How involved is your FI?

orangenmaroon

Soo.. FI & I are not seeing eye to eye right now... but I wanted the opinions of other knotties because I tend to be unrealistic.
I say we should plan 50/50.  He disagrees and says that since he works & goes to school & has a million other tasks (it's true he is very busy - he's in his last year of Law school) and since he is several hours away and that since I work part-time right now that I should be doing the majority of the planning (but that he should definitely help out).
What do ya'll think?  Is this reasonable?  Or am I being unreasonable when I ask for 50/50?
Also, how involved were/are your FI's? 
Thanks for the prospective ladies!

mrsconn23

DH was interested in what he was wearing, the venue, the songlist for the DJ, the cake flavor, and the limo.  I worried about everything else.

MinM

I'm guessing *this* is your cake topper.

hmonkey

[QUOTE]he's in his last year of Law school 
Posted by orangenmaroon[/QUOTE]

he is right, you are wrong.

NEXT!

loveshine1

He's busy. He has a ton of reading to do, not to mention preparing for a little test called the bar.

DH cared about the cake and the rest of the food, plus some of the music. That was pretty much it. I picked everything else.

Paulo's Menina Bela

Leave him alone. His studies are far more important than picking out favors.

orangenmaroon

1.  Please don't post pictures/make comments about me dragging him to the altar.. I find that insulting.. my FI is very excited about getting married, we have waited a long time for this
2.  It's fine if you tell me i'm wrong.. but please tell my why.  It doesn't help me if you don't give details.

All i want is for him to give the same amount of effort as me, because it really is *BOTH* of our weddings...

Thanks again ladies & please don't post snarky stuff.. it's really not necessary!

veebroth

Ya sorry 50/50 is a bit unrealistic. Be happy he WANTS to be involved, that is amazing in my book.

orangenmaroon

BTW - I'm not saying he isn't busy with school, i know he is.. luckily he is not preparing for the bar right now!

MinM

mrsconn23

Oh waaaahhhh...get over yourself.  It's a public message board.

As far as him 'giving' the same amount of effort...Here's the deal. 

1. He's very busy finishing law school.  That take a lot of time and effort.  Effort that he's not going to be able to put into wedding planning.

2. He's a guy.  Wedding planning is usually not their thing.

hmonkey

[QUOTE]2.  It's fine if you tell me i'm wrong.. but please tell my why.  It doesn't help me if you don't give details. All i want is for him to give the same amount of effort as me, because it really is *BOTH* of our weddings... Thanks again ladies & please don't post snarky stuff.. it's really not necessary!
Posted by orangenmaroon[/QUOTE]

law school is hard.  it takes a lot of time to do well.  if you don't do well, you may end up at a terrible job with $200K in student loans and no way to pay them back. 

law school is about the rest of his life.  yes, marriage is about the rest of his life, but a wedding is not -- a wedding is about one day.

yes, it is about both of you.  however, he is contributing <strong>fairly</strong>, even though it may not be <strong>equally</strong>.  do you understand the difference between fair and equal?  this is an important life skill.

orangenmaroon

I UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BETWEEN FAIR & EQUAL!

Look, I'm just asking a question.  It doesn't matter if you disagree with me.. that's okay.. but some of you are just being snots about it!  Instead of being snarky & why don't you focus on being HELPFUL.

hmonkey

i am being helpful.  i discussed the pressures of law school.  i also discussed fair vs. equal, inasmuch as you seem to think that equal is the only way to be fair.  it's really not, and can lead to many arguments if you continue in this manner.

btw, where in virginia are you?  maybe we should meet.

MinM

OK - this is what you want to hear...

he should be totally involved and there every single second of every single minute that you are even THINKING about the wedding, because at the end of the day it is YOUR BIG DAY and law school is just something he is doing right now to pass the time instead of watching daytime TV. YOU ARE TOTALLY RIGHT!

TheDuckis

Yes. I think you should split everything completely equally down the middle. Just because you only work part time doesn't mean you want to spend all your free time planning his wedding. If he really wanted to be married to you, an extra 2-3 hours on top of the 16 hour days he's already putting in at work and school should really be nothing. So what if he has to miss classes or take time off to travel in for vendor appointments. Your time valuable too. He needs to get used to working hard so that you can maintain the lifestyle to which you're accustomed.

Paulo's Menina Bela

If he's several hours away, just how is he supposed to help? Insisting on this 50/50 business will only result in resentment and kill ANY interest he might actually have in the planning.

Ask him if there's anything he'd absolutely like have to say and leave it at that.

Sloane99

Several people have been helpful.

He had input on the things that were important to him like food, transportation and his attire and then I booked it because I'm better at that.

Things like linen colours and bridesmaids dresses, not important to him, but important to me, so I took care of it.

I've done the majority of the work and the planning, but that's because the majority of the details are more important to me than him.

ERGO, not 50/50 but more than fair.

adkinser

I don't think it's very nice to be sarcastic about this. You can disagree without posting pictures of brides dragging grooms around or sarcastically saying the groom should miss important things so the bride can live the lifestyle she's accustomed to. You don't know her. Don't assume she's a princess. 

