Help!

sassisistah7804

my bf is from Cameroon and im Haitian-American we r going to Cameroon in December and want to immediately get married (civil service) after returning. Problem is we are both very Catholic and want to do this so we can have a child shortly as we are in our early 30's. We are currently foster parents to my niece and have been raising her since she was 2mo ( currently days away from 14mo). We had planned on (and still do!) our church wedding but are finding we want to get married sooner than later but dnt have the budget (yet) for the wedding of our dreams. My niece may be returning home very soon and  we both agree we are ready to start a family of our own but are torn on not following the teachings of the church.

professorscience

Could you go ahead and contact a parish and start marriage preparations?  If you are not going to Cameroon until December, that gives you almost seven months to complete all your pre-marital requirements, and most parishes require only six months' notice, so that should be fine, and then you could plan to have your wedding as close to your return as the church can schedule you.

And I can understand that you want to be able to have children quickly, but that is definitely no reason to rush things.  I don't know how "early 30's" you are, but modern medicine has made so many leaps, it is not unfathomable for a woman to have healthy children well into her thirties (my MIL was 35 when she had my husband, and that was nearly 30 years ago).

Calypso1977

you do understand that if you marry civilly, you cant have a child as the church will still consider this to be outside of wedlock?

our engagement was 7 months long, but honestly, the pre-cana and planning was all done within the first 3-4 months.  you can defintiely do this in a short period of time.

the reception (if you choose this route) is what costs the most money.  you can be married in the church for very little money now, then have a party later if you wish to do so when you have the funds.  however, IMO, if you are planning a child soon after marriage, i think it woudl make more sense to save this money for your child and future.

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_help-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:f4783778-0e53-4997-9105-9dab0b89151ePost:4c930e30-f639-4007-b4fe-03004c522861">Re: Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]you do understand that if you marry civilly, you cant have a child as the church will still consider this to be outside of wedlock? our engagement was 7 months long, but honestly, the pre-cana and planning was all done within the first 3-4 months.  you can defintiely do this in a short period of time. the reception (if you choose this route) is what costs the most money.  you can be married in the church for very little money now, then have a party later if you wish to do so when you have the funds.  however, IMO, if you are planning a child soon after marriage, i think it woudl make more sense to save this money for your child and future.
Posted by Calypso1977[/QUOTE]

There is no such thing in the Catholic chuch. as an illegitmate child and legitimacy is a matter of state and inheritance laws.

ootmother2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_help-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural Wedding BoardsForum:615Discussion:f4783778-0e53-4997-9105-9dab0b89151ePost:97cacaf4-56bb-4bf8-b9a0-bc34fc51f693">Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]my bf is from Cameroon and im Haitian-American we r going to Cameroon in December and want to immediately get married (civil service) after returning. Problem is we are both very Catholic and want to do this so we can have a child shortly as we are in our early 30's. We are currently foster parents to my niece and have been raising her since she was 2mo ( currently days away from 14mo). We had planned on (and still do!) our church wedding but are finding we want to get married sooner than later but dnt have the budget (yet) for the wedding of our dreams. My niece may be returning home very soon and  we both agree we are ready to start a family of our own but are torn on not following the teachings of the church.
Posted by sassisistah7804[/QUOTE]

add on

Most priests can speed up the pre cana particularly for a couple in some cases and this seems a good idea here. I'd tallk to your priest to see how quickly this can be managed.

You have plenty of time to plan your wedding.  I planned mine in ten days ;)

Good luck.

lalaith50

I don't see a word about "illegitmacy" in Calypso's post.

professorscience

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_help-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:f4783778-0e53-4997-9105-9dab0b89151ePost:ccec3a39-f3bb-4412-802b-271c991ed466">Re: Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't see a word about "illegitmacy" in Calypso's post.
Posted by lalaith50[/QUOTE]

<div>I think it came from Calypso saying they "could not" have a child, as it would be seen as "out of wedlock," which is pretty synonymous with "illegitimate."</div><div>
</div><div>OOT is pretty much correct in that regard.  A kiddo would not be barred from the sacraments because of the sins of the parents.</div>

bibliophile2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/cultural-wedding-boards_catholic-weddings_help-6?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Cultural%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:615Discussion:f4783778-0e53-4997-9105-9dab0b89151ePost:9b15fa21-0f82-43f6-a897-9c224aa47ce5">Re: Help!</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Help! : I think it came from Calypso saying they "could not" have a child, as it would be seen as "out of wedlock," which is pretty synonymous with "illegitimate." OOT is pretty much correct in that regard.  A kiddo would not be barred from the sacraments because of the sins of the parents.
Posted by professorscience[/QUOTE]

Correct, although as I read it, OP and her fiance want to "do things right" meaning get married and then have kids. Calypso was correctly pointing out that the Church would not view a quick civil marriage as valid, so in the eyes of the Church, the baby would still be born of pre-marital sexual activity. Any ramifications of that would be on the parents (potential difficulty getting convalidation for example) not the child.

Calypso1977

Correct, although as I read it, OP and her fiance want to "do things right" meaning get married and then have kids. Calypso was correctly pointing out that the Church would not view a quick civil marriage as valid, so in the eyes of the Church, the baby would still be born of pre-marital sexual activity. Any ramifications of that would be on the parents (potential difficulty getting convalidation for example) not the child.

exactly.

and until their marriage is convalidated, if it can be convalidated, they may still have difficulty having the child baptized if a priest had any doubts as to whether the child would grow up in a catholic home.

Eliz77

My Aunt had a child out of wedlock and the Church would not baptize him until  my aunt could "forgive herself for her sin". I personally found that very odd, something at 12 years old I thought was wrong, and hoped there was more to it than I was told. He WAS baptized at 10 months old, and my Aunt was/is very involved in her Church, volunteers for a zillion programs, works in the school, etc so obviously all is right there. 

ootmother2

Funny, my daughter was baptized at a church on 62nd Street that I had only been to a handful of times.  
 
The interior was totally mosaics and  it was quite a small church.  For NYC anyhow.  The simplicity had  always attracted me

The priest didn't know me other than that I had called him and explained that DD had been baptized in danger of death when she was born and we would like to have a formal christening for her.

Neither one of us was asked if we were Catholic and she had 4 godparents.  One Protestant, one Jew and two Catholics of iffy standing in the church.  My main criterion for choosing them was love.  I knew how much they loved my daughter and I was sure that they would be her guides in life.