Ring Disappointment

algauthor

After dating for three years, we are finally engaged!  But...

My new fiance knew what kind of a ring I wanted (small diamond solitaire) because we had discussed it, and instead he got me a ruby w/ a diamond on each side.  The night that he proposed, he said, "I'm sorry if it doesn't fit your vision of what you've always wanted, but I had a vision too."

How big of a deal should I make of this?

ukjenn231

How much does it matter to you?  It would be hurtful especially if he said that, but aren't you just giddy to be engaged?  Is it worth fighting over??  I think its up to you and how you feel.

jnish

I'm sorry that the ring wasn't what you wanted. How big of a deal depends on how you feel about it. Are you upset? Are you kinda irritated? Personally I would be upset because I am the one wearing the ring and it doesn't sound like you asked for any extravegant and he just couldn't afford it, I would understand if that were the case. If you like it and its not a big deal then I probably wouldn't say anything. If you are upset and don't like it I would talk to him. Let him know that you love that he picked it out but you though that you two had agreed on something else and that is what you were expecting.

Meghangh

In my opinion, you should just be happy that he picked out something for you and put a lot of thought into the ring.  Yea, maybe he didn't get what you wanted, but you should just be happy that he wants to marry you.  It's just a ring, something so not worth fighting over in the grand scheme of things.  But, it's really up to you. 

JessAndTrav

I think you should take this as a lesson to be learned.

You'll never get exactly what you want, so be happy with what you get.

Your FI had a vision of what he wanted to get you, and you had a vision, which makes sense. However, he's the one who paid for it, he's the one who picked it out, and he's the one who proposed. I think that you need to change your attitude and be grateful. Maybe he thought that you wanted a smaller solitare so that it wouldn't be expensive or something.

Men put more thought into the ring and proposals than they get credit for. You will have a whole sea of things to worry about in the coming months, learn to let litle things go.

You will come to love the ring. Because you love your FI.

Congrats.

swim1011

If your FI hadn't included the part about him having his own vision, I would probably let it go. But.  To me, what he said indicates a very selfish point of view- he is not the one who will be wearing that ring for a long time.  It would be like having him pick a wedding band he loved, and then you getting him one that wasn't his style at all.

If you really don't like it, I would talk to him about it.  Since you previously discussed, in detail, the kind of ring you wanted, he knew better.  It was pretty inconsiderate that he did this.  On the other hand, if you think the ring will grow on you, it may not be worth the fight it could potentially cause. 

pag41989

To me it sounds like your FI is kind of selfish. However, it really depends on how you truly feel about it. I am kind of jealous because I love rubies. When me and FI first got engaged I wanted exactly what you wanted, a solitaire engagement ring. At first I was a little upset because I did not get exactly what I wanted ( I got a ring with a square diamond in the middle and channel set diamonds on the outside). I hate square diamonds and it was no where near what I would have picked out in the jewelry store, however I never mentioned anything to FI and now we have been engaged for almost two years and I love my ring because I love the man who gave it to me and thats all that really matters, not the size or the look of a diamond.

danieliza1127

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_ring-disappointment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:254486fb-fead-4c95-aea6-3f0a3ed5cd89Post:adcb7c36-5207-42f0-a56e-b0d5ba64b203">Re: Ring Disappointment</a>:
[QUOTE]If your FI hadn't included the part about him having his own vision, I would probably let it go. But.  To me, what he said indicates a very selfish point of view- he is not the one who will be wearing that ring for a long time.  It would be like having him pick a wedding band he loved, and then you getting him one that wasn't his style at all. If you really don't like it, I would talk to him about it.  Since you previously discussed, in detail, the kind of ring you wanted, he knew better.  It was pretty inconsiderate that he did this.  On the other hand, if you think the ring will grow on you, it may not be worth the fight it could potentially cause. 
Posted by swim1011[/QUOTE]

I agree with this.  It does seem kind of selfish of him to go completely against what you had made clear you wanted just so he could pick out what was HIS vision for a ring that he doesn't have to wear, you do.  There's just something not right about that. 

salt78

I 100% agree with swim.
I don't care about jewelry and would have been happy with whatever, but the way he said it does sound pretty selfish.

