Wedding Woes

Lack of Support

So, I feel as if the people I count on the most for support are sort of abandoning me.
I'm young - 17. My fiance is 20, and in the Navy. We're both very religious, and avid churchgoers. I am practically family with the pastors, an I'm constantly doing things with them and their kids.
However, it seems as if not only they are abandoning me, but as if they look down on the idea of us getting married. As if we are too immature to fully grasp the concept.
They know what we've been through, in our lives. Yes, we're young. And we will make mistakes. But I believe we are atleast mature enough to warrant them not berating us on our choices in life.
Recently, another young couple was married. Both in their early twenties. However, the church announced it months prior, and everything was joyfully celebrated.
Its only four months to the wedding now, and they havent announcd our engagement, as if they hope we'll brake it off. Whenever someone learns about this, they comment on how young I am, and how big of a descision it is.
I'm not very happy about all of this, and its the only thing stressing me right now. I dont know what to do about it, other than grin and bear it.
It is, however, very frustrating, since every aspect of our wedding is in the church.
The ceremony is in the church, the bridal shower, the reception, everything. I feel as if we're being met with opposition at every turn.
I just needed to rant, and thank you all for actually reading this.

«1

Re: Lack of Support

  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    i'll pray for you.  you'll need it.
    image
  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    why do you NEED to get married at 17? Why not wait a few years and go to college/see the world/work/etc?
  • TheDuckisTheDuckis member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    You're not ready to get married, and your age is only part of the reason I'm saying this.
  • hmonkeyhmonkey member
    Ninth Anniversary 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    you can't even vote.  or buy cigarettes.  or rent a car.
    image
  • edited December 2011
    Well, it is a big decision. It's a big decision whether you're 20, 30, or 40. 20 is still young to get married, but at least a 20 y.o. is out of high school.

    Why the rush? Why not go to college, start a career. Why not wait til your FI's navy service is up?

    What happened in your lives that was so troubling? Maybe your church family doesn't want to see either of you go from one difficult situation into another?
    MIL is thrilled you're joining the family. Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • TheDuckisTheDuckis member
    Seventh Anniversary 5000 Comments 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    She can't even buy cigarettes or porn legally, Zilla.

    Rainbow, when I was 17 I thought I was going to marry the guy I was dating. I couldn't imagine my life with anyone else. He has a soul patch now. Yes, you read that right. I could have ended up with a husband that has a soul patch. I'm so glad I dodged that bullet.
  • edited December 2011
    Also, I know at least two couples who married young whether it was because of pregnancy or luuuuuvvv. Both ended up divorced because a spouse started acting a fool when he/she realized they missed out on being a kid.
    MIL is thrilled you're joining the family. Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • 6fsn6fsn member
    Knottie Warrior 10000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    17 and early 20's are completely different.  I'd really take what the church pastors are saying to heart.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_lack-of-support?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:0a0a93f7-013f-4831-ba19-f360be39c05bPost:c918d16a-1e24-41b3-ab4a-4992c3818eb5">Re: Lack of Support</a>:
    [QUOTE]She can't even buy cigarettes or porn legally, Zilla. Rainbow, when I was 17 I thought I was going to marry the guy I was dating. I couldn't imagine my life with anyone else. <strong>He has a soul patch now. Yes, you read that right. I could have ended up with a husband that has a soul patch. I'm so glad I dodged that bullet.</strong>
    Posted by TheDuckis[/QUOTE]

    Ded.  That would be awful Duckis.  I am glad you managed to avoid that fate. 
  • *Barbie**Barbie* member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    andplusalso, why in the world does your SN sound like you're tripping on some serious drugs? doesn't the church frown on that?
  • edited December 2011
    The guy I loved at 18 looks like this:




    He also LOVED POKEMON. As in had the video games, played them and watched the cartoon. Yea...
    "I would be sad if sex was only about the climax, lame." Someone who is obviously doing it wrong
    Photobucket
  • edited December 2011

    What zilla said, and I mean this with the best intentions. Personally, I changed so much in my 20s. I got an education, traveled, had boyfriends - lived a pretty enviable 20s. You deserve to be young. You don't need to leave this guy - no one is saying that, but why do you need to get married now? Just keep on dating him, go to school, have tons of friends, go to the bar and dance. Marriage can wait.

    image
  • edited December 2011
    OMG Duckis, I'm glad for you too.

