I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic

Riss91

Starting our your marriage with lies is not the way. If the valid Catholic marriage is important to your FI, you should really discuss how you can make it work. As a couple. A couple that is going to be committed to each other for life. If your FI is not concerned about a valid Catholic marriage, then you shouldn't "use" the Church insincerely. Doing so is distasteful and offensive to the Church and its followers.

Not having a valid Catholic marriage will mean your FI will no longer be able to receive sacraments such as communion. If you plan to raise your children according to the faith, this could be a problem.

Anyway, I hope you re-think some of what you've mentioned in this post. Really discuss these issues and do not lie as it doesn't solve the problem.

geographtea

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_im-an-atheist-marrying-a-catholic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:3dbe55bd-27b9-4614-b214-f357a64b25d2Post:97cd1b25-be3f-4e5b-ba80-e403effad3f0">Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic</a>:
[QUOTE]Clearly I'm going to have to lie either way no, as otehrs have said, you need to talk to your FI and come to agreement.  if you agree on a catholic wedding, then you both need to meet with a priest and be honest with him abour your beliefs and concerns and what it will mean for your marriage.  he will give guidance (although you might not like it) on the best way to proceed. <strong>honestly, as the catholic, your FI is the one who should be figuring out the ceremony.  in a way, its not even fair he's having you do this as the burden to validly marry is on him as teh catholic, not you. </strong>
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

Even if I am honest with the priest, do you think they would still marry us? Can they refuse to do so if I listen to all of their guidence and I still don't believe in god or Jesus Christ?

Thanks for that last thought because it's a very good point, and I will talk to him about that later today. In his defense, he didn't really ask me, but it's just a detail that really stresses me out, because at the end of the day I do respect his beliefs, but like I've said it is very frustrating to me that it seems like the church won't allow us to meet in the middle..

Riss91

There's no such thing as a "terrible Catholic". Don't judge him as such and don't assume we would judge him in this way.

Calypso1977

OP, i had a priest tell me that there is a suprisingly high number of catholics, many who attend mass regularly, who for some reason dont understand the marriage requirement and think its ok to marry outside the church, not understanding it bars them from sacraments.  so your FI isnt alone.

geographtea

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_im-an-atheist-marrying-a-catholic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:3dbe55bd-27b9-4614-b214-f357a64b25d2Post:c6d597db-ea18-4283-9780-f9c377dd7407">Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic</a>:
[QUOTE]There's no such thing as a "terrible Catholic". Don't judge him as such and don't assume we would judge him in this way.
Posted by Riss91[/QUOTE]

Sorry, I did assume you guys would because that's the type of interaction I've had with catholics in the past. <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-undecided.gif" border="0" alt="Undecided" title="Undecided" />

Calypso1977

Even if I am honest with the priest, do you think they would still marry us? Can they refuse to do so if I listen to all of their guidence and I still don't believe in god or Jesus Christ?

you wont know unless you ask one!  seriously, look up a catholic church in your town.  call and make an appointment.  they wont turn you away from meeting with you. 

Riss91

You will need one Catholic party to be married in the Church. You will also need to complete the pre-marital preparation as required by the Church. I don't know what happens to a non-practicing Catholic marrying a practicing Catholic.

Be open and honest with your priest. But DON'T speak with negativity or defensiveness. Be kind and caring. If you are understanding with him, he should be with you. Whether he can accomodate you is another story.

professorscience

OP, no one accused your FI of being a bad Catholic.  It is the result of poor formation that many Catholics who attend mass every Sunday and every holy day do not know that a Catholic cannot marry outside of the church.

I really hope, like Riss said, that you will really take some time to really discuss the place of faith in your home.  If your FI is wanting to raise the children Catholic, but you are adamantly against having a "religious home," then you are standing in his way, and that's really unfair.  I'm not saying that you are the only one who has to bend here, but you both seem like you have a lot to talk about.

I'm sorry if you feel like we're being harsh or judgmental.  I think all the ladies here have been pretty gentle with you.

Riss91

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_im-an-atheist-marrying-a-catholic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:3dbe55bd-27b9-4614-b214-f357a64b25d2Post:df04a8cb-69cc-4b21-b6f4-6761943c2fd9">Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic : Sorry, I did assume you guys would because that's the type of interaction I've had with catholics in the past.
Posted by geographtea[/QUOTE]

Well, those Catholics need to realize that judging a person is not acceptable to our faith. We are called to judge ACTIONS, not PEOPLE.
<img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-wink.gif" border="0" alt="Wink" title="Wink" />

professorscience

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_im-an-atheist-marrying-a-catholic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:3dbe55bd-27b9-4614-b214-f357a64b25d2Post:1c516140-35fb-4e60-8a4a-79f130221158">Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic</a>:
[QUOTE]Even if I am honest with the priest, do you think they would still marry us? Can they refuse to do so if I listen to all of their guidence and I still don't believe in god or Jesus Christ? you wont know unless you ask one!  seriously, look up a catholic church in your town.  call and make an appointment.  they wont turn you away from meeting with you. 
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

