Go for it... your thoughts on HM registry

kikipania

I was surprised at how many people thought it was offensive to have a HM registry. Until today, I've never really thought of it before!

I was going back and forth on asking this, and decided to go for it.

What are your thoughts on it?

Fine? Tacky? And please explain why you feel the way you do

kikipania

Let me add this... by HM registry I mean extra HM activities.... horseback riding, scuba diving.... NOT airfare, hotel rooms, food, etc.

pandasquishy

I, my family, and my circle find them rude.  IMO they're like asking for money (even if you are registering for "activities" it's still money) and that's never okay.  As a guest, I'd rather get you something you can use over a life time, not for a week.  

Also, just because you think people you know have no problem with them, you don't know for sure because people don't generally tell you to your face if you're being rude.  Case in point: my cousin had one.  No one told her to her face they thought she was being tacky, but we all talked about it amongst ourselves.  

Traditionally it is the grooms job to pay for the HM.  More modernly, I'm okay with the couple paying for it together, but if the couple cannot afford it they should take a long weekend somewhere close by or go nowhere at all.  HMs aren't mandatory after all.

Also, I have been with people who take "mini-moons" and then take a longer HM a year or more later.  There is not such thing as a "mini-moon".  It is your Honeymoon.  Whatever you do later is just a vacation.

kikipania

Thanks for your answer!

What are your thoughts on registeries in general then? Do you think they're also a "gimme gimme money" thing?

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_honeymoon_thoughts-hm-registry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:11Discussion:5c42ef9d-d57e-4fbc-a95f-7202aa69031fPost:addfd0fc-3bf5-49aa-b5a6-265b58e72a4c">Re: Go for it... your thoughts on HM registry</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for your answer! What are your thoughts on registeries in general then? Do you think they're also a "gimme gimme money" thing?
Posted by kikipania[/QUOTE]

<div>Um, as long as you don't register for money, or put anything about gifts or registries in the invitations... no?</div><div>
</div><div>HM registries - wouldn't do one, our families would think it was rude. But in general, if you do one, just register for the "extras" like horseback rides, and then take pics to send with your TY cards. And do another, traditional registry. </div>

pandasquishy

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_honeymoon_thoughts-hm-registry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:11Discussion:5c42ef9d-d57e-4fbc-a95f-7202aa69031fPost:addfd0fc-3bf5-49aa-b5a6-265b58e72a4c">Re: Go for it... your thoughts on HM registry</a>:
[QUOTE]Thanks for your answer! What are your thoughts on registeries in general then? Do you think they're also a "gimme gimme money" thing?
Posted by kikipania[/QUOTE]

<div>Registries in general are a-ok in my book.  Even ones for electronics and camping gear are great if that's what you're into.  But registries that put up a front for money are not.  That includes those terrible "buy me a house" registries or whatever they're called.</div>

AmoroAgain

Personally, I registered for plastic surgery, but that's because I'm old and decrepit.

emilyinchile

I think they're fine as long as it's only extras, your guests don't pay a fee to give you something and you have at least one other traditional registry (a real, substantial one, not something with like two pans and a pillow so you can argue that you had one).

If you give people the choice, I don't think it's wrong. Personally, if I knew the couple already had things for their home, I might contribute to the HM. A friend who lives in Chile but got married in the US (her hometown) used Honeyfund because for them it would have been basically impossible to bring phsyical gifts back to Chile considering the cost of shipping. In a situation like that, where most people will probably just give money, I think it would be nice to be able to give you the gift of "dinner on the beach" rather than just a check, even if in the end it's really the same thing.

demarcosjd

We are also considering going to Aruba for our HM! We are booking after the New Year. We are also considering doing a registry, same as you ONLY extra activities.

We have talked to a lot of our guests about it and none of them have said they thought it was tacky (I have a lot of opinionated friends and family). A lot of them wished they would have done something like this. They expressed that they would rather buy off of that instead of getting a blender that essentially could break or be replaced. They would rather get us horseback riding or a couples massage where the memory and experience would last forever. Who are you considering going through to do the registry?

