Ring Disappointment

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_ring-disappointment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:254486fb-fead-4c95-aea6-3f0a3ed5cd89Post:a458ce3a-986d-413a-b53f-03146ce32012">Re: Ring Disappointment</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you should get him a neon pink wedding band. With lots of glittery-bling. And then tell him he has to wear it everyday even though it's not what he describe as his ideal ring, ya know, because you had a vision!! Fair is fair.
Posted by RachNRich[/QUOTE]

Indeed. haha

I think it's kind of sweet that he would put thought into it and add a touch of something different since both of you are historians, but at the same time as everyone else pointed out, it sounded kind of selfish to say he had a vision too. Of course, there's always the possibility that he didn't mean it in a selfish manner, but in the sense that he wanted to incorporate what you wanted with what he wanted as well and BAM! your ruby/diamond ring was birthed. If you're not completely sold, perhaps you can talk to him about picking your wedding band as well as picking his-or just exchanging it altogether [if possible]. All in all, there is the sentimental part that it was what he saw, what he saved for and what he proposed with. Sure, there are the FIs who know exactly what kind of ring to pick out, but there's others who are either just too excited to wait, those who guess, and those who just pick out what they like.  The sentiment behind it is was counts most, ultimately.

algauthor

Well, thanks for all the advice.  I too feel like I should just be happy with the ring he got for me, but I think that I am more disappointed with his attitude.  I have now spoken to him about it (bravely and humbly) and he is not budging. 

lookame3639

When I was younger(19) my boyfriend of 8 years proposed and it was NOTHING like I had always invisioned my ring. He went to one store called to ask if I'd say yes then proposed when the ring came back from being sized. He put work into the proposal but I made a big fit about my ring. It turned into hurting his feelings and our marraige began in resentment, two years later we were divorced. Before you turn it into a huge fight ask him why he chose a ruby. There may be some significance to it or he's thinking after a few years he could trade out that ruby for a larger diamond. Or perhaps he had already purchased the ring before you talked about it or it was a family heirloom. Don't think he's selfish unless he says "I wanted you to have this ring because I liked it better than diamond solitars."

smcdonald03

I'd be dissapointed. It sounds like he wanted to get you what he wanted and didn't consider what you wanted. You are wearing it not him. I'd say something. It would be one thing if you just wanted a bigger diamond. You wanted a small diamond and he got you a ruby. WTF?

cvl105

I would be upset.  I wouldn't want a ruby for an engagement ring.

I may sound snotty or whatever, but to me a ruby is a birthstone ring, not an engagement ring, unless that it was you really wanted.

SarahSmile23

I'd be really hurt that he knew exactly what kind of ring I wanted to wear every day for the rest of my life and intentionally got something completely different because of "his" vision.

desertsun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_ring-disappointment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:254486fb-fead-4c95-aea6-3f0a3ed5cd89Post:9d8b07c5-eb42-4b17-9a1f-a6c91821b876">Re: Ring Disappointment</a>:
[QUOTE]Well, thanks for all the advice. <strong> I too feel like I should just be happy with the ring he got for me</strong>, but I think that I am more disappointed with his attitude.  I have now spoken to him about it (bravely and humbly) and he is not budging. 
Posted by algauthor[/QUOTE]

I really don't think you <strong>should</strong> anything. Deal with the reality of your situation.

He didn't consult you about his vision and how it differed from yours. His lack of consideration is the real issue, not the ring itself.

This is something you absolutely need to resolve before you marry.

lovelyallure

I think him putting his *vision* before yours is dickish and he sounds kinda selfish, imo..

PonyMaid

I am sure this has been said but...I think he is using these reasons for excuses.  A ring like that would have definitely been cheaper than a diamond solitaire.  His reasons are HIS own for not getting YOU the ring you wanted!  I think it is very selfish of him to do this, especially since he knew EXACTLY what you wanted!!!  It is suppose to be YOUR ring, not his!  I would definitely talk to him about this.

monsoon737

I'm glad you talked to him, but why isn't he budging?  What did he say when you brought up the fact you already have a similar ring?  Did he further explain his reasons?  Did you tell him that you felt like he was disrespecting you by not considering what you wanted to wear for the rest of your life?

irshis20

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_ring-disappointment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:254486fb-fead-4c95-aea6-3f0a3ed5cd89Post:a2532b20-9a74-4823-b0fc-d143bef0c9e5">Re: Ring Disappointment</a>:
[QUOTE]I'd be really hurt that he knew exactly what kind of ring I wanted to wear every day for the rest of my life and intentionally got something completely different because of "his" vision.
Posted by SarahSmile23[/QUOTE]

This.

