Is it okay to not have a reception?

waterfalllady84

I just got engaged yesterday.     We are trying to plan the very very basic stuff because we don't even know in which state we will get married. Neither of us like attention, but I have a huge family. Is it okay to forego having a reception? Neither of our parents can help us financially.

I am from Ohio and we live in Florida now. I realize that traditions can be different in both areas. We still don't know where we are having the wedding, but right now it looks like Ohio.

JenF12

I think you're wedding should be done anyway you want. If you do not want a reception then don't have one. Just try to let everyone know that it will just be a ceremony.

J&K10910

Well...receptions are typically the "thank you" to the guests for traveling, and bringing you a gift, etc.  If you don't want to have a big affair, I'd stick to a small ceremony (immediate family, closest friends) and then just taking the attendees out to a nice dinner after.

trix1223

No, it's not okay to forgo ANY reception, unless the two of you are going to be married completely alone.  Sorry, but JenF is completely wrong here.

A reception doesn't have to be the big "Wedding Industry Wedding" that the magazines, websites, and tv shows would have you believe are essential.

A reception can be a sheet cake, punch, and coffee in the church fellowship hall and be charming, personal, and memorable.

But if you're inviting people to attend your ceremony, then you really need to host "something" following that ceremony.  Start to explore your options.  You'll find that you have a number of possibilities that won't break the bank.

Good luck to you and congrats on your engagement.

Milsey32

Trix is right -- something is done after the ceremony to thank those who witnessed your special day. Like T&K said, you could even take guests out to dinner if that's how you roll... but you just got engaged so you have plenty of time to think about it/save. Have you picked a date?

acwm

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_okay-not-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:db526651-26d5-490e-9a37-1a664e604f58Post:bc08a4b7-2cbd-4c0d-ad13-a637c1622db2">Re: Is it okay to not have a reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]Only if you don't invite guests. Receptions, contrary to popular belief, are not an after-wedding party for the couple. They are FOR THE GUESTS, hence the word "reception." The couple RECEIVES society, in the form of family and friends, and formally presents themselves as a social unit. Hospitality (food and drink) is offered to the guests who attended the ceremony, since one never hosts a social function without offering refreshments that are appropriate to the hour. You need not serve a full meal if you have your ceremony and reception during an off-meal hour. Have it in mid-afternoon, and serve cake, punch and coffee. You must, however, serve something if you invite others to participate, unless you have a JP wedding in the courthouse.
Posted by RetreadBride[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>This. You need to do something to thank your guests. As PPs said, it doesn't have to be extravagant, but they took time out of their lives to watch you get married. A reception is a gracious thank you to your guests for participating in this major life event with you.</div><div>
</div><div>ETA: Congratulations on the engagement, and good luck planning!

</div>

kmmssg

Ditto the others - this is where you thank people for coming to witness your vows and you host them for a bit.  Cake, punch, tea, coffee - good to go.  It would be rude to invite people, expect them to take time out of their schedules, etc to attend, and not host something small.  Just don't do it at meal time.

Mrs.B6302007

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_okay-not-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:db526651-26d5-490e-9a37-1a664e604f58Post:1c1cf675-2ce1-463a-95e2-5b14387c3370">Re: Is it okay to not have a reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you're wedding should be done anyway you want. If you do not want a reception then don't have one. Just try to let everyone know that it will just be a ceremony.
Posted by JenF12[/QUOTE]

So people are supposed to interrupt their day (quite possibly take off work), get dressed up, attend the wedding and then not even get a slice of cake?  That's not okay.

RoxyRuby

I just love getting all jazzed to go see my friends and family get married only to be shown the door after. I don't even car if it is cookies and cool aid. Maybe we want to, you know, congratulate you or something?  I would feel pretty shunned if I just got to grab some mickey d's on the way home. Sweet wedding.

MyNameIsNot

Outside of the fact that it would be rude not to do anything, it would be really uncomfortable and awkward.  So you'd walk back down the aisle, and then everyone would just go home?  Don't you think people want to at least say hello and congratulations?  

Like PPs said, you can do super simple and super inexpensive, but you really need to have some kind of social event after the fact.  If you decide to keep it small, just take everyone out to dinner afterwards.  If you decide to add more people, do a cake & punch or BBQ somewhere.  

taylo131

My fiance and I are planning a wedding currently and we compromised because I didn't really want a big thing and he is all about the black-tie affair with tons of people.  His family is huge, his brother's wedding had about 300 people which about 200 were "family".  So we are doing a night wedding and are only inviting the crucial family members (about 60 people) and then having a cocktail only reception.  Then after the honeymoon and everything we were going to have a barbeque/potluck for anyone who felt left out/hurt that they were not invited.  That way the larger family group, can split the cost of food and drinks amongst everyone.

