I grew up in the Methodist church, and am baptized and confirmed in the UMC. My family is the go to church every Sunday (and Sunday night...and Wednesday) kind of family.
My fiancé's is Catholic and has been baptized, done 1st communion and is confirmed, but his family isn't as active in the church.
Basically, I thought I'd have more control over the religious side of the wedding than I do. I went to a few RCIA classes (just to learn things. I'm NOT converting.) and felt like I was in 1st grade sunday school all over gain, so I stopped. I feel like I have a really good handle on the religion...after all, it's not *that* different than Methodist.
Question #1.
How do you promise to raise your kids Catholic if that's not what you believe? If they ask me a question, I'm not going to tell them something I don't believe. I don't understand this part of the requirements of the church. The kids have free will, they can go to whatever church they want, since they'll be exposed to both...
Question #2
My fiancé is being stubborn, insisting on having communion at our wedding. Communion is something that I hold very dear to me, and it hurts me to think I wouldn't be able to participate in this part of my own wedding. (I know a lot of priests won't even let this occur since both of us aren't Catholic...but some do. We haven't had that talk yet with the priest). The marriage will still be a sacrament since it's in a church and we're both baptized...so I don't understand why he's being so stubborn about communion when it's a known source of my frustration with the church.
Sorry for the rant...
Re: Full mass...or not.
[QUOTE]Question #1. How do you promise to raise your kids Catholic if that's not what you believe? If they ask me a question, I'm not going to tell them something I don't believe. I don't understand this part of the requirements of the church. The kids have free will, they can go to whatever church they want, since they'll be exposed to both...
Posted by JCM10[/QUOTE]
The simple answer is: You don't. If you do not intend to raise your children according to the Catholic church, then you aren't eligible to be married in the Catholic church. This is more of an issue that you and your FI need to iron out ASAP, than a problem with how to answer the priest's question. You're reight, you shouldn't lie jsut to "pass the test". It's a requirement in order to have your marriage recognized in the church as per Canon Law:
<p class="MsoNormal"><em>Can. 1125 The local ordinary can grant a permission of this kind if there is a just and reasonable cause. He is not to grant it unless the following conditions have been fulfilled:</em></p> <p class="MsoNormal"><em>1/ the Catholic party is to declare that he or she is prepared to remove dangers of defecting from the faith and is to make a sincere promise to do all in his or her power so that all offspring are baptized and brought up in the Catholic Church;</em></p>If your children decide later in life to leave the church, that is okay as long as your FI did everything in his power to raise them according to the church.
In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_full-massor-not?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:c2becd4d-1f59-4d2a-8e42-4b9a45df5684Post:84a8a1a7-0366-4292-9df7-f31c0edfc736">Full mass...or not.</a>:
[QUOTE]Question #2 My fiancé is being stubborn, insisting on having communion at our wedding. Communion is something that I hold very dear to me, and it hurts me to think I wouldn't be able to participate in this part of my own wedding. (I know a lot of priests won't even let this occur since both of us aren't Catholic...but some do. We haven't had that talk yet with the priest). The marriage will still be a sacrament since it's in a church and we're both baptized...so I don't understand why he's being so stubborn about communion when it's a known source of my frustration with the church. Sorry for the rant...
Posted by JCM10[/QUOTE]
I see where you may be frustrated because the Catholic church has a very specific view on what communion means and so not just anyone (even Catholics in a state of mortal sin) can receive it. And many of religions do not have the same view, so it can feel insulting to be denied. You just need to work through this with your FI. Often times, couples have a very hard time when they have a disagreement on relgion. I think you are both valid in wanting what each of you want for your ceremony. I believe that although marriages between Catholics and non-Catholics are valid, they are non-sacramental.
You guys should really sit down and talk about how this is going to work out - and not the wedding or ceremony. How will you deal with this large disagreement down the road. It seems that you are both very strong in your beliefs and this could lead to a lot of problems in your marriage.
[QUOTE] I believe that although marriages between Catholics and non-Catholics are valid, they are non-sacramental.
Posted by Riss91[/QUOTE]
<div>Not true. So long as both parties are baptized, it is a sacrament. But ditto everything else Riss said. Perhaps you want to consider marrying elsewhere. </div>
If you marry in the Catholic church, you must promise not to interfere with the raising of your children as Catholics. while you do not have to actively participate in teaching them the catholic faith, you must not stand in his way. IMO, this means not instructing them in another faith, although others here can (and do) disagree with this.
yes, children have "free will" to decide what they want to be. but as parents, we need to give them the basics and guide them accordingly. as catholics, we are bound to raise our kids in teh catholic faith. to try to simultaneously teach them another faith will cause conflict and may cause them to choose taht religion over catholicism, or as i've seen in many cases, the child ends up being no faith at all.
while catholics are christians, catholicism is very different from other christian religions. Very.
you two need to clear this up now, and it may be that a marriage between the two of you is not in your best interests in a spiritual sense.
as for your second question, communion is considered a sacrament in the catholic faith. catholics are encouraged to receive sacraments as often as possible. you really should not deny your FI communion at his wedding. while you cannot receive, you can get a blessing. also, having hte Mass provides for extra blessings for the couple as welll, as it is said in your honor. however, if you are this adamant about not having it, your FI should consider that.
mixed marriages can be very successful. however, i feel that this one may be heading down a bad path, and i think some serious discussions should be have NOW rather than later, especially with regard to children. i personally think its best when a couple shares the same faith, whatever taht faith may be. i couldnt imagine not being able to teach my children my faith or have to teach my children my faith alone because my partner doesnt share it.
i really hope you can get thigns worked out, however tehy may work out. this is really too important an issue to sweep under the rug, even ifyou can find a happy compromise for the marriage ceremony itself.
