I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic

chelseamb11

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_im-an-atheist-marrying-a-catholic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:3dbe55bd-27b9-4614-b214-f357a64b25d2Post:abd2252d-b252-4876-b16d-991494326327">Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic</a>:
[QUOTE]When I said I feel like I can't express what I feel, it's because my words are constantly being nitpicked and and taken the wrong way. And now I am really done with the forum. Wow..
Posted by geographtea[/QUOTE]

But you haven't even TRIED! Like I said, you can't expect to get your answers on an internet forum.  Go talk to a priest! Don't be so quick to run away from a faith you claim is really important to your FI.  Nobody here has nitpicked anything. And nobody here has given you crap for being atheist. We've been EXTREMELY understanding

geographtea

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_im-an-atheist-marrying-a-catholic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:3dbe55bd-27b9-4614-b214-f357a64b25d2Post:38474e1e-3225-4be0-a1ae-1e6385ff265a">Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic : You're digging yourself a hole here, dear. Jesus started his church with Peter.  THe history of the Papacy can LITERALLY be traced back to Peter.  Jesus started the Catholic church.  Jesus/God makes the rules.  Humans don't.  Any religion that lets you make your own rules is literally telling you that your feelings and beliefs are more important than the teachings of Christ.
Posted by chelseamb11[/QUOTE]

I'm just going to throw it out there that I actually believe humans made those rules, and made up the bible to control the population. Consider that I might feel differently than you do on that subject. And in my opinon, my feelings and beliefs ARE more important than the teachings of Christ.

We are still meeting with a priest, so calm down.

Riss91

I can sympathize....

Our Church, faith, integrity and compassion has been nit-picked here (and on the other board?) through falsification of Church doctrine. Our Church accepts all, but it doesn't allow you to stomp all over its doctrine and belief system. Upholding its own rules is not the same as "not accepting or understanding" someone of a different belief system.

I hope you guys can grow in your relationship through this experience. And please - don't believe nasty things about a religion bc somone on an internet board said so. Do your own research before you judge something. Best wishes and you are welcome to ask us questions whenever you would like!

Tami87

Well it seems I am quite late to the party and honestly I am surprised that your fiance changed his mind about being married in the church. I think religion and the raising of any future children is something you should continue to discuss as you prepare for marriage, as it is something that will continue to come up. Even if you don't end up doing the pre-cana marriage prep, I would highly recommend looking into doing some sort of premarital counseling even if it is secular. Not because I think your relationship in particular needs it, but I think it is something every couple preparing for marriage should do and I personally really enjoyed our engagement encounter retreat and having time to really talk with my husband (then FI) without all the other everyday distractions.

I wanted to say that my parents were married in the Catholic church even though my dad was (and to this day is) an unbaptised agnostic. Growing up my mom took me to mass and enrolled me in school of religion classes. My dad did not take an active role in my religious education, but he didn't undermine my mother either. He attends mass with us occasionally (Christmas, Easter, my first communion, when we visit my mom's  parents, etc). A mixed marriage can work, but it isn't always easy.

It sounds like you have been hurt or felt looked down upon my religious people and Catholics in the past and I'm sorry for that. None of us are perfect. If your FI has any interest in continuing to practice his Catholic faith I would really encourage you to just go to talk to priest and be open and honest about your situation and reservations.

femme55

Even though OP was baptized Catholic, is there a way for her to "disavow" he religion so that she can now be considered non-Catholic and her FI can get a dispensation for a wedding outside the church as a Catholic marrying a non-Catholic?  Then her FI could still have a wedding recognized by the church but it would be less "scary" for OP.

professorscience

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_im-an-atheist-marrying-a-catholic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:3dbe55bd-27b9-4614-b214-f357a64b25d2Post:4354a811-47de-49a2-82c7-b0d7aa43f93a">Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic</a>:
[QUOTE]Even though OP was baptized Catholic, is there a way for her to "disavow" he religion so that she can now be considered non-Catholic and her FI can get a dispensation for a wedding outside the church as a Catholic marrying a non-Catholic?  Then her FI could still have a wedding recognized by the church but it would be less "scary" for OP.
Posted by femme55@hotmail.com[/QUOTE]

<div>I think it maybe was possible a while ago to "disavow" the Church, but I don't think it's recognized anymore.  Once a Catholic, always a Catholic, at least in name, I guess.</div>

Resa77

Just in case OP is lurking, I just want to say that I totally understand what you meant by the Catholic Church not being the most "understanding."  People can nit-pick the meaning of the word "understanding," but in modern society, understanding is often taken to mean "giving one what they want" or "approving of something/someone."  When you said you wanted to find a more "understanding" church (or rather, that your FI wants to), I believe you meant "a church that makes concessions for people."  It annoys me on a certain level, because it seems like you're insulting my church, but in a way, I know you're right.  In modern terms, the Catholic Church isn't "understanding."  It doesn't bend and break to give people what they want, because it stands for truth.  Whether you agree it's true or not, if we as Catholics believe something to be true, then we can't go against that truth in order to be "understanding."  Whether you believe in our Church or not, I hope you can respect that we don't back down on what we hold true.   Good luck!