J&K10910

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_okay-not-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:db526651-26d5-490e-9a37-1a664e604f58Post:2bb6d675-eed3-49c0-b8b0-257623705dde">Re: Is it okay to not have a reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]My fiance and I are planning a wedding currently and we compromised because I didn't really want a big thing and he is all about the black-tie affair with tons of people.  His family is huge, his brother's wedding had about 300 people which about 200 were "family".  So we are doing a night wedding and are only inviting the crucial family members (about 60 people) and then having a cocktail only reception.  Then after the honeymoon and everything we were going to have a barbeque/potluck for anyone who felt left out/hurt that they were not invited.  That way the larger family group, can split the cost of food and drinks amongst everyone.
Posted by taylo131[/QUOTE]

Sweet, I'd totally be less hurt if you asked me to bring my own food to your afterthought party. 

waterfalllady84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_okay-not-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:db526651-26d5-490e-9a37-1a664e604f58Post:5be804d7-a613-4f4b-9d07-d66d65b15719">Re: Is it okay to not have a reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it okay to not have a reception? : So people are supposed to interrupt their day (quite possibly take off work), get dressed up, attend the wedding and then not even get a slice of cake?  That's not okay.
Posted by Mrs.B6302007[/QUOTE]

Thanks for welcoming me to the board!!! I know nothing about weddings. You act personally offended. I was just asking for information.

KelaRenee

I generally agree with the idea that you ought to have a reception to thank your guests for coming.

What I think is odd, is that you aren't required to have a reception when people come to see your graduation or the like (which is generally WAY more boring than a wedding.)

Cake and punch are the way to go if you don't want something major.

lyndausvi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_okay-not-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:db526651-26d5-490e-9a37-1a664e604f58Post:e6351635-b1d5-4596-b18d-c05c52a81768">Re: Is it okay to not have a reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]I generally agree with the idea that you ought to have a reception to thank your guests for coming. What I think is odd, is that you aren't required to have a reception when people come to see your graduation or the like (which is generally WAY more boring than a wedding.) Cake and punch are the way to go if you don't want something major.
Posted by KelaRenee[/QUOTE]

<div>Actually my family always hosted guests we had at our graduations.  We normally either went out to dinner or had something back to the house, but yes we still gave them food and drink.</div>

Goldlie11

I'm going to be as nice as possible.  You just got engaged, so I'm sure you might be feeling a bit overwhelmed.  Don't worry too much.  Like others said, you can give people some cake and juice and be done with it.  Costco makes a cake that serves 48 for $17. So $17 x 6 =  $102 for food.  Or you can bake cupcakes if you want to.  Borrow punch bowls and make some kind of punch.  Napkins, cutlery, cups, I bet you can do the whole thing for about $500.   

To answer you OP, yes you must have a reception if you plan to invite people.  It's basic etiquette.  

kisabell

Wow- She just asked a question.  I think it is amazing how rude people can be on here.  My opinion is just to have a small cake/punch reception at the same location.  Keep it short and as simple as you like.

Good Luck and Congrats!!!!

waterfalllady84

Thank you for the suggestion about the book. I am ordering it right now.

I'm not really worried about the money. I have very bad anxiety and I can't stand the attention. I want make my special day the least anxiety producing as possible.

covejack

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_okay-not-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:5Discussion:db526651-26d5-490e-9a37-1a664e604f58Post:8da9484f-98b4-4b45-aa9c-48c60b58c887">Re: Is it okay to not have a reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank you for the suggestion about the book. I am ordering it right now. I'm not really worried about the money. I have very bad anxiety and I can't stand the attention. I want make my special day the least anxiety producing as possible.
Posted by waterfalllady84[/QUOTE]

Have you thought about eloping with just you and FI, or having immediate family only?  That might be really nice, and less of an impact on your anxiety

Sammie Ann

Well, it is YOUR wedding. You should do it the way YOU want to. If you and your man don't want a reception, then you do not need a reception. However, if you do not have a reception, then your wedding should be a small ordeal with close family and friends. Maybe a quaint dinner to show thanks to the attendees for helping to celebrate your special day.
Congrats and Best of Luck!
Remember... If you are happy, everyone else will be happy for you.

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_okay-not-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:db526651-26d5-490e-9a37-1a664e604f58Post:f07b89e6-62ba-447e-bec1-6fc376dd573d">Re: Is it okay to not have a reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, <strong>it is YOUR wedding. You should do it the way YOU want to. If you and your man don't want a reception, then you do not need a reception.</strong> However, if you do not have a reception, then your wedding should be a small ordeal with close family and friends. Maybe a quaint dinner to show thanks to the attendees for helping to celebrate your special day. Congrats and Best of Luck! Remember... If you are happy, everyone else will be happy for you. :)
Posted by Sammie Ann[/QUOTE]

Again, this advice is just completely wrong.  You can have a wedding without a reception if just the two of you go off and elope.  But if you have guests, then it's really poor form not to thank them in some way for coming to share your ceremony with you.  Please ignore the bolded part.  While it is your wedding, it ceases to be about just what YOU want when you choose to involve other people.

As for the last sentence.....that's just silly.   If I'm happy making all of my guests eat fried worms, drink infant formula and dance to the YMCA song, that makes all of my guests happy?  Really?

