Not everyone is invited to the reception?

Emercee

Okay, I'm ngetting worried.  My guest list is growing and growing.  Several lovely ladies at my church are about to host a shower, and several friends of the MOG would also like to host a shower ....  but I wanted a more intimate reception - 100 people or less.  It looks like over 250 will need to be invited to the ceremony, AND it's open to members of my church ...   how can I politely not invite them to the reception as well?? Is that absolutely rude?!!?

Thanks!

Lasairiona

If someone is invited to the ceremony, they must be invited to the reception and vice versa. It's rude to invite someone to one or the other but not both. However, just because someone else has offered to host a shower for you does not obligate you to invite them to your wedding. Graciously accept the shower and keep the guestlist at 100 or whatever you originally chose. Don't add anyone you don't want there. The church can't force you to have an open invitation either.

ExpatPumpkin

Actually, I don't think you should accept anyone's offer of a shower unless all of the ladies invited to the shower will also be invited to the wedding and reception.  Showers are gift-giving events, and why would someone who's not invited to the wedding want to buy you a gift?  (The only exception to this would be a shower hosted by your co-workers.)

You can't have both an intimate wedding and big showers.  It's one or the other - by choosing to have a small wedding, you have to give up some the of perks of a big wedding.

My point is that if they're close enough to you to come to a pre-wedding event, then why aren't they close enough to be invited to the actual wedding?  By limiting your guest list, you also have to accept that you'll be limiting the number of people participating in your pre-wedding events... 

As far as the church goes, while you certainly can't stop other members of the church from witnessing the wedding if your church allows that, there should be no expectation that they are invited to your reception.  If you accept a shower hosted by ladies from the church, however, then they will most certainly expect to be invited to the reception.  See the problem?

agk0125

I agree with Expat that you should decline showers that will be hosted by people who aren't invited to both your ceremony AND reception.

Does your church require that your ceremony be open to all members? I personally would be very unhappy with that since I'm purposely having a small wedding. Is there someone you can talk to about only letting in invited guests? That's what I would push for if possible.

ExpatPumpkin

And to answer your last question, yes it's extremely rude to invite people to pre-wedding events and then not to the wedding and reception.  Your reception is a thank you to your guests for taking the time to witness your marriage and for supporting it (by buying you gifts, for example). 

I PROMISE you that people will be MUCH MORE offended if you allow the big showers and then don't invite everyone to the wedding and reception than if you politely turn down the showers...  

stina93446

The only type of shower where guests don't need to be invited to the big event are work showers. These are for other ladies at your work office to throw you a mini shower. Other than that, no dice. It's considered seriously rude to invite someone to a shower or b party but not the actual event. You're pretty much saying, "you're cool enough to give me a gift, but not attend my party." pretty awful sounding, right? It makes you look gift grabby too. I'd decline the showers and as pp said, do not invite more people than you can get into both the ceremony AND reception. If you invite them to one, they are invited to the other. If you only invited some people to the ceremony and they found out that they weren't invited to the party, I am pretty sure they'd be offended/pissed/upset. Wouldn't you?

Mrs.B6302007

Never exclude a guest from the reception.  If you want an intimate reception, you must have an intimate ceremony.  Put your foot down on your guest list.

aerinpegadrak

The reception isn't an after-party for the couple, it's a thank you for the guests who witnessed the ceremony.  Therefore, if they're invited to the ceremony, they're invited to the reception, period.  If members of the church show up that weren't specifically invited, then I don't think they'll expect an invitation to the reception, but if someone receives an explicit invitation to one, they must be invited to the other.

Your pre-party guest lists should consist only of guests who are invited to the wedding.  If someone offers to throw you a shower, either limit it to wedding guests, or decline.

iamjoesgurl

I had a similar issue with my church wanting to throw me a shower.  I approached one of the women that would have arranged it and asked her to not throw us a shower.  I explained that I would not be inviting most of the women in my church to the wedding and I didn't feel that it would be appropriate for them to feel obligated to buy a gift for us (which is basically what a shower is).  I asked her to speak to the other women in the church about it.  My mom also mentioned this to a few other women in the church and asked that they not throw a shower for me.  They ended up throwing us a reception after the wedding against my wishes, but I had no control over the situation.  People who were not invited to the wedding attended the reception if they wanted to.  DH and I decided to donate the money we received to charity.

If I was you, I would try to speak with a lady in your church who would be involved in the planning and politely decline the shower.  I would also talk to FMIL about her friends wanting to throw you a shower and ask that she speak with them about it.

megk8oz

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_not-everyone-invited-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:039578a3-e758-4339-a27f-29e7beed085bPost:57daa996-1df8-4445-84b8-b2ff72506932">Not everyone is invited to the reception?</a>:
[QUOTE] how can I politely not invite them to the reception as well??
Posted by Emercee[/QUOTE]

You can't. But there are plenty of rude ways to do this.

duckie1905

Anyone that attends the ceremony needs to be invited to the reception as well, with the exception of those that just show up (churches often allow anyone in the community to attend a ceremony, even if they are not an invited guest).  Not inviting guests to the reception that you invited to the ceremony is rude as hell and actually, downright offensive.  The reception is the guests' thank you for attending the ceremony.

