FH using money from our wedding account

bronxgrl

This is my first time posting here and I think it's an appropriate place to vent about this.  Our wedding is in October and we have been scraping everything we can to put into our wedding account since last September.  We are already cutting it really close budgetwise with the cash we'll have for pay for everything the day of.  Even with knowing this, my FH has taken out $400 in the past 2 weeks for random nonsense that is completely non-wedding related.  I am getting very mad at this.  He definitely isn't good with money and this was what I was afraid of by getting a joint account.  I know we need a joint account since we're getting married but I knew this would happen and need to try to work through it. 

Anyone have suggestions for how either 1) I can learn to deal with his minor financial faults (minor being the key word) or 2) let him know that it really effects me to not feel financial secure with him because he does things like this? 

hmonkey

you don't need a joint account once you're married.  in your case, i would highly recommend keeping them separate.

you can think it's minor all you want, but when you are coming to ask internet strangers for advice, it's not minor.

Mrs.Thistletwat

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fh-using-money-wedding-account?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:bf134628-36ce-4c55-b8b0-634eb0d78eb2Post:ff806775-2aa9-4d66-87c5-350b6c77fda2">FH using money from our wedding account</a>:
[QUOTE]This is my first time posting here and I think it's an appropriate place to vent about this.  Our wedding is in October and we have been scraping everything we can to put into our wedding account since last September.  We are already cutting it really close budgetwise with the cash we'll have for pay for everything the day of.  Even with knowing this, my FH has taken out $400 in the past 2 weeks for random nonsense that is completely non-wedding related.  I am getting very mad at this.  He definitely isn't good with money and this was what I was afraid of by getting a joint account. <strong> I know we need a joint account since we're getting married </strong>but I knew this would happen and need to try to work through it.  Anyone have suggestions for how either 1) I can learn to deal with his minor financial faults (minor being the key word) or 2) let him know that it really effects me to not feel financial secure with him because he does things like this? 
Posted by bronxgrl[/QUOTE]

You do not need a joint account just because you're getting married. H and I have separate checking and savings accounts as well as a joint savings account.

Any financial situation where he is taking out joint money that was allocated for something else is unacceptable and raises a HUGE red flag. You think this will stop after the wedding? You've got another thing coming.

zsazsa-stl

I have questions:

1) did he lie about it?
2) did he ask you first?
3) if he did ask you first, how did you respond?

ReturnOfKuus

You're marrying a guy who is bad with money and thinks nothing of taking hundreds of dollars at a time away from your joint (and tight) finances to do whatever he wants.  Does this sound like a good plan to you?

Mrs.Thistletwat

also, $400 in two weeks is a LOT of money.

NOLABridesmaid

I think you know that this isn't a minor thing.

HookaPants

I don't think $400 is as minor to you guys as you make it out to be.

**O-Face**

I'm in agreement with all.  This is not minor, in fact, it bodes badly for the future.

bronxgrl

We actually do have completely separate accounts with our own money to spend however we want.  This joint account was opened specifically for our wedding expenses.  I make more money than him and have more spending freedom but I also put a lot more than him into the wedding account.  It should be said that I don't pay any household expenses, he does, and that's another reason I don't want to get too picky with this issue. 

He did ask me before withdrawing money with the promise to pay it back so I didn't mind but a payday has come and gone and it wasn't replaced.  That's when I got annoyed.  I will definitely be talking to him about it but didn't want to come off as if I'm scolding him. 

LnR70707

$400 in two weeks is not minor.  If you were well off enough to consider it so, you wouldn't be upset enough to post about it.

Mrs.Thistletwat

What was he spending the money on? If it wasn't for food, rent, or other NEEDS then it shouldn't have been spent until he had it in his own account to spend. Again, $400 is a lot of money.

AuntFlo

I will definitely be talking to him about it but didn't want to come off as if I'm scolding him.

If you're concerned about "scolding" him, you are not ready to get married.  

