Catholic Weddings

Non-Catholic Marrying a Catholic: Family Issues...

Hello everyone,
I'm feeling a bit nervous posting this--I am not Catholic, however, my wonderful fiance is. He and his family have welcomed me with open arms; I have never met kinder or more caring people.

We have decided to have a Catholic wedding in a church where his mother used to pray every day. We will have a full mass.

The problem is my family; they are very, very bitter against any Christian religion. My father lost his parents in a car crash, and I think he's never forgiven God for that. He's also living with a woman (who has incidentally been married 3 times and is STILL married to her last husband..) who is uncouth, insane, cruel, and will have all kinds of terrible things to say about the ceremony. Meanwhile, my brother doesn't like some of the Church's teachings and is very, very vocal about it.

I guess the obvious answer is to sit down and talk about these things with them, but they're not particularly good listeners--my brother has almost gotten arrested a time or two because he mouths off to police officers (seriously) when he thinks they're being rude. My father will yell until he's red in the face if I try to voice my concerns.

I'm just picturing FI's wonderful family being subjected to them, being insulted by them, and being passive-aggressively attacked by them simply because we're having a Catholic wedding. I'm picturing them saying awful things to FI and I during the reception. I'm trying not to let it bother me, but it's a concern.

How do you handle these types of situations? Has anyone been in a similar boat? How do I negate this without having a full-blown fight with my family?
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Re: Non-Catholic Marrying a Catholic: Family Issues...

  • maybe the discussion should be had with your FI's family - give them the heads up about your family (in some nice, polite way that wont make them think badly of your family) and just reaffirm that you do not share these sentiments and that you are happy about your wedding in the church, etc.

    even if your family feels this way, they may be able to do the right thing on this one day.  you could also maybe approach the calmest person in the bunch and speak with them one on one and see if they would then be willing to speak with the rest of the family.

    tehy may just opt not to come to the ceremony at all - if they are that uncomfortable with teh church, then that might be the best thing.  while i know it would be hard for you to not have your family there, if they make the choice not to attend and only come to teh reception, you will just have to respect that.

    good luck!!
  • I think a sit down with your anti Catholic family members may be in order here.

    There's not really any point in explaining to your father that God did not kill his parents in a car crash, a human being caused that.  My mom was killed in a car accident when I was just 16 and I understand how he may seek relief by finding a scapegoat for the accident but I finally realized that the responsible party was a DUI, not God.  Acceptance came easier after that.  I would try my best not to blameyour father for his feelings as you haven't lived through this.  Just pray for him to find peace.

    Would getting  your FI's pastor to join this conversation help at all?  A kind priest could be able to see into the causes of these family problems and give you both some advice.  i would brief the priest on the situation beforehand though.

    Good luck!
  • The biggest thing for you to remember is that this marriage is about you and FI (and God).  It is YOUR decision to get married in the Catholic church, and that is okay because you are a big girl.  They might be mean, they might be nasty, but do not let them sway you.

    I had similar conversations with members of my family, and there comes a time when all you can do is say, "I appreciate your concern/I'm sorry you disagree with me, but this is my choice and I'm asking you to respect that."

    As for your FILs having to deal with it, I think a little honest warning is fine.  You never know -- they might have some very anti-religion/anti-Catholicism family members, too!
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  • DH & I are both Catholic, but his mother and SIL both do not practice any religion. The majority of his friends and family are not Catholic. Both mother & SIL politely attended our ceremony without saying a word negatively to us. Perhaps, just have faith in your family to behave like adults.

    Slightly OT, but is there a reason you're having Communion as part of your ceremony when you can't receive? I do not know of too many interfaith couples in my area who choose that route. It's just different, and I'd like to hear your perspective.

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_non-catholic-marrying-a-catholic-family-issues?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:c3f3bf4a-f224-4b66-84d8-2c5f5080a807Post:f21129e4-d490-4ccb-aa86-4ca284cefd7a">Re: Non-Catholic Marrying a Catholic: Family Issues...</a>:
    [QUOTE]The biggest thing for you to remember is that this marriage is about you and FI (and God).  It is YOUR decision to get married in the Catholic church, and that is okay because you are a big girl.  They might be mean, they might be nasty, but do not let them sway you. I had similar conversations with members of my family, and there comes a time when all you can do is say,<strong> "I appreciate your concern/I'm sorry you disagree with me, but this is my choice and I'm asking you to respect that."</strong> As for your FILs having to deal with it, I think a little honest warning is fine.  You never know -- they might have some very anti-religion/anti-Catholicism family members, too!
    Posted by professorscience[/QUOTE]

    I would add that you should also ask that they not attack your faith (or your FI's faith) in your presence. Let them know that this is not acceptable to you and you will not tolerate it.

    Let FIs family know that there is some hostility towards religion from your side and ask them to be patient and caring with them.

    Sorry you are dealing with such an intense situation.
  • itsMz, she may be trying to respect her FI/family beliefs. 

    I would discuss this with your family at the next time you see them (the holidays?) and mention in conversation that it will be a full mass. That way, they can get their rude, uncooth, behavior out of their system and then when you are steadfast, they will have to make their own decision - whether or not to attend. 
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