Only people invited to the wedding should be invited to showers so if there are people on this guestlist that you don't want to invite then decline the shower or request that the hosts only invite those on your guestlist.

Otherwise, suck it up and have a big wedding.

Goldlie11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_not-everyone-invited-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:039578a3-e758-4339-a27f-29e7beed085bPost:57daa996-1df8-4445-84b8-b2ff72506932">Not everyone is invited to the reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]Okay, I'm ngetting worried.  My guest list is growing and growing.  Several lovely ladies at my church are about to host a shower, and several friends of the MOG would also like to host a shower ....  but I wanted a more intimate reception - 100 people or less.  It looks like over 250 will need to be invited to the ceremony, A<strong>ND it's open to members of my church</strong> ...   how can I politely not invite them to the reception as well?? Is that absolutely rude?!!? Thanks!
Posted by Emercee[/QUOTE]
Members of the church who just show up don't need to be invited to the reception.  However, anyone who you invite to the ceremony MUST be invited to the reception, period case closed.  Have a guest list that you, your fi, and anyone else who is hosting is comfortable with.  Don't invite more than you can afford or that your venue can accommodate.  

MyNameIsNot

It is terribly rude to invite people to the ceremony and not the reception. 

Some churches have a policy where the church is open to any members that wish to attend.  However, in this case, they would not be specifically invited, and therefore don't need to be invited to the reception.

It's also very rude to invite people to the shower that aren't invited to the wedding.  With the church ladies, explain that you are doing a more intimiate wedding and just can't invite everyone, and a shower would therefore be inappropriate.  If your FMIL's friends want to throw a shower, and they are on the guest list, you can accept so long as you discuss the guest list situation with them.  If they aren't invited, decline politely.

megk8oz

I'm going to ditto the PPs also, regarding the church being open to the public:
 
Anybody that shows up at the ceremony that's not on your guest list doesn't need an invite to the reception.

But anybody that you personally invite to the ceremony gets to go to the reception.

If money is an issue here, then you, you're FI and whomever else may be paying for this needs to sit down and prioritize and make cuts as necessary. If you absolutely need to invite every.single.person you currently intend to invite (Which most couples find that after taking a deep breath and thinking rationally for a little while it's rather easy to cut anywhere from 15-100 people), then you need to make sacrifices elsewhere to accomodate this.

mbcdefg

Ditto PPs on doing your best to turn down the shower thrown by people you didn't plan to invite. If they throw you one anyway, I would just write them really nice thank you notes and perhaps include a small gift.

If there's no getting around inviting your whole church to the wedding ceremony, maybe you can just have cake/cookies and coffee available in the basement for an hour after the ceremony, to thank them for coming. And then have the regular reception for the invited guests a little later ... perhaps do the small church reception for an hour while your invited guests are enjoying cocktail hour, and then join your invited guests at the reception and start on dinner with them.

I normally say NOOOOO to tiered receptions where guests get different treatment, but IMO it's acceptable in this situation because you aren't the one inviting them (your church community is).

imeltice

While it's not okay to not invite everyone to the reception, I think a "tiered" reception as was mentioned above is okay.  For instance, we are having a dinner that is family only, so we have about 100 to 150 on the guest list for that.  Then we are having a reception for everyone that we invited to the wedding, friends, church people, etc. that will start in the evening and have the open bar and snacks. I think that is still an acceptable way to thank your guests without having to spend a ton of money to feed all of them.

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_not-everyone-invited-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:039578a3-e758-4339-a27f-29e7beed085bPost:116817c5-8616-46dc-b706-305ae3034891">Re: Not everyone is invited to the reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]While it's not okay to not invite everyone to the reception, I think a "tiered" reception as was mentioned above is okay.  For instance, we are having a dinner that is family only, so we have about 100 to 150 on the guest list for that.  Then we are having a reception for everyone that we invited to the wedding, friends, church people, etc. that will start in the evening and have the open bar and snacks. I think that is still an acceptable way to thank your guests without having to spend a ton of money to feed all of them.
Posted by imeltice[/QUOTE]


Not in my world would that fly.  What are the other guests suppose to do while the VIP's eat dinner?

duckie1905

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_not-everyone-invited-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:039578a3-e758-4339-a27f-29e7beed085bPost:116817c5-8616-46dc-b706-305ae3034891">Re: Not everyone is invited to the reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]While it's not okay to not invite everyone to the reception, I think a "tiered" reception as was mentioned above is okay.  For instance, we are having a dinner that is family only, so we have about 100 to 150 on the guest list for that.  Then we are having a reception for everyone that we invited to the wedding, friends, church people, etc. that will start in the evening and have the open bar and snacks. I think that is still an acceptable way to thank your guests without having to spend a ton of money to feed all of them.
Posted by imeltice[/QUOTE]

OP-please don't take this advice.  Horribly rude.

