My Mother.....!!!! (Long)

portsmouthfc12383

I have been getting the increasing feeling that my mother could not give 2 hoots about me, maybe it is that I am the middle child or maybe she doesn't love me like a mother should, I really don't know??? I would love her to come to my wedding next year in South Carolina (I live in Britain) but when i asked her to come, even offering to pay for the flights and accomodation she said no because her boyfriend wouldn't want to go and she would not go with out him???? Because he does not like my dad who lives in SC I don't know how he doesn't like my dad as he has never met him?? and my dad has been married for almost 10 years to my step mother so i really do not know what the problem is???????????????????? My mother was the one that had an affair behind my fathers back so if any one should have a problem it would be my Dad but he is willing to forgive the past and move on?!?!?!?!

Anyway in the end my mum decided to arrange a reception for us for when we get back home but when i try to talk weddings with her she just disregards it and changes the subject, when we discuss the reception in England she will not listen to any ideas and she won't take into consideration any thing i would like for example i don't like the traditional British fruit cake we have for wedding cakes over here but when i mentioned it she said that is what i will be having because she is arranging it!!! Point blank, no discussion, she has decided on colours and they are nothing like the colour scheme we are having, she has invited my brother even though he has not spoken to me for a year because i am getting married in SC, AM I BEING SELFISH??????

 I asked her to come wedding dress shopping with me she won't because her boyfriend has work but it is not her boyfriend i want to come it is her??? i keep telling her how important it is to have her there with me, I even offered to pay for any public transport costs and lunch but she still refuses to come!!!!

I know that this may sound petty to some but when i was younger it was always the same my sister and brother always got the best and i just got the left over dregs,I went to 16 schools because my dad was in the navy and my mum wanted to follow my dad round the country rather than have a weekend husband which I understand to some degree but why is it my Brother got sent to boarding school and when my sister started school my mum decided it was best for my sisters education to stay put??what about my education?? When i left school I had to get a job to pay rent but my brother or sister didn't?? I got told i was ugly but my sister and brother got told the were pretty and handsome?? I was the one who got treated like a little slave, I had to do the ironing, prepare lunch boxes, babysit, polish, hoover, washing, hanging washing to dry, feed pets, walk pets, clean pets etc, I have never asked for anything, I have always worked since i left school and provided for my self, my brother and sister are always asking for this and that and get it everytime!!

I am the only one who makes an effort with my mother, i see her more than my sister and i live an hour away and my sister lives under the same roof as my mother and my brother lives 5 mins away but he will see her about 3 times a year??? I only live an hour away and my mother has come to see me 3 times in 5 years yet i try to see her at least twice every month even if it means i go and visit her after i have finished work and get home late!!

I am only asking for a little attention and a small part of her time to help me prepare and celebrate for one of the most important event's of my life, am I asking to much???

I aksed if she would have anything i could borrow and she said no because she is saving that for my sister!!

Sorry to bore you with my pathetic rambling but i just don't know what I am supposed to have done wrong?? I know i'm not perfect but i do all i can to make sure my mum knows i love her and i just dont get any affection in return.

Is there any way i can make her understand how imortant it is for her to be involved in my wedding??

Should I just cut my losses and let my step mother help like she wants to??

Should I even make an effort with my mum or just leave her to her own devices???

*Barbie*

can you give us a summary with minimal punctuation? I couldn't get through that.

better yet - bullet points with your actual questions.

thanks.

MinM

She's not that into you.

NOLABridesmaid

 I am only asking for a little attention

It sounds like you've been asking for this for years, and you aren't going to get the amount or kind of attention you want from her.

You can't change your mom, but you can change how you react to how she behaves.

I also know there are many sides to a story, and would love to know what your mom says about this situation.

skippylouwho

I doubt she's going to change at this point in either of your lives. While it hurts, I believe the best thing you can do is drop the subject with her. Go do the things you need to do, dress shopping etc.  Go to South Carolina and have a beautiful wedding. Go back to Britain and attend the reception she is having for you. Enjoy the people that come and just tolerate the rest.  I hate fruit cake too - so dont' eat any. Enjoy the people that come to celebrate with you.

