Lack of Support

RainbowDelirium

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_lack-of-support?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:0a0a93f7-013f-4831-ba19-f360be39c05bPost:a0e657cb-1a7b-440c-95cc-e591c1e8815d">Re: Lack of Support</a>:
[QUOTE]i'll pray for you.  you'll need it.
Posted by hmonkey[/QUOTE]

Thank you. I know it's all in God's hands, and if He doesn't want us to be wed, then we won't. And It's as simple as that.

RainbowDelirium

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_lack-of-support?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:0a0a93f7-013f-4831-ba19-f360be39c05bPost:76efc380-de93-4261-a67c-3b409f12b580">Re: Lack of Support</a>:
[QUOTE]You're not ready to get married, and your age is only part of the reason I'm saying this.
Posted by TheDuckis[/QUOTE]

And I don't suppose you could enlighten me as to what your other reasons may be?

TheDuckis

I'm happy to.
From your first post:
1. You can't spell break.
2. You're bitter that not everyone is excited about your special day, and upset that it hasn't been announced at church.
3. You're concerned enough about what other people think that you're complaining about it on an internet message board. But you're not concerned enough to seriously consider that they might be on to something.
4. People who you are very close with, and who have seen first-hand how much you've been through, think this is a mistake.

From your second post:
1. You doth protest too much.
2. You equate drinking, smoking, partying, etc. with maturing, and think that since you're not currently interested in any of the above you're already mature.
3. You have a family history of substance abuse and mental health issues.
4. You gave up your childhood at age 10.
5. You've been through things that anyone would need years of counseling to get over.

Slow down and take some time for you. Do you still live with your parents? Do you have a job? What are your hopes and dreams (besides getting married and having babies)? It seems to me that you're looking at marriage as a way to escape your current situation. All you're doing is trading one hard life for another.

TheDuckis

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_lack-of-support?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:0a0a93f7-013f-4831-ba19-f360be39c05bPost:feea4fd5-e929-4e59-a6fe-245bdb06bdfb">Re: Lack of Support</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Lack of Support : I am appalled by your grammer.
Posted by RainbowDelirium[/QUOTE]

It's grammar.

RainbowDelirium

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_lack-of-support?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:0a0a93f7-013f-4831-ba19-f360be39c05bPost:24f9283d-bb59-4662-83ac-72d7ecb65f57">Re: Lack of Support</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Lack of Support : It's grammar.
Posted by TheDuckis[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry my English isn't up to your standard.

RainbowDelirium

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_lack-of-support?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:0a0a93f7-013f-4831-ba19-f360be39c05bPost:506b6e43-731d-4c6e-b224-344d05c2b125">Re: Lack of Support</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm happy to. From your first post: 1. You can't spell break. 2. You're bitter that not everyone is excited about your special day, and upset that it hasn't been announced at church. 3. You're concerned enough about what other people think that you're complaining about it on an internet message board. But you're not concerned enough to seriously consider that they might be on to something. 4. People who you are very close with, and who have seen first-hand how much you've been through, think this is a mistake. From your second post: 1. You doth protest too much. 2. You equate drinking, smoking, partying, etc. with maturing, and think that since you're not currently interested in any of the above you're already mature. 3. You have a family history of substance abuse and mental health issues. 4. You gave up your childhood at age 10. 5. You've been through things that anyone would need years of counseling to get over. Slow down and take some time for you. Do you still live with your parents? Do you have a job? What are your hopes and dreams (besides getting married and having babies)? It seems to me that you're looking at marriage as a way to escape your current situation. All you're doing is trading one hard life for another.
Posted by TheDuckis[/QUOTE]

I hope that you are some sort of counselor, or wish to become one. While what you're saying may be valid, it is impertinent.
And by the way, I hopw that God enlightens your heart so that you may see that only He judges each one of us. Do not presume to know what I think.

