New York

wedding was called off :(

3 weeks ago my FI called it all off. I'm heartbroken. We had some bumps in the road we are working on. But basically my family and there demands were to much for him. I wanted to call it off because it was to much for me and they're my family. So finally he said enough it was done, were not getting married. He wants to marry me because he loves me, not because of this or that just simply because he loves me and it felt like my family was turing thing into something else.

I think the last straw was we really wanted a small ice cream cake then under that all the cupcakes. And my family said no. We offered to pay but were told to get it on our own time. Plus he already didn't want him family driving 8+ hours or more in some cases 12+ hours to our wedding but gave in.

I think the wedding box set him off too. We made it ourselves something we finally did together for the wedding and we loved it. (We made it a tack trunk with a race horse on it) and my family just put us down. Said it wasn't good enough. :(


He really now wants to just go to the justice of the peace. Like we WANTED to orginally do. Just a small simple thing. I really want to. But I know my family would hate me. Now they tell me because we called it off we had better not get married. And even after we called it off my aunts were still asking me are we getting together 11.11? Basically it seemed they just want a family gathering. They all live 10mins maybe apart I live 3 hours away.


But now I don't know what to do. Get married how we wanted with our money do it our way and have my family hate me and pretend i'm not married, or just deal with it and never get married?

Re: wedding was called off :(

  • KTina&BJKTina&BJ member
    100 Comments First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Its your guys wedding not your families so you two need to do what you want. Your parent might be mad and upset for awhile but they will eventually get over it. Who knows maybe when they find out your doing it your way how you want they will come around. If they were paying for your wedding then ok they get a say but if your willing to pay for your own wedding then they should but out. Dont ruin your happiness for someone else.
  • edited December 2011
    It's easy to say "it's your wedding, not your family"-- but your family is your family, they will always be there. Sure, they may be dictating a lot of what's going on with the wedding, but they will still be there after you are married. You will have holidays, birthdays, family affairs in which both families will always be present. It doesn't end after you're married.

    In terms of the wedding, who is paying? If they are, then they do have certain say. I'm not sure a cake is worth calling the whole thing off? It seems odd. If you are paying, it truly is your say. They will get over it.

    The reality is, if he can't stand your family's "demands", be prepared for a lifetime of struggle.

    I hate admitting this because it was a long time ago, but I was engaged at the ripe age of 23 and he called it off because of my family. They were too "interfering". It was the BEST thing that could have ever happened to me. I was devastated, but as time went on I learned more about myself and the bastard who tried to ruin my relationship with my parents. I'm now 30 and marrying the man of my dreams who adores my parents and the relationship I have with them.

    You might need to look at the bigger picture. Eloping may make things worse.

    I am so sorry this happened. Best of luck to you both.
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  • AllgaierAllgaier member
    Third Anniversary 10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thank you both. The worst part is I don't have a good family relationship at all. I never have with my parents as much as I try I can never seem to work it out with them. This has been going on since I was little.

    It was more than the cake but I didn't want to make this super long. And my parents were paying even though we wanted to. But it was my aunts who went really overboard over it. My mom tried in a way to stick up for me but they knew so much more about weddings she just said ok fine. And then I had to go with it. It was just a mess over everything. It's a very long list. Like I said I wanted something small and simple and it got to the point of everyone buying new outfits and gowns and I wanted country to listen to at the wedding my aunt throgh a fit. Plus they gave me a list of rules for my wedding of things I could and couldn't do. One of them was I wasn't allowed to drink until the after, after party.

    Now I'm just stuck. I'd really like to have kids too but I won't do that unless I'm married so I feel like my whole life is just on hold. Now I see why my cousin has been with a girl for about 5 years now and hasn't proposed.
  • edited December 2011
    Deep breath!

    If you don't have a great relationship with your family, why did you agree to let them pay? If you want to, then you call it off and do it the way you both want to. I'm just confused because if the relationship isn't great, then why care about the demands?

    What's most important at the end of the day? The wedding details no one will remember or that you're married to the man you love? And if someone told me I wasn't to drink until after the wedding, I would tell them where to stick it. That's just crazy! Unless...

    I don't want to intrude, but may I ask how old you both are? I'm curious because if you are letting a not-so-great relationship with the family dictate your life so much that you don't know if you're going to have children, well, that's huge.

    It still seems like there's more going on here. It may just be me, though!

    image 131 invited image 120 are ready to party! image 11 will miss the festivities! Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • AllgaierAllgaier member
    Third Anniversary 10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    lol I need to breathe and relax more. I agreed because like I said I keep trying to fix this relationship with them that just seem's can't be fixed.

    I gave in because they said then we won't show up to your wedding unless you do it here and we won't consider you married unless you do it here and our way. My Grandmother wants to see one grandchild married before she passes too.

