Canada-Ontario

Need some support

Hey all,
I have two sisters and we decided a long time ago that we would be each others' maid of honour.  My older sister got married four years ago and I was her MOH. I am getting married on February 18 and my younger sister will be mine and when my younger sister gets married, my older sister will be hers.  This way, we take turns and it's fair.
The problem I am having is that my sister isn't very supportive, she's never around and she hasn't done very much since I got engaged.  When my sister got engaged I was always there for her and put together an hour-long powerpoint slide show of pictures from her and her fiance's (now husband's) childhoods and their relationship.
I have tried talking to her about it and she says that I just need to ask for her help but I feel like she should go out of her way for me.  I don't want to nag or ask her to be around all the time so instead I'm planning most of the stuff by myself or with my older sister. 
I'm really hurt by this and feel as though I am getting a bum deal by having her as my MOH because she isn't putting in any effort.  Am I being unreasonable? 
I definitely don't want to be a bridezilla! I'd rather do things by myself than cause an argument. I'd love to hear some feedback from other brides.
Thanks :)

Re: Need some support

  • edited December 2011
    I got engaged 3 weeks ago and have decided to wait until after our engagement party (this fall) before choosing the wedding party. I have 2 younger sisters and we've always told each other that we'd be each others MOH like you!! Both my sisters aren't the best at returning phone calls or emails so I am nervous to see what they'll be like as MOH...
    Take a deep breath - your sister is not doing this to frustrate you. Are there specific tasks that she can help you with? Maybe give her a concrete task instead of just telling her to help in general. If she's like my sisters, it's just not her personality to go out of her way (like me). But that doesn't mean she doesn't love you and won't be there to support you along the way. She will just be doing it in a different way. 
    I need to keep telling myself that so I prepare myself for wedding planning with them!!
  • edited December 2011

    Hmm, I think I could probably try giving her some specific tasks.  I guess I just don't want to be called bossy or a bridezilla! I've never been that great at asking for help but I'll  give it a try.
    Thanks so much for the encouragement.  I've been feeling like no one else understands me until I got the great idea to post my thoughts on here!

  • edited December 2011
    hour-long powerpoint! wow.....
  • Jewel224Jewel224 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I agree with sarah - it sounds like your sister needs to be given a project or something to do.  The MOH and the rest of the bridal party are there to support you through this process and to assist you with whatever you need help with. 

    You have to remember that your bridal party won't be able to read your mind and as Sarah said, they're not you.  Think about what you specifically need help with in your planning process and then think about what duties you want to do yourself and what you can delegate to your MOH and the rest of your bridal party.  If you want her/them to do a powerpoint presentation for the reception, then ask her/them.  You can't expect things of people when they don't know what you want.  You have to set the expectations and let them know what you need of them.  This way, everyone knows and understands what their role is in your wedding and it will hopefully ease some of your stress. 

  • LittlinLittlin member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    You need to give her a task to do - she shouldn't need to just know what you need.  It was super nice that you did that for your older sister, but you cannot at all expect your younger sister to do that for you - you are not the same person, and you went above and beyond the call of duty.  If you want something done, and it is specific, I'm sure she'll be more than happy to do it for you.  Until then, she is going to be so happy for you and excited for the big day - that's all she is really expected to do!  
  • edited December 2011
    Very true about your family being helpful!! I'm in the same boat as sbonotto in the sense that my Wedding Party will be my Family.

    As a type A person - I find it hard to delegate but I know that I will have to. If you have good ideas with specific tasks sisters can do, please let me know! Suggestions are always helpful because I tend to feel like I need to do everything LOL

  • LittlinLittlin member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    For me I asked my mom and MIL if there was anything specific THEY would like to help with.  My mom wanted to help with the invitation design and favours, plus all the flowers, and my MIL wanted to help with the gift-bags for the people staying over at the hotel.  My MIL did that completely on her own and it was wonderful.  My mom helped assemble everything with me because she knows I wouldn't just give up the responsibility completely.

    My brother is getting married next summer, and she delegated to her sister making the wedding website with all the details, which worked out great because she's not a tech person.  I've also helped her pull some inspiration boards with her colours and given her some ideas about decor for a destination wedding.

    My MOH is very busy, like me, but she, along with a few friends, planned a girls bachelorette weekend at the cottage, and attended one shower, that's really all she did, and I didn't expect anything more.  2 of DH's groomsmen did the boy's weekend.

    My family did come with us for the food tasting and some visits and meetings to the venue, and we formed the guest list together, and they had lots of contribution and brainstorming of ideas, but I executed the majority of it.  DH did the design of the seating chart, table names and menus.  

    Looking back, I probably could have delegated more, and I was so crazy busy up until the day before, but honestly, come the actual day, I was so organized that I did absolutely nothing but enjoy the day.  I was my own wedding planner and had schedules for everyone.  Each person who needed one had the details, and made sure that neither myself or DH had to do anything - it was WONDERFUL!
  • APW2010APW2010 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Don't forget you can use technology to help here too. Make meetings for stuff you are doing that you'd appreciate her coming along, so you can send her invites - she can decline if she's busy, but you are keeping her in the loop on what you are doing. Use something like a google account where you can share documents and give her access to your To Do lists, your inspiration links, and so on. This way, she can see what your are working on or what still needs to be done and can choose what she'd like to do to help.
    We made lists of everything from readings to guest addresses to vendor contact info to schedules and gave family & wedding party access to whatever they needed and it was so simple for them to help out this way.
  • edited December 2011
    I have a similar arrangement with my sister, and she is alays busy. I have just let her be and done things on my own and gone to my sister when I really need help. I.e. I had 1 day to get my invitations out and needed help because I had other stuff that night and she helped me. I think that even if she is not there for the little things she will be when it really matters, mine has been there when I needed her. I think that if you express your feelings to her, and let her know you really want her to help and let her know when things are happening she will be there, afterall you chose her because she is one of your best friends. Good Luck, I am sure she will be there when you really need her to be.
  • edited December 2011
    I understand what you all are saying.  I guess I was hoping that she would take some initiative and maybe surprise me.  I definitely don't want to ask for a powerpoint, it takes the personal touch out of it.  But you're right, I can't expect her to be like me.
    There are several things I can handle on my own, I don't want to keep asking for her help repeatedly.  I just wish she was a little more involved, without being asked. Maybe it's unreasonable of me to expect everyone around me to be so enthusiastic about weddings, but I love them, whether it's mine, my sister's or another family member's.
  • Jewel224Jewel224 member
    Knottie Warrior 500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    As the MOH, that's what she's there for - you ask and her role is to help you when you need it.

    Keep in mind that your sister is in a different place than you.  I'm sure she's excited about your wedding but she does have her own life.  And who knows, maybe she will surprise you with something.  Maybe she's not great with projects or with coming up with creative things.  She has her own strengths and her weaknesses, just accept her as she is.  Generally, with younger sisters - I have two of my own - they're just use to being told what to do but with whatever project their given, my sisters do a great job of it and are creative in their own ways.

    Think of it this way as well - your sister, knowing you're a Type A personality, may be reluctant to initiate things because she may feel that she won't live up to your expectations so she may prefer to have things delegated to her.
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