Hi there! New with questions.

ThatCrowGirl

Discussing marriage with my significant other (of 10.5 years!) and we're talking about getting married in my home state of NY (YAHH!!!)... which is not where we are. I'm assuming I have to get licensed there in order to get married there, is this correct?

Also, part of the reason we're thinking about getting married now is because he has a great job with benefits and I am in need of health insurance. So we've been thinking about getting eloped and then having a ceremony later when we can afford it... mostly for my family. Has anyone ever had experience or advice with regards to this matter? Any info would be GREATLY appreciated! 

kevinandmonica2011

Welcome to the board.

To answer your first question, I don't believe that you need a license here in order to be married here, BUT you do need to obtain a marriage license here at least 24 hours prior to your wedding.  Hope that helps.

As for your second question, eloping first with a ceremony later, IMHO, is tacky.  Sorry to be blunt, but marrying someone out of convenience then going through the whole dog and pony show to please your family seems silly to me.  If you love him and plan to marry him anyway (regardless of insurance), why not just plan a wedding?  Or elope, and have a BBQ or something with your family to celebrate.

Basically, you get one wedding per groom (unless it's a cultural thing like one lovely lady on this board).  If you want to elope, awesome... if you want to do the family ceremony thing, awesome too.  It's really kind of hard to have it both ways.  Plus, you would be hard pressed to find someone to perform an actual ceremony for a couple who is already married.  It would be more like a "vow renewal"

Again, sorry that this is blunt, but TBH, it is mild compared to what the Ettiquette board would say.

DondadaTimes2

I agree with Monica.

I dont know your family so I certainly cant speak for them, but if I eloped and then invited my family and/or friends to a later date show (b/c technically thats all it is, a play of sorts), my guests would be angry, hurt, disappointed, etc.

I think someone who elopes then puts on a wedding show is the same as someone who makes a statement then retracts it and plays the "Im sorry, I didnt mean it like that". (#SouljaBoy). You either elope or you dont. You cant have both.

JN382

I completely agree with PP.

Although I don't know you, I would take caution marrying someone out of convenience for the benefits. What happens if he loses his job and you are both out of insurance? Does the "for better or for worse" all of a sudden become inconvenient and null?

Think about the ramifications before eloping-- how would your family feel? There are plenty of ways to save for a nice ceremony and reception without breaking the bank. Lots of ladies have a brunch, cocktail reception as a thank you to those who could attend. It doesn't have to be a $20k wedding!!

Also, I'm curious, but have you discussed marriage before? 10 years seems like a long time to be together, and only discussing it because of benefits seems odd..? Maybe it's just me.

I apologize if this is blunt, but I agree with Monica-- it's less harsh than some of the main boards. Best of luck.

DondadaTimes2

I was totally coming back to talk about the Ins part of it. Glad you mentioned it Jane. That seemed odd to me too. I think whats really odd is the way you worded it

"Also, part of the reason we're thinking about getting married now is because he has a great job with benefits and I am in need of health insurance. "

So are you saying you wouldnt marry him 5 years ago b/c he had bad insurance? Quite frankly, insurance shouldnt be ANY reason to get married. You marry because you love the other person and want to spend the rest of your life with them, for better or for worse, not b/c your OBGYN appt would cost you less.

Also, Im curious as to how old you are and why after 11 years are you discussing marriage? I ask age b/c my SIL married at 24 after "dating" 10 years which made her 14 when they started so ok you were young and why you didnt marry within 5 is understandable. But if youre 30+ and youve been together 11 years then my opinion comes in. I have a 3 yr rule. If after 3 years, I dont see myself marrying you within the next 2-3 yrs...Goodbye. Again, my opinion. I just dont see the point in holding on to someone for 10 years if weve never considered marriage.

I dunno. I think it seems all too sketchy for me.


Edited to add another thought

ThatCrowGirl

Man, it has been a long time since I posted on a forum. Sorry for not giving more background info.

Firstly, I don't care about health insurance.  

Secondly, i'm 29 and he's 27. We've been committed to one another all along, but neither of us felt it was a necessity to marry as we were already commited, so this is really just for legalities more than anything. Its slightly more important that we get married to me because of my family... and lets be honest. What young girl doesn't once or twice dream of a beautiful white dress?  He is pretty much barely tolerating the idea of doing the ceremonial portion of it as it is entirely unimportant to him. He doesn't give a rat's behind about what people think. The most important thing is that we're already committed, married or not. 

I'm not at all in love with the idea of getting eloped. However, if thats all I can afford to do... *shrug*

ThatCrowGirl

I should probably state. Its not that I havent WANTED to marry him. Its that he hasn't ASKED. Yeah. We've discussed it before, but have not been in the position to do anything about it.