<div>This x1000</div>

geographtea

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_im-an-atheist-marrying-a-catholic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:3dbe55bd-27b9-4614-b214-f357a64b25d2Post:9a62d338-097f-470d-b3c9-3794f596c3fb">Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic</a>:
[QUOTE]OP, no one accused your FI of being a bad Catholic.  It is the result of poor formation that many Catholics who attend mass every Sunday and every holy day do not know that a Catholic cannot marry outside of the church. I really hope, like Riss said, that you will really take some time to really discuss the place of faith in your home.  If your FI is wanting to raise the children Catholic, but you are adamantly against having a "religious home," then you are standing in his way, and that's really unfair.  I'm not saying that you are the only one who has to bend here, but you both seem like you have a lot to talk about. I'm sorry if you feel like we're being harsh or judgmental.  I think all the ladies here have been pretty gentle with you.
Posted by professorscience[/QUOTE]

We have talked about it a lot, a lot, a lot, and we are at an agreement about how he can raise them catholic. The compromise on my part is that he will get to raise them catholic. As we have discussed many, many times, the catholic upbringing will be done by him, and only him, and I will try my best not to undermine him, but I am not perfect., He agrees that they will be allowed to question it.. and it can be up to him to answer those questions. What does "religious home" even mean?

professorscience

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_im-an-atheist-marrying-a-catholic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:3dbe55bd-27b9-4614-b214-f357a64b25d2Post:4181eb98-7935-4064-8507-64954661f934">Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic : We have talked about it a lot, a lot, a lot, and we are at an agreement about how he can raise them catholic. The compromise on my part is that he will get to raise them catholic. As we have discussed many, many times, the catholic upbringing will be done by him, and only him, and I will try my best not to undermine him, but I am not perfect., He agrees that they will be allowed to question it.. and it can be up to him to answer those questions. What does "religious home" even mean?
Posted by geographtea[/QUOTE]

<div>Forgive me, did you not say you will not have religion in your home?</div>

Calypso1977

a religious home, for me, is where God is present.  there may be a crucifix on the wall, many often say grace before meals, family prayer time, attending mass together as a family.  its again, more of a lifestyle - knowing that God is there, placing hope, faith and trust in him.  having something to turn to in times of need.

i personally could never ever marry an atheist.  i just couldnt do it.  are you a bad person?  no.  but it would be very painful for me to be with someone who rejects my faith and teh life ive tried to lead based on my faith.  and id worry constantly for that person's soul in the afterlife.

geographtea

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_im-an-atheist-marrying-a-catholic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:3dbe55bd-27b9-4614-b214-f357a64b25d2Post:7ba0d4bc-8ed1-4587-ac6a-c85323206c5b">Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic : Forgive me, did you not say you will not have religion in your home?
Posted by professorscience[/QUOTE]
What I mean when I say that is I won't have any part in it.

jenjlgsings

Keep in mind that if you do marry in the Catholic church, you will both have to attend a Pre-Cana program as part of your marriage preparation.  It will vary depending on the church or diocese, but you will be exposed to a great deal of discussion on the sacramental aspect of marriage, God's role in your lives together along with topics like natural family planning. 

chelseamb11

This is definitely a picky situation, especially based on what I've seen here.

Geo, I think the best thing you can take away from this is this:
Go talk to a priest, both you and your FI together.  I know you are terrified of not being "allowed" to get married or married in the church, or of the priest who is going to marry you guys judging you.  As long as you approach the situation with openness, the priest will be just as open about you and with you.  I DO believe you both can be married and have a happy marriage.  You just need to find that common ground that works for his faith and your lack of faith.  And you'll never find it on an internet forum.  YOu need to find it between a priest and the two of you.

The one thing I urge you to consider is this: You are EXTREMELY adamant about your lack of views (which is totally fine, and completely your right).  Your husband to be is just as adamant about HAVING those views.  So as uncomfortable as it is for you to have anything to do with faith, it's probably just as hard for him if you try to remove faith from the ceremony and his life in general.  He needs to decide (before you meet with the priest) how important it is to him to have a valid Catholic ceremony.  You asking him to remove most (or all) aspects of God from the ceremony is just as ridiculous as him asking you to take communion right now.  There needs to be a little give and take.  You love this man enough to marry him, so love him enough to help him along in his faith, even if you don't believe it yourself.

The main job of a husband or wife is to get their spouse to heaven.  So, think of it as you doing what you can to help him get to the heaven HE believes in (even if you dont' believe it).  The faith your FI believes in and wants to follow requires that he do certain things in his life. Help him to do those things. 

