Living Together

Kari1353

My FI and I have been living together for a year and 3 months.  I am Catholic, he is Baptist.  Now looking for churches, a lot of the pastors are saying that they will not marry anyone who is living together.  He and I both share costs on the house, and ALL of his things are in the house.  Some of the churches are saying that if we live in different households, they will still perform the marriage.  We're getting married in October of next year.  I was wondering if anyone else has run into this and what you are doing. 

Note: I'm not looking to be belittled and talked down to just because I'm living with my FI.

Riss91

Welcome!

There are many ladies here who have lived with their FI before marriage. It is up to the priest's discression whether he is comfortable performing the ceremony when  the couple is living together. Some priests are fine with it, some ask that you live "as brother and sister" (meaning sleep in separate beds and abstain until the wedding) and some will simply not be okay with it. I would continue contacting priests until you find one that is willing to work with you.

If you are willing to sleep separately until the wedding, you shouldn't have too much trouble finding someone.

I hope that helps! Best wishes on the rest of your planning and your marriage!

lalaith50

I'm confused. You say "pastors." Are these Baptist pastors, or Catholic pastors? (You haven't explicitly said this, so are you trying to get married in a Catholic church?)

Kari1353

Oops, sorry.  I assumed since writing on the Catholic community board others would take it at Catholic.  So Catholic pastors.

Resa77

Riss is right that it's up to the priest. That being said, I hope you realize that the priests aren't just trying to be big jerks standing in your way.  They are taking the sacrament of marriage seriously, and therefore want to ensure that you enter into marriage in the right state, and with the correct intentions.  Ultimately, they have YOUR best interest in mind when they insist you (or FI) move out.  Whether you agree with their stance, or follow their instructions, is your business.  But I hope you can at least respect where they are coming from

Good luck!!

Jasmine&Rajah

[QUOTE]Note: I'm not looking to be belittled and talked down to just because I'm living with my FI.
Posted by Kari1353[/QUOTE]

You're in luck - I've never seen anyone belittled or talked down to here.  :-)  I've seen doctrine and Truth defended, and explained, and clarified . . . I've seen Christians upholding and uplifting other Christians.  But that's pretty much it.

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding - hope it's joyful and wonderful!

agapecarrie

I would suggest listening to these priests and following their guidence. Don't try to go around it. There are reasons for the rules, and they are all to aid in our salvation.

jfellows82

My FI and I are living together and are getting married in the Catholic church.  Like others said, most priests will perform the ceremony if you are not acting as husband and wife.  FI and I decided to abstain until the wedding even though we had previously been sexually active, and it has been a real blessing in our relationship with each other and with God.  Best of luck to you and your FI!

Resa77

Unrelated, but OP -- I notice you're in Cincinnati?  My parents are from there!  I LOVE Cincinnati!

doctabroccoli

Welcome, Kari!  My H and I lived together for almost 3 years before our wedding.  Our priest was fine with it.  It's ultimately up to you what you want to do to handle this situation, but like others said, this is completely a discretionary thing on the part of a priest.

Kari1353

Thanks ladies.  The note wasn't meant for this board, it was meant more so from things I have read on my city board that say that some of the priests around here will try to make you feel like a bad Catholic for living together.  One of the reasons I think I'm running into this problem is that a lot of the Catholic churches around here are already booked for our day.  So options are starting to be limited.  We already have the reception, DJ, and photographer booked, so we would lose a lot of down payment money.

professorscience

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_living-together-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:467f1462-d20a-4882-ad84-a11a208ca52aPost:8a6c00e2-9579-4d41-9d9c-9032401c2f0e">Re: Living Together</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks ladies.  The note wasn't meant for this board, it was meant more so from things I have read on my city board that say that some of the priests around here will try to make you feel like a bad Catholic for living together.  One of the reasons I think I'm running into this problem is that a lot of the Catholic churches around here are already booked for our day.  So options are starting to be limited.  We already have the reception, DJ, and photographer booked, so we would lose a lot of down payment money.
Posted by Kari1353[/QUOTE]

<div>Most churches (and everyone on this board) will advise you not to set anything in stone until you have your church booked for this reason.  You might talk to your vendors about just moving your day back once you have something settled with a church, that way you don't lose your money.</div>

Kelsee52612

My FI and I are getting married in his family's Catholic parish.  My FFIL's cousin is a priest at a church about an hour away from our city. Most of my FI's family ask this cousin/priest to perform their wedding ceremony-we are no different.  Could something similar be an option for you?  You could reserve a church that you like, and find a priest who's willing to work with you somewhere in your surrounding area to perform the ceremony.  You could offer to pay for any expenses involved with the travel. 

This option has worked out really well for us!  I'm completing the RCIA classes to become a Catholic.  The priest at the church we regularly attend doesn't want me to receive my first Communion/Baptism before the wedding, because my FI and I live together.  This is not the case with the cousin priest.  He's so excited I was wanting to convert and is happy to help me along my journey.  HTH!

Kari1353

I do have a priest coming in from out of town.. He used to be at a local church that my Gpa goes to.  The pastors of certain churches are will not let us use the church if we are living together.  But thanks for that idea.

erin5286

I completely understand your concerns - I'm in a similar situation.  FI and I have been living together for about 1 1/2 years, we had been talking about the possibility of moving in together, and then due to the economy FI's entire office had to take a 20% paycut, and he was no longer going to be able to afford his mortgage, so I moved in.

Now, we're engaged (and also planning an October 2012 wedding ) - we contacted the church and they reserved the date for our wedding, and we've sent in our deposit for the church's fee (a little expensive because we're not registered members, but that is the church we attend and would really like to have the wedding there).  Although I knew the situation would be something we'd have to discuss, I hadn't even thought about the possibility of us being completely denied to have our wedding there.

We should be getting contacted soon by the parish's wedding program coordinator, so I guess we'll find out soon what will happen.  Since we've also already reserved our reception venue if there is a problem with the church we will just have to figure something out.

I'm staying hopeful that all will work out - OP, I'm hoping the same for you!

Riss91

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_living-together-2?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:467f1462-d20a-4882-ad84-a11a208ca52aPost:637a2c94-8540-4762-88f7-1e3ed8f3aad0">Re: Living Together</a>:
[QUOTE]I do have a priest coming in from out of town.. He used to be at a local church that my Gpa goes to.  The pastors of certain churches are will not let us use the church if we are living together.  But thanks for that idea.
Posted by Kari1353[/QUOTE]

Hmm... could you ask the priest that will be performing the ceremony to help you find a church? Perhaps if he calls the parish himself and speaks to the priest/pastor there, he might have better luck?

With the churches that have been turning you down, have you gone in to meet the priest to discuss, or are they just saying "no" over the phone? I would think they would at least discuss the situation with you, offer you advice, etc before giving an answer.

mica178

Have you asked if they would reconsider if you were willing to move to separate bedrooms or have one person sleep on the couch in the living room? 

lv2011

I know the feeling, a little bit. My fiance and I live together also, but we knew we wanted to get married prior to making the move. Our priest was actually his family priest, whom I didn't know at all. Add into that that I was previously married and have a child, and his first impressions of me were pretty low. However, after having met with him several times, including to help me with the annulment process (he's my tribunal advocate now), he knows me much better and is more comfortable with our choices- despite them being contrary to Catholic teachings. For us, things are pretty complicated. I'm going through the annulment process, but we have a wedding date set for October 2012 (which we're not supposed to plan for at all). We live together, but we're trying REALLY hard to abstain and live as "brother and sister" (it's definitely not easy). And even though we have all these conflicting things going on, our priest is being very kind and understanding, and is going to do our pre-cana with us even though the annulment process may not be completed by the wedding date. We're also lucky in that if we can't get married in the Catholic church, our back-up plan is to be married by my minister uncle so it will still be family and faith oriented.

Anyways, the point I'm trying to make is that even though the door seems to be shut in your face right now, try to take the time to get to know these priests, or one you may be comfortable with. You won't change their views, but you may find that having their guidance is helpful. And they may be more willing to guide you to the proper steps and processes for a Catholic marriage if they are able to get to know you better. You have to try and be willing to put yourself out there, especially if it's something you feel strongly about.

Best of luck to you in your engagement and future marriage