What do about ceremony? Parents vs. Fiance

pittpoint1119

I always pictured getting married in my parish. I have been an active member since I was a child and am honored my priest will be marrying my fiance and I. My fiance is not catholic, but does attend church with my family when he is in town and helps out at events with my family and I. My fiance and I talked about not having a full catholic ceremony since he is not converting and does not feel comfortable having communion since the day is all about us. I understand where he is coming from when I went to a wedding with him for his family I was the only one to go up for communion at his counsins wedding. Many of our friends and his family are not catholic meaning they would not go up for communion. My parents and I sat down on Sunday and they asked if we would do the full ceremony so they could take communion as well a few aunts of mine. I talked with my fiance and he told me he is not comfortable at all since he will have to stand there. He understands why my parents would like it, but he feels it is our day, let us do what we want. I have not talked with my parents since. I am afraid if we don't do it, my parents will be upset. Has anyone been in this position or know anyone that has? I don't care either way, but I want to make my fiance and parents happy.

lalaith50

Most priests actually recommend NOT doing a full Mass when one party isn't Catholic. 

I would hope that your parents would see more of the importance of you and your FI being *united* on your wedding day (by not emphasizing that only one of you can receive communion!) than of them wanting to receive communion.

Perhaps you could go to a Saturday morning Mass with your parents the morning of your wedding? (assuming you are getting married on a Saturday?)

agapecarrie

First of all, is your fiance baptized? If he is not baptized, you don't even have the option to have a mass.

2nd, the wedding mass is not there just so people can "take communion". The mass is the highest form of prayer that brings infinite graces, as it is a portal to the crucifixion and resurrection. In addition, receiving the Holy Eucharist is the consumnation with the Lord. It is something to care about. Having a mass offered for your marriage brings graces. It can also be evangelistic. 

The fact that your fiance doesn't want it though I think is what should guide your decision, as well as the guidance from the priest.  You can have your marriage as an intention for a mass that a priest celebrates around the time of your marriage. 

professorscience

PPs are right.  The wedding is about unity, and if one member of the couple can't partake of communion, that's disunitive (is that a word?) right there.  We actually had several people suggest to us that we not have communion (even though H and I are both Catholic) because my whole family is not Catholic and did not partake (my grandparents didn't even come -- but that's a whole other story, not having communion wouldn't have changed their minds).

bibliophile2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_what-do-about-ceremony-parents-vs-fiance?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:6dcbdfbf-8176-4a1e-b627-e13c27a6cdbaPost:aaa190ca-4b29-46b9-a5b8-7aa04daa330b">Re: What do about ceremony? Parents vs. Fiance</a>:
[QUOTE] The fact that your fiance doesn't want it though I think is what should guide your decision, as well as the guidance from the priest. 
Posted by agapecarrie[/QUOTE]

This.

Eliz77

I'm a practicing Catholic and most of my mom's side of the family is as well. However, while my FI was baptized and his father/stepmom are sort of practicing Catholics, no one else invited to the wedding is, so we decided against a mass because of this. I was very worried my mom and grandparents would be upset, but they all understood it was important that FI and all of ur guests were also comfortable with our day, and when I expressed taht to our Priest, he was fine with it as well.

I know you can't say this is MY day because there are other people involved, but you do have to decide what is important to you and your FI and not try to please every one. It is impossible!

monkeysip

I just don't think your parents should have any part in this decision.

I think if *you* wanted communion more than your fiance doesn't want communion, then you could push for it.  If your fiance was willing to have it at the ceremony for your sake, then that would be fine.  Otherwise, I think you should honor your fiance's feelings here.

Either way, the decision is for you and your fiance to work out, not your family, you know what I mean?

leed0019

I completly understand where you coming from!  My FI was baptized catholic but does not practice.  His grandparents and some of his aunts and uncles are but not many.  We decided that we were not going to have communion.  