MNVegas

Did he explain to you how he came up with his "vision" of the ring? Does the ruby have some special meaning to him or was the ruby a family gem he had set in the ring? He must of had some reason for picking what he did?

Maybe let this go and make sure you get your choice when it comes to wedding bands. Remember marriage is a lot of compromise so this might be a good place to start.

Anon I. Mouse

I agree with PP's. I can understand him wanting to choose a ring that reflected him, and you, and so on however his response seemed a bit...odd and selfish. I don't know the whole story, but he is not the one wearing the ring everyday.

Has he shared why he felt a ruby suited you? Is it a family heirloom or something, or is he just pressing what his vision is onto you - if the latter, I would be rather concerned about the patterns that are emerging (or may already have been there) in this relationship - it sounds like he can be domineering and selfish.

Rubies are beautiful however if you don't like them and have expressed that, it is an odd choice and I would hope that he would at least consider what you would WANT to wear for the rest of your life.

So, I guess I share that to say that while partners may at times envision something different for the other, its not healthy if they try and impose that vision on each other and respect must be there for one another's individuality even if it is different than their own. If one cannot respect the other's differences, and imposes their own ideals on them, there is going to be a lot of conflict down the road.

FYI, you can always change the stone out down the road, as a five-year anniversary gift or something to a diamond, or change the ring entirely as well.

ca_surfergirl

Not cool.

 

It appears to me that he might have chosen this ring just because he found it at a good price and for no other reason.  That line he gave you, IMO sounds a little rehearsed.

 

First, I would find out where he got it and if it is possible to return/exchange.  If it is not, it makes it more difficult to pursue because you would have to possibility resell the ring.  If you can return/exchange (or maybe even as a last resort resell), then I would talk to him about how you are going to have to wear it everyday for the rest of your life.  Tell him you would like to have a solitaire, even if it means you have a fake centre stone (for now, that can always be an wedding present or anniversary present to upgrade). There are tons of bands on Amazon.com for cheap.

 

It is the start of your relationship, now is not a good time to keep things back from him.

algauthor

There were a number of reasons he gave for choosing a ruby...including that he thinks women are "brainwashed" by DeBeers to "need" diamonds at their engagement.  He also said that rubies are more traditional for the 19th century (we are both historians).  I guess I just feel that if he wasn't going to buy a diamond, knowing I wanted one, he could have discussed that with me beforehand.  The ring he got is also almost identical to one my grandma bought for me for my college graduation, and he actually used that ring to get my correct size.  I do like the ring, and love that it's from him...but I'm still not sold. 

RachNRich

I think you should get him a neon pink wedding band. With lots of glittery-bling. And then tell him he has to wear it everyday even though it's not what he describe as his ideal ring, ya know, because you had a vision!!

Fair is fair.

I <3 Seabass

When I get a gift for someone I try to pick out something I know they will like. Sure I'm paying for it but what's the point of giving somebody something you know they wont like or didn't want?

How big of a deal is this? That's really up to you. To me he sounds really selfish but you know him best, maybe he had good intentions and it's just coming out wrong in this post.