DondadaTimes2

Well, my favorite saying "To each his/her own" totally applies, but thats perfect fine. I have a lesbian cousin who can finally marry her g/f of 8 years and feels no need b/c they made their own committment without the legality of it all. Cool. Whatever works for you.

I gotta say though, I am sooo 100% glad that you took what we said and simply explained it to us rather than flip out and get all offended. Thank you for that. We're a pretty honest group and appreciate when people can handle our honest opinions without catching an attitude and getting defensive.

My opinion on the Eloping/Ceremony still stands however. I believe you only get one and people who came to the "show" would feel (I believe) hurt and a bit peeved.

However if money and time are an issue. It is fully possible to have a short term engagement with a cheap wedding. Ill give you my ideas in a few min. I gotta run away for a sec.

JN382

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_central-new-york_hi-there-new-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:621Discussion:5cf94313-4cd4-4214-923c-c3c152135c4ePost:1321232d-ab54-4105-84e8-6eef8c3d1b6c">Re: Hi there! New with questions.</a>:
[QUOTE]Man, it has been a long time since I posted on a forum. Sorry for not giving more background info. Firstly, I don't care about health insurance. :)  Secondly, i'm 29 and he's 27. We've been committed to one another all along, but neither of us felt it was a necessity to marry as we were already commited, so this is really just for legalities more than anything. Its slightly more important that we get married to me because of my family... and lets be honest. <strong>What young girl doesn't once or twice dream of a beautiful white dress?</strong>  He is pretty much <strong>barely tolerating the idea of doing the ceremonial portion</strong> of it as it is entirely unimportant to him. He doesn't give a rat's behind about what people think. The most important thing is that we're already committed, married or not. <strong> I'm not at all in love with the idea of getting eloped. However, if thats all I can afford to do</strong>... *shrug*
Posted by ThatCrowGirl[/QUOTE]

Some of the bolded part raises red flags. It sounds like you two have different ideas of what you want. You seem to want a wedding with the frills, and what he deems is important (or unimportant in this case) runs the relationship. Almost like you're settling for whatever. I've seen this in some of my friend's relationships where they want to be married and settled, but the guy is comfortable-- he has the girl, the life, why commit to the marriage?

Again, you can have a nice ceremony without extravagant costs. In fact, Upstate NY is probably one of the more affordable places to have an affordable wedding.

JN382

Sorry- I mentioned the word "affordable" multiple times. In between work and the knot :-)

ThatCrowGirl

I appreciate you guys taking time to reply, regardless of how blunt you are! 

He has issues with being the center of attention, it doesn't appeal to him. Yes, we have different wants and both realize this. He is happy to do what I would like to do even if he doesn't want to & I promise to put him through as little pain as possible. It doesn't help that he doesn't really have any family or friends that would attend... so it honestly would be for me and my family.

kevinandmonica2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_central-new-york_hi-there-new-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:621Discussion:5cf94313-4cd4-4214-923c-c3c152135c4ePost:6d93e2bc-c61b-4ee6-a644-0a08ad1bec51">Hi there! New with questions.</a>:
[QUOTE]Discussing marriage with my significant other (of 10.5 years!) and we're talking about getting married in my home state of NY (YAHH!!!)... which is not where we are. :) I'm assuming I have to get licensed there in order to get married there, is this correct? <strong>Also, part of the reason we're thinking about getting married now is because he has a great job with benefits and I am in need of health insurance. </strong>So we've been thinking about getting eloped and then having a ceremony later when we can afford it... mostly for my family. Has anyone ever had experience or advice with regards to this matter? Any info would be GREATLY appreciated! 
Posted by ThatCrowGirl[/QUOTE]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_central-new-york_hi-there-new-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:621Discussion:5cf94313-4cd4-4214-923c-c3c152135c4ePost:1321232d-ab54-4105-84e8-6eef8c3d1b6c"><u><font color="#0000ff">Re: Hi there! New with questions.</font></u></a>:
[QUOTE]Man, it has been a long time since I posted on a forum. Sorry for not giving more background info.<strong> Firstly, I don't care about health insurance. :)</strong>  Secondly, i'm 29 and he's 27. We've been committed to one another all along, but neither of us felt it was a necessity to marry as we were already commited, so this is really just for legalities more than anything. Its slightly more important that we get married to me because of my family... and lets be honest. What young girl doesn't once or twice dream of a beautiful white dress?  He is pretty much barely tolerating the idea of doing the ceremonial portion of it as it is entirely unimportant to him. He doesn't give a rat's behind about what people think. The most important thing is that we're already committed, married or not.  I'm not at all in love with the idea of getting eloped. However, if thats all I can afford to do... *shrug*
Posted by ThatCrowGirl[/QUOTE]

JN382

I was thinking the same thing, Monica!

ThatCrowGirl

That was the entire reason for him bringing it up, to be honest.

