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Is this rude?

JDardenJDarden member
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in Pennsylvania-Philadelphia
One of my BMs tells me on Monday that she cannot be in my wedding, which is on Oct. 9th (about 12 days away). The reason being she does not have the $$ for her dress. So me, the FI and the rest of my BMs offer to help her out with the cost of her dress so she can still be in the wedding. About a day later I get this text msgs from her about how I am so rude to ask her that and she doesn't need my help with anything... and to have a nice wedding. Is that really rude of me? (And to give a little background another BM backed out the wedding about 2 months ago. So now my bridal party is going to be lopsided me with 4 and him with 6).
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Re: Is this rude?

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    CA2PABride2BeCA2PABride2Be member
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    edited December 2011
    How long have you been planning the wedding?  It's rude of her to just back out at the last minute.  Shouldn't she have already bought her dress by now?It sounds like you don't have a good friend if she's just going to be immature and confront you with text messages.  I'm sorry you're lopsided on your party, but you're better off without her in the wedding anyway - doesn't sound like a true friend at all.
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    JDardenJDarden member
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    edited December 2011
    Been planning the wedding for about 2 yrs now... and I asked her about a year ago.
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    [Deleted User][Deleted User] member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You are in no way rude. I would offer to pay for my BM dresses in the same situation. I'm really sorry this is happening so close to your wedding. However I know you will have a fantastic day!
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    angel33284angel33284 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    She's probably embarrassed that she can't afford the dress. It's probably even more embarrassing for her to have people buy the dress for her. You need to call her and tell her how much it would mean to you if she was there, but also try and be understanding if she still declines. Don't spaz out on her. It's one thing to lose a bridesmaid, but it's a whole lot worse to lose a friend.
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    ValAndRyanValAndRyan
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I agree with angel. She was probably really embarrassed and now everyone knows she can't afford the dress. She probably would have liked it better if you talked to her first about it before letting everyone know. Try and understand where she is coming from. On the flip side, sending a text about it is not good. And she should try and understand that you were only trying to help.You should call and talk to her to save a friendship, not to convince her to be in the wedding - offer it to her that you would still love for her to be in the wedding but she needs to make that decision. As for your sides being lopsided, that is absolutely nothing to worry about at all. It will be ok and work out. You will have a beautiful day.
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    taccotentaccoten
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    edited December 2011
    It's definitely not rude of you at all!  If anything, it's extremely generous and I would have done the same thing.  You could just explain to her that it's not about money... that you asked her to be in your wedding because she is your good friend and you can't imagine not having her right there with you on your big day!  If she doesn't end up in the wedding, do not worry about things being lopsided.  A lot of weddings don't have equal number of guys and girls on each side and photogs can take some really great shots this way.  Good luck and congrats!
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    ValAndRyanValAndRyan
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    edited December 2011
    I do want to clarify that you weren't rude, just some hurt feelings and misunderstandings going on. If you guys are really good friends, I'm sure this will get resolved soon.
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    ooodsieooodsie
    First Anniversary First Comment Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Yikes! I am also Oct 9 - my bridesmaids paid for their dresses a longgg time ago, but if this happened I would also offer to pay, especially this close to the wedding. I don't like the idea of text, altho one of my BM's contacted me via text about something regarding attending one of my bridal functions so I can understand and it's very frustrating. Makes you want to evaluate how good of a friend this person really is and if you even want them in the wedding - I would say if theyre a VERY good friend, through thick of thin, keep on this and try to make her understand you had good intentions and she shoudlnt feel stupid and it means a lot to you to have her in it.. If you could do just as well without her and she's a friend you regret having invited, leave it be.
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    hollyberrie05hollyberrie05 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I also had a bm back out of my wedding due to not being able to afford the dress...via text. She also wouldn't let me pay for the dress, so I'm going to be lopsided. I was really upset about it at first, but then I realized that it's about myself and my fiance, not how many people are in my wedding. I tried to save the friendship, but unfortunately it didn't work out. Good luck!
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    kpenne01kpenne01
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    It sounds like there may be a reason other than $$ driving her decision.  Hopefully you two can work this out.
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    Ms.BriarRoseMs.BriarRose
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Unfortunately, I know what you are going through.  One of my BMs, who was supposed to be my MOH because she and I were "best friends", backed out of my wedding after she got engaged and set her date more 6 weeks before mine.  She said that she couldn't devote the time and energy to my wedding because her wedding would take all of it out of her.  Same reason she told me that I couldn't be in hers, even though we are "best friends and hopefully we can still plan together" (her words, not mine).  So I know the hurt and pain that you are going through, and I am not as close as you!  I feel for you, I really do :(Having had this happen to me, if she is fighting your solutions, any and all, then maybe it's best off this way, as much as it hurts.  I also understand the whole BM not having money, because I have another BM in that situation, and since I wanted her in my wedding so bad and I knew she couldn't afford all the costs, I offered to buy her dress.  I told her why, and she was touched.  You might try to mend things by telling her your thinking, and how much she means to you and how much you want her there on your day.  But if she is fighting the (financial) support, and canceling on you through text message, it may just be better off with her not there.  It may not have been the best thing to have talked to the other girls before asking this BM, but what's done is done, and I wouldn't dwell on it.I know it's hard; just remember that this day is about you, not who is standing up there.  More than anything, it's those who are sitting in the pews- your family, especially- which matter the most!  You want people there who care and want to make your day magical because they love you and your FI; if they can't do that, then maybe they shouldn't be there.
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    rumdrinxrumdrinx member
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    edited December 2011
    Two weeks before the wedding? Mark my words , it wasnt because she couldnt afford the dress.
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    jessicah628jessicah628
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    edited December 2011
    I'm calling MUD on this one. Who hasn't paid for their dress 2 weeks before the wedding?
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    w8tilucmew8tilucme member
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    edited December 2011
    ahhh some days I really miss these things....I agree with Rum and MUD.  If my "friend" backed out and then called ME rude, well it wouldn't even warrant a post...or if it did it would beListen to this crap....as the title
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    rumdrinxrumdrinx member
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    edited December 2011
    hahahah!  Hi W8!
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    w8tilucmew8tilucme member
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    edited December 2011
    back at ya rum!
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