[Deleted User]

My fiance also gave me the speech about women being "brainwashed" and how diamonds are a "racket" and overpriced blah blah.  (My da and his dad agree with that, too...I believe it's a cop-out from guys, personally.)  I told him "oh well...that's what I want."  He was willing to spend the money on a diamond because he knew it's what I really wanted, and like swim said...I'm wearing it...not him.  It's tricky though because...what do you do now?  Exchange it?  Trade up?  (Some places will alow you to trade it if you spend a little more.)  I would say this is a good time to practice compromise - a very important thing in life and esp. in marriage.  Good luck!

anna.oskar

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_ring-disappointment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:254486fb-fead-4c95-aea6-3f0a3ed5cd89Post:a458ce3a-986d-413a-b53f-03146ce32012">Re: Ring Disappointment</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you should get him a neon pink wedding band. With lots of glittery-bling. And then tell him he has to wear it everyday even though it's not what he describe as his ideal ring, ya know, because you had a vision!! Fair is fair.
Posted by RachNRich[/QUOTE]

I agree 100%

squirrly

I'd be irritated that he asked for my input and then cast all of that aside.  If he's got his own plan, why ask?  But - when you said "we discussed it" - who initiated that conversation?  You or him?  If you did, then I'm really not that bothered by it.  If he did, then he's kinda being a jerk, and I don't buy his explanation either.

I'd have another conversation with him.  If it's really not something you're happy wearing for the rest of your life, he needs to know it.  If he actually expects you to wear something you don't like - that would be a major issue for me.  If he expects you to grow to love it, because it's from him. . . I don't really know how I feel about that.  Ultimately, it's your finger.  WIth such a major departure from what you wanted, I'm leaning toward thinking he's very much in the wrong.

Anon I. Mouse

I do agree that the idea that "diamonds are forever" and that they are supposed to go hand-in-hand with engagements and weddings is part of some very good marketing. To the point that it seems the ring becomes the centrepiece of everything!

Partly for those reasons, and partly for others, I personally would not have wanted a diamond if I had chosen to get an e-ring (sapphire would be more my liking!). And, even if FI would of preferred a diamond for me, if he had taken time to ask me what I would like, he certainly would of respected my own tastes over his own "vision".

It sounds like he is justifying his purchase and his choice not to consider your personal tastes. I get it if he could not afford the diamond, and was honest about it with you, but the whole "I had my own vision" and "women are brainwashed into diamonds" thing just rubs me the wrong way. What about YOUR vision and YOUR tastes?

TurtlesAllTheWayDown

Of course diamonds are overpriced. I'm not a fan of the big jewelery companies or diamond producers either, which is why I got an estate ring. Diamonds, however, do match everything, since they're white, and they are extremely durable. My mom's second engagement ring was an emerald and she ended up chipping it. It's possible to chip a diamond of course, just not as likely.

I agree with Dani. The fact that he asked, as though he really wanted to take your feelings into consideration, and then totally disregarded them seems selfish and callous to me. This is probably the most important piece of jewelry - actually, attire, period - you will ever have. YOU have to look at it all the time.

I'd talk about your feelings with him, and how you are hurt that he dismissed your desires. I might also compromise - instead of a wedding band, see if you can get a diamond solitaire for the wedding, then wear the ruby on your right hand.

pag41989

I like RachNRich's idea.

LoLoWedsM

Maybe you can talk to him about getting a new ring for the wedding or your first anniversary. If you really want a diamond ring then he should respect you enough to get you what you want. At my own wedding the only piece of advice I got from almost every married person was -put your husband first and him to put you first and you will be fine. I think he needs to put you first and not his beliefs on being brainwashed by jewelry companies. I will say that I got the exact ring I asked for down to color/clarity points and I still didn't love it at first but now I do. Maybe you just need time to let it grow on you.

vleigh23

I think he needs to get you a new ring ASAP. That is awful that he would do that. Who cares about brainwashing and the 19th century. Get the dimond if you want it. Its yours and you have to wear it.  

FutureMrs.McC

I'm always a little torn on this subject.  On one hand, I think women should be happy with the ring they've been given.  But on the other, I think it should be something you love, not only because your FI gave it to you but also because it "fits" you.  I think if I were a man, I would want my FI to tell me this ring isn't me and I would like to exchange it for something that is. 