MillerPugliese

I've gone back and forth on a HM registry and I think we are going to do one strictly for activities. FI and I live together and our apartment is smaller (all that stuff would just pile up).
We are going to have a regular registry at Bed, Bath & Beyond or Macy's. If guests don't like the HM registry and think it's tacky they can chose off your regular registry. Win - win situation IMO

demarcosjd

I agree we are also registered at Macy's and Target so if someone does not like the idea of a HM registry they have other options.

katebh

I'm of the thinking that if if one registry is rude they all are. Any registry is asking for gift which is incredibly rude in general. But personally, I would much rather give a couple , especially a couple with a well established home, a memorable honeymoon. We're debating on this as well, as my family is very "proper" but if we register for traditional items they will go into storage and we'll get no use out of them. And to me there is nothing more rude than passing the word that you want CASH as a gift.

emilyinchile

Sorry, to clarify: I'm not doing a HM registry. I just wouldn't find it rude if a friend did. The only person I know who's done it used Honeyfund and liked it.

leah2b

I simply do not under stand why people feel they are rude - quite frankly, it is no different than a traditional registry where you are essentially asking people to buy you stuff.  Personally, i would rather contribute to a wonderful honeymoon anyday than buy another blender.





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shadow0304

I am also pretty sure we'll be doing a HM registry, and I've asked everyone along the way (friends, co-workers, etc.) if they found it tacky. I have not heard a single person make a negative comment about it. They actually thought it was pretty cool (and/or wished they had done it themselves). I'm not really sure why there is the suggestion to make sure you if you go that route, you ONLY register for activities, not airfare, etc.

It would be a waste (for us at least), to register at a 'traditional' store - like someone else said, those things would go to storage or get returned. Bummer for the person who spent time/$ picking it out.

The one thing to consider is paying for that fee that some HM sites have so your guests don't have a surprise when they checkout on the web site. A nice gesture if you can swing it.

jennylove810

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_honeymoon_thoughts-hm-registry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:11Discussion:5c42ef9d-d57e-4fbc-a95f-7202aa69031fPost:842be4d2-d8c3-4576-91b3-9686feff88e5">Re: Go for it... your thoughts on HM registry</a>:
[QUOTE]I simply do not under stand why people feel they are rude - quite frankly, it is no different than a traditional registry where you are essentially asking people to buy you stuff.  Personally, i would rather contribute to a wonderful honeymoon anyday than buy another blender. -
Posted by leah2b[/QUOTE]

Ditto.

mwhitson14

I think they are rude because no other time in your life would you ask for someone to pay for your vacation, because that's simply what a HM is: a vacation. Yes, it's all fancied up and called a honeymoon, but it's still a vacation. I think it's rude to ask someone to give you cash with the pretense of a honeymoon registry. Some places charge a fee. Some places don't actually pay for those items, they cut you a check. In that case, you might actually still have to pay for your extravagant HM on your own and twiddle your thumbs waiting for the check to come in.

My family would be appalled if we had done something like this, and basically would have said, "Pay for your own vacation." They also wouldn't have felt very comfortable turning over their personal information and credit card info to a random website called honeyfund.

I do not have a problem with traditional registries because it is not a registry asking for cash. It is a list of gifts that you NEED to start off your new life together. I think it's ridiculous to do a HM registry when you need things like pots and pans and sheets, etc.

If you have been living together for a while, I understand the desire for a HM registry. But still. Your situation is not new. People know and understand you've been living together for a while. And unless you're Paris Hilton marrying Stavros then surely to goodness you can think of something you need. Upgraded sheets, towels, kitchenaid mixer, that amazing coffeepot you've been eyeing. If you just absolutely can not think of anything you need, tell people that when they ask.

"Oh, friend! Thanks for thinking of us! But we honestly have everything we need, so we didn't register anywhere. We can't wait to see you at the wedding though!"

And you know what will happen? They will get the hint you want cash. And you know what you can do with your cash? Pay for your HM! Now that's a win-win.

kaesha

I'm also of the all registries are rude opinion. To me, they read as a gift grab. We received some incredibly thoughtful gifts without the help of a wish list. Yes, there were some things I wouldn't use, but it's the thought that counts and I'm grateful for everything we received.

We were married in Hawai'i, and many of our guests pre-paid for us to do activities or gave us gift certificates to restaurants... frankly I found it exhausting doing everything they'd given us.

