

I'm studying to be a nurse soon and I looked up some stuff about stress and that type of situation but he says it's always been like this...

He says he wants kids....So i'm a lil confused on how he thinks we will get there if it isnt something he wants to do .

I know people who wait say it can be rough to start out with and I think it freaks him out that he wont do things right and it will be a mess and not what it's sapose to be.. I've tried telling him this is normal and you have ur whole life to make it work out right ...

Anybody have any ideas from a christian perspective or a book i can hand him ? Everything he's heard about sex is from the non biblical standpoint ... Size matters... and it's all  up to the guy to be "good".... I dont know how to tell him that's NOT how it's sapose to work with a Godly marriage....

Love is All You Need

Re: Not sure who else to ask ...

  • This is a difficult issue to address whilst you're not married - things like 'size matters' and such are going be much easier to reassure him on once you've actually done the deed - Maybe he feels he won't be good enough? It sounds like he's trying to avoid the discussion entirely but it's obviously something he's embarrassed about - try sitting him down and talking to him about it, without nagging - be direct about it. Has he suffered a blow to his self esteem in any way? Men react strangely (and it always seems to affect intimacy) to stress and all kinds of things, whilst women seem to get MORE emotional, guys tend to withdraw (unfortunately)

    I think the best thing to do, is sit him down and be straight, he says he's happy to go without it, so tell him how that makes you feel - maybe there's something underlying, if not - then you need to get straight with him and understand why, all of a sudden he's just not into that kinda thing.

    I think it's harder for women than men when the other half becomes distant, and it can be extremtly upsetting for both parties. Just sit him down, calmly and just have a chat, see what he says and go from there.
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  • I've done that already... I told him how it makes me feel and he says he dosnt mean to make me feel that way ... Except he is making me feel worse everytime he says it ... He says he is attracted to me and enjoys my company but it's not something he needs.

    He's done this before and then a few weeks later he was fine but this is the longest he's been in this type of mood about it ...

    I keep thinking there has to be something that did this too him I kinda feel like it was the rejection he got all those years ... He was engaged before and said it was the same thing then too except she wouldnt let it go ... So i just cant push the issue but it's obviously something important ...

    He was seeing someone about some other somewhat related issues [ His last FI really did a number on his self esteem but it wasnt just about that type of thing ] But I went with him a few times to try to talk about this and it turned into Pre-Engagment counseling and I did NOT care for what the guy was saying [ he was a Christian mind you but I did NOT agree with 90% of what the guy said ] . And eventually I had to stop going and then a few months later he stoped going to him because the guy just kinda didnt know what to do with him anymore and wasnt man enough to tell him he couldnt help and or needed a different approach and wasnt educated to treat that type of situation .


    Love is All You Need
  • I don't know what else to say other than to talk to him.... There must be a reason other than 'not needing' it - Maybe it will come up in counselling and maybe it will run it's course.... I'm so sorry sweetie. I wish there was more I could do.
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  • Are you guys doing premarital counseling?  This would be a great topic for that and would probably be more easily addressed with an unbiased, trained third party to help you both navigate the conversation.  I will say that stress takes its toll on both of our libidos and there have been times where we go months without anything more than a peck.  It has NOTHING to do with the attractiveness of our partner and everything to do with how we're feeling personally.
  • My drive is higher then his...

    yes we have counseling coming up in June but he said he dosnt want to talk about it with our pastor ...
    Love is All You Need
  • I think you really need to get serious with him, it's not cool that he seems to be so cool about it - it's clearly upsetting you and that's is totally okay. Sit him down, whether he likes it or not and be straight with him. Obviously you don't want to push it, but it sounds like there's an underlying issue here... and besides, a marriage does mean making sacrifices for one another - so, yes you could just back off.... but he should also know that, kissing you makes you feel loved, and that should be enough motivation.
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  • I agree completly... But he dosnt..... I tried even jokinly saying if he just kissed me for real I'd be over it and I wouldnt be upset... And he wouldnt do it ...
    Love is All You Need
  • Could it be medical? Maybe he is lacking some hormones?

    Or maybe he could change his mind once he sees you in your VS purchases. I would calmly explain to him that you have needs too.
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  • That is so sad, sweetie I don't know how else I can help... I'll just pray that there's some release of anything that might be holding him back... it's such a shame, especially as most women long for affection. xo
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  • We talked about sex at church on Sunday.

    http://newalbanychurch.com/index.asp

    It had some great insight. The sermon is on the left hand side where it says Current Sermon. Just click Listen Online and you and FI can hear it.

    It definitely had some insight.
    FI needs to be completely open about his sex life and views of sex.
    He is probably stressed out and you seem stressed out. In any case, both of you should have an open discussion about sex and your expectations.

