Wedding Woes
Options

Grooms parents just announced they won't come to wedding. Complete 180..what happened?

We have an interesting situation and it seems to be pretty uncommon because we can't find any advice online.  Hopefully you can give us some perspective!  My fiance and I have been living together for about 4 years, and recently we got "officially" engaged.  We let everyone know, and at that point, his parents seemed really excited.  In the past, we have had a great relationship and they were actually asking for quite a while when we would tie the knot. 

We had a meeting to set a date and secure the venue and my fiance asked his parents to come along.  They did not respond (kept giving answers likie, "oh we'll see"- never a yes or no.  Later, they didn't answer the phone so we could confirm yes or no).  My fiance was actually really hurt.  We haven't asked them for anything (ever, really) and he just wanted his parents support.  He wants them to be involved.  He expressed how he felt to his Dad today (we went last night) and told him that he was hurt that they didn't come.  (I think they went shopping instead).  Anyway, they finally said that they acctually don't like me (bride) and they are worried that thier son is making the wrong decision.  I should also mention that we are 25 and 30, both with very good jobs and structure in our lives. 

What could be causing this?  It seems like a complete 180.  We really don't mind if they disapprove, but it would have been nice to know ahead of time.  I have a feeling like there is something more going on but I don't know what it could be.  Jealousy?  Insecurity?  Any thoughts?

Thank you all for your help (and congrats on your upcomming celebrations!!)

Re: Grooms parents just announced they won't come to wedding. Complete 180..what happened?

  • Options
    Did you bring them to check out the venue because you want them to pay for it?  That's the message I got from the post.

    The only people that can tell you why they don't like you is them.  If his parents' opinion is important to your FI (which I gather from your post that it is) he needs to talk to them and maybe you need to have a sit down with them to explain past behaviour or incidents or whatever the cause of this dislike is. If they're being irrational then it's up to your FI to stand up for his own relationship.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Options
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_grooms-parents-just-announced-wont-come-wedding-complete-180what-happened?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:3f359e8e-86f7-47ca-bffd-e154954b19ecPost:04116a4a-b277-4e5d-944f-692b89718421">Grooms parents just announced they won't come to wedding. Complete 180..what happened?</a>:
    [QUOTE]We have an interesting situation and it seems to be pretty uncommon because we can't find any advice online.  Hopefully you can give us some perspective!  My fiance and I have been living together for about 4 years, and recently we got "officially" engaged.  We let everyone know, and at that point, his parents seemed really excited.  In the past, we have had a great relationship and they were actually asking for quite a while when we would tie the knot.  We had a meeting to set a date and secure the venue and my fiance asked his parents to come along.  They did not respond (kept giving answers likie, "oh we'll see"- never a yes or no.  Later, they didn't answer the phone so we could confirm yes or no).  My fiance was actually really hurt.  We haven't asked them for anything (ever, really) and he just wanted his parents support.  He wants them to be involved.  He expressed how he felt to his Dad today (we went last night) and told him that he was hurt that they didn't come.  (I think they went shopping instead).  Anyway, they finally said that they acctually don't like me (bride) and they are worried that thier son is making the wrong decision.  I should also mention that we are 25 and 30, both with very good jobs and structure in our lives.  What could be causing this?  It seems like a complete 180.  We really don't mind if they disapprove, but it would have been nice to know ahead of time.  <strong>I have a feeling like there is something more going on but I don't know what it could be.  Jealousy?  Insecurity?  Any thoughts? Thank you all for your help (and congrats on your upcomming celebrations!!)</strong>
    Posted by pandas0328[/QUOTE]