    The soul patch, flavor savor, whatever you want to call it needs to be BANNED!
    MIL is thrilled you're joining the family. Image and video hosting by TinyPic
  • awesome-sauceawesome-sauce member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    <p>In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_lack-of-support?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:0a0a93f7-013f-4831-ba19-f360be39c05bPost:f1890af7-1396-4cf4-9c14-50324dfebd12">Lack of Support</a>:
    [QUOTE]So, I feel as if the people I count on the most for support are sort of abandoning me. I'm young - 17. My fiance is 20, and in the Navy. We're both very religious, and avid churchgoers. I am practically family with the pastors, an I'm constantly doing things with them and their kids. However, it seems as if not only they are abandoning me, but as if they look down on the idea of us getting married. As if we are too immature to fully grasp the concept. They know what we've been through, in our lives. Yes, we're young. And we will make mistakes. But I believe we are atleast mature enough to warrant them not berating us on our choices in life. Recently, another young couple was married. Both in their early twenties. However, the church announced it months prior, and everything was joyfully celebrated. Its only four months to the wedding now, and they havent announcd our engagement, as if they hope we'll brake it off. Whenever someone learns about this, they comment on how young I am, and how big of a descision it is. I'm not very happy about all of this, and its the only thing stressing me right now. I dont know what to do about it, other than grin and bear it. It is, however, very frustrating, since every aspect of our wedding is in the church. The ceremony is in the church, the bridal shower, the reception, everything. I feel as if we're being met with opposition at every turn. I just needed to rant, and thank you all for actually reading this.
    Posted by RainbowDelirium[/QUOTE]
    </p><p>So you trust the church (people/pastor's family) to walk with/guide you on your spiritual journey, but not about making a (hopefully) life long decision to be married?

    Do you not trust your pastor? Listen to him. It's not a personal stab at you. He wants you to make the best decision and has just given his opinion on your engagement. Which he can (and should) do if he's marrying the two of you.</p>
    .
  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    If everyone who knows you thinks this is dumb, and everyone who doesn't know you (all of us) agrees, then it's dumb.
    image
  • edited December 2011
    Its probably hard to read all of everyone's posts because its non-supportive... but everyone has a point.  I thought I was going to marry my college sweetheart at 22.  In retrospect, I am SO glad I didnt.  There was so much I hadn't experienced yet (first job, first apartment, paying bills, getting on my own health insurance plan, buying my first car, etc. etc)... being "grown up" is not all that fun, and at 17 you can't have any idea what lies ahead of you when it comes to that kind of stuff, and what it means to be responsible for yourself AND someone else, as a married unit.  Heck, i'm still trying to grasp it at 26 as I prepare for marriage. 

    If its truly meant to be... you can be together for a while, and not worry about getting married.  Experience life.
  • edited December 2011

    I'm not going to say you're too young to get married because I have no idea what your future holds. I can tell you,however, that I am absolutely convinced that you have no idea how much more living you will miss out on, even in the next 5 years. Going to school, meeting new people, acting like a kid... you need all of that to really figure out who you are. I'm 23 and I'm a completely different person than I was 6 years ago, you'd be surprised.

    And umm... I had to google what a soul patch was... Eeek! Sometimes my FI likes to grow some hair just on his chin, idk why, it's so awkward. Probably because that's the only place he can haha.. Luckily I think he's finally grown out of it! Woop Woop!

  • edited December 2011
    I totally respect your decision to get married, but let me give you a window into why you might want to consider waiting.
    First, I'm 22.  I get flack for being too young just like you do.  I have friends that got married as young as you and they are divorced because they got married for ANY reason outside of actually being in love, wanting to commit, wanting to work and compromise, wanting to learn and wanting to live life instead of being cloistered off at home.  People shut up when I tell them I'm getting married once, it's for the rest of my life and I'm still looking to enrich my life and learn, but instead of doing it alone, I have a partner.
    Second, and be honest with yourself, are you getting married because he's in the Navy?  I know four girls that are in that situation and while they're all still married, it seems to me that they're bogged down in raising kids and dealing with the incredible amount of stress that comes with being an armed forces wife.  Hats off and no offense to them, but I still want to go out and play pool, go to the movies etc.
    Third, and maybe most importantly, I think they're being critical because they're remembering themselves at 17 and thinking "I'm not that person anymore".  Myself at 17 and myself today are two completely different people.  Your frontal lobe isn't even fully developed until your 20's - and perhaps ironically, that's the decision-making and reasoning part of your brain.  You have a lot of growing to do no matter how mature, smart or capable you are just by virtue of being young.  Go to college.  Travel.  Take a bite out of life.  It's a lot easier to do things right away than to have to turn around and say, "damn, I wish I would've done that".  I'm not saying you can't do these things with or without a husband, just that you might find in refining yourself that he's not the perfect match anymore because you aren't that same girl he originally fell in love with.  There's nothing wrong with that.  But give yourself that chance to grow.