The day I told my parents was a very difficult one!  I will never forget the things my parents said to me nor the names they called me.  It hurt!  They took it as me turning my back on my faith for my FI and overreacted.  A couple weeks later we talked about it in a more adult manor.

It was very tense for awhile, but eventually they realized and accepted that we were going to have a ceremony with out divisions or segregation.  This is what you and your FI want and you have to be able to stand behind it.  I wish you the best of luck and that your parents take the news much better then mine did! 

carolinecarvalho

my fiance isn't catholic, but I am, and we're not forcing anybody to do something they dont feel comfortable doing. your parents should understand, it's not his religion, and you're being lucky enough that he accepted getting married in a catholic church, because I had to convince mine and it wasn't easy. so be glad, and let him have his say

court115

We're getting married in my church but my FI is Methodist so we will not be doing the full mass. Our priest was very supportive of this decision. It was actually his idea! I figured if my Methodist FI is okay getting married in my Catholic church, the one thing I could do for him was just do a ceremony and blessing instead the full mass.

klhuddleston1225

This is always an interesting topic to read about and hear other poster's responses. I'm on the other end of the spectrum. I'm not catholic. I'm baptist. However, my fiance is catholic. From the beginning of our relationship we have never thought of ourselfs as different or having some division between us because of our religion. I respect his choice of faith and he respects mine. You can't expect someone who was born and raised in a particular denomination to turn their back against it just because they are marrying someone of a different denomination.

Moving forward in planning our wedding, we both knew that we wanted our ceremony to be in a neutral setting as to be uniting to both sides of our family. My fiance only asked for 1 thing for our wedding, and that was to be recognized in his church as married. To him it didn't matter what type of ceremony or even the location of the ceremony as long as his 1 request was met.

Long story short....to fulfill his only request our ceremony will take place in a Catholic Church. However, the ceremony will be officiated by both my home church's pastor and his deacon from his church. Our ceremony will also not include the Eucharist. This way our ceremony is still uniting both our faiths and respectful or both our familes.

I will admit it has taken A LOT for our family's to accept our decision for our ceremony. I say accept because inside our parents wish it would be differently, but they know that this is what my FI and I want. And both of our parents took our decisions competely differenlty, too!

FI Parents:
Don't get me wrong it took MANY conversations of explaination to his parents for them to "accept" it. Which included expaining how could our ceremony be uniting to my FI and me if a part of the ceremony excluded me or caused segregation of my family because none of us would be allowed to recieve communion. Yes, there were many hurtful, naive, and disrespectful comments made to my parents and me from my FI parents. Also, my FI has had to deal with a lot from his mother and her horrible behavior through out this whole wedding planning process. However, I pray that one day they will come around and truly understand our intentions instead of merely "accepting" it.

My Parents.
Thankfully, my parents were a lot easier to talk to about being married in a Catholic Church, because to my parents it doesn't matter where we are married it's the fact that we are including God in our ceremony and in our marriage. Even though they would of rather our ceremony be in our Baptist church, they at least respected our decision, without confrontation.

My advice to you, is to do what is best for your FI and you as a couple together who will be united in marriage and become your own family. It may be hard telling your parents "no", but it will be a lot easier than seeing the disappointment in you FI eyes, and seeing him be uncomfortable on your wedding day. Remember he is a part of that day, too. He may not have dreamed about it since he was a little girl like we all have, but he does have hopes and visions for the wedding too. In my opinion he will admire you even more if you respect his wishes and his opinion about your ceremony. Your parents will always love you no matter what you do, even if they may not be happy with your decisions, they will still be there supporting you at the end of the day. However, showing your FI you care about his feelings about the ceremony will go far in the growth of a happy and successful marriage. Part of becoming married is for your FI and you to separate yourself's from your parents and join together in making decisions that are what is best for the two of you and your future marriage together.

professorscience

khuddleston,

Thank you for sharing and THANK YOU for the hard work you are doing to make sure your wedding goes perfectly for everyone involved!