TheDuckis

I just figure if you're going to be so appalled by someone else's grammar, you should probably hold your own to a higher standard. Or you can just DD. That's definitely a point for you on the maturity scale.

TheDuckis

I don't know what you think. I based all that off of what you said. You don't need to be a counselor to have basic common sense.

Let me ask you this. If you're so sure that this relationship is right, why can't you wait 5 or even 3 years before you get married? You love each other, you'll still be together, so what's the rush?

Butter Cookie

Let me ask some other questions.

Do you plan on going to college?
If so what do you plan on studying?

I may have missed it, what does your fiance do?
Is he in college?
Does he plan to go to college?

How will you support yourselves?

Will you leave your family behind when you get married to start your new life as a wife, or will you continue to financially, emotionally, and physically support your family?

Have you ever sought counseling, from clergy or a person with a doctorate in psychology/psychiatry?

How do you feel about children?

How does your fiance feel about children?

Will you buy or rent?

What does he think is your role as a wife? What does he think is his role as a husband?
What do you think your role means as a wife? What do you think his role means as a husband?

Have you asked your pastor/priest/Elder why he doesn't feel this is a good idea?

If so have you prayed about it, honestly, with your heart open?

Do you feel your life will be lessened in any way if you don't get married for 5 more years?

Green*Flamingo

Perhaps His way of showing you that it isn't right is though your family and pastors not supporting you right now. If you trust in Him, and you trust your family and your pastors, you should listen to them. The answer is in front of you but you are being too stubborn to see it- due to you being a teenager. Getting married "because you want to" doesn't mean that it is the right thing to do. Listen to what everyone around you is trying to say.

baconsmom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_lack-of-support?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:0a0a93f7-013f-4831-ba19-f360be39c05bPost:52b573e9-15b1-45ea-b2a0-c36674b363a4">Re: Lack of Support</a>:
[QUOTE]I do appreciate all of your comments. And I know I wont answer many questions here, but I hope I can. First of all, I respect your opinions, but dont appreciate the fact that many of you are seeming to disrespect me, simply for the fact that i am so young. Secondly, my screen name has nothing to do with it - it is very private and has everything to do with promises and characters out of a book that i admire. Thirdly, i dont plan on drinking, or smoking, o gambling or partying - my family has ben torn apart by tose sorts of things, so i want nothing to do with it. My closest friends wont have anything to do with either, so i have no problem with that. And this may also give some of you insight -  i'm going to college for biblical studies right now, and when we will be married, i'll be 18. Heres something else very personal, but i've always had to make mature descision, as a result of those around me, and the circumstances in my life. I've already been out of the country, and I've probably had many experiences that many of you will never have. And some I wish upon no human, such as dealing with suicide and sexual abuse and the like. I believe i have always been mature with my descion about who i spend my time with, and this is no difference. I dont need to get married - i want to. I love him, and i am commited to this relationship. We both are very compatible. Oh, and by the way, please dont try to tell me what love is, and what it isnt. I've had to support myself and my family since i was very young. My mother has degenerative joint disease and morbid obesity, with severe diabetes and depression. My father has PTSD from being in several wars, and anger issues. My two younger brothers have autism - one has severe autism, while one has aspbergers. My mother hasnt been able to stand or see since i was 10, and at that pioint i took over as the motherly role. I cook, i clean, i do laundry, on a daily basis. It is my life. Do not presume to look down on me, for you have no idea what i've gone through. Don't presume to tell me i'm immature, or that i cannot deal with the situation at hand. Again, thank you for your opinions. I disagree, but i respect you.
Posted by RainbowDelirium[/QUOTE]