I'm NOT saying what I've suggested will be easy and that it won't hurt. It won't be easy and it will hurt but it seems time to give up on trying to make her be the mom you want. Deal with the mom you have by moving on with your life. One thing about all of that you've endured already in your life is that, should you have children, you know how NOT to treat them.  I think, while this doesn't take away the pain you feel, YOU will be the much better and more loving mother.

I am sorry that you've gone through this treatment your entire life but it's not likely to change so eliminate this source of pain and misery from your life. Stop or reduce the number of times you try to see her and talk to her.  Stop catering to her behavior.  She MIGHT come around and start contacting you but most likely she won't and if she doesn't then move on and let it go.

~~Busy.~~

Your Mom is selfish and doesn't care about you.  I'm sorry but the sooner you accept this the happier you will be.  It took me a long time to learn that and I am much happier now.

Pay attention to how people treat you not what they say.  Actions are what matter.  Would you accept this behavior from a friend?  No, you would dump that friend. 

Your feelings are important.  She has shown time and time again that your feels don't matter to her.  Go have a good cry and let her go.  You can be polite, afterall she is your mother, but don't expect her to change.  You can't make her change. 
The only thing that you can change is how you react to her behavior.

abbyraed

To Barbie - that seem rude.  Don't patronize her because you don't like her post.  She's obviously upset and that doesn't help.  

*Barbie*

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_mother-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:642600b4-e182-4b96-99d1-7408b3738cc3Post:c97fe9ab-5ab8-4f9a-bbe6-408beca2de02">Re: My Mother.....!!!! (Long)</a>:
[QUOTE]To Barbie - that seem rude.  Don't patronize her because you don't like her post.  She's obviously upset and that doesn't help.  
Posted by abbyraed[/QUOTE]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA......

mrsconn23

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_mother-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:642600b4-e182-4b96-99d1-7408b3738cc3Post:c97fe9ab-5ab8-4f9a-bbe6-408beca2de02">Re: My Mother.....!!!! (Long)</a>:
[QUOTE]To Barbie - that seem rude.  Don't patronize her because you don't like her post.  She's obviously upset and that doesn't help.  
Posted by abbyraed[/QUOTE]

SMH. 

Because posting an over-punctuated, rambling, rant is really helpful. 

portsmouthfc12383

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_mother-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:642600b4-e182-4b96-99d1-7408b3738cc3Post:c97fe9ab-5ab8-4f9a-bbe6-408beca2de02">Re: My Mother.....!!!! (Long)</a>:
[QUOTE]To Barbie - that seem rude.  Don't patronize her because you don't like her post.  She's obviously upset and that doesn't help.  
Posted by abbyraed[/QUOTE]

Thanks for getting my back, i have blocked them now :)

portsmouthfc12383

Sorry for the highly punctuated post, but that is what i do when i'm a bit upset, Thank you for all your input!!

~~Busy.~~

FYI, you'll miss out on a lot of funny posts if you block them.  This board can be quite helpful but we are also smarta.sses. 

portsmouthfc12383

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_mother-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:47Discussion:642600b4-e182-4b96-99d1-7408b3738cc3Post:770e459e-d578-4a17-a76d-c94890aaddbe">Re: My Mother.....!!!! (Long)</a>:
[QUOTE]FYI, you'll miss out on a lot of funny posts if you block them.  This board can be quite helpful but we are also smarta.sses. 
Posted by ~~Busy.~~[/QUOTE]

Thanks for the heads up :)

~~Busy.~~

I like to post gross pictures.  Just an FYI if you are squeamish.

*Barbie*

I'm not a 'them" - I am ONE PERSON, dammit.

it's sad that you are so sensitive that you can't handle someone asking you to edit your post so it is readable.

but you can't read this anyways, so EABOD and DIAF, purplemonkeydishwasher!

kmmssg

I don't know your mom's side, but you say this has been how she treats you for your whole life.  Weddings do not change this in any way.

My sister-in-law had a saying that really hit me between they eyes some years ago, "if you keep going to a dry well, you will always be thirsty." You are going to a dry well looking for water that has never been there.  It sounds like it never will be.

If she won't take your input for the reception, decline it!  Have a party later on for friends and family but don't make it a wedding party - just a get together.

She can only treat you the way you let her treat you.