    <div>My first thought is that "jealousy" and "insecurity" are both wrong... it makes exactly zero sense that his parents would be jealous that he's getting married, or that this would somehow make them "insecure."  My guess is that for whatever reason, you don't fit their mental picture of who they saw their son marrying... you were fine when it wasn't "serious" (i.e. - you guys weren't engaged) but now you are and they've decided to voice their opinion.  Have you had bad blood with them in the past?  Done or not done anything that might be interpreted as rude?  Has their son's personality changed drastically since he met you?  Also, you mentioned you're 25 and 30, which one of you is which age?</div>
    imagemy to-read shelf:
    Steph's book recommendations, liked quotes, book clubs, book trivia, book lists (to-read shelf)
  • Options
    First off, I don't think you did anything to bring this on yourself.  This is an issue with your FI parents.  While they were perfectly fine with him being in a relationship with you, an engagement and subsequent wedding can often flip a switch in parents that they are losing their children. My mother is going through that (in addition to her other issues). My FI mother went through it for a LONG period when she realized he was serious about me and thought I might be "the one".  That period luckily happened before the engagement but I think it was because she felt she was losing her son to me. I think your FI should definitely have a talk with them... If for some reason they have some "ideal" of the person they thought their son should marry, they are going to have to get over that.  The only thing you can do is stand your ground, love your FI as you have been and show them that, despite their recent change of heart, you aren't going anywhere...

    Hang in there girl!!!
  • Options
    It's hard for any of us to say what's going on since we don't know all the little details.   You and your FI should do your best to get to the bottom of it, together  -  but if the end result is that you'll no longer have contact with FI's parents, you & FI need to make sure that you're both OK with what that means for the rest of your lives.  
    I had a kind of similar situation.   Once my MIL found out that DH had asked my brother to be in the wedding, but that I hadn't asked DH's sister (who he strongly dislikes for legit reasons) MIL went ballistic.   We weren't even sure if she was going to show up for the wedding until she showed up 5 minutes before the ceremony.    After the wedding, we tried to salvage the relationship, but things never worked out, because MIL would always find something to be insanely mad about.   That's just how MIL is, and DH finally decided that he didn't want or need that drama in his life.   
    Now, almost 6 years later, we have a kid and MIL is still not a part of our lives.   I know it's hard on DH that DD doesn't have a relationship with that grandma.   And I know we'll have to deal with these issues revolving around that relationship for the rest of MIL's life.

    What I'm saying is - - fix this relationship or don't - - but just be prepared that you & FI will need to live with the decision.   Absolutely don't ignore it and don't agree to going through with the wedding if FI continues a relationship with them that doesn't include you.   Hope that makes sense.
  • Options
    Thank you for the reply!  We are actually paying for the wedding ourselves.  (Though my parent's are helping out).  You bring up a good point though.  Maybe they thought they would feel embarassed not being able to contribute, knowing that my parents would be helping with some of the cost.  My FFIL is a very proud individual.  Maybe he feels insecure about meeting my parents becuase he feels like he will have to explain something.  I should also mention that his parents have never met mine. 
  • Options
    Hey thanks for the reply.  We have not had issues in the past, which is why this is confusing.  It is a good point that maybe they figured "this will pass" while we were dating, but now that it is an engagement, they are voicing their opinions.  I am 25, he is 30.  I would say that maybe they were concerned with the age, but his younger brothers both have significantly younger girlfriends (who have already bore them babies!).  I would think that we are the most responsible and stable of the bunch.   Please keep the thoughts comming!
  • Options
    Thank you soooo much!  It is just tough seeing him so hurt, becuase that is really the issue.  It is funny becuase he saw his mom today and she seems excited about the whole thing, but it is his dad that keeps picking the arguments with him.  Thank you tons for the support!
  • Options
    AuntFlo - Thanks!  This is helpful.  I know it is tought becuase no one knows the little ins and outs, but I was hoping to get some perspective and see if anyone had similar situations, and you knotties have been great.  We are working to get to the bottom of it.  My FI is insistant about only having people in our lives who will support us.  It doesn't help the hurt, but it helps to know that the opnly person who can change are his parents.  In the end, it will just be us, and our future family should we be blessed enough to have one someday. 
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards