• Images
  • Text
  • Find a Couple + Registry
GO
Catholic Weddings

Wanting to have a catholic wedding

Hello there,

I found the perfect thread so it seems. So my FI grew up in a pentacostal church and I was raised as a catholic. Neither one of us are actively practicing our religion. I suggested to my FI that we should have a catholic wedding since he has said he does not even know if he believes god exist. So there were some arguments around this because he said he is open to all religions but catholic. I said that it is important to raise kids with an identified religion and since I belong to one and he does not seem to care to be connected to one particular religion, I am not seeing why he is arguing about it. I would like to have a religious wedding but he does not seem to care if we go to a baptist church etc as long as we get married. Fair enough but why go there when I identify with a specific religion. The other issue as well is that I belong to a particular parish but I have not been going there for a while since I moved. This is the only church I know as I go there with my family when I attend church on sundays so to me it makes sense why we should get married there.  He was advised by a family friend to tell the priest that we do not live together just for the technicality. He does not want to lie which I understand so now I have to go to the other church near where we live which I am not a member of and apparently I need to be a member of that church for at least a year before they even want to marry you. 
So anyway the big thing is my FI wants to be honest as he can be with the priest which we should be anyway but I am worried that he will say whatever he wants and the priest will say no to us as my FI is very opinionated. I was just trying to prep him so he knows what to expect and he is not listening. He agreed to "check it out" anyway but I feel like it might be a waste of time since we have to find another ceremony site if not the church. I would really like to receive this sacrament if I can. I did not realize how important it is to me to have a catholic wedding until it was apparent we were getting engaged. Arggh I don't know maybe I'm being selfish. 

Re: Wanting to have a catholic wedding

  • edited December 2011
    First of all, when you post a thread, try to break it up in paragraphs to make it easier to read.

    This is definitely something you two need to discuss before getting married. Like you said, it is important to decide how you will raise your kids. If you are not a practicing Catholic, it would be hypocritical for you guys to get married in the Church, even though you could just have Mass and not Communion.

    And if your FI doesn't even believe in God, that is a whole different story. Is he going to be okay and supportive of raising the kids in a faith regardless of what it might be at this point? Depending on what route you decide to go, I think wherever you do your pre-marital counseling, the priest or deacon or pastor will talk to you about this. Or you can always go on your own and seek couples or relationship counseling before you set a date.

    And it is best to be open and honest to whoever you talk to when deciding where to get married. There are plenty of Catholic couples who live together before marriage (myself being one of them) but we did it for financial reasons in these tough economic times. The Priest is not going to be angry if you live together, he is just going to ask you some questions/tell you some things regarding it and you will have to make decisions for yourself and examime your own conscious.
    image
    Anniversary
    Lilypie First Birthday tickers
  • edited December 2011
     he does not even know if he believes god exist.

    he said he is open to all religions but catholic.

    Those two things would be HUGE problems for me, nevermind what the Priest will say. IMO doubting the existence of God is way beyond questioning the teachings of any religious group.

    If you want to be an active member of the church and have your children raised Catholic you will need a partner that supports those goals. This is not to say he has to become Catholic, but if he's not open to the religion, much less if he doesn't even believe in God I don't see how this can function well long term.

    You say that making this Sacrament is important to you, and you want to raise your children Catholic but you aren't active in the Church? IMO that's very contradictory. You need to determine what you want from your faith.

    You and your FI need to have some very open discussions about faith and what it will be in your marriage - from every Sunday to children.  But sorting this out before the wedding is so important - if your FI truly feels closed off to Catholicism and doesn't believe in God then you are in for a hard road if you want religion in your life.

    Good luck!
    Lilypie Second Birthday tickers
  • mica178mica178 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    It sounds like the two of you have to have a conversation about your wants and hopes for marriage and family life before you choose a church in which to marry.  I think that's more important than merely figuring out your ceremony venue, which is how you worded your concerns.

    Among the requirements for marrying in the Catholic church is that you agree to try to raise your children in the Catholic church.  If your FI is so opposed to Catholicism (and God?), you'd be lying upon receiving the Sacrament.  That's not a good way to start life, if you ask me.

    I totally understand that some people are not active participants within a religion before they settle down and get married.  We all have our own paths.  However, you and your FI need to figure out how to proceed from this point forward.  If he's questioning God and organized religion, you might have a more difficult time being an active participant in the future.
  • Calypso1977Calypso1977 member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    If you want to be an active member of the church and have your children raised Catholic you will need a partner that supports those goals. This is not to say he has to become Catholic, but if he's not open to the religion, much less if he doesn't even believe in God I don't see how this can function well long term.

    this.

    i'm also wondering if OP has not been active BECAUSE of her FI?  sometimes we all need some encouragement to get to Mass, particularly on sundays where maybe we've had a long week,  burned out, etc.  my spouse and i keep each other in check and help each other get there.  i couldnt imagine having a partner that wouldnt encourage me to attend mass.

    I did not realize how important it is to me to have a catholic wedding until it was apparent we were getting engaged.

    OP, you will most likely grow stronger in your faith as you get older, and as you have children.  i assume if getting yoru marriage sacrament is important, having your children baptized will be as equally important. how will your FI react to that?

    i would step back, talk to him, figure out where things are going, and IF they are going anywhere.  while i'm sure you love him, it could be that you two arent compatible in a religious sense.  that's really your biggest issue now, not where you will have your ceremony or if the priest will have issues with you living together.
  • agapecarrieagapecarrie member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 100 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    The least of worries right now, but I needed to correct a couple things.

    If one part of the couple isn't baptized, it isn't a sacrament. It can be a valid natural marriage, but it isn't a sacrament.

    -A mass by definition includes communion. If one is getting married without having communion, they are not having a mass, just a liturgy of the word. The liturgy of the word is the only option availabe if one half the couple isn't baptized.
  • Theresa626Theresa626 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    First of all, you're not being selfish.  You have every right to want a valid wedding in the church you grew up in.  

    Secondly, you shouldn't lie to the priest.  Just go to your parish and tell the truth.  Honestly, I really doubt he will refuse to marry you because you're living together.  If he does then you can look into other churches but most priests don't refuse because of that now a days.  

    More importantly, you need to have a serious discussion regarding religion with your fiance that has nothing to do with your wedding and everything to do with your marriage and future children.  You keep saying he's not religious so he doesn't care but clearly he does care.  If he is not even sure he believes in God that is still his valid belief.  You need to be totally accepting of the fact that your future husband is on the verge of being an atheist.  You're not going to change that most likely.  However he is now is exactly how he will be when you are married.  You cannot force someone who doesn't believe in God to suddenly go to church and participate in a religion or to teach your children about that religion.  So, in one sense, I think you need to be aware of and perhaps accepting of the fact that you may have a Godless or religion free marriage.  You need to decide if you're ok with that.  

    That said, your fiance also needs to have a more open mind.  He is ok with every religion but Catholic?  I think perhaps he has a lot of misconceptions about the Catholic church and perhaps anger towards it.  Just as you need to be accepting of his lack of religion, he must be accepting of your religion.  I would start by asking him why he does not like the Catholic church and go from there.  There may be beliefs he has that are wrong or misguided.  Guide him in the right direction.  Ask him to go to mass with you and explain what is going on in each part to him.  Learn about your religion together.  He doesn't have to be Catholic but he should be open and accepting of your religion and your participation in it.  

    Also, the priest is going to require you to raise future children Catholic as part of your marriage vows.  Are you both prepared for that?  After he understands Catholicism a little bit more, talk to him about the religion of your children and see if you can come to an agreement on that.  
  • edited December 2011
    Hey guys,

    Thanks for your advice. I was living at home about 3 and half years ago, then i was more active in the catholic church. When we moved in together my FI whose family is pentecostal was more encouraging of us to go to their church but my FI does not care if we go or not. I was at times going to their church to show respect and that i accept their religion however I am not interested in becoming pentacostal and I have expressed that to his parents before. I work really long hours and I was also working all weekend just up until 2 yrs ago but now my schedule is a bit different. I have also been attending a university for the last 2 years and working full time. I had very little time to do anything and this has really affected me going to church on sundays or saturday masses. When I was't working, I was doing assignments and trying to balance spending time with my FI eventhough we live together as well as my family and his family. 

    It is really hard to explain everything here but he has agreed to go to church with me. We are just waiting for the church to call so we will see what the priest says. I know it will be up to me to take our kids one day to church because he is not really devoted to go to his parents church or any church. It is hard to believe that we do actually talk all the time and we are very open to one another more so than any other relationships I have had before him. We love each other but I do not want religion to come between us. Anyway planning a wedding is really stressful....Undecided
  • agapecarrieagapecarrie member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 100 Love Its Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Wanting to have a catholic wedding:
    [QUOTE] We love each other but I do not want religion to come between us. Anyway planning a wedding is really stressful....
    Posted by CaylaSummer[/QUOTE]

    This is problematic. you don't want religion to come between you? The God of all, who wills your every breath....Shouldn't religion Be the thing that brings you together?

    The wedding is the least of your worries.

