Not crazy about heirloom ring...

Nova2791

I got engaged a few weeks ago to a wonderful man I've been with for a few years.  I'm elated that we'll be together forever:)

The only small wrinkle here is....I am not nuts about my engagement ring:(

I am extremely particular about jewelry- I like simple, contemporary designs.  Before we got engaged, when we discussed marriage, I always made sure to tell my fiance that I wanted to be part of the ring selection process and he agreed.  Unbeknownst to me, three years ago his grandmother offered him her ring to give to me, and he's planned to use that all along.

The ring is lovely- it's a three stone ring set in platinum- not ugly at all, but it's very outdated and the stones are very small.  I think today they would sell it as a promise ring. I was so excited and shocked by the proposal that I told him it was beautiful and he told his family that, but as days went on I realized I had to be honest- I feel funny wearing it because it's so outdated and very different from what I had wanted- a simple solitaire stone on a plain band.

I discussed the possiblity of changing or getting a new ring with him and he was very hurt.  He was sure I'd love the ring and I think he feels guilty.  I truly am honored that his family chose me to have it, and I'd hate to hurt them, but also can't imagine wearing a ring every single day that I don't love and doesn't feel "me".  He told me that I don't have to wear it after we get married, but I don't really feel it's fair to just not have a ring after I'm married.

He's now realized that I don't love the ring and wants to make me happy by figuring out if we can change it or get another one, but I still feel terrible as I decide what I want to do about it.  I don't really want to change it because it will still be a three-stone ring, which is the one kind of ring I didn't want at all- I've actually mentioned to him before that I did not like three stone rings at all.

I am a very easygoing person about 99% of things, and I think I got this ring because they thought I was very simple and wouldn't mind not having something new.  I hate to think that getting something new would change their opinion of me:(

Has anyone else been in this position, or know someone who has?  I'm really beating myself up about this one and would love some advice.

ohnoitskaroljo

I was in this same sort of position - long story short, before FI bought my ring, I found out the one he had been planning and it had baguettes on it and I HATE baguettes I think they're hideous. SO I gently told him that I'm really sorry but I'm very picky on my jewelry (I only wear things that have huge sentimental value or a kind of design that I love, so far everything I own has been both). I couldn't imagine having to wear a ring that I hated for the rest of my life - he tried, bless his heart - to incorporate everything I said I liked, which involved a heart and intricate designs and whatnot -but the ring itself was hideous, it looked gaudy which is SO not my style. 

SO I discussed it with him, told him that I love him but this is something I'm going to have to look at for the rest of my life and didn't want to feel awful every time I looked at it. SO I suggested some styles I liked through the same vendor, and we ended up deciding to have me choose 3 styles we both liked and he'd get the final choice of those to surprise me with. I LOVE LOVE LOVE my wedding set now - it's perfect  

If money is an issue I HIGHLY recommend Moissanite - (diamondssuck.com, moissanite.com and moissaniteco.com) that's what I have, and it's impossible for an average person to distinguish it from diamond. They're gorgeous and more sparkly than diamond too and much more budget friendly not to mention the fact that you'll never end up supporting the blood diamond trade I've had my Moissanite ring for a year and it still looks absolutely gorgeous for a diamond of my size and shape it would have been $30k+ but for my 1.8 ct. cushion cut PERFECT Moissanite wedding set, it was $1500

AdeleDazeem

Any chance we can see a picture of this ring...?

Nova2791

As you can see, it's lovely, just not me...

AdeleDazeem

Aw, I think it's gorgeous.  I'm also heavily biased because my ring is very similar, comes from my grandmother (her engagement ring in 1942!) and is full of sentimental value.  It was the only thing I ever wanted as my engagement ring and I think it's the most perfect ring ever.  But, it's not everyone's cup of tea.

Truly, you are in a tight spot because you've been wearing it.  Has his family seen you wearing it?  Is his grandmother still living?  I just would hate to hurt her feelings with a "I don't like it!" but, if it's not your style, then it's not your style.  You're the one who has to wear it!

How does the family feel about taking the ring apart?  My grandmother would just about die so that's my perspective.  If they aren't against it, however, what about having the center stone reset and the side diamonds placed in something else (like earrings) or passed on to other family members?

I know you said it's more of a "promise" ring nowadays, but it's not.  It's "small," I suppose, but rings comes in all sizes.  Don't disparage it.  It's lovely, but not your style.

Good luck!

dewingedpixie

I think you are ina  difficult position. It sounds like tradition is a big deal in his family. You need to talk to him about the ring and make a choice. There also may have been other reasons for going with an heirloom those reasons could include money.