Pirata13

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_not-everyone-invited-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:039578a3-e758-4339-a27f-29e7beed085bPost:116817c5-8616-46dc-b706-305ae3034891">Re: Not everyone is invited to the reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]While it's not okay to not invite everyone to the reception, I think a "tiered" reception as was mentioned above is okay.  For instance, we are having a dinner that is family only, so we have about 100 to 150 on the guest list for that.  Then we are having a reception for everyone that we invited to the wedding, friends, church people, etc. that will start in the evening and have the open bar and snacks. I think that is still an acceptable way to thank your guests without having to spend a ton of money to feed all of them.
Posted by imeltice[/QUOTE]

Beyond rude. Don't do this. It says you want them to come out of their way to your wedding, bring gifts, but that they aren't worthy of anything but snacks while others get a full dinner.

aerinpegadrak

Yeah, that tiered reception is a very bad idea.  It's telling people, "Go run off and play, you're not important enough to have dinner with us, but you can still bring a gift."

ExpatPumpkin

Please don't take the tiered reception advice...  I doubt that you're going to get a huge crowd of uninvited church members there, anyway.  The majority of people understand that weddings are not really public events.  And most people do not want/have time to go watch you get married if they're not invited to the ceremony and the reception.  

Now, if you accept the church shower, however, you very well may find yourself with a gaggle of church ladies on your hands.  And they'll expect to follow your other guests right to the reception, so have additional tables prepared...

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_not-everyone-invited-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:039578a3-e758-4339-a27f-29e7beed085bPost:116817c5-8616-46dc-b706-305ae3034891">Re: Not everyone is invited to the reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]While it's not okay to not invite everyone to the reception, I think a "tiered" reception as was mentioned above is okay.  For instance, we are having a dinner that is family only, so we have about 100 to 150 on the guest list for that.  Then we are having a reception for everyone that we invited to the wedding, friends, church people, etc. that will start in the evening and have the open bar and snacks. I think that is still an acceptable way to thank your guests without having to spend a ton of money to feed all of them.
Posted by imeltice[/QUOTE]

This is incredibly rude.  Please do not do this.

The tiered suggestion above was to have some sort of coffee/cake in the church available only for those church guests that showed up due to the church's open policy, but were not actually invited.

To actually exclude invited guests from part of the reception is beyond rude.  Your guests are going to be horribly offended.

bullentini

With out sounding rude, it sounds like you talked about your wedding an awful lot to people for so many of them to assume they are invited to your reception and are throwing you a shower. I read some advise early on in my wedding planning that said to only talk about your wedding plans with those who are apart of it. However, if this wasn't the case, I guess you just have some bad luck with your reception planning.

But most of all, you need to start being honest and open about your wedding desires. It's ok to have an intimate reception, as long as you make it known this is your intention. Otherwise, you truly risk hurting friendships with those who think they are included in your plans but will never get an invite.

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_not-everyone-invited-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:039578a3-e758-4339-a27f-29e7beed085bPost:116817c5-8616-46dc-b706-305ae3034891">Re: Not everyone is invited to the reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]While it's not okay to not invite everyone to the reception, <strong>I think a "tiered" reception as was mentioned above is okay.</strong>  For instance, we are having a dinner that is family only, so we have about 100 to 150 on the guest list for that.  Then we are having a reception for everyone that we invited to the wedding, friends, church people, etc. that will start in the evening and have the open bar and snacks. I think that is still an acceptable way to thank your guests without having to spend a ton of money to feed all of them.
Posted by imeltice[/QUOTE]

I think you misread what I wrote.

My suggestion was to have cake or snacks for people who were NOT invited but showed up anyway. This is if the OP's church has an open-door policy when it comes to weddings and there's truly nothing the OP can do to prevent that.

The suggestion to invite some people for dinner, and some people just for snacks, is rude. The key word here is INVITE. What you're suggesting - to actually tell people they are welcome at your wedding but not welcome to be fully fed with the "better" guests - is very rude.

meekeemouse

While it's not okay to not invite everyone to the reception, I think a "tiered" reception as was mentioned above is okay.  For instance, we are having a dinner that is family only, so we have about 100 to 150 on the guest list for that.  Then we are having a reception for everyone that we invited to the wedding, friends, church people, etc. that will start in the evening and have the open bar and snacks. I think that is still an acceptable way to thank your guests without having to spend a ton of money to feed all of them.
Posted by imeltice

This doesnt even make sense! Dont follow this advice

rhellyer

I say do your wedding whichever way you can. I don't think it's that rude to invite ppl to the ceremony and not the reception. People will understand if you don't have the funds to feed everyone, but they will still feel included by being a part of the most intimate part of your wedding - the ceremony. I plan on doing it the other way around where I have a smaller ceremony and dinner and a bigger reception/dance for everyone. It is my way of working in all the people that I want to be there without breaking the bank.