    Good luck.  Really think this through and consider if this is what you want.  If nothing else, just be together for a while longer before bringing vows into it.
  • edited December 2011
    The people who love and know you best are telling you this is a bad idea. It's a bad idea.

    What have you 'been through' at 17? Mrs. Benefield's LitIV class is tought, but come on.
    "I would be sad if sex was only about the climax, lame." Someone who is obviously doing it wrong
    Photobucket
  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    "Your frontal lobe isn't even fully developed until your 20's - and perhaps ironically, that's the decision-making and reasoning part of your brain."

    Until your MID-twenties, like 25ish.  Yours actually isn't developed either at 22.
    image
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_lack-of-support?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:0a0a93f7-013f-4831-ba19-f360be39c05bPost:0d444b36-998a-4cae-99a5-8b507176fb9e">Re: Lack of Support</a>:
    [QUOTE]"Your frontal lobe isn't even fully developed until your 20's - and perhaps ironically, that's the decision-making and reasoning part of your brain." Until your MID-twenties, like 25ish.  Yours actually isn't developed either at 22.
    Posted by ReturnOfKuus[/QUOTE]

    I was told 21 in class, but this was a "so you're bad at science" biology class.
    Oh well.  You still won't see me in divorce court.
  • ReturnOfKuusReturnOfKuus member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Eh.  No one gets married thinking that they'll divorce, just like no one dates a guy at 17 and doesn't think 'OMG it's love he's THE ONE!!1!"
    image
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_lack-of-support?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:0a0a93f7-013f-4831-ba19-f360be39c05bPost:ea78fcd0-6730-47a1-a7de-c005962a1680">Re: Lack of Support</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Lack of Support : I was told 21 in class, but this was a "so you're bad at science" biology class. Oh well.  <strong>You still won't see me in divorce court.
    </strong>Posted by drileybubeck[/QUOTE]

    Ok.
    "I would be sad if sex was only about the climax, lame." Someone who is obviously doing it wrong
    Photobucket
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_lack-of-support?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:0a0a93f7-013f-4831-ba19-f360be39c05bPost:3c0cd494-2a93-4582-a582-ee7a404a6811">Re: Lack of Support</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Lack of Support : Ok.
    Posted by HookaPants[/QUOTE]

    Thanks for the input.
  • edited December 2011
    You're so very welcome.<<SEE SARCASM.
    "I would be sad if sex was only about the climax, lame." Someone who is obviously doing it wrong
    Photobucket
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_lack-of-support?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:0a0a93f7-013f-4831-ba19-f360be39c05bPost:55da30f5-18ca-4f03-81e3-65db6e33b260">Re: Lack of Support</a>:
    [QUOTE]You're so very welcome.<<SEE SARCASM.
    Posted by HookaPants[/QUOTE]

    Thanks, oh wise one of the intarwebs.
  • edited December 2011
    even at 22 it's still a pretty bad idea to get hitched, certainly not at 17. you're crazy to want to be married at 17 honestly. you have your whole life ahead of you, do something with it!

    kuss is right, 25ish is when the brain is finally about fully developed. and yes your lovely frontal lobe is the last thing to develop. it doesn't really get going until around 4 and takes a while to catch up. just looking at the numbers and studies on relationships and whatnot it's really never advisable to get married or make such a major life decision before about 25. rates of divorce are much higher when marriage takes place before 25.