ThatCrowGirl

I honestly don't think he would have brought it up otherwise.

DondadaTimes2

Ok now Im all sorts of confused. Im so not myself today. I never just jump off the questioning bandwagon.

My thoughts: Something isnt right. Like I stated before (#SouljaBoy) it sounds like youre stating one thing then trying to take it back and then justify it and Im just getting all twisted up in a web of who knows what to believe.

I dont know why youre getting married and Im praying its not for something as stupid as "I need insurance" or for some kind of settling but Im believing that its not for any good reason and from the sounds of it, he's not into the whole marriage thing and pressuring him into it is BS.

JN382

I don't mean to sound rude (please forgive me if it comes across that way), but from what you told us it sounds like you both have been thinking about it since he has a great job, benefits, etc. That he didn't just bring it up.

 If you want a traditional wedding with family and friends there, you really should have a conversation with him. It would be unfortunate to act on an elopment without thinking it through, and later realizing that you can't go back and call "re-do".

ThatCrowGirl

I guess I'm the one that is confusing all of you.

I'm sorry about that.

I'm slightly wishy washy about how I feel about the whole thing. Let me start over.

SO - I happened to mention in front of his mother (whom I love and adore) - that I was ok with NOT getting married, in fact I said "Why ruin a good thing?". She went back and told him this. So he came home and casually asked over dinner whether or not I wanted to get married stating I could get health insurance, however followed up by "I don't actually believe in marriage." So I straight up declined, sulked for two days and finally once he figured out why I wasn't talking to him he said "Its not like I don't want to spend my life with you, blah blah blah."

I was really, absolutely fine with NOT getting married before he said anything about it. I still want to spend my life with him. I do not want to get married BECAUSE of health insurance. I am still considering NOT getting married however, I would also love to be his wife.

Am I making any less sense? I suspect I am!

kevinandmonica2011

So... you are contemplating marriage with a guy who does not believe in it...??

 Holding a ceremony in front of your family and friends would pretty much be a mockery, since he has made his beliefs quite clear.

ThatCrowGirl

I'm the one who suggested getting eloped considering he has made his views quite clear! I've already told him I don't want to do anything he doesn't, he has said that he wants to do it for me because it means something to me.

There is no win here.

JN382

"I am still considering NOT getting married however, I would also love to be his wife."

This a total contradiction. It sounds like you both are completely conforming to what the other wants; totally disregarding your personal beliefs, wants or needs. Of course relationships are about compromise and giving, but it's still important to have similar outlooks on marriage, children, etc. I don't mean to go off topic too much, but do you want children? Does he? You may find yourself in a similar battle in the future.

DondadaTimes2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_central-new-york_hi-there-new-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:621Discussion:5cf94313-4cd4-4214-923c-c3c152135c4ePost:4efc10ba-6f30-4405-9915-c0d3dc74df5a">Re: Hi there! New with questions.</a>:
[QUOTE]I guess I'm the one that is confusing all of you. I'm sorry about that. <font color="#ff0000"><strong>I'm slightly wishy washy about how I feel about the whole thing</strong>.</font> Let me start over. SO - I happened to mention in front of his mother (whom I love and adore) - that <font color="#ff0000"><strong>I was ok with NOT getting married, in fact I said "Why ruin a good thing?".</strong></font> She went back and told him this. So he came home and casually asked over dinner whether or not I wanted to get married stating I could get health insurance, however followed up by <font color="#ff0000"><strong>"I don't actually believe in marriage."</strong></font> So I straight up declined, sulked for two days and finally once he figured out why I wasn't talking to him he said "Its not like I don't want to spend my life with you, blah blah blah." <strong><font color="#ff0000">I was really, absolutely fine with NOT getting married before he said anything about it.</font></strong> I still want to spend my life with him. I do not want to get married BECAUSE of health insurance. I am still considering NOT getting married however, I would also love to be his wife. Am I making any less sense? I suspect I am!
Posted by ThatCrowGirl[/QUOTE]


All your own red flags. Even one would suggest you not get married, but you just raised 4. And the fact that you didnt care before you realized you "couldnt have it" is kinda huge.

Your story is starting to make me feel like my marriage means nothing. The fact that someone can play this "I dont care, no wait I do. He doesnt want it but will do it for shiits and giggles anyways" is killing the sanctity of marriage. You were right, why ruin what you have, and why make a mockey of people who get married for all the RIGHT and REAL reasons?!

DondadaTimes2

And ditto what Jane just said.

What about kids? Are you going to just give in and have one despite being totally against kids because he kinda wants one but is ok without having one but when you said no he wanted what he couldnt have?

Im gunna go ahead and suggest you two go to couples counseling long before you make any big moves. Your relationship is one big ball of not holding your own and goes far beyond compromise and jumps head first into settling and giving in. Thats not right and again, ruins everything marriage stands for

DondadaTimes2

And ditto what Jane just said.