WillandTiana

I COMPLETELY agree with leah2b.  I can see that point how some people might find it rude to include any registry at all - however, it has become pretty much standard for a couple to register somewhere and if you are not registered anywhere how will people know what to get you???  For myself and my fiance we do not live near ANYONE in our family and since they live all over the country its virtually impossible to call or let people know other than including it in the invitations.  We are both much older than most couples getting married (I'm 30 and he's 36) and have mutually lived on our own for many years so we have absolutely NO NEED for any gift on a traditional registry.  If we did a traditional registry, we would more than likely return the items and receive cash which I personally think is MORE tacky to do.  So yes, we will be doing an HM registry including the room and flight because that is honestly what we need - more memories and not "stuff."

Goldlie11

I think that it would be good to do both a traditional registry as well as the honeymoon registry.  I don't see registries as rude because people are not forced to buy from them.  I like registries because they take the guessing out of gift buying and I know I am buying something the person (or couple) want.  Registries also help keep gift duplication down. 

I don't think honeymoon registries are that bad (although I don't think that I'll be doing one myself). I think that some people might take pleasure in the fact that they are contributing to something you will actually enjoy, not something that you will be returning to the store.   If someone I knew had a honeymoon registry, I would contribute.  

mumidi

We registered for our HM, and I really don't care what people think.  We already have a house, and registered at BB&B and got lots of wonderful stuff for our shower.  Only 3 people bought from our HM registry for our shower.  Personally I think some people don't want to just give money so contributing towards our shower is something they can do if they don't want to give a tradional gift.

Musicheals71

First of all, I already have a registry at Target only because my mother kept asking me when I was going to do one because certain aunts of mine kept asking her where I'm registered!  So it's almost expected these days that most couples will have some kind of registry.  I only added a few basic items on it so far and may add to it later if necessary.

Second of all, I agree with the majority:  I don't think a HM registry is tacky and I am considering doing one myself.  My FI is 49, I am 38, and we have been living together for over 2 years and combined our individual households into one, so we already have tons of stuff!  I agree with PP that some guests may want to contribute to your special HM memories than risk getting you something that will just go into storage!  Not doing any kind of registry at all will leave guests with no clue what to get you, so they actually like having some direction IMO.

curryl

I am 35 and my fiance is 47.  I own a home and between us we have everything we "need".  I personally, like to give gifts that people really want and will use.  If it's a blender, then they get a blender.  If it's $200 on a plane ticket, so be it.  I personally would like to do a HM registry.  I will probably do a traditional registry as well.  I'm also they kind of person that doesn't mind if I don't get a gift at all.  I would feel priviledged if all my guest came to my wedding and shared the day with me! Registries and gifts are not mandatory!!

emilyinchile

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_honeymoon_thoughts-hm-registry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:11Discussion:5c42ef9d-d57e-4fbc-a95f-7202aa69031fPost:ef597bf5-3e73-4bad-ad2b-fcca90363e6b">Re: Go for it... your thoughts on HM registry</a>:
[QUOTE]I do not have a problem with traditional registries because it is not a registry asking for cash. It is a list of gifts that you NEED to start off your new life together. I think it's ridiculous to do a HM registry when you need things like pots and pans and sheets, etc. If you have been living together for a while, I understand the desire for a HM registry. But still. Your situation is not new. People know and understand you've been living together for a while. And unless you're Paris Hilton marrying Stavros then surely to goodness you can think of something you need. Upgraded sheets, towels, kitchenaid mixer, that amazing coffeepot you've been eyeing.
Posted by mwhitson14[/QUOTE]

I think that's where the difference of opinion comes in. I don't think anyone NEEDS any housewares beyond the absolute basics (which, let's face it, most people can afford a set of sheets and enough plates and silverware for the couple to eat). So to me asking for people to buy me gifts is asking for luxuries anyway, and it doesn't make all that much of a difference whether it's a fancy kitchen appliance that I'll have forever or a snorkeling excursion that I'll remember forever. I know at least some of my friends and family would feel the same way (although I'm not doing an HM registry, I'm just talking in principle.).

I do see where the "anti-HM registry" feeling comes from, and I know that for some people asking for contributions to a trip is totally different from asking for a physical gift. I just don't share that sentiment.

jngross78

My fiance and I are going to do a HM in addition to C&B and Macy's.  We both had many things we needed when we met, but need updated items for our home.  Besides that, our friends and family know how much we love to travel, and so far, each of them has mentioned how much they love the idea of a HM.  We are just going to keep the cost of items on the HM low.  My guess, based on their responses, is that many will buy something from the HM and something from one other registry.