Your situation completely rubs me the wrong way.  Why in the world would you want your engagement ring to look like something your grandmother gave you for graduation? 

soze82

I know that I wouldn't be very happy. We discussed and shopped around for what I want. I would probably talk to him about it.

monsoon737

I think what annoys me the most is that you already have a ring like the one he got you, which he's seen!  Even if you loved rubies, why would you want two rings that look almost exactly alike?  I would definitely talk to him about this.  In fact, this would be a red flag to me that there may be something rotten in the state of Denmark.

mromag1

can you post a picture of your ering and the one you wanted

desertsun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_ring-disappointment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:254486fb-fead-4c95-aea6-3f0a3ed5cd89Post:7816cca3-ccc1-46c8-8f16-4fe24cac6713">Re: Ring Disappointment</a>:
[QUOTE]This is probably the most important piece of jewelry - actually, attire, period - you will ever have. YOU have to look at it all the time. Posted by msmerymac[/QUOTE]

Exactly.

I think saying "I had a vision too" is dickish. It expresses disrespect for <em>your</em> vision. His was more important in his decision making process than yours. He didn't even bother to discuss it with you before making a decision.

Which would make me hurt every time I looked at the ring if I were you, honestly. It's important to me that my partner act with respect for my opinions. Even if he disagrees.

So, if that's how you feel, tell him!

Yes, it will be hard.

Being honest when you know it might hurt someone is hard.

But sometimes, it ends up saving a long period of resentment and anger.

And I have to believe that if your partner truly cares about your happiness, and this is truly important to your happiness, he will get over his hurt pride/feelings and be glad you told him so he could try to make it better.

krisdoug13

I agree with out posts that it's pretty selfish of your FI to have bought you the ring based on his vision when you were apparentally pretty clear in what you wanted!!  And the whole women are brainwashed into wanting a diamond...well to me the diamond is symoblic.  Diamonds themselves last forever, they can only be broken down by extremely high heat at which point they turn to dust.  So to me receiving a diamond for an engagment ring symbolizes being together forever.  If I were you I would have a serious discussion with him if it is bothering you like it appears to be.  If it is bothering you I wouldn't internalize it because something that could easily be resolved with asimple discussion will just snow ball into something bigger and bigger.  This is supposed to be a fun, happy experience, although stressful at times.

PandaBurr

I agree on both halves. I think you're right to be upset that he didn't take your feelings into consideration. However, I do agree with him on the diamond brainwashing thing. Several posts in this thread alone have proven the brainwashing. For example:
[QUOTE]And the whole women are brainwashed into wanting a diamond...well to me the diamond is symoblic.  Diamonds themselves last forever[/QUOTE]
Chemically speaking, diamonds are not forever. They're unstable and will eventually stablize itself by decomposing into other elements and particles. Where did the idea of "Diamonds are forever" come from? I mean, you practically quoted their slogan word for word, and you don't think it has anything to do with clever marketing?

I'm not bashing diamonds. I own diamonds as well. I'm not gonna lie- I think they're pretty and sparkly. But at the same time, I'm perfectly fine with my moissanite engagement ring because it fulfills the same purpose. It's pretty and sparkly.

So, my opinion is that you can be upset because he didn't take your feelings into consideration, but don't ignore his feelings on the subject. Try and find a compromise. (Although, I have to question his motives, because your ring has diamonds on it...)

redheadfsu

 I feel like something else is going on here.

Yes it is brainwashing. Most of the wedding industry is brainwashing. Diamonds, white wedding dress, etc. No one needs to have a wedding, we could all be married at city hall. (rant over)

Marriage is about compromise. He should have told you all this before he proposed & bought the ring. When you told him you  wanted the diamond, he should have told you how he felt. The you two could have figured a compromise, like rubies & diamonds or something. (Edit: I just re-read & realized your ring has diamonds on it, but I think you can still see my point.)

 I feel like something else is going on here. Either he had no idea how expense a nice diamond was or something else. I have no idea, but I think his dickish statements are trying to mast something. Talk to him & ask why he got you a replica of a ring you already have. ( in a very not emotional & not confrontational way)