What about kids? Are you going to just give in and have one despite being totally against kids because he kinda wants one but is ok without having one but when you said no he wanted what he couldnt have?

Im gunna go ahead and suggest you two go to couples counseling long before you make any big moves. Your relationship is one big ball of not holding your own and goes far beyond compromise and jumps head first into settling and giving in. Thats not right and again, ruins everything marriage stands for.

ThatCrowGirl

This doesn't help. However I understand your points. Thanks guys.

JN382

"Has anyone ever had experience or advice with regards to this matter? Any info would be GREATLY appreciated! "

I think everyone has offered great advice. Advice would be to really think about your priorities as an individual, and as Bridgett said, seek counseling. Maybe after being together so long, you have lost sight of what you really want. It might be time to reevaluate both your priorities.

DondadaTimes2

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_central-new-york_hi-there-new-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:621Discussion:5cf94313-4cd4-4214-923c-c3c152135c4ePost:5b8e3231-2241-414f-b57f-88a7c12edea5">Re: Hi there! New with questions.</a>:
[QUOTE]This doesn't help. However I understand your points. Thanks guys.
Posted by ThatCrowGirl[/QUOTE]

Everything Jane said and then...

You want an answer to the eloping question and only that question? My answer then is absolutely not can you have 2 weddings. It becomes a dog and pony show and is extremely disrespectful to your families who want to see their kids get married, not see a play about what could have happened if they hadnt run to Las Vegas, or the courthouse without them. You either get the party or you don't.

However, in my opinion based on everything else youve said, if youre insistant on going through with this show, do it by eloping. Save your friends and family the embarrassment of having to watch 2 people do something in the eyes of God that really means nothing at all. He doesnt want it and you only want it b/c you cant have it and b/c you dont have a job with decent insurance...if its obvious to us, your families for sure see it.

MelissaC315

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_central-new-york_hi-there-new-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:621Discussion:5cf94313-4cd4-4214-923c-c3c152135c4ePost:1544ea99-be8c-43a4-a595-3c5208a7a2ad">Re: Hi there! New with questions.</a>:
[QUOTE]And ditto what Jane just said. What about kids? Are you going to just give in and have one despite being totally against kids because he kinda wants one but is ok without having one but when you said no he wanted what he couldnt have? <strong>Im gunna go ahead and suggest you two go to couples counseling long before you make any big moves</strong>. Your relationship is one big ball of not holding your own and goes far beyond compromise and jumps head first into settling and giving in. Thats not right and again, ruins everything marriage stands for
Posted by DondadaTimes2[/QUOTE]

Sorry to jump in but I second that! Great suggestion!  Couples therapy could really help you guys enormously.... communicate, figure out where your lives are headed, and what your values are and how they mesh together.... I think you should both consider that before you talk about marriage or a wedding.

DondadaTimes2

Jump away! Josh and I were required to do a little counseling with our Pastor before he would marry us and it was great! We talked about things we didn't think to talk about and things were brought up that we both kept hush and let slide. Definitely made us a better couple and reminded us why we got together in the first place.

I totally recommend it.

Obviously new chick here has an issue with it, but I mean shes wanting to marry a guy who is only offering to marry her so she has insurance. She must know better than this lady!

ThatCrowGirl

I'm not Christian, i'm pagan. He's not Christian OR pagan, he's agnostic :P

We just have different views on life from you guys.

As for everything else. We'll make it, i'm not concerned. Married or not.

kevinandmonica2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_central-new-york_hi-there-new-questions?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:621Discussion:5cf94313-4cd4-4214-923c-c3c152135c4ePost:baa70b17-0452-43f4-bac5-cace54aa2c57">Re: Hi there! New with questions.</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>I'm not Christian, i'm pagan. He's not Christian OR pagan, he's agnostic :P</strong> We just have different views on life from you guys. :) As for everything else. We'll make it, i'm not concerned. Married or not.
Posted by ThatCrowGirl[/QUOTE]

I feel the need to point out that the bolded statement (followed by a tongue sticking out??) was completely irrelevant.  There are many people who are of varying religions or belief systems that still believe in marriage and value pre-marital or couples counseling.  I'm not sure whether your statement was in response to marriage in general or the many suggestions for counseling... but either way... it's a mute point I guess... although I have to echo that counseling seems like a really good idea.  <em>Then again, given that you have it all figured out already and you two agree on everything and such, I guess it's not really needed in your case. 
</em>
The girls have provided some very insightful comments and suggested several things that one should think about/discuss/agree on prior to marriage...

Glad to hear you're not concerned... it seems like the rest of us are concerned enough for you.  Good luck.

ETA:  sarcasm font added for clarification