shawna127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_im-an-atheist-marrying-a-catholic?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:3dbe55bd-27b9-4614-b214-f357a64b25d2Post:e5b5675f-0f99-4cdf-8bb8-f38c58a640cb">Re: I'm an Atheist Marrying a Catholic</a>:
[QUOTE]OP, if I were an outsider looking in, I could appreciate how you may think the women commenting on this thread are judgemental and harsh.  Let me draw an analogy of what I experience when I read your comments (and what I imagine the other women here may feel). Let's say your family has lived in a house for years - ever since you can remember.  You love this house and have so many memories in it.  You have certain way of how things go in your house and they are all precious to you.  They may seem nit-picky or snobby to some people who don't know your family, but to you - the traditions and the home define who you are.  Now, let's say that someone in your family brings someone to that house for an occasion (Christmas dinner, for example).  This guest comes into your house and makes it clear he/she doesn't want to be there.  He/she wants to hide your family portraits and refuses to eat at the dining room table that has been in your family for 3 generations.  And this guest claims that he/she respects the family home , but treats it otherwise.   We are a Catholic family.   We belong to the Communion of Saints and consider the Church to be our home.  We love our home dearly.  To see someone attempt to convince a member of our family to leave part of this home (or to attempt to convince us that he isn't really a part of the home) is offensive.  Visit with a priest, please.  Be honest and transparent with him.  He probably won't tell you explicitly to marry or not marry in the church (or at all), but he will help you and your fiance discern your directions.
Posted by TXKristan[/QUOTE]

^Love this!

itzMS

Thanks for the post Kristan! I hope you can save that for when we get a question like this again.

It stinks when trying to help someone who has asked for advice, they reject all the advice because it's not going their way or shaping up to be what they want to hear.

Calypso1977

TX, i love the analogy. 

Jager1219

I just want to add that OP originally posted this topic on the ceremony's board. I referred her here to you ladies figuring you would know more than I and many other posters. If I was inaccurate in my understanding of catholic doctrine and traditions I want you all to know that I didn't mean any offense. I was raised catholic and while I personally don't believe in many of the church's teachings I do consider myself well educated on the subject all though by no means all-knowing. I like to think that I have enough knowledge to speak on the subject but there may have been inaccuracies (which is why I referred her here to you ladies who are more qualifies to speak on the subject). I also have felt that catholics in my past have taken the position that its their way or the highway. I want to say how happy I am for all of your patience and understanding. I have always believed that the basic message of any religion Is to be a good person. I believe that you all were today as well as being extreamly helpful. If you also read the ceremony's board you will see that we all gave the same fundamental advice. Talk to a priest and you can't pick and choose what pieces of a religion you want to follow

s-aries8990

Geo, these ladies are understanding, but you can't come in here, guns blazing, disrespecting their beliefs. I'm a confirmed Catholic, but am struggling with my beliefs, what I agree with, the infallibility of the Bible, the Pope, priests, the requirements for attending church, etc. Check out the Cafeteria Catholic discussion.

They were very understanding and encouraged me to ask questions and press for answers through research and prayer. They most likely respect your beliefs (and respecting doesn't mean agreeing) but they know the Catholic church much better than you or I. It's not that they don't want you to have what you want, it's just that things are what they are. You can either go with a marriage in Church, but you have to do it right, or you can do whatever you want but it won't be valid in the eyes of the Church (I believe valid in the eyes of God is a separate subject, but that is neither here nor there for this particular discusstion).

By all means, ask questions, but don't disrespect these women just because they're telling you that what you want doesn't line up with Catholic doctrine.

When you were 6, did you have a fit every time you mom said that a chocolate bar doesn't count for breakfast? Because that's how I'm seeing this scenario.

professorscience

I like this board.

SarahA203

I'm in your boat! My fiance and I got engaged about a month ago, and he is very much a believing, practicing catholic. I'm very much NOT. But that's OKAY. Don't let all of these people get you down. It always makes me furious when people tell me "that is a SERIOUS issue and you need to talk to a priest asap." Well, no, it's not a serious issue. Not in our relationship. We both respect each others' views, talk about it, and agree to disagree. We love each other for so many reasons other than religion.

Have you met with a priest yet? (Sorry if I missed this detail). Do some research and find a more liberal one (probably a younger priest). We met with my fiance's priest a couple of weeks ago, and there was no talk about what religion I was, only whether I was baptized (I was, Methodist). He will, however, find out once we take the required FOCCUS test and my answers all point that way. We will just talk about it as it comes up. Don't--at all--lie about your faith/lack thereof. There is NO reason to be ashamed of what you believe, and no one should make you feel like those beliefs aren't okay. If they don't accept it, pick up and try another priest.

There will be an issue, however, with not getting married IN an actual church. His priest made it clear that you may either choose a catholic church, or under special approval a non-catholic church, but under no circumstances is a secular location ok. Just consider the idea of getting married in a church. You can adjust which Bible verses are quoted to ones you're okay with (ones that talk about love, or compassion only, not God or Jesus), and things can really work out. Just having it outside of a church won't make the religious part go away. In the end, I know that a wedding in the catholic church really matters to my fiance, so it really matters to me. Regardless of what I believe.