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sort of an awkward topic...

I have a question about masturbating in marriage...I've always believed it was wrong becalyuse I think it's depriving your spouse of figuring out what pleases you most (and discovering that is fun for us!).  Buuut, lately I've had some questions...I have yet to orgasm during sex and took to the internet to figure out how to get one.  another board on The Nest suggested I should masturbate first to give myself an orgasm so I can tell my H how to do it.  I personally struggle with this alot becuase I don't WANT to touch myself.  But now I'm wondering if I'm dooming my sex life with my husband.

what are your thoughts?

Re: sort of an awkward topic...

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_sort-of-an-awkward-topic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:c5b61bdd-097d-443a-bcfe-cd7e05cd0209Post:100b1750-8119-41cb-9e1a-ecee8c78e236">sort of an awkward topic...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I have a question about masturbating in marriage...I've always believed it was wrong becalyuse I think it's depriving your spouse of figuring out what pleases you most (and discovering that is fun for us!).  Buuut, lately I've had some questions...I have yet to orgasm during sex and took to the internet to figure out how to get one.  another board on The Nest suggested I should masturbate first to give myself an orgasm so I can tell my H how to do it.  I personally struggle with this alot becuase I don't WANT to touch myself.  But now I'm wondering if I'm dooming my sex life with my husband. what are your thoughts?
    Posted by christinavy[/QUOTE]

    <div>I don't see anything wrong with "learning your body" and figuring out what pleases you. Does DH know you haven't had an orgasm yet? </div>
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  • It can take some time to get to that point and about 70% of women can't have an orgasm just from sex. Make sure your DH knows you haven't had one yet but you'd like to work on it. He can't work on something if he doesn't know there's an issue. Learning how to first achaieve orgasm through foreplay could help and also making sure you have enough time.

    My SO and I don't have a sexual relationship but we are in premarital counseling and I've realized I will need to hear from him that no matter how long it takes is ok. Feeling like I need to hurry up or being stressed will not get you there. The more relaxed and confident you are with him the easier it is.

    I think masturbation can be ok to know your body but I wouldn't use a vibrator. It does things your husband can't and that won't help you learn to have one with him. :)
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  • I don't think there's anything wrong with it, provided it's not done to the point that it's replacing sex with one's spouse.  I think you were given good advice, because I would think that masturbating would help you figure out what you like to ultimately better enjoy sex with your husband.  Because you're uncomfortable with the idea, try a time when you're already naked, ie the bathtub.

    That said, while orgasm certainly is nice, sex is defintely one of those experiences where a big part of it is "how you get there" not necessarily "the end."  No one is going to orgasm every time, but you can enjoy trying to get there anyway. :) oh, and some positions may be fun and feel good, but may not quite bring you to orgasm, so mix things up. 
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  • Just to add an alternate opinion (just one to consider, but obviously this is a personal decision and you have to do what you feel right about).

    I don't believe in masturbating period, in marriage or not, (neither does FI--although it's still been something he's struggled with), because to me sex is supposed to be all about the self-giving love between spouses.  Masturbating makes it all about the individual, about self-pleasure, which gives to no one else.  It's like love--love requires two people.  It images God's love for us.  Sex is truly a reflection of the intimate love between God and his Church.  There is no parallel for masturbation theologically.  The Church can't just please and love itself.  God can't just please and love himself... God is love... a love that projects out on to us, not to Himself.

    *with that being said*.... that doesn't mean YOUR pleasure isn't important in marriage.  It is.  Just because sex is self-giving doesn't mean one spouse should get all the pleasure, you know?  The orgasm is the absolute completion of the love between the spouses.  No, you don't need it every time.  But it is important to strive for.

    I really recommend talking to your H about this and experimenting with him.  Obviously he loves you and wants to please you, so let him have more opportunities to be sexually giving, and let him explore manual/oral etc. ways to help you achieve more pleasure.  It may even be necessary to do some reading or even talk to a sexual counselor.  The more practice you guys have, you'll figure out what pleases you.  Masturbation, I think, doesn't even give a really accurate picture of what gives you pleasure anyway since it's your husband that will be touching you during sex, not yourself. 

    Anyway, this isn't meant to be a judgment like "OMG you're such a sinner for masturbating!".  I just don't see it as fitting into God's meaning for sex.  Everything we do with our bodies on earth has a heavenly relevance... I just don't buy into the typicaly Cosmopolitan view that sex is just meaningless pleasure.

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  • edited January 2013
    Sorry if this gets lengthy . . .

    For me, I actually started masturbating before we got married. I had never had sex and was nearing 30 and engaged and had no idea what my body was like "down there" so I experimented. My opinion is that what goes on in your mind (which only you and the Lord know about), is where the damage could occur if you're not careful. If my thoughts "accidentally" drift toward someone other than my husband, then I've already become unfaithful (before getting married, I actually learned how to NOT think of anybody at all, but rather just focused on me - not easy, but it can be done). If I focus on my husband and mentally think about what it's like when we actually make love, then I'm not damaging the marriage. There is absolutely no porn involved either because we believe this is violating our marriage since "other" people are invovled, even if just on screen.

    I have talked with him about it and he knows I do this from time to time and he's ok with it. I've actually been able to show him how to get me to orgasm, so it's helped us out because now he knows more about my body. Also, I remind myself that masturbation is really just a "fill in" for the real thing and that the real thing is always better! That way I don't get "hooked" on it and want it more than my husband. 