The stones in that ring are not that small it concerns me that this was one of your gripes. The center looks to be a half carat that is not small many women have half carat stones. Very few women have stones over 1-1.5 carats. My FI wanted a large stone it was actually a very big contention point between us. I wanted a sapphire about the size of a .75-1 carat diamond. He wanted it a lot bigger think 2-3 times the 1 carat. He won in the end but I stopped him from going bigger than the 2 carat size and he was happy I did because the sapphire we have has the spread of a 2 carat and anything larger on my hands would have looked absolutely rediculous. One thing you may want to consider is the cut of those diamonds. Diamonds from the early 20th century were usually very well cut, many stones today are not as high quality or as well cut. A well cut clean stone is much more eye appealing and shinier than a large one with bad cut and clarity.

I personally love your ring. I'm a huge fan of art decco designs my house is full of art decco furniture. I also love family tradition. Maybe you can do a wedding set for your wedding or aniversary and transition this one to a right hand ring.

Nova2791

Thank youfor the compliments!

His grandmother is still living and has seen me in the ring.  I initially told him that the ring was great because I didn't want to ruin the proposal (which was great!) His family has made me feel like I am the right kind of girl to have an heirloom because I am so simple and easy-going, which I am, 99% of the time, I guess just not about this.... 

The center stone in the ring is one-fifth of a carat- the setting oomphs it up a bit.  I never wanted a huge ring, if I had the choice I probably would have picked a 3/4 carat ring. 

His grandmother has told us that we can change the ring, she told us to do whatever we wanted with it.  My fiance said I could get a larger stone and when I pointed out that that could cost a few thousand dollars he didn't seem to mind.  However, I'm reluctant to spend a few thousand dollars to get something I think is just okay, when for just a little more I can get the perfect ring.  I also wanted a very plain wedding band and if I stop wearing the current ring, all I'll have is the plain band, which doesn't seem very fun! 

I think I need to get us into a jewelry store so we can talk to a jeweler about our options, and perhaps if the ring can't be changed to my liking a wedding set is the way to go.

Hopefully I'll figure out what to do. I've never been this crazy about a material object before- I drive a thirteen year old car, I buy used clothes on occasion and clip coupons like mad- I guess it just means more when I have to wear it every day for the rest of my life!

AdeleDazeem

The center stone is only 1/5 of a carat?  Wow - I definitely would've thought it was larger from the pictures.  Mine is fair bit bigger than that, but I do agree that the setting helps the whole look.

I'd definitely go to a jeweler and see what they have to say.  They might able to reset thing or just make suggestions.  You might be able to incorporate the diamonds into a wedding band.  I know you said you wanted plain (I wanted plain, too!) but I wouldn't turn down free diamonds, either.  Ha.

GoodLuckBear14

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_not-crazy-about-heirloom-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:239d9699-dc38-4404-a78f-9691aba23228Post:899e76d3-5d9a-4410-853e-a3c07b5aaa59">Re: Not crazy about heirloom ring...</a>:
[QUOTE]Thank youfor the compliments! His grandmother is still living and has seen me in the ring.  I initially told him that the ring was great because I didn't want to ruin the proposal (which was great!) His family has made me feel like I am the right kind of girl to have an heirloom because I am so simple and easy-going, which I am, 99% of the time, I guess just not about this....  The center stone in the ring is one-fifth of a carat- the setting oomphs it up a bit.  I never wanted a huge ring, if I had the choice I probably would have picked a 3/4 carat ring.  <strong>His grandmother has told us that we can change the ring, she told us to do whatever we wanted with it.</strong>  My fiance said I could get a larger stone and when I pointed out that that could cost a few thousand dollars he didn't seem to mind.  However, I'm reluctant to spend a few thousand dollars to get something I think is just okay, when for just a little more I can get the perfect ring.  I also wanted a very plain wedding band and if I stop wearing the current ring, all I'll have is the plain band, which doesn't seem very fun!  I think I need to get us into a jewelry store so we can talk to a jeweler about our options, and perhaps if the ring can't be changed to my liking a wedding set is the way to go. Hopefully I'll figure out what to do. I've never been this crazy about a material object before- I drive a thirteen year old car, I buy used clothes on occasion and clip coupons like mad- I guess it just means more when I have to wear it every day for the rest of my life!
Posted by Nova2791[/QUOTE]

I'd make some changes to it then.  A good jeweler could take the stones and make it into a new design.

Don't feel guilty about feeling this way.  I was lucky that my DH gave a jeweler a budget and told me to design my own ring.  His reasoning was that I was going to wear it for the rest of my life so he wanted to make sure it was something I loved.