    The most important thing is marrying the one I love. They didn't want me drinking because they want me sober so I could greet and talk to everyone they invited a tons of their friends I haven't met and wanted me to meet them, that was the big thing. I wasn't going to get hammered or anything but I would like to enjoy the beer and what not we bought at the wedding. I mean who wouldn;t?

    I let them control and do this so much because I want their approval. I shouldn't anymore I tired to move home and it was a total fail at one point. I just need to stop trying to please them when they only bring me stress.

    I'm 23 soon to be 24, he's 30. Another thing was I really want to have kids and I want to have them some what young not to old. But I want to have them when I'm married and married for a bit first.
  • edited December 2011
    Yes, relax!  I'm going to go out on a limb here, and please do not take what I say as offensive. It's just an opinion.

    I understand wanting family approval. I do. But maybe from your FI's perspective, he didn't want to be told when he can drink, what he can dance to, etc. That may have been the "last straw" for him. (And I agree, I can't stand when I see bride's trashed.) He's 30, and at that point, most men have a grasp on what they should or shouldn't be doing. It isn't just your mom or your dad, but your extended family which could have scared him. The cake, wedding box, etc. just seem too much of the "minutia" to be the last straw..?  They will ALWAYS be your family, but there is still a line that can be crossed, and that may have been it. He may have also been depending on you to be firm with the family on the  things you two want(ed), and it didn't happen. Especially because you are three hours away and not neighbors.

    And with the children thing, you have plenty of time!! It is, of course, not the world's business when you do/dont have kids, but having a stable marriage/relationship is important. Your mid-20's bring about a lot of changes. You may seem frustrated today, but give it time and see how things go. You might be surprised in the end.


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  • sbolger17sbolger17 member
    Seventh Anniversary 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I'm so sorry this is happening and I'm sorry your family is so difficult.

    At the end of the day, if you and FI want to get married, you can do it any old way you want, whether it be a big celebration or a JOP.  I would hope that if you went the JOP route, your family would eventually accept it. 

    A friend of H's moved their wedding up by six months because apparently it was turning into a huge affair that they didn't want.  They are still happily married two and a half years later and the family got over it.

    GL and keep us posted!
  • edited December 2011
    At the end of the day, if you and FI want to get married, you can do it any old way you want, whether it be a big celebration or a JOP.

    This.


    P.S. Slow day at work which why I'm captivated by TK at the moment. :-) Sorry if I'm over-responsive!
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  • bitofritsbitofrits member
    Sixth Anniversary 100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Of course I don't really know your family, but in my opinion I think you should just do it your way with your own money.  Your family may "hate you" at first, but I hope that sooner rather than later they'd realize it was YOUR day and just GET OVER IT.  Good luck!  Sorry you have such a difficult situation.  :(
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  • edited December 2011
    You must have a lot of patience... "rules for your wedding" - keyword - YOUR wedding day.  Family is great, but you have to live your life for you... If you and your FI want to get married, do it your way.  Calmly explain to the family, we're getting married, and would love for them to celebrate it with you, please show up at xyz venue at xyz date and time.  They may not like it, but if they love you and I'm sure they do, they will respect your decision in making an adult decision that is best for you and the rest of your life.    And if you want to elope at the JP or have a destination wedding with just the two of you, send them a post card.  :)


  • edited December 2011
    I am probably going to be in the minority here, but please allow me to offer a different perspective. I know how it feels to have money shoved down your throat... as in, not accepting the money would be just as harmful and offensive as accepting it and disregarding what they tell you to do with it... and you just dont want to have to sever a relationship because someone was offended by you not allowing to "help" you... but you have to make a decision about what is more important in your life, healthy relationships (even if its only one relationship, with your FI), or unhealthy, strained relationships that make you feel like an indentured servant/like youre not deserving of the freedom to live your life as you choose. You can say family is family and they will always be there, but i come from the experience that sharing blood and DNA should not and does not give someone the right to dictate how I live my life. Your future will be with FI, not these aunts
  • MCTD31MCTD31 member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011

    Wow. I mentioned in a previous post that I've planned every last detail of my wedding by myself, and I like it that way because I know what I want. I just cannot imagine anyone trying to tell me how to plan my own wedding, vetoing my ideas, etc. That's just crazy, I really feel for you. Your wedding is a reflection of you and your relationship, and nobody should be able to tell you how to go about it.

    Your family isn't being respectful or supportive, which is their primary purpose at a time like this. They need to know when to take a back seat. I would let nothing and no one interfere with my relationship. Family is important, but my FI is my family....the person I'm going to create a family with. Blood isn't always thicker than water....until your family starts acting more reasonably, I would have zero concern for what they have to say about how you choose to start the rest of your life with your FI. Marry that man however you want to!