My little brother is a huge atheist as well, but he once sent my mom a religiously-inclined card when she was going through a hard time.  My mom was shocked and aske dhim why he wiould send a card he doesn't believe.  He said, "Mom, YOU believe it, and it's enough for me to want you to feel better in a way you believe".  (He did this at the age of 18 mind you. Bless that kid's heart!)

Sorry this was long and rambly.  I personally think your heart is totally in the right place and I think that's great.  Just be open and understand you love a man who has beliefs on the total opposite end of the spectrum compared to you, so this IS going to be hard.  But with some work and some compromise (where possible), you can make this happen.

geographtea

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_im-an-atheist-marrying-a-catholic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:3dbe55bd-27b9-4614-b214-f357a64b25d2Post:66520f0b-3ca7-476a-817b-59d83418f8b4">Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic</a>:
[QUOTE]This is definitely a picky situation, especially based on what I've seen here. Geo, I think the best thing you can take away from this is this: Go talk to a priest, both you and your FI together.  I know you are terrified of not being "allowed" to get married or married in the church, or of the priest who is going to marry you guys judging you.  As long as you approach the situation with openness, the priest will be just as open about you and with you.  I DO believe you both can be married and have a happy marriage.  You just need to find that common ground that works for his faith and your lack of faith.  And you'll never find it on an internet forum.  YOu need to find it between a priest and the two of you. The one thing I urge you to consider is this: You are EXTREMELY adamant about your lack of views (which is totally fine, and completely your right).  Your husband to be is just as adamant about HAVING those views.  So as uncomfortable as it is for you to have anything to do with faith, it's probably just as hard for him if you try to remove faith from the ceremony and his life in general.  He needs to decide (before you meet with the priest) how important it is to him to have a valid Catholic ceremony.  You asking him to remove most (or all) aspects of God from the ceremony is just as ridiculous as him asking you to take communion right now.  There needs to be a little give and take.  You love this man enough to marry him, so love him enough to help him along in his faith, even if you don't believe it yourself. The main job of a husband or wife is to get their spouse to heaven.  So, think of it as you doing what you can to help him get to the heaven HE believes in (even if you dont' believe it).  The faith your FI believes in and wants to follow requires that he do certain things in his life. Help him to do those things.  My little brother is a huge atheist as well, but he once sent my mom a religiously-inclined card when she was going through a hard time.  My mom was shocked and aske dhim why he wiould send a card he doesn't believe.  He said, "Mom, YOU believe it, and it's enough for me to want you to feel better in a way you believe".  (He did this at the age of 18 mind you. Bless that kid's heart!) Sorry this was long and rambly.  I personally think your heart is totally in the right place and I think that's great.  Just be open and understand you love a man who has beliefs on the total opposite end of the spectrum compared to you, so this IS going to be hard.  But with some work and some compromise (where possible), you can make this happen.
Posted by chelseamb11[/QUOTE]

Thanks for your input. That story about your brother is very touching, what a great kid.

geographtea

Just to let this subject rest:

Just want to thank everyone for your input, as my fiance has looked over this message thread (and especially the other one in the ceremony forum). With some discussion between the two of us, he has realized that a catholic ceremony is not as important to him as he previously thought it was. We are still going to go speak with a priest, but if the things you've said (especially what people in the other thread have mentioned) are really true, he is 100% fine with not having a catholic marriage, and is even considering converting to a more understanding branch of christianity.  I'm so happy I could cry! Well I actually am crying...

agapecarrie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_im-an-atheist-marrying-a-catholic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:3dbe55bd-27b9-4614-b214-f357a64b25d2Post:acfd6d90-2d9c-469f-9997-e4284790bd6f">Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic</a>:
[QUOTE]Just to let this subject rest: Just want to thank everyone for your input, as my fiance has looked over this message thread (and especially the other one in the ceremony forum). With some discussion between the two of us, he has realized that a catholic ceremony is not as important to him as he previously thought it was. We are still going to go speak with a priest, but if the things you've said (especially what people in the other thread have mentioned) are really true, he is 100% fine with not having a catholic marriage, and is even considering converting to a more understanding branch of christianity.  I'm so happy I could cry! Well I actually am crying...
Posted by geographtea[/QUOTE]

<div>As I said, there were TONS of misinformation inaccuracies in the other thread.</div><div>
</div><div>2nd--- Catholic faith is THE MOST understanding branch of Christianity. </div>

shawna127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_im-an-atheist-marrying-a-catholic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:3dbe55bd-27b9-4614-b214-f357a64b25d2Post:acfd6d90-2d9c-469f-9997-e4284790bd6f">Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic</a>:
[QUOTE]Just to let this subject rest: Just want to thank everyone for your input, as my fiance has looked over this message thread (and especially the other one in the ceremony forum). With some discussion between the two of us, he has realized that a catholic ceremony is not as important to him as he previously thought it was. We are still going to go speak with a priest, but if the things you've said (especially what people in the other thread have mentioned) are really true, he is 100% fine with not having a catholic marriage,<strong> and is even considering converting to a more understanding branch of christianity.</strong>  I'm so happy I could cry! Well I actually am crying...
Posted by geographtea[/QUOTE]

After all the nice help and guidance these girls gave you, I thought this was pretty rude to say, especially since these girls are all clearly catholic. 