The women who aren't happy with their rings always have my sympathy.  One of my best friends got a ring that she wasn't thrilled with.  After she got married, she slowly replaced the stones in her ring with higher quality and larger carat stones.  Her husband never even noticed this (and because they still maintain separate accounts along with joint accounts, he never knew that she'd been spending her money on this).

cnf2013

You're in a tough spot. I feel your pain. My FI proposed with his late grandmothers ring and it's not something I would have picked. Well, the center part, the white gold ring with five stones I love, but it was already soldered to a yellow custom jacket that I'm not crazy about. I mentioned wanting to remove the jacket and have it made into something else, preferably our rings, but it hurt FI's feelings. Honestly, his love of the ring, the sentimental value attached to it, and the fact that it meant so much to him and his family for me to have it is worth more to me than having something modern, new, or shiney. And honestly, I do love my ring. My main point of contention with it is the size and shape of it make it impossible to put another ring next to it, so I'll have to move it to my right hand to be able to wear a wedding ring. My compromise? I'm having a dream ring custom made for my wedding ring. That may be a compromise you could look into. 

Since you've already been given the go ahead to repurpose the ring and the stones into something more your taste, I'd do that. You could have that one melted down and remade. Then it would still be like having his family ring but would be something you actually liked.

dewingedpixie

You could also use that ring as the wedding band and put a solitaire with it.

achiduck

I would talk to a jeweller about using the stones for a wedding band. 

I think it's natural for him to be a bit hurt, but I'm sure he'll get over it and if you can still incorporate the original stones that still keeps it as a family ring. 

hollyweenOR

That's a hard spot to be in. I'm very fussy about what jewelry I wear, and having received jewerly gifts in the past that weren't my style (despite fully recognizing the sentiment behind them), I've told my fiance (gently) that I want to be in on decisions about important jewelry pieces, even if it just means picking out 3 or 4 things to help guide him in my taste. When he was getting ready to propose, he told me he'd gotten his late grandmother's ring from his family, and did I feel okay with that? I cried with joy, just out of emotion at how much that gesture meant (his family is very large, so to receive anything that belonged to this woman, who was very loved by them all, is a big big big deal). But then the next day, when the emotion cleared a little, I asked, hesitantly, if the ring turned out to be not my style (I didn't know anything about the ring, only that it wasn't her engagement ring and that it had been a gift from his grandfather- I had visions of mid-80s-style yellow gold and odd swooping designs). He got clearance from the family to do whatever we wanted with it. Fortunately, it was honestly perfect, not a word I use lightly. Platinum, early 1940s, great art deco style, and very low-set (I'm an RN, didn't want something that was going to tear my gloves at work all the time). It looks so "at home" on my hand. Crisis averted. But it soooo could've gone the other way, so I feel your distress.

Talk to a jeweler. Better yet, talk to two or three, there's an artist out there who can make you what you want starting with what you've got.

greypixymouse

I would consider purchasing a ring together that you absolutely love, the single solitaire band you mentioned, and using this as the wedding band? 

mattycam

I understand how you feel as well. My engagement ring was DH's mother's ring who passed on 12 years ago. His father gave it to him to give to me. It is not the ring I expected in terms of look, size etc. but it meant a lot to him to give it to me and it meant a lot to me that he would do such a thing so I grew to accept it. I got the wedding band that I like so it's okay now.

nextrightthing

I understand what you're going through.  My FI also proposed with an heirloom ring that I didn't love.  The good thing was he had already discussed it with me and told me he was probably going to propose with the heirloom ring, and that we could have it reset or replaced later.  So, I told him that I LOVED the ring, but that the setting was so old (we are the fourth generation and the third with the setting it was in) that I thought we should talk to a jeweler about having it reset. 

So we went to a jeweler and had a new setting designed.  One of my problems with the old ring was that the center stone is modest and I wanted more bling.  So, while we didn't replace the center stone, we added a halo, which makes it look larger, and added side stones. 

I know you said you really want a solitaire, but would you consider a halo?  Because if you did that, you could keep the center stone and make it look a little more bling-y.  Maybe this would be a compromise?  Then perhaps use the side stones in your wedding band. 

brittanycurtisjohnson

My promise ring was tinnnnyyyy. That one looks bigger than my e-ring solitare.

Would you consider wearing it on the other hand if you get a wedding set? Like, it's still the engament ring, but you would wear a set like with the band on the actual finger.

I also like the idea a pp had about using the middle stone as the e-ring and turning the side ones into earrings.
 
We were together 3-4 years before we got engaged, and we had my mother and fathers rings offered to us, and his mother and fathers rings offered to us. We declined both of them, not only cause they were hideous, but because it would be awkward with divorced peoples rings. His grandmother was recently killed along with his father, and when his grandmothers sister came down for the funerals she pulled me aside and said she wanted me to get the rings (grandpa passed on a few years before). HOWEVER, not my descision as her surviving son recieved the rings and my FI refuses to ask for them even though his great aunt wanted us to have them. I don't blame him though, it was very very tragic for him and I would hate to ask him for them.
But those are the ONLY rings I would have wore if they had been offered to me by the now rightful owner. I have not seen them, but regardless of what they looked like, knowing how he looked up to his grandpa and how sweet his grandmother was to me, I would have worn them proudly.