    but of course you already know driley that you're the exception so no worries for you.
  • baconsmombaconsmom member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_lack-of-support?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:0a0a93f7-013f-4831-ba19-f360be39c05bPost:f1890af7-1396-4cf4-9c14-50324dfebd12">Lack of Support</a>:
    [QUOTE]So, I feel as if the people I count on the most for support are sort of abandoning me. I'm young - 17. My fiance is 20, and in the Navy. We're both very religious, and avid churchgoers. I am practically family with the pastors, an I'm constantly doing things with them and their kids. However, it seems as if not only they are abandoning me, but as if they look down on the idea of us getting married. As if we are too immature to fully grasp the concept. They know what we've been through, in our lives. Yes, we're young. And we will make mistakes. But I believe we are atleast mature enough to warrant them not berating us on our choices in life. Recently, another young couple was married. Both in their early twenties. However, the church announced it months prior, and everything was joyfully celebrated. Its only four months to the wedding now, and they havent announcd our engagement, as if they hope we'll brake it off. Whenever someone learns about this, they comment on how young I am, and how big of a descision it is. I'm not very happy about all of this, and its the only thing stressing me right now. I dont know what to do about it, other than grin and bear it. It is, however, very frustrating, since every aspect of our wedding is in the church. The ceremony is in the church, the bridal shower, the reception, everything. I feel as if we're being met with opposition at every turn. I just needed to rant, and thank you all for actually reading this.
    Posted by RainbowDelirium[/QUOTE]

    <div>You are not an adult. You cannot make this decision. Please do not get married. Please - for your sake, for his, for society's - don't do this. </div>
    image
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_lack-of-support?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:0a0a93f7-013f-4831-ba19-f360be39c05bPost:43ede955-569e-4ead-9b0a-6e5fb01c9c13">Re: Lack of Support</a>:
    [QUOTE]even at 22 it's still a pretty bad idea to get hitched, certainly not at 17. you're crazy to want to be married at 17 honestly. you have your whole life ahead of you, do something with it! kuss is right, 25ish is when the brain is finally about fully developed. and yes your lovely frontal lobe is the last thing to develop. it doesn't really get going until around 4 and takes a while to catch up. just looking at the numbers and studies on relationships and whatnot it's really never advisable to get married or make such a major life decision before about 25. rates of divorce are much higher when marriage takes place before 25. but of course you already know driley that you're the exception so no worries for you.
    Posted by psichick[/QUOTE]

    I never said I was a shining example of why young couples can make it, all I'm saying is that I'm willing to work at it and do what it takes to make it last.  I'm here to learn how to do that both from women that are already married and from women that are almost there.  I didn't mean to come off as a know-it-all 'cause I certainly don't and have never claimed to.  I did and am working on the things people have advised someone in my position to do (go to school, getting the hell out of the country for the first time etc) and I have been through a lot emotionally and mentally.  I don't want to end up like some of my peers, divorced already.  I am hell bent on ensuring that I will not be like those peers.  I know I'm young and I have no problem admitting that.  I have a lot of life ahead of me and I want to learn, grow and discover with my best friend.  I don't feel like that's a bad idea destined for failure.
  • edited December 2011
    I do appreciate all of your comments. And I know I wont answer many questions here, but I hope I can.
    First of all, I respect your opinions, but dont appreciate the fact that many of you are seeming to disrespect me, simply for the fact that i am so young.
    Secondly, my screen name has nothing to do with it - it is very private and has everything to do with promises and characters out of a book that i admire.
    Thirdly, i dont plan on drinking, or smoking, o gambling or partying - my family has ben torn apart by tose sorts of things, so i want nothing to do with it. My closest friends wont have anything to do with either, so i have no problem with that.
    And this may also give some of you insight -  i'm going to college for biblical studies right now, and when we will be married, i'll be 18.
    Heres something else very personal, but i've always had to make mature descision, as a result of those around me, and the circumstances in my life. I've already been out of the country, and I've probably had many experiences that many of you will never have. And some I wish upon no human, such as dealing with suicide and sexual abuse and the like.

    I believe i have always been mature with my descion about who i spend my time with, and this is no difference. I dont need to get married - i want to. I love him, and i am commited to this relationship. We both are very compatible. Oh, and by the way, please dont try to tell me what love is, and what it isnt.

    I've had to support myself and my family since i was very young. My mother has degenerative joint disease and morbid obesity, with severe diabetes and depression. My father has PTSD from being in several wars, and anger issues. My two younger brothers have autism - one has severe autism, while one has aspbergers. My mother hasnt been able to stand or see since i was 10, and at that pioint i took over as the motherly role. I cook, i clean, i do laundry, on a daily basis. It is my life. Do not presume to look down on me, for you have no idea what i've gone through. Don't presume to tell me i'm immature, or that i cannot deal with the situation at hand.

    Again, thank you for your opinions. I disagree, but i respect you.
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