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  • [QUOTE]We talked about sex at church on Sunday. <a href="http://newalbanychurch.com/index.asp" rel="nofollow">http://newalbanychurch.com/index.asp</a> It had some great insight. The sermon is on the left hand side where it says Current Sermon. Just click Listen Online and you and FI can hear it. It definitely had some insight. FI needs to be completely open about his sex life and views of sex. He is probably stressed out and you seem stressed out. In any case, both of you should have an open discussion about sex and your expectations.
    Posted by peachykeen26[/QUOTE]

    what she said.
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  • If it were me, I would sit him down and tell him this is a huge deal to you. That he needs to be more than content with your company, he's going to be your husband! Tell him how it makes you feel when he's unwilling to deal with it head on. The not talking about it would be a deal breaker for me. He needs to be able to tell you things like that. Once you're married there's going to be a whole lot more awkward things that you need to be open about. He definately needs to talk about it in premarital counseling. We spent hours talking about sex and expectations in counseling. Perhaps communicate your concerns with the pastor ahead of time so that he knows to press your FI past the yes/no answers? 

    We read Sheet Music. It's from a Christian perspective and does a good job of dispelling the sex=bad idea that many are raised with. Maybe study Song of Soloman together too. VERY erotic, ordained by God actions! I would try sending him sexy notes too. Just a "can't wait to be your wife and all the "fun" that comes with it..." 

    I hope that helps! Sex is SO important to a healthy marriage! Hopefully he'll open up soon! 
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_not-sure-who-else-to-ask?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:c1fd5bde-7f9c-4c5d-b685-182b078bfd9fPost:5c82840a-7c14-46b3-bd53-4ad7cf564ba1">Re: Not sure who else to ask ...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Could it be medical? Maybe he is lacking some hormones?
    Posted by SugarFoote[/QUOTE]
    This was my first thought.  I have had horomone imbalance issues before and swung from not wanting DH to touch me with a 10-foot pole to wanting to call in sick to work so we could stay in bed together all day, lol.  I would have him maybe see an MD about it, especially if counseling isn't doing the trick.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_not-sure-who-else-to-ask?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:c1fd5bde-7f9c-4c5d-b685-182b078bfd9fPost:3dd0ed18-1a1a-4658-ade0-eb27de4889f5">Re: Not sure who else to ask ...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not sure who else to ask ... : This was my first thought.  I have had horomone imbalance issues before and swung from not wanting DH to touch me with a 10-foot pole to wanting to call in sick to work so we could stay in bed together all day, lol.  I would have him maybe see an MD about it, especially if counseling isn't doing the trick.
    Posted by sessionswedding[/QUOTE]

    Or in the other direction, is he taking any long-term medication?  A lot of medicine can decrease libido.
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  • Does he have abuse in his past? That could be a factor too...
    PostCeremony-131.1
  • It sounds like I am in a very similar position to your FI, in that the connection from 'I love my man and I love being with him' to 'I want to have sex with him' seems to be broken or damaged in some way. From this PoV I can tell you that one thing my FI has done right is that he is working with me to overcome it and try to figure out what's wrong. I have had the times where I didn't want to discuss it at all, but if you don't come at him like you're attacking him or asking what his problem is, it may ease the conversations a little bit. It hasn't been a quick fix in my case, but feeling like FI is on my side and wants to help me for me (rather than just because he wants sex) has been a great help in me feeling safe to tell him everything.
  • I am sorry you are going through this. I have to echo the medical concerns. Could he be experiencing depression? It often causes low libido. Are there other signs of depression?
  • I deffinatly think it could be medical... He is not depressed all the time but he is highly stressed with job and not fullfilled at his job [which i read on webmd.com ] which can play a part in it ...

    I will pick up that Sheet Music book and another one I saw advertised in the Christian book flyer ...

    I'm sure the pastor will bring up sex ...So i'm hoping something will bring it out then as well ..

    I asked him to talk to a Christian married man that he knows but he is massivly uncomfortable even talking to strangers about it ..

    He dosnt mind talking to me about it but all he says is how he has no intrest in it and never really has ... he just keeps saying he dosnt know why but he dosnt want it and dosnt need it .

    So i am trying to back off but yet bring it up at the same time ...

    I stayed over last night and i wore just a plain cotton nightgown [cause it's hot ] .. he texted me and said i looked good in it ... So he is attracted to me ... This i know ... He tells me these things constantly... But yet he wont do anything further .. I texted back and told him just because I look good in something dosnt mean I have to keep it on lol ... I was meaning for later ... So yeah he said it made him laugh [ in a good way ] ...

    That's my update.....We have premarital stuff in 2 weeks ...

    Thank you all for the suggestions it's not an easy thing to ask but it's obviously needs to be asked to Christian women rather then others ...

    Love is All You Need
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