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Bridesmaid drama - really really long! sorry :)

Sorry this will probably be long - hoping some brides can help that maybe aren't as naturally aggressive in these situations as I can be :)

So I asked about this girl awhile back - my fi's good friend he wanted in the wedding - asking which side she should stand on - we asked her she said shed feel awkward on the guys side so she's on mine - fine - at that point we were getting along - now not so much and i don't know how to handle it because my natural reaction when a friend acts really badly is to talk to them about it and if it happens again take it as a red flag - separate myself - and move on with life - for reasons I'll explain this is not possible.

Ok so this girl dated the guy who was supposed to be our best man for 8 years - naturally my FI and her became friends because he lived with the BM for 6 of the 8. Anyways - not trying to gather sympathy here but it's relevant - he passed away last October - at 27 - not expected - my FI wanted her in our wedding - I think it has a lot to do with in someway that keeps his friend there if that makes sense? So after that happened I kinda became a rock for this girl in terms of the BM - I was there the whole week in the hospital etc and basically took care of her and my FI and so we became close after that week - she emailed me daily - numerous times a day (lives in MN) and I was always always there for her. I was happy to do it - she was important to my FI and I thought we were becoming friends on top of that. About a month and a half ago now she completely started ignoring me - not responding to emails, calls, texts. It took my FI till this weekend to bring it up to her cause he kept saying she must be busy and he hates confrontation. This is what she said to him and I'll try not to make it confusing - my last email when she stopped responding was about my friends wedding coming up on Boston next month - the BM was from Boston so I said my FI had called his parents and we were going to stay at their house Friday and at the hotel of the wedding Saturday. This upset her because she didn't think she should find information out about my FI and the BMs family from me and she felt if she kept talking to me everyday eventually that's how it would be so she decided to stop responding - completely - to everything! Doesn't even respond to a group BM email I sent asking their opinion about dresses. I
Kinda not getting her logic but that's besides the point. So now honestly I'm pissed - I spent so much time and energy consoling her and talking to her and being there for her and everything and she can just drop me like that - obviously the friendship I thought we were forming wasn't there and I kinda don't want her as a bridesmaid anymore - I can't kick her out cause she matters to my FI and he wants me to try and email her again but I everytimr I start I get mad and it comes out aggressive - I'd rather say screw you too - but I can't - so what would you ladies do if you had a bridesmaid who refused to acknowledge you exist but you couldn't kick her out? I can't really talk to my FI about it cause he gets sad about his friend. Thanks and sorry so long!
BabyFruit Ticker

Re: Bridesmaid drama - really really long! sorry :)

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    cmp1986cmp1986 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Sorry that this is happening to you sweetie. Yeah it seems that she was pissed that you had told her about her deceased guy's family. But I mean that's a really stupid reason to get mad. Does your FI talk to her all the time? Either every day stuff or wedding stuff? If it was me, I'd wanna kick her butt out too. I think in this complicated situation you should just stop talking to her. Anything you need to say to her that's wedding related, just have your FI tell her from now on. Let him talk to her and that be that. She has already made it clear that she doesn't wanna talk to you. Also (not to sound bitchy) try and make sure she's not in a lot of your photos. This way you don't get mad everytime you look at them because she's in them. Give her some time and if you still wanna try and be friends with her, ask FI to talk to her about why she's choosing to end all communication with you. There's gotta be more to the story then bringing up her passed BF. HTH!!! Good luck!
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    edited December 2011
    I agree with PP. So sorry you are going through this :( But if she's not making an effort than FI should deal with her. I guess I'm "naturally aggressive" because this would really bother me!! and I usually say what I feel when I'm feeling it... but if FI wants her there...
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    efontefont member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I guess I'm aggressive too. I'd be super pissed if she just out of nowhere stopped talking to me. If she doesn't want to talk about personal stuff, fine. But to not respond to wedding stuff either. That right there just tells me that she doesn't want to be a part of the wedding nor share anything. I understand that she may be upset for whatever her reasons are. But its not cool to just drop someone like that.  I would talk to FI again or try & talk to her by phone using his cell & straight up ask her what is going on & if she still wants to be a part of the wedding. If not, then she chose it & FI can't get mad at you for her not wanting to be a part of it. (You can still invite her as a guest.) If she says she does, then she needs to start responding to your wedding related emails & communicate with the other girls.

    I just keeping thinking about looking back on that day & knowing that someone that didn't want to be  a part of my life played an important role in our day. Does that make sense? Sometimes you just have to let go. You don't need added stress & you shouldn't have wonder if she will show up at the wedding or take part of the events. God forbid she doesn't smile in pics & ruins them....ugh. I'm sorry, I guess I'm pissed because of personal experience as well. That's my 2 cents. I don't mean to add fuel to the fire, but I prefer to be honest.

