Hello there,
I found the perfect thread so it seems. So my FI grew up in a pentacostal church and I was raised as a catholic. Neither one of us are actively practicing our religion. I suggested to my FI that we should have a catholic wedding since he has said he does not even know if he believes god exist. So there were some arguments around this because he said he is open to all religions but catholic. I said that it is important to raise kids with an identified religion and since I belong to one and he does not seem to care to be connected to one particular religion, I am not seeing why he is arguing about it. I would like to have a religious wedding but he does not seem to care if we go to a baptist church etc as long as we get married. Fair enough but why go there when I identify with a specific religion. The other issue as well is that I belong to a particular parish but I have not been going there for a while since I moved. This is the only church I know as I go there with my family when I attend church on sundays so to me it makes sense why we should get married there. He was advised by a family friend to tell the priest that we do not live together just for the technicality. He does not want to lie which I understand so now I have to go to the other church near where we live which I am not a member of and apparently I need to be a member of that church for at least a year before they even want to marry you.
So anyway the big thing is my FI wants to be honest as he can be with the priest which we should be anyway but I am worried that he will say whatever he wants and the priest will say no to us as my FI is very opinionated. I was just trying to prep him so he knows what to expect and he is not listening. He agreed to "check it out" anyway but I feel like it might be a waste of time since we have to find another ceremony site if not the church. I would really like to receive this sacrament if I can. I did not realize how important it is to me to have a catholic wedding until it was apparent we were getting engaged. Arggh I don't know maybe I'm being selfish.
Re: Wanting to have a catholic wedding
This is definitely something you two need to discuss before getting married. Like you said, it is important to decide how you will raise your kids. If you are not a practicing Catholic, it would be hypocritical for you guys to get married in the Church, even though you could just have Mass and not Communion.
And if your FI doesn't even believe in God, that is a whole different story. Is he going to be okay and supportive of raising the kids in a faith regardless of what it might be at this point? Depending on what route you decide to go, I think wherever you do your pre-marital counseling, the priest or deacon or pastor will talk to you about this. Or you can always go on your own and seek couples or relationship counseling before you set a date.
And it is best to be open and honest to whoever you talk to when deciding where to get married. There are plenty of Catholic couples who live together before marriage (myself being one of them) but we did it for financial reasons in these tough economic times. The Priest is not going to be angry if you live together, he is just going to ask you some questions/tell you some things regarding it and you will have to make decisions for yourself and examime your own conscious.
he said he is open to all religions but catholic.
Those two things would be HUGE problems for me, nevermind what the Priest will say. IMO doubting the existence of God is way beyond questioning the teachings of any religious group.
If you want to be an active member of the church and have your children raised Catholic you will need a partner that supports those goals. This is not to say he has to become Catholic, but if he's not open to the religion, much less if he doesn't even believe in God I don't see how this can function well long term.
You say that making this Sacrament is important to you, and you want to raise your children Catholic but you aren't active in the Church? IMO that's very contradictory. You need to determine what you want from your faith.
You and your FI need to have some very open discussions about faith and what it will be in your marriage - from every Sunday to children. But sorting this out before the wedding is so important - if your FI truly feels closed off to Catholicism and doesn't believe in God then you are in for a hard road if you want religion in your life.
Good luck!
Among the requirements for marrying in the Catholic church is that you agree to try to raise your children in the Catholic church. If your FI is so opposed to Catholicism (and God?), you'd be lying upon receiving the Sacrament. That's not a good way to start life, if you ask me.
I totally understand that some people are not active participants within a religion before they settle down and get married. We all have our own paths. However, you and your FI need to figure out how to proceed from this point forward. If he's questioning God and organized religion, you might have a more difficult time being an active participant in the future.
this.
i'm also wondering if OP has not been active BECAUSE of her FI? sometimes we all need some encouragement to get to Mass, particularly on sundays where maybe we've had a long week, burned out, etc. my spouse and i keep each other in check and help each other get there. i couldnt imagine having a partner that wouldnt encourage me to attend mass.
I did not realize how important it is to me to have a catholic wedding until it was apparent we were getting engaged.
OP, you will most likely grow stronger in your faith as you get older, and as you have children. i assume if getting yoru marriage sacrament is important, having your children baptized will be as equally important. how will your FI react to that?
i would step back, talk to him, figure out where things are going, and IF they are going anywhere. while i'm sure you love him, it could be that you two arent compatible in a religious sense. that's really your biggest issue now, not where you will have your ceremony or if the priest will have issues with you living together.
If one part of the couple isn't baptized, it isn't a sacrament. It can be a valid natural marriage, but it isn't a sacrament.
-A mass by definition includes communion. If one is getting married without having communion, they are not having a mass, just a liturgy of the word. The liturgy of the word is the only option availabe if one half the couple isn't baptized.
[QUOTE] We love each other but I do not want religion to come between us. Anyway planning a wedding is really stressful....
Posted by CaylaSummer[/QUOTE]
This is problematic. you don't want religion to come between you? The God of all, who wills your every breath....Shouldn't religion Be the thing that brings you together?
The wedding is the least of your worries.
Also, you may want to check the statistics on kids who are raised in a family with only mom teaching and living the faith. not favorable for them continuing to practice.
ok. so fast forward 10 years, a marriage and 2 babies. you go to work one day, and get killed in a car accident leaving your husband, who is anti-catholic, alone to raise your 6 and 8 year old kids, one of whom is ready for first communion. do you have faith that he will actually continue to raise them catholic on his own???
so yes, he may be ok with you raising hte kids catholic and taking them to church, but what happens to those kids if something happens to you?
I know you don't see the kids issue now, but it will be one. How will his parents react when you want to baptize your children? Will they be supportive when those children receive their First Holy Communion? How will you explain to 8-year-old Johnny why Grandma FI won't support this huge milestone in his life? Will the children go to mass regularly and receive appropriate catechesis, or will your FI continue to encourage you to go to church with his family instead of (rather than in addition to) mass? How will you respond to all of this? How will your fiance respond?
Also, please maintain an open dialogue with your fiance about what is going on with the church. Explain the sex abuse scandal in terms besides what the media has portrayed. Explain the meaning behind the liturgy. Explain why the Eucharist is only available to those in communion with the Church. Explain why the Church teaches the things it does. Listen to his concerns, and teach him about your faith with love. If you don't know the answers, be honest. Say "I don't know, but I'll find out" than seek out the answer and share it with him. Consider seeking out a young adult/teen/LifeTeen mass (often these have more contemporary music that he might be more receptive to). You don't have to convert him, but I think you need to make sure that he will support (not just tolerate) your decision to raise children in the Church.
I'm not saying mixed marriages can't work or that you don't love one another or that you need to not get married. I know many people who are happy in mixed marriages. However, those people all dealt with these issues and had firm answers before they got married and had kids. Generally, even if only one person was strong in the faith, raising kids exclusively in that faith with genuine support from the other party (going to church with them, for example) is what has made it work. Getting married is about becoming a family, and the family that prays together stays together.
Mixed religion marriages can work. However, both partners need to be committed to the religious upbringing of the kids. Before you move ahead with your wedding planning, please have that difficult conversation with your FI. It's fine if he wants to remain a Pentacostal. But the two of you need to come to an understanding about how you want your spiritual life as a family to be. Mabye the answer is to find another Christian church that bridges your two beliefs, such as the Lutheran church or the Episcopalian church. But find a place where you two are comfortable and where your future children can find a church home. And do this before you're married.
Re: his misconceptions about the Church as propogated by the popular media, have him read this: http://www.cnn.com/2010/OPINION/03/19/donohue.catholic.church/index.html