But good luck to you, Sammie Ann.

austynmike

Have a party - don't do all the other stuff just hae a party somwhere and invite all your friends to come to a party! Then show everyone pictures from your big day

specialk84

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_okay-not-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:db526651-26d5-490e-9a37-1a664e604f58Post:3f00a6b3-f51c-4b5d-b2c0-7ba349a95fdc">Re: Is it okay to not have a reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Is it okay to not have a reception? : Thanks for welcoming me to the board!!! I know nothing about weddings. You act personally offended. I was just asking for information.
Posted by waterfalllady84[/QUOTE]

<div>No one called you names or said you were a bad person.  They just answered your question honestly.  </div><div>
</div><div>Mrs. B. gives good advice, as do lots of other women on these boards.  The intent is not to make you feel bad about yourself, but rather to keep you from making your guests uncomfortable.</div><div>
</div><div>As for etiquette books, I really like the Miss Manners ones.  Emily Post is very popular.  Please, please stay away from any book in the "Simply Stunning" series.  They give bad advice.</div>

bltata

Congratulations on your new engagement!

I know these boards can be a bit overwhelming and I'm sorry if some of the ladies are being a bit rude.  Basically, if you have guests, you have to play host.  The advice the ladies have given about cake and punch is great.  Just remember that you need to avoid meal times if you are going to do this so as not to offend the etiquette police. 

Also, the girls that are getting mad about people saying it's ok to not have a formal reception need to relax.  Some of you are attacking each other even if the person who said it was ok to not have a "reception" still said that you need to invite your attendees to a dinner of some sort.  That is still playing host.  Chill out, people. 

The wedding industry has a lot of people thinking that if you don't have a formal wedding reception with the dj, huge meal, desserts, and alcohol, that you are being rude.  This just isn't true.  All you have to be is a good host, which includes refreshments that are appropriate to the time of day.  My advice to you, OP, is that if you have anxiety over the spotlight, that you keep the traditional wedding celebrations to a minimum.  Food, awesome.  Beverages, awesome.  Nix the dances. Nix the bouquet and garter crap.  Heck, even nix the speeches.  The smaller the guest list, the more intimate it will be and it will feel less like you are on display for an audience.  You can have a barbecue at a park.  You can have cake and punch in a church hall or community center.  The budget boards here are great for advice if you need it.

Again, Congratulations.

jemmini6

If it's the anxiety of the people that makes you want to skip the reception, there are several other options that you can do that are still etiquette correct.  I would personally suggest just doing a private ceremony for you and your closest family and then just taking everyone out for a nice dinner afterwards.  That way you are celebrating with the people closest to you, but are still hosting everyone properly and thanking them for taking time out to support your marriage.

Goldlie11

This thread has been quite civil, especially towards the OP.  It's just sickening and annoying when people simply write, "do whatever you want, it's your day".  That attitude is not okay if  you intend to include others in your plans.  If you are hosting/throwing a wedding, then you should be thinking about your guests.  

trix1223

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_reception-ideas_okay-not-reception?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:5Discussion:db526651-26d5-490e-9a37-1a664e604f58Post:a9addf47-3516-4b0a-bb69-7d37e1217c78">Re: Is it okay to not have a reception?</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow- She just asked a question.  I think it is amazing how rude people can be on here.  My opinion is just to have a small cake/punch reception at the same location.  Keep it short and as simple as you like. Good Luck and Congrats!!!!
Posted by kisabell[/QUOTE]

I'm sorry, but I didn't really see any "rude people" on this thread.  In fact, people congratulated the OP, gave her excellent suggestions, and wished her good luck. 

People also pointed out, but not "rudely" the couple of threads that had very poor advice that would surely alienate any friends and family who took time to attend a wedding. 

But good luck to you kisabell.

waterfalllady84

Thank you for the ideas.I really want to elope and if not I really want a small wedding I just can't stand the idea of a reception with a dj and dinner and it going on all night. I like the idea about a lunch. I think I can do that.  I do have severe anxiety and I've worked really hard to overcome most of it, but  I don't want to dread my wedding.

leahskinner1

Happy engagement!!

The other part to this reception thing is, especially if your are anxious, is to keep in mind that people are happy and excited for you, so they will just want to be with you and share your happiness. This is a time to enjoy that - if you didn't do a reception at all (even a little one) will you regret it later? It can be overwhelming now, but it will be over so fast that it is important to keep the big picture in mind!

I really like the potluck idea - plus, if you don't need a lot of household items from a shower, and you are not too concerned about the theme and everything, you could just ask everyone to pitch in or bring something that can be used at the reception (tablecloths, napkins, food, drink etc.) and it will be all done for you!

banana468

Potluck is not a good idea.  When you ask people to be present then you need to host them.

A potluck can work for a block party but not for a wedding or shower.

drgirl

Congratulations waterfalllady84!! Revel in the engagement, the proposal and all those fun details. This is such an exciting time. Good luck!