So... I just had the first person to ask me if they are invited to my wedding

ritakelly

Well they didn't come right out and say it like that, but they did ask if they were invited to my shower.

So one of my best friends from my childhood just sent me a message asking if her mom could come to my shower (that my friend is throwing me). I know that if I say yes invite her to the shower then I am obligated to invite her to the wedding. I'm not sure if she would come; but it just opens the door to why I didn't invite all my other childhood friends parents to the wedding. I feel bad, because this friend invited my parents to her wedding (and my mom to her shower). My mom declined both but did send a nice gift for the wedding.

But if I was going to invite more people to the wedding I would probably invite FI's coworkers because we are friends and play tennis with many of them outside of work. We decided to cut the line whenever it got messy and thought people may start to get their feelings hurt, like if we invite one co-worker but not another. I feel bad about saying "no" but at the same time, I really don't want to invite them to my wedding. 

I guess it was bound to happen sooner than later!

chrissyinatl

It happens.  I am from Texas, and I have had several old friends ask me straight out if they will be invited.  I guess it makes sense, because they will need to plan further ahead if they are traveling.  In a few cases, I wasn't planning to invite them - but hey, if they are going to make an effort to come out here, I will!

em01092

Just tell her you're still working on the guest list with your FI. Or you can be up front and say you are keeping things small and intimate. How true this is doesn't matter. Its the fact that you are  implying you are only inviting close friends and family, so she should get the hint. She may be a little hurt but its just the way the cookie crumbles when people move away, get older, grow apart etc. 

I had a high school friend (with whom I am no longer close and she was never that great of a friend) straight up ask me and I told her we were keeping it intimate. She made a pouty face, but laughed and said she understood. Never mentioned again. No big. 

sweets18

This has happened to me so often... It may be tacky but I always say you are more than welcome to attend the ceremony, unfortunately our reception is for family and close friends only...lol

mari0225

I had one girl ask if she was in my bridal party! I was like, "Were you asked?" LOL that would be a big clue! Then she asked for her daughter to be my flower girl, I said "Sorry already have two."

Crazy!

ritakelly

Well I think I may have mis-represented.

My friend (who I am still really close with) is invited and she is the one who is throwing the bridal shower. She asked me if her mom could come to the shower.

I love my friend and as I said she would be my second BM if we were having more than 1. I just didn't plan to invite her parents to my wedding at all. I can't invite them to the ceremony only because its all at the same venue.

My mom (who is not very big on etiquette) said to say yes and then only invite them to the wedding if someone (either my friend or her mom) says something about it. I feel like the best way to deal with it is to just say yes; but I hate being a pushover and I think it will be rude to invite her to the shower and not invite her to the wedding.

em01092

Do what you want and don't let other people influence who you want there. Its hard but you have to stand your ground.

If you didn't plan on inviting her mother to the wedding, just tell your friend so and tell her that it'd be weird to have her at the shower and not the wedding. If she is still ok with coming knowing you are "keeping it intimate", then that's her prerogative. You can give in for etiquette's sake, but you run the risk of running up your guest list this way should there be any other instances like this. If she is the only one and you're sure, you'll probably be fine.  

em01092

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_georgia-atlanta_just-first-person-ask-invited-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:58Discussion:6225f163-e634-43da-ae45-546d404475dfPost:c9708a52-0ac3-4319-aa5c-445948e62a1f">Re: So... I just had the first person to ask me if they are invited to my wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Well I think I may have mis-represented. My friend (who I am still really close with) is invited and she is the one who is throwing the bridal shower. She asked me if her mom could come to the shower. I love my friend and as I said she would be my second BM if we were having more than 1. I just didn't plan to invite her parents to my wedding at all. I can't invite them to the ceremony only because its all at the same venue. My mom (who is not very big on etiquette) said to say yes and<strong> then only invite them to the wedding if someone (either my friend or her mom) says something about it.</strong> I feel like the best way to deal with it is to just say yes; but I hate being a pushover and I think it will be rude to invite her to the shower and not invite her to the wedding.
Posted by ritakelly[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>I'm confused by this. Do you mean just to the ceremony? Because I thought you said your reception is in the same place?</div><div>Or did you mean only invite them, as in no other parents of friends?

</div>

ritakelly

I mean: my mom says say yes to the shower now. Then don't invite her to the wedding unless at some point before the wedding one of them says something about it.