<div>Oh, forfuck's sake. My husband was sexually abused; I tried to commit suicide; we WAITED TILL WE GREW THE FCK UP TO GET MARRIED. That kind of sht is a reason to WAIT, not a reason to rush into the thing you think will fix you, when it won't. </div><div>
</div><div>Being fat doesn't prevent you from working. Guess what? I'm deathfat, too - oh, excuse me, "morbidly" obese - and I managed to work most of my life. Could still, if I didn't have a child to raise. </div><div>
</div><div>And "wont" is not the same as "won't". They're two different words. "Dont" isn't a word at all, so I have no idea why you're using it. </div><div>
</div><div>Jesus be some goddamned common sense. </div>

lharri12

Sweetie, the vast majority of responses you have gotten were not from people who were judging or degrading you.  They are genuinely concerned, just like your pastor and your fellow church members.  I was in love with my boyfriend when I was 17, too.  I was mature for my age, too, and I thought I'd never do this and never do that, but boy have I grown a lot since then.  Like others said previously, despite the hell that you have gone through in your life, you TRULY have not grown up yet, and you really don't know what you're getting into.  I understand that you want to escape your current life and start a new one, but we are only trying to prevent you from making what could be a huge mistake.  Every 17 year old girl thinks that they will marry their boyfriend, and when they look back on it just a few years later, they are SO HAPPY that they didn't.  God isn't going to decide whether you will get married - YOU will.  Please just pause and think about what EVERYONE around you is telling you, strangers and family alike, although I have a feeling you're going to do what you want to do anyway.  Sometimes we just have to make our own mistakes, I guess.

lharri12

Let me correct myself.  I know that some people do end up marrying their high school sweethearts and live happily ever after, but that's the exception, not the rule.  Maybe 5 or 10 years from now, you will still be with your man, but really, what is the rush??  You haven't answered that very important question.  If you are waiting for marriage before you have sex, that is not a good reason to marry.  If he truly loves you, he should be willing to wait for you, and it will be that much sweeter.

tina.stamour

I will say you are too young to get married. I don't know what advice your church and family are giving you, but if that many people so close to you are giving you the same front, then it's likely with valid reasons. I do not support the church but I can tell you at your age I was with someone and we had plans to get married. Thankfully we waited until we were out of college so we can not be planning a wedding and writing exams. We still lived together and acted as if we were married, had joint accounts etc... It turned out that as we both grew into our adult lives, we realized although who we were as young adults was completely different than who we were after 4.5 years. We certainly didn't 'grow apart' we just grew into ourself. Not saying it'll happen to you, but you do NOT need to be married. You and your man can very well have a happily ever after but there is ABSOLUTELY no reason to rush. Wouldn't you rather do this right, and with all the love and support from everyone? It seems that is one of your main concerns and so you have every reason to wait, and not a single one to get married other than love. You don't need marriage to have love.

tina.stamour

Also, if you ARE as mature as you say you are, you'd know the right thing to do is wait. It goes without saying, but I tend to have too many opinions anyways.

A lot of us have been through things, some that you've mentioned and many more. Maturity isn't based on the things we've been through but how we handle them. So be mature and handle this one in a respectful manner to yourself, your boyfriend and family.

ElaineH10

I am another young bride-to-be (22 years old). Yet, I completely agree with what everyone else is telling you. I'm sure someone else has mentioned this, but you will change once you get out into the world away from your family. Looking back at who I was at 17 vs. who I am even now is a big change. I moved in with the guy I thought I loved right after high school and found out that we didn't live well together(he turned into a total jerk-to put it nicely). I was 18 and he was 20, we both had a lot of learning to do. It was actually through that experience that I met my fiance (though that's a story for another day). I'm not telling you that things won't work out between the two of you, but just take life one step at a time. Graduate high school and do any college that you plan on doing. Planning a wedding is time consuming and frustrating and can distract you from the choices that you should be working on making at this point in your life (school, jobs, places to live) You need to take a step back from what you think you know and try to see things from another point of view. I know that you will do whatever you want to do no matter how many people tell you otherwise. Like others have said, most of us are just trying to help you from making a possible mistake. Another thing you may want to consider is how active duty may change your fiance's view on life. Anyway, good luck with whatever you decide.

ElaineH10

I do have a question... have you and your fiance had a real fight or argument yet?