All in all I think that if it comes down to inviting them to everything or inviting them to nothing, people would rather be invited to something

cfoley83

I completely agree that it is beyond rude to invite people to a shower or ceremony and not a reception but what about the other way around? 

My fiance and I were planning on having a ceremony and dinner for close relatives and friends only and a cake, open bar and snack reception for people that we would like to share the day with but are not that close to  i.e. people we work with, who invite us to their weddings etc.

Summer1024

I personally would not invite people to come to the ceremony and not invite them to the reception. I especially would not allow them to throw me a shower if you are not close with them and are not planning to invite them to both either. You either invite them to both or to neither. That's like accepting a gift from a guy who wants more than your friendship and taking it even though you want nothing to do with him. Mixed signalss. If you're allowing people to throw you a shower and you don't want them at both your ceremony and reception that don't take the gift/shower they want to throw you.


I might bend my own rules a bit because I am a teacher and my students know that I am getting married as they saw my ring. They are 8 and were all so excited and think they are invited. I might allow them to attend my ceremony with their parents but not the reception. I feel like that is much different than your scenerio though.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_not-everyone-invited-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:039578a3-e758-4339-a27f-29e7beed085bPost:d6455ed5-fe98-408d-817b-53f988090930">Re: Not everyone is invited to the reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I were planning on having a ceremony and dinner for close relatives and friends only and a cake, open bar and snack reception for people that we would like to share the day with but are not that close to  i.e. people we work with, who invite us to their weddings etc.
Posted by cfoley83[/QUOTE]

There are ways to have a smaller ceremony without it being rude, but a tiered reception is always going to come off as rude.  You could do a tiny private ceremony with immediate family and then invite everyone to your cake/snack/open bar event.  But if you have the dinner for your smaller guest list, you are going to offend.  In your case, you'd be better to have a nice luncheon or a fancy rehearsal dinner before the ceremony and invite the people you're thinking of, have the ceremony, and then have the large event be your reception.  Also, if you do a smaller ceremony, your guest list needs to really be tiny, no more than 20-25 people, like immediate family only. 

mbcdefg

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_not-everyone-invited-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:039578a3-e758-4339-a27f-29e7beed085bPost:3bd768a6-d839-4fdc-a14e-21b906bea939">Re: Not everyone is invited to the reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]All in all I think that if it comes down to inviting them to everything or inviting them to nothing, people would rather be invited to something :)
Posted by rhellyer[/QUOTE]

But the key word here is "invite." There's a difference between asking people to spend their day with you, versus people just showing up on their own or asking to show up (like the church friends, if it's expected in that church to have an open-door policy for the entire congregation).

The problem is also that most people will bring a gift for the couple if they are invited to a wedding. If you're actually inviting someone to the wedding but not including them in the full festivities afterward, it can send a message of, "I want your present but you're not good enough to get the same treatment as some of my other guests." Even if you don't intend it that way.

This is like if someone invited me to her housewarming party or her kid's birthday party and said, "I want you to come and share in the day with me, but everyone else will be getting food/drinks/a party favor and you won't, because I don't have enough resources for everyone to get one. So only the special people are getting these things." In that case, just don't invite me at all.

If I'm not invited to the wedding of a coworker or a church friend or someone else, but I insit that I want to come and watch the ceremony and wish her well ... then that choice is mine, and the bride therefore isn't obligated to entertain me since I am not an invited guest. If I show up with a gift for a friend's new house or for her kid's birthday, even if I wasn't invited to the party, then that is my choice. Being essentially told, "You're invited, but you're only getting a small snack and then you have to leave because we need to set up dinner for the preferred guests" ... or, "You're invited, but you have to go home and wait around a while until the better guests are done eating dinner" ... is not a nice way to treat people.

But if you invite someone to your wedding, they may feel obligated to bring or send a gift, and then treated them as second-class people while other invited guests get the first-class treatment is going to make people feel bad.

Rachel soon to be K

I wouldn't worry about people from your church just showing up (even if church policies allow this). If anyone from church attends your wedding without you having sent them an invitation, they will not expect to attend your reception.

My father is a pastor and his church has this policy and he is yet to see anyone come to the wedding without the bride and groom inviting them.

However, if you and your FI announce in any form to your church that you'd like them to share your day, they will consider it an invitation to both the ceremony and reception.