Uninviting a friend

lynette76

One of my good female friends seems to have a tendency to be rude to my fiance. She works at a place where my fiance has to frequent because of his job. Because of this, I am not usually around when they encounter each other. Of the last 5 encounters between the two of them, my fiance has come away three times feeling that my friend had behaved very rudely- being a B----. I had seen this occur once, and I spoke with her about it, but it apparently is continuing to happen. Yes, I do believe my fiance. After the last occurance, my fiance gave me the ultimatum- invite her to the wedding, he won't be there. How do I uninvite her? I have no idea where to start. 

LizziebeeUT

ok, the thing that most concerned me was the "invite her and he won't be there." That is completely rediculous.

Obvioulsy he doesn't really mean it, but just to throw out that kind of threat is a pretty horrible thing to do.

Have you ever seen her be rude to hin? Not that you shouldn't believe him, but if you haven't seen it first hand, its not really something you can confront her about because you can't offer any solid "you said and/or did this"

Edit: It is important though that you let her know that you care about your FI and his feelings more than anyone elses. Before telling her she's not invited, tell her that the bahavior needs to stop, because you stand behind him, not her.

Wicked515

You have to be honest. You saw it happen at least once, so you have a reference. Just say, "When I saw you say..............or do.......... It made me upset. Now I'm hearing that you have continued this behavior. There's no reason for it, and because my fiance feels uncomfortable, I'm gonna have to ask that you don't come to the wedding." Something like that. Is she your very best friend, or a friend that you don't care if they come?

bstent

I agree with PP that it's unfair of FI to give you that ultimatum. Unless your friend is being completely hostile, I don't fully understand the strong reaction. FI has a friend that I don't like, I think he and his girlfriend thrive on drama (she will actually start fights with guys in bars so that he can jump in and beat them up.... they're crazy). They were friends before she came along and he was still a bit rough around the edges but she really brings out his crazy side. He has always been a pot stirrer and in the beginning of my relationship with FI he used to make little comments trying to get us to fight (i.e. "Are you gonna take that?"). I'm not afraid to stand up for myself and FI and I do NOT engage in stupid dramatic fights, so those comments stopped pretty quickly when FI and I both told him to knock it off. I told FI that I would prefer not to invite them, but that I understand that would be a friendship-ending move and so if his friendship with this guy is still important to him, I would suck it up as long as his friend promised not to cause any drama.

All that being said, if your FI is adament, I would probably try one more conversation with her before uninviting her. If you uninvite her, that's a pretty strong message in regards to your friendship, so before taking that step you might as well have a very straightforward conversation with her. Tell her what FI has told you and how certain behaviour has made him feel, and ask her what's going on. If she is unaware of her behaviour, remind her that you've discussed this with her before and that behaviour hasn't changed. If she is upset or apologetic, maybe encourage her and FI to talk about it and maybe her to apologize to him. If she is adament that she hasn't done anything wrong, tell her that she makes FI uncomfortable and that if she isn't able to at least be polite to him, it will negatively affect your friendship because he is your partner and will be in your life forever.

Good luck, hope your FI and your friend can get their acts together!