Ready or Not?

Okay.  Here is my dilemma. I have been engaged since 04/09.  We have still not set a date.  We use to talk about the wedding occasionally.  Then he and my parents didn't get along, and now we have some of our own issues to work out.  Nothing that would stop a wedding. 
Basically, I've been kind of trying to plan on my own, without mentioning it to him.  He hasn't shown any interest in looking into anything about our wedding day, and so I have no idea what he wants. 
Am I completely wrong to plan what I think would be a good fit for us without him involved at all.  Nothing would be set in stone of course.  ...I don't even think he knows I spend any time at all on this.
 Do I need permission to start planning our wedding when we've already decided we want to spend the rest of our lives together?  Or should I just continue?  If so, how do I get him involved again? 

Re: Ready or Not?

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    edited December 2011
    Yeah, I think it's a bad idea for you to go ahead without him. Have you talked to him directly about it? Maybe it's time.

    For what its worth, I would be willing to jump out on a limb and say that most brides to be end up taking on the majority of the responsibility with planning. I know that's true for my situation. But FI and I discuss everything at some point, and he definitely had a say in choosing the date.

    I think you need to talk to him. If you are going to spend the rest of your life with him, it's okay to say, "We've been engaged for X amount of time. I'm ready to choose a date and start planning. How do you feel about that? Will you commit to choosing a date so that I (we) can start this process?"

    Good luck :o)
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    amandaswamandasw member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    completely agree with pp.  Honestly, if you can't talk about a wedding together, I think that's an indicator of things to come.  DH was actually very invovled in our wedding planning, which is probably less common, but I think the guy should be invovled to some extent.  I hate when people say "it's the bride's day", I completely disagree.  It's both people making a commitment to each other and celebrating it.  Talk to him about it.  If he isn't interested at all, I would take it more seriously than "he just doesn't care about flowers".  Good luck :)
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    jennuinnejennuinne member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I think that sounds a little crazy.  I understand that most brides do the majority of the planning and I definitely was looking and getting ideas and starting the planning process b/f we offically started planning the wedding, but it was no secret to FI.  You both need to agree that you are getting married and you both need to talk about and agree on a date, general feel/theme/formality, budget, guest list, etc.  You can certainly start researching, but you then you need to discuss your ideas w/ him.  Secretly planning a wedding w/o him, IMO, spells disaster.  You cannot trick him into a wedding by planning it.  If he cannot even discuss it w/ you, or you with him, you guys are not ready to get married. 

    Why don't you sit down and talk with him about how you're feeling and about whether you are both ready to start talking about a date, venue, budget and guest list.  If you agree on some basics, then you can start planning and involve him as much or as little as you are both comfortable with.  But he has to know what's going on and be in agreement.
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    jennlinjennlin member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    ditto pp's...you shouldn't need to plan it in "secret" or do what you think fits you best. if you haven't set a "date" that's okay...but a general timeline should be mutually agreed upon...then you can start visioning your wedding, with or without him...but you should definitely run ideas across him to see what he likes! you will be surprised at the little things guy care about during the planning p rocess.
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    edited December 2011
    Absolutely agree with PPs. It's very strange that this isn't even near his radar. Yeah, most guys aren't as involved as the planning but you shouldn't feel like you're sneaking planning. That's just a bad start to a marriage. And, for you to have been engaged for, 16 months?, and for there to be no discussion of a date or we're waiting for x...sounds fishy. I mean, it took us 9 months to set a date but it wasn't because we weren't working on it - discussing venues, visiting venues, etc. I don't presume to know your situation but I think you asked us because you wanted validation of your gut feeling that what is going on isn't quite right. I think you need to do some soul searching on this relationship.

    Go to http://apracticalwedding.com/ and do some reading there. At least the last few weeks worth. There's some good stuff in there about love, the meaning of marriage, etc. Read it and take a little time to think about what you really want for your future.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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