I would really really consider thier feelings here when getting a new ring. The sentimental value behind it is going to matter alot more in the long run over if the ring is "you" or not. She did give you the go ahead to change it, so I would to make it more "you" before I replaced it and hurt feelings.

Nova2791

Thanks for all the advice! I think at this point I'm going to visit a jeweler soon and see what suggestions they have.  I haven't really found any ideas I like online, so hopefully they can come up with something else. I'm still asking friends and family for opinions too.  nextrightthing- I like your idea about the halo, I may look into that.

If I end up getting something totally different, I think I'll wear the current ring on my right hand fairly often, and will probably always wear it in front of certain members of his family, and will wear it at the wedding.  I may even wait until the wedding so I can just tell people I got a new set for when I was married.

I'm also going to consider the idea of getting a fancier wedding band and moving the current ring to my right hand. 

DMoore421

I am confused... you basically wanted a blingy-er ring than you ended up with even though it looks quite blingy -
if you are considering wearing it as a right hand ring in the future or on a regular basis you must not think it is totally not you as you put it in pp. 

Phoenix0

I have a very touchy family and it is difficult for them to take any kind of comment/ criticism.... my advice to you... always highlight the poisitve:

1-  tell him you think about the tens of years the ring will be in his family and how you would also love to give it to your son

2- tell him you can be honest enough to tell him the design is not something you would have chosen yourself

3-  that you want to see HIS ring on your finger every minute of your life together and that means it has to be something you like to wear also

4- suggest to a friend that you have seen a beautiful ring that is very reasonable to point it out to him on the next occasion (birthday anniversary...) so he'll get it and feel like a hero for making you happy!

mbrischoux

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_not-crazy-about-heirloom-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:239d9699-dc38-4404-a78f-9691aba23228Post:02d5818d-17ae-4fd4-9b39-c87bca471e9c">Re: Not crazy about heirloom ring...</a>:
[QUOTE]I have a very touchy family and it is difficult for them to take any kind of comment/ criticism.... my advice to you... always highlight the poisitve: 1-  tell him you think about the tens of years the ring will be in his family and how you would also love to give it to your son <strong>2- tell him you can be honest enough to tell him the design is not something you would have chosen yourself</strong> <strong>3-  that you want to see HIS ring on your finger every minute of your life together and that means it has to be something you like to wear also</strong> 4- suggest to a friend that you have seen a beautiful ring that is very reasonable to point it out to him on the next occasion (birthday anniversary...) so he'll get it and feel like a hero for making you happy!
Posted by Phoenix0[/QUOTE]

The bolded part is exactly why my husband didn't want to use his grandmother's ring, even though she offered it to give to me (after we were dating for about a week - I know, nuts).  He wanted to know that HE chose it and HE gets to be the hero.  Plus, he knew it wasn't my style, and he wanted me to wear something that would make me happy for the rest of my life (He also thought my family would think he was cheap for not buying me a ring and using a hand-me-down instead, which is absolutely not true).  My husband really wanted to give me HIS own ring - he saw it as a rite of passage.

Honestly, I know all of this will sound kind of cold, but I would definitely have the stones re-set into a band and get a solitaire engagement ring.  He knew what you wanted, so it should come as no surprise that you are not as thrilled as he hoped you would be.  To keep the setting in tact, perhaps you can set your Fiance's birthstone in the places where the diamonds were and wear it as a "right hand ring?"  I don't know, just a thought.

BubbsNBubbs

What if you said that rather than a "redesign or ruin" of grandma's ring.....that you use the ring as is as an engagement ring....and buy a different wedding ring.  Thus allowing G-ma's ring to remain unchanged and keep the sentimental value.  You would wear it as a "right-hand" ring on special occasions and say that you thought about it and are not comfortable changing anything about the ring because it's an heirloom but it's not something you are comfortable wearing every day. 

smccrac

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_not-crazy-about-heirloom-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:239d9699-dc38-4404-a78f-9691aba23228Post:7a7a03c5-f382-4313-bcd3-7b4b9b308619">Re: Not crazy about heirloom ring...</a>:
[QUOTE]What if you said that rather than a "redesign or ruin" of grandma's ring.....that you use the ring as is as an engagement ring....and buy a different wedding ring.  Thus allowing G-ma's ring to remain unchanged and keep the sentimental value.  You would wear it as a "right-hand" ring on special occasions and say that you thought about it and are not comfortable changing anything about the ring because it's an heirloom but it's not something you are comfortable wearing every day. 
Posted by BubbsNBubbs[/QUOTE]

I agree with this post.  Its senimental value I would keep it as is.  Since you mentioned it as a promise ring maybe you could hold it and pass it down to your children.  It really is a pretty vintage looking ring.  Besides its your something old to wear.  Get a new ring and keep that one too.