[QUOTE]If you're not Catholic, you don't have to promise that you will raise your children Catholic. The Catholic party, your FI, has to promise that he will be sincerely and seriously attempt to raise any children as Catholic. You don't have to "help" him raise the children Catholic and are welcome to share your beliefs with them. That being said, you shouldn't be married in the church if you are going to prevent your FI from sharing the Catholic faith with your children.
Posted by SaraAndrew2010[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]I grew up in the Methodist church, and am baptized and confirmed in the UMC. My family is the go to church every Sunday (and Sunday night...and Wednesday) kind of family. My fiancé's is Catholic and has been baptized, done 1st communion and is confirmed, but his family isn't as active in the church. Basically, I thought I'd have more control over the religious side of the wedding than I do. I went to a few RCIA classes (just to learn things. I'm NOT converting.) and felt like I was in 1st grade sunday school all over gain, so I stopped. I feel like I have a really good handle on the religion...after all, it's not *that* different than Methodist. Question #1. <strong>How do you promise to raise your kids Catholic if that's not what you believe? If they ask me a question, I'm not going to tell them something I don't believe. I don't understand this part of the requirements of the church.</strong> The kids have free will, they can go to whatever church they want, since they'll be exposed to both... Question #2 My fiancé is being stubborn, insisting on having communion at our wedding. Communion is something that I hold very dear to me, and it hurts me to think I wouldn't be able to participate in this part of my own wedding. (I know a lot of priests won't even let this occur since both of us aren't Catholic...but some do. We haven't had that talk yet with the priest). The marriage will still be a sacrament since it's in a church and we're both baptized...<strong>so I don't understand why he's being so stubborn about communion when it's a known source of my frustration with the church.</strong> Sorry for the rant...
Posted by JCM10[/QUOTE]
I know I'm a little late to the party, but hopefully you're still checking this thread.
My first question is why are you getting married in the Catholic Church if it is something you so obviously disagree with? You said that you are confused by some of the practices and beliefs of the Church and you are not planning on converting. Are you just getting maried in the Church for FI? In that case, I don't see why the communion issue is such a big deal. If it's important to you to be married in a Church, you might need to fins something that gives you a little more leeway with your practices. Is getting married in the UMC an opition for you?
Second, you said you don't understand why you don't have more control over the religious aspects. That is the priest's job. He is there to facilitate open communication between you and your FI and to provide spiritual guidance. If you disagree with this, again, I'm not sure why you would want to be married in the Church.
In terms of raising your children Catholic, I agree with PP (i forget who--sorry!) that I view the teaching of different religious doctrines to be standing in the way of raising your children to be Catholic. When I was a teenager, my parents accompanied me to various church services (Jewish, Methodist, Baptists, Evangelical) because I wanted to learn more about different religions. In fact, I went to Catholic high school and researching other religions and comparing/contrasting those with the C.C. was a requirement (although this is just one school's assingment and isn't the same everywhere). I understand that you would like to educate your children in your religion, as you have the right to do, but I think this is confusing and prohibits the requirement to raise your children Catholic. It does not say "expose your children to Catholicism." I think it is implicit that the requirement is to raise children who espouse the beliefs of the Catholic church.
Finally, have you talked honestly and openly about the communion issue with your FI? (Although I was under the impression that a full Mass was not an option when one member of the marrying party was not Catholic). Does he know that is is bothering you? DO you know why this is so important for him? I understand that you think he doesn't attend Mass regularly, so this shouldn't be an issue, but it is his religion. I think that you both need to really think about marriage when you are both so adamant about your religious beliefs.
It's better to have this discussion now, before you are married, than to realize these differences have created a wedge in your home after you're married. I wish you the best of luck!
I made a bio?!?
i had a wide variety of friends of different faiths growing up. i often would ask them about their religions and i'd ask my parents about them. i was defintiely aware of other faiths, why we were Catholic, and the differences. but i was never allowed to worship in a church other than a Catholic church, and i was strongly encouraged to marry someone Cathoilc, although as i got older, this became an obvious choice to me regardless.
I was offered a full mass even though I am marrying a Presbyterian. Ultimately, we decided to do the ceremony outside of mass because I felt that symbolically I didn't want to start our married lives with different experiences at the altar. However, my priest offered the full mass, and he said if my FI was committed to RCIA, he'd apply for a dispensation for FI to receive communion at the wedding even if the RCIA wasn't done. (My FI still hasn't decided, so we didn't go down that road.) However, it sounds like you do not want to become a Catholic, so I don't think that'll be an option for you.
Meet with the priest and see what he has to say about the matter. Chances are that your priest has married mixed religion couples before and is used to addressing these issues.
I also agree that you should talk to the priest. Even though it is possible to have a mass when one party is not Catholic, I know that it is discouraged. I think that, given your strong views on communion and the Eucharist, a priest would likely discourage you and your fiance from including it, since it is an issue that causes great division between you. Since marriage is meant to unite, something that divides, not just symbolically but emotionally, seems like a poor choice.
As many others have said, there definitely needs to be an open line of communication between your FI and yourself about this. Before my fiance and I even got engaged, religion was the number one topic. He is Catholic and I (like yourself) was raised Methodist. His family is very involved in the church, while my family strayed from the Methodist church, so there was no problem realizing which church we were going to be married in. When it came to the question of full Mass vs. ceremony, it was a bit more difficult. The final decision was that a non Mass service was our best option. His SIL is getting her masters in theology (of some sort), and she is avid in teaching in the Catholic church, and she made a good point: "The Eucharist is supposed to be bringing people together to worship at God's table, but when a couple is unable to do so together, it is almost like keeping the division there." So instead of being a unity, it is still a division. I realize I could've gotten a blessing, but it's just not the same. Good luck JCM!
My Planning Bio!