Sorry I'm not helpful in the post - I don't have any advice for the original poster, but I have some advice for those of you who are being snotty (and this isn't everyone, mind you. If you were nice, you know it and you're not included.). If you want to be a witch Bridezilla, go do it somewhere else. Do it to your own family, your own friends, and your grooms. Not to another bride. She just asked a question. Doesn't matter the content of that question. If you don't have anything helpful to say, don't say anything at all. Didn't you all learn this in elementary school?

hmonkey

[QUOTE]Do it to your own family, your own friends, and your grooms. Not to another bride.
Posted by adkinser[/QUOTE]

now you are just being DIRTY.

adkinser

Sorry. =/ Didn't realize I wasn't allowed to be nasty, too.

Paulo's Menina Bela

People are giving her legitimate advice and pointing out how ridiculous she sounds based on her original post. None of which she understands.

adkinser

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_involved-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:8ed3a7ee-aa3d-4ac1-9a34-1fea0e9936e3Post:0a90186a-9664-455c-9561-ea526c319bb9">Re: How involved is your FI?</a>:
[QUOTE]People are giving her legitimate advice and pointing out how ridiculous she sounds based on her original post. None of which she understands.
Posted by Paulo's Menina Bela[/QUOTE]

<div>
</div><div>Some people are, yes, and I don't mean to point those people out or include them in why I think certain posts are unhelpful. The way some people said things just wasn't nice. Made them sound very snotty. I didn't think she sounded ridiculous. Just confused and overwhelmed and needed some advice - which only a few people were willing to give without making her feel bad about herself.</div>

baconsmom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_involved-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:8ed3a7ee-aa3d-4ac1-9a34-1fea0e9936e3Post:182c4625-855b-49a8-8f3b-bf939c6ce637">How involved is your FI?</a>:
[QUOTE]Soo.. FI & I are not seeing eye to eye right now... but I wanted the opinions of other knotties because I tend to be unrealistic. I say we should plan 50/50.  He disagrees and says that since he works & goes to school & has a million other tasks (it's true he is very busy - he's in his last year of Law school) and since he is several hours away and that since I work part-time right now that I should be doing the majority of the planning (but that he should definitely help out). What do ya'll think?  Is this reasonable?  Or am I being unreasonable when I ask for 50/50? Also, how involved were/are your FI's?  Thanks for the prospective ladies!
Posted by orangenmaroon[/QUOTE]
 <div>I love the quote feature. I do. More to come. </div>

baconsmom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_involved-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:8ed3a7ee-aa3d-4ac1-9a34-1fea0e9936e3Post:b30cdb04-6f11-421e-9215-631efa747ada">Re: How involved is your FI?</a>:
[QUOTE]1.  Please don't post pictures/make comments about me dragging him to the altar.. I find that insulting.. my FI is very excited about getting married, we have waited a long time for this 2.  It's fine if you tell me i'm wrong.. but please tell my why.  It doesn't help me if you don't give details. All i want is for him to give the same amount of effort as me, because it really is *BOTH* of our weddings... Thanks again ladies & please don't post snarky stuff.. it's really not necessary!
Posted by orangenmaroon[/QUOTE]

<div>Totally necessary. As are these quotes. </div>

baconsmom

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_involved-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:8ed3a7ee-aa3d-4ac1-9a34-1fea0e9936e3Post:07757f3e-8968-45bf-8d60-e1558b0adcc9">Re: How involved is your FI?</a>:
[QUOTE]I UNDERSTAND THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BETWEEN FAIR & EQUAL! Look, I'm just asking a question.  It doesn't matter if you disagree with me.. that's okay.. but some of you are just being snots about it!  Instead of being snarky & why don't you focus on being HELPFUL.
Posted by orangenmaroon[/QUOTE]

<div>Hee. </div>

Paulo's Menina Bela

I wonder if she realizes marriage isn't 50/50 either. If it works out that I can stay home after the baby, it's not unreasonable to assume that I'll do most of the cooking and housekeeping while my husband is working 12 hour days. That doesn't mean I'll be wearing cocktail dresses and heels all day, and have dinner on the table by 6p like some kind of brunette Donna Reed.

baconsmom

PMB, that's totally unreasonable. He has to pitch in! Providing financially ISN'T ENOUGH!! It's not EQUAL!!!

(Which is a conversation I've actually had before. "Doesn't he do housework?" "No, because he works outside the home, and I work in it." "But that's not fair." I dunno - feels fair enough to me when I get to Knot for four hours straight because the only thing on my agenda is "load crockpot" and "clean kitchen floor".) 

Wonderw1fe

Equity =/= Equality

And honey, I'm in law school now and the only non-school things I have time for are to wash, feed and clothe myself. If someone came to me talking about "help me plan a wedding", they'd get a roundhouse kick to the face. Leave. Him. Alone.

baconsmom

Zilla, I quote to save them from DDs. She seems the type. 

Paulo's Menina Bela

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_involved-fi?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:8ed3a7ee-aa3d-4ac1-9a34-1fea0e9936e3Post:c45522e5-e334-4c5e-b543-fa27e4712304">Re: How involved is your FI?</a>:
[QUOTE]PMB, that's totally unreasonable. He has to pitch in! Providing financially ISN'T ENOUGH!! It's not EQUAL!!! (Which is a conversation I've actually had before. "Doesn't he do housework?" "No, because he works outside the home, and I work in it." "But that's not fair." I dunno - feels fair enough to me when I get to Knot for four hours straight because the only thing on my agenda is "load crockpot" and "clean kitchen floor".) 
Posted by baconsmom[/QUOTE]

LOL No kidding. When H was short on work and home most days, guess what? Laundry was done, house was kept,  and if he knew how to make something in the crock pot, dinner was ready when I got home.