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    edited December 2011
    <-- Naturally agressive here too.  I cut people out of my guest list for not wishing me a happy birthday!

    I disgress.

    I completely agree ... I guess the most NON-AGRESSIVE I could think of -- IF YOU WANT TO SALVAGE THIS FRIENDSHIP -- is write an e-mail. 

    Tell her you spoke to FI and he mentioned why she distanced herself from you. Apologize because you did not realize mentioning the BM's family would bring up so many memories.  You do consider her a friend and you do not want her to be hurt the way this separation has hurt you.  You now understand and will help her get over this by not bringing anything up in regards to BM.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    edited December 2011
    Thank you ladies - Im glad to know other ppl would be mad too -  I feel the same way that if she has no desire to even pretend to be nice to me how important can her relationship with my FI really be to her and how much does she really want to be in the wedding?? I mean I have friends whose sig other has upset me and I let it slide or i speak to them like an adult and its handeled - I would never just ignore them - especially for such a silly reason!  I never thought of calling from his phone - I feel like thats something i would have done in HS but that goes right along with her behaivor - Im also scared to do that because I am not good at keeping my mouth shut and I don't want to ruin the friendship for him - even though shes kinda doing that by acting this way with me.  I think for now I'll let him tell her wedding info and we will see if she grows up in the next few months - if not we will have to reconsider her. 
    BabyFruit Ticker
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    edited December 2011
    Unfortunately this happens a lot with Bridemaids. Do you think she is a little jealous of you and FI relationship and is stepping back?
    I would ask FI to step in the situation since he is the one who wanted her in the wedding in the first place. He probably can communicate with her easier since he's known her longer.

    For me, I'm a person who wants answers and if you can not have enough respect for me, then I will call you on it(maybe this is why I've let two of my bridesmaids go, but it was for the better!)
    I think Weddings are a tester for some friendships.
    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
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    RaquelSRaquelS member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Wow, I am mad for you just reading this. I'd have to agree with Mari. Although, I'm not sure if I could be so nice, because I would be super pissed. So I think if it really meant that much to my FI, I would do like Mari said and send her an email, I'm sure she is reading them, she just isn't responding. Let her know that you didn't realize you mentioning the BM's family would upset her, and that you are sorry about that, but you really want her to be a part of the wedding and need to know if she would still like to as well. If she doesn't respond, I'd call her.

    You know, hearing about her BMs family may very well have opened up those wounds again, and it may be a jealousy thing. She'll never have that with the BM and it may be really hitting her now that she is part of your wedding party.


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    edited December 2011
    I with what Christina said 100%...I just realized she always gives good neutral advice :D
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    edited December 2011
    In Response to Re: Bridesmaid drama - really really long! sorry :):
    [QUOTETell her you spoke to FI and he mentioned why she distanced herself from you. Apologize because you did not realize mentioning the BM's family would bring up so many memories.  You do consider her a friend and you do not want her to be hurt the way this separation has hurt you.  You now understand and will help her get over this by not bringing anything up in regards to BM.
    Posted by XxMari518xX[/QUOTE]
    I would go with this but also add in something about the wedding.  Perhaps a "I emailed you about the dresses and didn't hear back.  You are still planning to stand up in our wedding, right?"  Maybe you'll get lucky and she'll bow out?

    I would be pissy too, by the way!  You aren't alone.
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    edited December 2011
    I'm sorry she's a meany! I'd call her if I were you...it's easy to get mean (or "aggressive" as you say) over email (think about how mean girls can be on tk!). But I'd talk to FI first and work something out with him, like, "Okay, I'll call her 2x this week, and if I don't hear back from her by next week, then she's out." And if she doesn't pick up, then say in the v/m, "I still haven't heard back from you regarding the dresses that I emailed you about. Please call me and let me know if you're still interested in being in our wedding." That way if you don't hear from her then you'll know that SHE's made the choice.

    I know it's hard! GL!
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    edited December 2011
    Well nothing for nothing but the girl's BF passed away 8 months ago after dating for 8 years.  I have been with my guy for over 6 years and if something happened to him I really don't think I'd be in a great place at that point.  I'd say have your FI talk to her (if you aren't willing to) and see what is up.  Have him tell her you are worried she hasn't wrote you back and want to make sure she is ok.  It sounds to me that she is just not over losing her BF.  Have a heart to heart with her if you can and don't make it all about the wedding.  Just try to put yourself in her shoes, I think you might cut her a little more slack. 

    BUT, if she is just being an A-hole about it and your FI still wants her in the wedding just don't bother with her.  Let her show up to the wedding but don't waste your energy over it. I hope it all works out for the best, I'm sure it will!
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