Personally, I believe that your HM is supposed to be a once in a lifetime event, and if our loved ones want to be a part of that in some way, why wouldn't we let them (well, other than letting them tag along....)

asl71476

We did a HM registry, and a Macy's/Target registry. We are both established adults, have all the toasters, towels, kitchen gadgets that we could possibly need or want. I don't find a HM registry rude at all. If my wedding guests want to give me the gift of a raft tour thru Hawaii, I'm appreciative. If they want to give a sheet set, I'm appreciative. If they want to give me $5, I'm appreciative. If they just want to show up and give me a hug and a kiss, I'm appreciative. When you were little, and you celebrated Christmas, you wrote a letter to Santa so that he would know what you wanted. What's the big deal doing it now?

glam70s

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_honeymoon_thoughts-hm-registry?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:11Discussion:5c42ef9d-d57e-4fbc-a95f-7202aa69031fPost:ef597bf5-3e73-4bad-ad2b-fcca90363e6b">Re: Go for it... your thoughts on HM registry</a>:
[QUOTE]I think they are rude because no other time in your life would you ask for someone to pay for your vacation, because that's simply what a HM is: a vacation. [/QUOTE]
In this way, I don't think it's any different at all from a traditional registry. I don't know about you, but there is no other time in my life I would ask anyone to pay for a traditional gift either.

[QUOTE]And unless you're Paris Hilton marrying Stavros then surely to goodness you can think of something you need. Upgraded sheets, towels, kitchenaid mixer, that amazing coffeepot you've been eyeing.
Posted by mwhitson14[/QUOTE]
I think it's borderline rude to ask people to spend money on upgrades to things you already have. Sure, I could use my registry to upgrade to egyptian cotton sheets, or to buy a stand mixer, but you cannot make the argument that I NEED those things. Absolutely nobody NEEDS a stand mixer or fancy coffee pot, any more than they need a memorable vacation.

You could say, 'surely to goodness, you can think of something you *want*", because who can't think of something they want? What do I want? I want a honeymoon I'll remember forever. What I don't want is stuff that will clutter up my life.

mwhitson14

Really glam? No one has ever asked you what you want for your birthday or Christmas? Surely someone has said to you, What do you want for your birthday? And you said, Oh, I really need a new coat, etc. And what do you mean clutter up your life? When I get something new, like a coffeepot, pretty sure I take the old one to Goodwill.

Look. I get that I'm the only one disagreeing here and y'all want to quote me and point out the problems with my opinion. But it's just that: an opinion. I'm not trying to convince anyone that they are tacky, and you're not going to convince me they are not tacky.

kirieli923

I think mwhite just said the smartest thing on this board - we really aren't going to convince each other to change our minds about whether the HM registry is tacky or not. 

A traditional registry is a simply a more formal version of giving people a Christmas or birthday wish list when they ask for it.

And, for the record, I have previously and plan to again ask for vacation contributions for gifts.  I don't have space for *stuff* right now, and my friends and family know me well enough to know that contributing to a trip - be it my HM or a vacation with my cousin that we've been planning for years - is much more valuable to me.  The memories will last longer than any physical gift, and I will appreciate and remember the contributions of my loved ones for just as long.

So, do what you feel comfortable with.  If you are too worried about how people will react to your HM registry, then don't have one.  You'll be happier if you aren't worrying.  But if you think that they'll understand and a HM will make you happier than traditional gifts. go for it!

thepips

we are also thinking about an HM registry and don't think it's rude. I have talked to numerous older adults and they say they still have things unwrapped from their weddings in their basements! We have lived together for 4 yrs and have limited space and everything else is in storage,  which is full. We have no room for gifts. We'd be happier if our friends shared in our honeymoon by purchasing a snorkeling trip or a meal or two.  i say go for it.  we are trying to come up with some fun limerick to put on our registry page so everyone knows that we don't really need anything.

amycr3145

I am doing a honeymoon registry, along with maybe 2 department stores for those who are not comfortable with it.. I already live with my fiance so we have everything we need for our home. We both agreed on Paris for our honeymoon, weve never been out of the counrty before and alot of our family has. I think its an awesome way for our guests to buy us experiences and memories, like we are by having the wedding for them. I think its a great idea and just keep open the department store ones for the guests who dont like the honeymoon registry. Good luck with the wedding! -
amy