  • AllgaierAllgaier member
    Third Anniversary 10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thank you ladies. I guess I did drop the ball in a way. He expected me to stand up to my family and say well this is what we want and I didn't. And did he really want to have to live with me always getting my families way. I know we always tell the ladies on here we'll if he can't stand up to his family can you deal with it? I guess in a way it was him wondering that. Since they always push and get there way when they come to visit and if I can't make plan with them it's oh how awful I am I must not love them so i cave take days off and figure out how to pay bills  later.

    I think I do need to talk to him and tell him listen if we do decide we want to still get married we do but it hardly ever comes up now. We should do it how we planned how we wanted. I mean he tried to plan the whole thing. He picked out venues he told me to go buy a dress got the invites did the card box he wanted the cake and i just picked out the topper and then my family to tell him no and give him no say. I didn't really realize how much he was pry hurt.

    I have a lot to really think about now.
  • edited December 2011
    I think youre absolutely correct in what you say he's thinking. If my husbands family was always in my face and telling me how my life was going to go and he just stood there and dealt with it, I would take him to be a momma boy, a child, and a coward...I'd never marry him and I certainly wouldnt expect him to marry me if the tables were turned.

    I think you need to do some serious soul searching. Do you want to be married to him for the rest of your life? Or do you want to be without him (but hey you got your family)? Theyre your family and maybe they will be pissed at first, but when they see how happy you are, they'll get over it. If they dont get over it, is that really the people you want to be with all the time? Family who would rather get their way than see you happy? Lets be honest, once you marry him...HE is also your family and by letting the others walk all over you, youre telling him theyre your priority and they are more important.

    People are inherently stupid. Weddings make it painfully obvious -- KevinandMonica
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  • edited December 2011
    I don't have much time to go through everyone's responses (sorry...)... but I just want to say I am so sorry for everything you are going through. 

    I hope when the dust settles you are at peace with whatever situation (married, eloped, single) you find yourself in.

    Best of luck.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_central-new-york_wedding-called-off?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:621Discussion:ba172300-5b1b-4b29-92d2-a49f25e363c5Post:c6a4b461-1dbc-4e83-874f-0a7cbb926e5f">Re: wedding was called off :(</a>:
    [QUOTE]I think youre absolutely correct in what you say he's thinking. If my husbands family was always in my face and telling me how my life was going to go and he just stood there and dealt with it, I would take him to be a momma boy, a child, and a coward...I'd never marry him and I certainly wouldnt expect him to marry me if the tables were turned. I think you need to do some serious soul searching. Do you want to be married to him for the rest of your life? Or do you want to be without him (but hey you got your family)? Theyre your family and maybe they will be pissed at first, but when they see how happy you are, they'll get over it. If they dont get over it, is that really the people you want to be with all the time? Family who would rather get their way than see you happy? Lets be honest, once you marry him...HE is also your family and by letting the others walk all over you, youre telling him theyre your priority and they are more important.
    Posted by DondadaTimes2[/QUOTE]

    Ok... took a few min to read everything... holy book. ladies, lol.

    I have to definitely agree with Bridgett here. 

    By letting your family run the show, you are letting them walk all over you AND him.  TBH (sorry this is going to be harsh), If I were him I would have probably hit the road.  He is probably wondering if he really wants the rest of his life to be controlled by your family... and from everything you have said, can you blame him? 

    I don't know much about your relationship with him, but if you are seriously considering marrying this man, HE will be your family and your #1 priority.  You need to stand up for yourself and for him.  No one should be getting in the way of that relationship. 

    I really really seriously suggest some sort of counseling before you move forward in any direction.  There seem to be some serious deep seeded issues at play here.  Before making a commitment to someone, you really should work through your issues of trying to keep the peace and please everyone.  With an attitude like that, your own feelings and needs are going to get lost.

    You also mentioned children several times which, TBH, worries me.  You are barely able to speak up for yourself... thinking about having children until you gain some confidence and a voice of your own just doesn't sound like a great idea.  If you think parents like to meddle when it comes to relationships and weddings... just wait until there are babies... it only gets worse.

    I wish you luck.  It is obvious that you love this man, but for his sake and yours I think you really should take some time to sort through your problems, get your head on straight and then move forward.

    Best of luck.
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  • AllgaierAllgaier member
    Third Anniversary 10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Thank you ladies, so much. I do believe your right. And to be honest like you said yeah maybe he should of hit the road. I allowed him to get walked on by letting them take over. That wasn't right, I had no idea that was happening until I finally sat down after it was all over and really thought and listened to your replies.

    I have been looking to get into see someone to figure out why I feel I need approval and to please them. So that I can stop and stand up for myself. I have cut contact with them for now. Have not told them anything about anything. I have spoken with my Grandmother but she makes sure not to tell them.

    I do hope to find peace with whatever happens. I just hope he believes me when I say this is not ever going to happen again.
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