Calypso1977

yes, its pretty ignorant and offensive to say our faith is not "understanding".

geographtea

Well sorry to offend you, that is not what I meant, but from where I stand the church is not very understanding of where I come from at all. I am offended that I am clearly not allowed to say what I feel here. And with that I will never post on these forums again.

chelseamb11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_im-an-atheist-marrying-a-catholic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:3dbe55bd-27b9-4614-b214-f357a64b25d2Post:a82920f5-d2a6-4b19-9805-88a86becc260">Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic</a>:
[QUOTE]yes, its pretty ignorant and offensive to say our faith is not "understanding".
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

I don't think she meant we aren't understanding.  I think she means they will find a faith where it's easier to make their own rules.

geographtea

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_im-an-atheist-marrying-a-catholic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:3dbe55bd-27b9-4614-b214-f357a64b25d2Post:1a156f2b-8811-44d7-9d98-49e16c8d66a2">Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic : I don't think she meant we aren't understanding.  I think she means they will find a faith where it's easier to make their own rules.
Posted by chelseamb11[/QUOTE]

That is EXACTLY what I mean by that. Thank you.

chelseamb11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_im-an-atheist-marrying-a-catholic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:3dbe55bd-27b9-4614-b214-f357a64b25d2Post:7c94769e-7d41-4d93-bd33-ea05e330699d">Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic</a>:
[QUOTE]Well sorry to offend you, but from where I stand it is not understanding at all. I am offended that I am clearly not allowed to say what I feel here. And with that I will never post on these forums again.
Posted by geographtea[/QUOTE]

We never said you couldn't say what you feel. I'm offended that you even insinuate that none of us have been udnerstanding.  We gave you some AWESOME advice to try and make you as comfortable as possible all while making sure your FI is firm in his faith. 

Calypso1977

Well sorry to offend you, but from where I stand it is not understanding at all. I am offended that I am clearly not allowed to say what I feel here. And with that I will never post on these forums again.

all we told you were what the rules were (as did the girls on the Ceremony board).  if you look, all answers from both boards were consistent.  

im sorry if we didnt just tell you what you wanted to hear, but we told you the truth and sometimes the truth hurts.

shawna127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_im-an-atheist-marrying-a-catholic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:3dbe55bd-27b9-4614-b214-f357a64b25d2Post:1a156f2b-8811-44d7-9d98-49e16c8d66a2">Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic : I don't think she meant we aren't understanding.  I think she means they will find a faith where it's easier to make their own rules.
Posted by chelseamb11[/QUOTE]

ahh, I see.  The "feel good" do whatever you want churches, got it!

geographtea

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_im-an-atheist-marrying-a-catholic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:3dbe55bd-27b9-4614-b214-f357a64b25d2Post:1dfd8c0d-5b88-4777-a5f8-6aa97b49165a">Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic : We never said you couldn't say what you feel. I'm offended that you even insinuate that none of us have been udnerstanding.  We gave you some AWESOME advice to try and make you as comfortable as possible all while making sure your FI is firm in his faith. 
Posted by chelseamb11[/QUOTE]
<em><strong>I</strong><strong> do not mean that you all have not been understanding</strong></em>, you have all been very helpful. I 100% mean that the church is not very understanding/accepting of an atheist. I don't really expect them to be either. And when I say a more understanding branch, I mean one that there is more flexibility for a couple like us.

geographtea

When I said I feel like I can't express what I feel, it's because my words are constantly being nitpicked and and taken the wrong way. And now I am really done with the forum. Wow..

chelseamb11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_im-an-atheist-marrying-a-catholic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:3dbe55bd-27b9-4614-b214-f357a64b25d2Post:bcb9079c-aa6d-4bcd-8372-a7fbc99e96ae">Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic : That is EXACTLY what I mean by that. Thank you.
Posted by geographtea[/QUOTE]

You're digging yourself a hole here, dear.
Jesus started his church with Peter.  THe history of the Papacy can LITERALLY be traced back to Peter.  Jesus started the Catholic church.  Jesus/God makes the rules.  Humans don't.  Any religion that lets you make your own rules is literally telling you that your feelings and beliefs are more important than the teachings of Christ.