    Another reason that he and I are ok with this is because he's having issues with ED and a very low sex drive. We're still newlyweds and we're doing good if we go once a week! I usually have to initiate things and he is taking meds to help, which means we have to plan things out - so sponteneity is out the window. It's very hard on me, but we talk about it all the time. I don't keep secrets with him about my feelings. My sex drive is much much higher than his and so I sometimes just need to "get the urge out of my system" when he's totally not into it. (We're basically opposite from the stereotypical gender sex drive).

    One more thing . . . We recently have tried something new that we both really liked. If he has "issues" that prevent us from having sex, then we use manual stimulation (but actually "tag-team" it) to help me reach orgasm because he gets tired easily. So basically, the masturbation thing has helped us to figure things out and be better together! I recommend it only if both parties are ok with it and you COMMUNICATE about it and use it to help you come together, rather than let it push you apart.


    (Note: I've offered many times to mannually stimulate him, but he declines every time. Like I said, he's having physical probems that we're trying to deal with that lower his sex drive to the point that he doesn't even care that much about sex or orgasm. It's a struggle, but we're working together on it!)
  • ravenrayravenray member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited January 2013

     Why don't you do it together?  Either have your H do it for you or have him watch while you do it.   As long as you are being open with your H (and he is ok with it) I don't see a problem. 

    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

  • As far as I'm concerned, the Bible says nothing against it directly. I don't see anything wrong with it, unless like some PP's have said that it's used to replace sex within marriage. If you don't know what makes you feel good, how is your DH supposed to? :-)

    Just relax and give it a go, if you try it and hate it then at least you tried... Good luck!
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  • Also- some women never have an orgasm during sex because they need clitoral stimulation. Many just can't- and so you do have to get it other ways, either through oral sex or toys/hands. So you definitely should experiment with yourself, so you are comfortable with yourself and can teach your husband what you want. It can be totally awkward and hard sometimes, but hey- ladies need to get theirs too! As long as it doesn't interfere with your time together I think it's fine to figure yourself out!
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  • rajahmdrajahmd Galifrey member
    1000 Comments 500 Love Its Third Anniversary First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_sort-of-an-awkward-topic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:c5b61bdd-097d-443a-bcfe-cd7e05cd0209Post:6ffe064c-2c29-4875-aabf-c68f03b4461f">Re: sort of an awkward topic...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Also- some women never have an orgasm during sex because they need clitoral stimulation. Many just can't- and so you do have to get it other ways, either through oral sex or toys/hands. So you definitely should experiment with yourself, so you are comfortable with yourself and can teach your husband what you want. It can be totally awkward and hard sometimes, but hey- ladies need to get theirs too! As long as it doesn't interfere with your time together I think it's fine to figure yourself out!
    Posted by orangehills[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>I agree with this completely. The more you know yourself, the better. You can even make it part of your "sexy time" as a couple (by it, I mean what ever makes you orgasm, because like PP said not all women can orgasm from sexual intercourse alone). Add it to your repertoire.  After all, variety is the spice of life. </div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_christian-weddings_sort-of-an-awkward-topic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:464687ae-7bc1-4360-9aea-999e11f1e1adDiscussion:c5b61bdd-097d-443a-bcfe-cd7e05cd0209Post:4511314a-eff0-4b82-8f58-302a48b766bc">Re: sort of an awkward topic...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Just to add an alternate opinion (just one to consider, but obviously this is a personal decision and you have to do what you feel right about). I don't believe in masturbating period, in marriage or not, (neither does FI--although it's still been something he's struggled with), because to me sex is supposed to be all about the self-giving love between spouses.  Masturbating makes it all about the individual, about self-pleasure, which gives to no one else.  It's like love--love requires two people.  It images God's love for us.  Sex is truly a reflection of the intimate love between God and his Church.  There is no parallel for masturbation theologically.  The Church can't just please and love itself.  God can't just please and love himself... God is love... a love that projects out on to us, not to Himself. *with that being said*.... that doesn't mean YOUR pleasure isn't important in marriage.  It is.  Just because sex is self-giving doesn't mean one spouse should get all the pleasure, you know?  The orgasm is the absolute completion of the love between the spouses.  No, you don't need it every time.  But it is important to strive for. I really recommend talking to your H about this and experimenting with him.  Obviously he loves you and wants to please you, so let him have more opportunities to be sexually giving, and let him explore manual/oral etc. ways to help you achieve more pleasure.  It may even be necessary to do some reading or even talk to a sexual counselor.  The more practice you guys have, you'll figure out what pleases you.  Masturbation, I think, doesn't even give a really accurate picture of what gives you pleasure anyway since it's your husband that will be touching you during sex, not yourself.  Anyway, this isn't meant to be a judgment like "OMG you're such a sinner for masturbating!".  I just don't see it as fitting into God's meaning for sex.  Everything we do with our bodies on earth has a heavenly relevance... I just don't buy into the typicaly Cosmopolitan view that sex is just meaningless pleasure.
    Posted by monkeysip[/QUOTE]

    I agree with monkeysip. Let's be honest, there are a lot of people who do not have their spouses in mind when they are masturbating so that right there can be an issue. Kudos to you if masturbation does not become or is not a problem in your marriage. However, being married to someone who struggles with this as well as other things, it does interfere with sexual intimacy.
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