    Also, you may want to check the statistics on kids who are raised in a family with only mom teaching and living the faith. not favorable for them continuing to practice.
  • edited December 2011
    Hey there,

    Yeah I totally agree I know it can be an issue. Maybe I do not see it now and I'm sure it will be an issue when we have kids but he has said that he would be ok with me taking our future children to church. Yes, I believe he has misconceptions about the church. All he thinks about is the priests abusing little boys and that the catholic ritual is not what's in the bible for example giving money during the mass. He thinks it is not a welcoming religion since one cannot be catholic unless you are confirmed, baptized etc. So basically he thinks it is very restrictive. I have also taken him to church before and he thought it was a boring mass. I have gone to his church (pentecostal) when his parents asks us to and I was really shocked at first the way the service was conducted. There was a band on the stage and much more informal. It is completely different than what I expected what going to church should look like. It does not even occur to me that the mass is so boring, it is what I'm used to but I can see his point seeing the differences with the two church
  • Calypso1977Calypso1977 member
    Knottie Warrior 2500 Comments 25 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    I know it will be up to me to take our kids one day to church because he is not really devoted to go to his parents church or any church.

    ok.  so fast forward 10 years, a marriage and 2 babies.  you go to work one day, and get killed in a car accident leaving your husband, who is anti-catholic, alone to raise your 6 and 8 year old kids, one of whom is ready for first communion.  do you have faith that he will actually continue to raise them catholic on his own???

    so yes, he may be ok with you raising hte kids catholic and taking them to church, but what happens to those kids if something happens to you? 
  • edited December 2011
    You say you talk about this, but it doesn't sound like you guys have actually reached compromises yet.

    I know you don't see the kids issue now, but it will be one. How will his parents react when you want to baptize your children? Will they be supportive when those children receive their First Holy Communion? How will you explain to 8-year-old Johnny why Grandma FI won't support this huge milestone in his life? Will the children go to mass regularly and receive appropriate catechesis, or will your FI continue to encourage you to go to church with his family instead of (rather than in addition to) mass? How will you respond to all of this? How will your fiance respond?

    Also, please maintain an open dialogue with your fiance about what is going on with the church. Explain the sex abuse scandal in terms besides what the media has portrayed. Explain the meaning behind the liturgy. Explain why the Eucharist is only available to those in communion with the Church. Explain why the Church teaches the things it does. Listen to his concerns, and teach him about your faith with love. If you don't know the answers, be honest. Say "I don't know, but I'll find out" than seek out the answer and share it with him. Consider seeking out a young adult/teen/LifeTeen mass (often these have more contemporary music that he might be more receptive to). You don't have to convert him, but I think you need to make sure that he will support (not just tolerate) your decision to raise children in the Church.

    I'm not saying mixed marriages can't work or that you don't love one another or that you need to not get married. I know many people who are happy in mixed marriages. However, those people all dealt with these issues and had firm answers before they got married and had kids. Generally, even if only one person was strong in the faith, raising kids exclusively in that faith with genuine support from the other party (going to church with them, for example) is what has made it work.  Getting married is about becoming a family, and the family that prays together stays together.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • mica178mica178 member
    5000 Comments Fourth Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    My mother is Catholic, my father is Presbyterian.  We kids were raised in the Catholic church, and that was great.  My father attended Mass with us and threw parties for our First Communion.  Now that the kids are grown up, my father attends Catholic church even when my mother is out of town because he affiliates with the community.  And whereas he used to sit while we kneeled, he now kneels.  (Yay!)

    Mixed religion marriages can work.  However, both partners need to be committed to the religious upbringing of the kids.  Before you move ahead with your wedding planning, please have that difficult conversation with your FI.  It's fine if he wants to remain a Pentacostal.  But the two of you need to come to an understanding about how you want your spiritual life as a family to be.  Mabye the answer is to find another Christian church that bridges your two beliefs, such as the Lutheran church or the Episcopalian church.  But find a place where you two are comfortable and where your future children can find a church home.  And do this before you're married.

    Re: his misconceptions about the Church as propogated by the popular media, have him read this: http://www.cnn.com/2010/OPINION/03/19/donohue.catholic.church/index.html
  • edited December 2011
    okay thanks guys. the questions you brought forth  are really valid and makes me more reflect in the way we communicate but as well as our future especially when we have children.

    I am waiting for a call from the priest from my church and I think we will just go and seek his guidance.  As I said before he has agreed to go to the church with me and yes this does make me think whether he would continue to take our children to church if I was not around anymore. We will continue to have this conversation, I will keep you ladies informed on what happened once we get our meeting. 
  • meganb1977meganb1977 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Good luck meeting with the priest.  I was anxious because people had told me that you have to just "suck it up" and tell them what they want to hear, and I wanted to be honest.  We lucked out with a priest who was easygoing and open-minded although it seems like some of them are more rigid.  The first thing the priest is supposed to do is put both of you at ease.  And with all the confessions they've heard, nothing is going to shock them :-)  So your fiance should be able to relax and be honest.
    Whoever said it was supposed to be happily ever after is a big fat liar.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards