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Wedding Woes
arringga
member
Stepchildren problem.
in Wedding Woes
Here's the deal:
My fianc has a 10 year old daughter. I didn't want to include her in the wedding bc she is an aggressive child that some how always becomes the center of attention. This hopefully will be my first and only wedding and I'm not going to apologize for being selfish and wanting this day to be completely about me and my future husband. I had discussed it with him and told him that I didn't want her in the wedding bc I don't like junior bridesmaids and she is too old to be a flower girl. Instead I was going to have her be the guest book attendant so she will feel included without stealing my spotlight. My FI was fine with that. He said this day is about me and I can do anything I want. I even asked him if his daughter was upset or if it stepped on some toes would he change his opinion, he still insisted that its my day and I can do whatever I want and not to worry about other people bc it's not about them. Anyway when we told his daughter about being the guest book attendant I could tell she was less than thrilled. I felt a little bad but I was relieved to have my FIs support. However a couple days later her mother contacts me saying that his daughter was upset bc she wasn't "in her own daddy's wedding" I was guilted into making her a jr bridesmaid even tho that's not what I wanted. I told my FI about this and he said I shouldn't have let her guilt me. But I'm a bit of a push over and can't say no. Anyway, it blew up in my face a couple of days after that because since I felt guilty, I invited her to go dress shopping with me and my bridesmaids. My FI got upset bc I didn't text him and let him know I had her when he dropped her off. I was busy trying on dresses and didn't have my phone on me and didn't get the messages till after my appointment was over. The point is this is exactly why I didn't want her to be in my wedding bc I feel like I have to babysit her when I need to be concentrating on my planning. Also since now she's in my wedding, my cousins who are under the age of 11 want to be in it and I've told them yes. And now I have 8 bridesmaids which is way too much for a wedding of just 100 guests. I wish I just have had the guts to say no to her when she laid on the guilt. I originally had only four of my close friends has my bridesmaids and I want to be able to enjoy my day without having to babysit her or watch what I say bc there is a child in the room. What should I do?
My fianc has a 10 year old daughter. I didn't want to include her in the wedding bc she is an aggressive child that some how always becomes the center of attention. This hopefully will be my first and only wedding and I'm not going to apologize for being selfish and wanting this day to be completely about me and my future husband. I had discussed it with him and told him that I didn't want her in the wedding bc I don't like junior bridesmaids and she is too old to be a flower girl. Instead I was going to have her be the guest book attendant so she will feel included without stealing my spotlight. My FI was fine with that. He said this day is about me and I can do anything I want. I even asked him if his daughter was upset or if it stepped on some toes would he change his opinion, he still insisted that its my day and I can do whatever I want and not to worry about other people bc it's not about them. Anyway when we told his daughter about being the guest book attendant I could tell she was less than thrilled. I felt a little bad but I was relieved to have my FIs support. However a couple days later her mother contacts me saying that his daughter was upset bc she wasn't "in her own daddy's wedding" I was guilted into making her a jr bridesmaid even tho that's not what I wanted. I told my FI about this and he said I shouldn't have let her guilt me. But I'm a bit of a push over and can't say no. Anyway, it blew up in my face a couple of days after that because since I felt guilty, I invited her to go dress shopping with me and my bridesmaids. My FI got upset bc I didn't text him and let him know I had her when he dropped her off. I was busy trying on dresses and didn't have my phone on me and didn't get the messages till after my appointment was over. The point is this is exactly why I didn't want her to be in my wedding bc I feel like I have to babysit her when I need to be concentrating on my planning. Also since now she's in my wedding, my cousins who are under the age of 11 want to be in it and I've told them yes. And now I have 8 bridesmaids which is way too much for a wedding of just 100 guests. I wish I just have had the guts to say no to her when she laid on the guilt. I originally had only four of my close friends has my bridesmaids and I want to be able to enjoy my day without having to babysit her or watch what I say bc there is a child in the room. What should I do?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Stepchildren problem.
That said, you need a backbone. Just because your DAUGHTER will be in the wedding does not mean your COUSINS need to be.
Ditto 6 100%
[QUOTE]Here's the deal: My fianc has a 10 year old daughter. I didn't want to include her in the wedding bc she is an aggressive child that some how always becomes the center of attention. This hopefully will be my first and only wedding and I'm not going to apologize for being selfish and wanting this day to be completely about me and my future husband. I had discussed it with him and told him that I didn't want her in the wedding bc I don't like junior bridesmaids and she is too old to be a flower girl. Instead I was going to have her be the guest book attendant so she will feel included without stealing my spotlight. My FI was fine with that. He said this day is about me and I can do anything I want. I even asked him if his daughter was upset or if it stepped on some toes would he change his opinion, he still insisted that its my day and I can do whatever I want and not to worry about other people bc it's not about them. Anyway when we told his daughter about being the guest book attendant I could tell she was less than thrilled. I felt a little bad but I was relieved to have my FIs support. However a couple days later her mother contacts me saying that his daughter was upset bc she wasn't "in her own daddy's wedding" I was guilted into making her a jr bridesmaid even tho that's not what I wanted. I told my FI about this and he said I shouldn't have let her guilt me. But I'm a bit of a push over and can't say no. Anyway, it blew up in my face a couple of days after that because since I felt guilty, I invited her to go dress shopping with me and my bridesmaids. My FI got upset bc I didn't text him and let him know I had her when he dropped her off. I was busy trying on dresses and didn't have my phone on me and didn't get the messages till after my appointment was over. The point is this is exactly why I didn't want her to be in my wedding bc I feel like I have to babysit her when I need to be concentrating on my planning. Also since now she's in my wedding, my cousins who are under the age of 11 want to be in it and I've told them yes. And now I have 8 bridesmaids which is way too much for a wedding of just 100 guests. I wish I just have had the guts to say no to her when she laid on the guilt. I originally had only four of my close friends has my bridesmaids and I want to be able to enjoy my day without having to babysit her or watch what I say bc there is a child in the room.<strong> What should I do?</strong>
Posted by arringga[/QUOTE]
Um, not marry your FI if you're going to be such a monster to his child because when you marry someone with children it's a package deal?
You sound awful. I'm sorry, you do. Read what you wrote.
You got mad at a 10 yo because your FI got mad at you for not answering your phone while she was in your care. Maybe you didn't get mad AT her, but you were definitely resentful of her presence.
You really need to reconsider this marriage. You do not sound ready to be a mother. Oh, she somehow gets all the attention? SHE'S TEN YEARS OLD. That's why it happens.
I'd take a break from planning, push that wedding back, and have some conversations with your FI about getting into some parenting classes. You need some understanding of children and how their minds work. Learn about their behaviors and why you can't expect adult/mature reactions from them.
I really hope you do something to make this situation better for everyone. You clearly aren't ready for it right now.
Having her in the wedding should be a given, having your cousins, NO. I don't even see how you could think they are remotely the same thing. I guess your just using it as another excuse to blame something on the SD, if she wasn't in it they wouldn't have to be. Read what you wrote carefully, you have a real pattern of blaming everything on her....
[QUOTE]The more I try to type a response, <strong>the sadder I am for your STB stepdaughter</strong>. I have a feeling that this one time "selfish" event is going to become far more of a regular pattern. If you can't cede that kind of attention to anyone else, it's best to rethink this entire relationship
Posted by dharmabunny[/QUOTE]
Same here dharma. I can't stop thinking about this. It's totally fine and acceptable if the OP isn't ready to be a mother, but she needs to admit it now and wait until she's ready. Jumping into this now would be unfair to the step-daughter, her fiance and herself.