Heffalump

Where did that money go?

Five words:  dead hooker in the trunk.

HookaPants

What did he need $400 for? Medical bills and a new Xbox are two totally different animals.

**O-Face**

Also.  Don't feel badly that you make more money than your FH.  Disposable income and discretionary income are two different things.  Would you have personally handed over $400 rather than take it from the joint account?

hmonkey

[QUOTE]Also.  Don't feel badly that you make more money than your FH.  Disposable income and discretionary income are two different things.  Would you have personally handed over $400 rather than take it from the joint account?
Posted by **O-Face**[/QUOTE]

oface, give yourself a high five, and then turn that hand around and pat yourself on the back.  you have come so far. 

bronxgrl

The first time he asked for money was for a medical bill for his daughter and gas for work because he was short til payday which is absolutely ok.  But then came the golf and drinks.  That's not ok. 

To the poster who said I should be ok with scolding my husband, I will never agree with that.  I do not and will not accept either one of us treating each other any less than the adults we are.  This is why I want to make sure I speak to him purposefully and peacefully and was asking advice to help me do that.  We've been together for 9 years but this is first time we have a joint account.  It's new territory so I just want us to tackle it with respect. 

ReturnOfKuus

If he's not acting respectably, then does he deserve to be treated with respect?  Maybe, maybe not.

AuntFlo

OMG - I was not saying that you should feel OK about scolding your husband.   You so don't get the point.

**O-Face**

I think you know exactly what to do.  Golf and drinks-no, you already said as much. 

And scolding is definitely called for, because children need scolding and he made a childish decision.

Also, thanks hmo.

hmonkey

you don't believe in scolding, but how abotu yelling?  yelling is okay?  i ask because i see it in your future.

ReturnOfKuus

Thumbs up to yelling!  Also, try throwing things.

hmonkey

when you throw things, aim for center mass.

that's my advice.

fishgirl77

Did he ask to use money from the wedding account for golf and drinks, or did he just use that account?  If he did ask, did you say no and he did it anyway?

bronxgrl

Now I see why I don't post things. 

Thank you to the people who actually had something constructive to say or ask. 

Mrs.Thistletwat

we answered you based on the information you gave us. Bronx Girls should be able to take it.

**O-Face**

What is wrong with what was said?

There was no name calling, we asked questions, you gave answers and we moved forward.

Butter Cookie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_wedding-woes_fh-using-money-wedding-account?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:47Discussion:bf134628-36ce-4c55-b8b0-634eb0d78eb2Post:ff806775-2aa9-4d66-87c5-350b6c77fda2">FH using money from our wedding account</a>:
[QUOTE]This is my first time posting here and I think it's an appropriate place to vent about this.  Our wedding is in October and we have been scraping everything we can to put into our wedding account since last September.  We are already cutting it really close budgetwise with the cash we'll have for pay for everything the day of.  Even with knowing this, my FH has taken out $400 in the past 2 weeks for random nonsense that is completely non-wedding related.  I am getting very mad at this.  He definitely isn't good with money and this was what I was afraid of by getting a joint account.  I know we need a joint account since we're getting married but I knew this would happen and need to try to work through it.  Anyone have suggestions for how either 1) I can learn to deal with his minor financial faults (minor being the key word) or 2) let him know that it really effects me to not feel financial secure with him because he does things like this? 
Posted by bronxgrl[/QUOTE]

Don't marry someone who may put you in financial ruin. You will eventually loathe being in the same room with him, become bitter, and angry, and what about future kids? He may say he wouldn't do anything to financially burden you or the kids but if he just HAS TO HAVE the PS4, and an emergency comes up, and there's no $$ in savings, that's exactly what he's doing.

NOLABridesmaid

I think you should just tell him that this means his family won't eat at the wedding because he spent their meal money.

I hope Mama doesn't mind packing a lunch.

hmonkey

nola, if your uncle is invited to her wedding, he is going to be mad.