My mom thinks I can just get away with being friendly about it now and then ignoring it and if it does end up being a bid deal just apologising and saying something like "oh I completely forgot because I didn't have parents on my original guest list" and just act like it was a mistake that I didn't invite the parents to the wedding.

I'm not really excited about that option; I think it may be a little on the rude side.

kjones84

I agree. My future MIL allowed her friends to host parties for us that were not on the guest list for the wedding and it was really awkward. She assured me that that was the way things are done in a small town, so I made it very clear that they were not invited to the wedding and they still decided to do it anyways.

I would explain to your friend that you would love to have her mom attend the shower, but that it might be awkward since she is not invited to the wedding (here you can add in the fact that its a small wedding with close friends and family only!) then let her make the decision about whether it would be awkward or not.

em01092

Yeah I would just be up front about it. But I see what your mom is saying. 

It just depends on how much you care about your friend's mom being hurt and offended. Do you think it would jeopardize your friendship with the girl? Just weigh your options. 

My_Matt

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_georgia-atlanta_just-first-person-ask-invited-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:58Discussion:6225f163-e634-43da-ae45-546d404475dfPost:eb2bccef-264f-4d42-b33b-f5c941c93a01">Re: So... I just had the first person to ask me if they are invited to my wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I had one girl ask if she was in my bridal party! I was like, "Were you asked?" LOL that would be a big clue! Then she asked for her daughter to be my flower girl, I said "Sorry already have two." Crazy!
Posted by mari0225[/QUOTE]

Someone asked you if their kid could be the flower girl?! How tacky!

mari0225

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_georgia-atlanta_just-first-person-ask-invited-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:58Discussion:6225f163-e634-43da-ae45-546d404475dfPost:01aa86bf-99fc-495c-a2e3-6e6df953f225">Re: So... I just had the first person to ask me if they are invited to my wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: So... I just had the first person to ask me if they are invited to my wedding : Someone asked you if their kid could be the flower girl?! How tacky!
Posted by My_Matt[/QUOTE]

They did! I was shocked!

chrissyinatl

Ummmm my sister-in-law had my nephew ask me "Can I carry your rings?" Apparently she's pretty upset that I haven't asked her kids to be in my wedding.  Ummm, for the record, I didn't ask ANY kids to be in the wedding.

mari0225

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_georgia-atlanta_just-first-person-ask-invited-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:58Discussion:6225f163-e634-43da-ae45-546d404475dfPost:76baea92-e817-4765-bcd7-3090028e457e">Re: So... I just had the first person to ask me if they are invited to my wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]Ummmm my sister-in-law had my nephew ask me "Can I carry your rings?" Apparently she's pretty upset that I haven't asked her kids to be in my wedding.  Ummm, for the record, I didn't ask ANY kids to be in the wedding.
Posted by chrissyinatl[/QUOTE]

I would tell my sister that, "I'm sorry but I haven't asked any kids." It  wasn't fair she asked her son to ask you. I didn't want a ring bearer, the last wedding I was at the ring bearer aged 7 lost the rings, we were able to find them but the bride was crying and the groom pissed off. In the end I did say okay for FI as it's his best friends son but we are getting those fake rings and he can carry those lol.

chrissyinatl

Yeah it's actually my sister IN LAW, whom I don't really have a relationship with.  She even called my SISTER and asked if I was having HER kids in the wedding (which I am not - and my sister is fine with).  I guess she thought that I asked my sister's kids to be in the wedding but not my brother's (her) kids?

I have a friend that had too many ringbearers/flower girls to pick from --- that she's having something like 7 kids in her wedding.  Eeek!

ritakelly

I have never heard of giving the kids the actual rings. I think that would be a HUGE recipe for disaster.
The last wedding I was in there were 2 ring bearers (the brides nephews). They were VERY young. One pulled the other in a wagon down the isle. Then they both sat in the wagon for the ceremony. (There was also a flower girl.) All of the kids were bribed with candy to stay still / silent during the ceremony. I had candy and so did 1 of the groomsmen. I was careful to slowly keep feeding the flower girl her candy. The groomsman instead plopped a BIG handful of candy in the wagon. It was so obvious and funny!! I kind of  wish I was having kids for the fun unexpectedness of it but don't have any that I'm really close with.