[QUOTE]... This hopefully will be my first and only wedding and I'm not going to apologize for being selfish and wanting this day to be completely about me and my future husband....I can do whatever I want and not to worry about other people bc it's not about them<div>[/QUOTE]</div><div>
</div><div>Well, you should aplogize for it. Because someone w/ a child doesn't have the luxury of being selfish. He has a child and, assuming you marry him, so do you.</div><div>
</div><div>If it's JUST about the 2 of you, you wouldn't have a wedding, you'd just elope. So....yeah, no.</div><div>
</div><div>And even w/o guests...it's about you and he and her forming a family. It's about her too. There's room in the spotlight.</div><div>
</div><div>And, FWIW, parents and step parents don't "babysit". My husband isn't "babysitting" his kid today. You aren't "babysitting" your STB step-daughter. You are taking care of a kid you have a responsibility for.</div><div>And, YES, telling everyone who has the reason to know where the kid in question is is important and you should feel bad for not doing so.</div><div>
</div><div>And...you say you have no spine and can't say 'no' to anyone? Good luck w/ that while step-parenting a tween.</div><div>Maybe practice saying YES to your STB step-daughter and "no" to everyone else for a few days.</div><div>
</div>
[QUOTE]I'm sorry everyone is hating on you. We don't know the whole story but they do have a point. This little girl is going to be in your life and it would be nice for you and her and your relationship together to involve her. You are marrying this little girls daddy and if you really think about it she has more of a right to be in the wedding than your friends or his. When you have children you will see. And why is 10 too old to be a flower girl? I helped raise my little sister (I'm 15 years older) and she will be a few days shy of 10 at our wedding and she is the flower girl. I love her more than anything and can't think of a better or cuter person to do it. I'd rather have her do it than a random three year old. If you really don't want junior bridesmaids have n honest conversation with all the little girls and their parents and say you are sorry but they can't all be bridesmaids. And if I were you I would have your step-daughter be your flower girl. Flower girls get lots of attention and feel very special but don't need to stand up with you the whole time at the alter where they may get tired. Having a lot of little girls stand next to you may be distracting as they will fidget and talk but your guest won't really mind. Also a flower girl does not take away from your moment and neither will she unless you let the situation get into your head.
Posted by ashanty123[/QUOTE]
<div>I don't think anyone's "hating on" her. This woman is excluding her soon-to-be stepdaughter from participating in the wedding and worse, trash talking A TEN YEAR OLD GIRL on the internet.</div><div>
</div><div>I think 10 is too old to be a flower girl. She needs to put her big girl panties on and let the child be a junior bridesmaid. It's just not that big a damn deal. A ten year old will not "get tired" standing at the altar. A ten year old will know to stand still and silent for a wedding. I'd get it, if she was like four... but she's not.</div><div>
</div><div>This child is going to be her stepdaughter. She is starting THAT relationship off on the entirely wrong foot.</div>
You need to realize that she only has ONE DADDY and the he should be loving her and supporting her. He should have told you she is in the wedding from the jump and really....you should NEVER have even considered NOT having her be part of this.
[QUOTE]I know it's the little girl inside of me that had to deal with a similar step-mother my whole life....but I want to start the FFF thread a day early and FFF you for this ALL DAY LONG.
Posted by BubbsNBubbs[/QUOTE]
<div>We can change it to TTT - Talk Trash Thursday :)</div>
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Stepchildren problem. : I don't think anyone's "hating on" her. This woman is excluding her soon-to-be stepdaughter from participating in the wedding and worse, trash talking A TEN YEAR OLD GIRL on the internet. I think 10 is too old to be a flower girl. She needs to put her big girl panties on and let the child be a junior bridesmaid. It's just not that big a damn deal. A ten year old will not "get tired" standing at the altar. A ten year old will know to stand still and silent for a wedding. I'd get it, if she was like four... but she's not. This child is going to be her stepdaughter. She is starting THAT relationship off on the entirely wrong foot.
Posted by CourtaniaLynn[/QUOTE]
I mentioned that I agree with everyone else's comments but I don't think we need to call her names, either. Also, I know the little girl is 10. You don't need to make it caps. I think this is a sad situation but she isn't going to listen to these comments the way they are written. Also, ten is not too old to be a flower girl just like it isn't too young to be a bridesmaid. Weddings are meant as a celebration of love for the family to be involved in. It doesn't matter who plays what role. There are no "rules" on who gets to play what part. Everyone gets to plan their own wedding. I was simply trying to find a different solution as that is what she asked for. And I hope she does and that both she and her step-daughter can be happy about. And hopefully that doesn't include the grooms daughter being a guest book attendant.
http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_monster-in-law-1
http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_help-how-do-i-make-my-fiances-daughter-a-part-of-the-ceremony
June 1, 2013 - finally making it official!
That says a lot.
I am scared how you would treat your own children.
201 Invited
This isn't the single reason, but a big reason my relationship with my dad has never been the same.
Luckily I was in my early 20s and didn't have to deal with her on a day to day basis. I feel horrible for this 10 year old
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