That ruby represents a big ol' red flag to me for several reasons:

1. He knew what you had in mind and prefered, and he chose to completely ignore it and buy something not at all similar. My fiance and I had a conversation about rings long before we went to look at some together. He asked me about colored stones, because he liked the idea of getting me something unique. But I frankly told him that I did not want colored stones in my engagement ring and that I considered that to be something for a different type of ring. And although he likes rubies/emeralds/sapphires, he got me the diamond ring I told him I wanted. I believe that a thoughtful and sincere fiance wants his bride to love her ring, and so I really don't understand why he would get something in the opposite style of what you've discussed.

2. Why would he get you a ring similar to what your grandmother gave you for your high school graduation? Not only is it an insult to your grandmother's gift (seems like he wants to replace her), that ring represented a time when you were entering your last/current phase of life whereas an engagement ring should symbolize the beginning of a new time in your life - one as a grown-up, not a young lady. As someone else here said, diamonds are a mature stone to me whereas rubies are a little immature.

3. His statements to you are selfish and rude, and not representative of a fiance who is thinking at all about his fiancee. You will be wearing the ring and you will be the one that will be sharing the story of the proposal and how you decided on the ring. I certainly have had a lot of people ask me about my ring and I would not want to have to lie every time someone asked me about how/why we/he/I chose my ring. I expect that most fiances would feel terrible or embarrassed if their fiancee let them know she didn't love the ring, and yet your fiance is defiant and apparently blowing it off. He has made this engagement all about his stance on a social issue and placed that at higher importance than your feelings.

4. You should let him know that rubies are the new blood diamonds. Associates at Tiffany and Cartier told us that during the ring shopping process. Rubies come from Burma (Myanmar), a country with a ton of human rights issues - it's waaaaay worse than China. Read here for more info on Burma: <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burma" rel="nofollow">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Burma</a>. The US has banned imports from the country but rubies continue to be imported via other channels (laundering). Still, the most reputable jewelers in the US refuse to import rubies because of the conditions under which they're mined. So he can continue to take his stance on the marketing of diamonds and DeBeers, but he shouldn't be proud of offering you a ruby, either.

If you ask me, the two of you should be proud of the ring and what it stands for, and I don't think that's what's happening here. This was a passive-aggressive purchase, which an engagement ring should not be. I would talk to him about these issues and how it makes you feel, and if he still isn't concerned then, I would seriously reconsider being in a relationship with him, let alone a marriage.

Sheri Ruth

To me this situation calls for quiet revolt to be honest. Just don't wear it. He will wonder why and ask and you can tell him. It doesn't suit you. Say nothing further and let him stew on that for a while - and don't put the ring back on. Chances are though he's going to turn this into YOU being selfish. You aren't, but it'll be easy to make it look that way. IT wouldn't seem a ring should have this much ominous fortune-telling power, but sincerely this seems like a big red flag to me. That the ring itself is red is just a coincidence.

emarston1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_ring-disappointment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:254486fb-fead-4c95-aea6-3f0a3ed5cd89Post:a458ce3a-986d-413a-b53f-03146ce32012">Re: Ring Disappointment</a>:
[QUOTE]I think you should get him a neon pink wedding band. With lots of glittery-bling. And then tell him he has to wear it everyday even though it's not what he describe as his ideal ring, ya know, because you had a vision!! Fair is fair.
Posted by RachNRich[/QUOTE]

LOL!  loves it!

I would hope that if you are going to marry someone you know them well enough to know what they will like and what they don't.  It concerns me that he asked for your opinion then completely disregarded it when it didn't match his own vision.  The whole point of a ring discussion is to ensure that the girl will get a ring she is comfortable wearing every day for the rest of your life (hopefully!)

I would approach the subject with him and just find out his thinking behind the ring.  There may be some legitimate backstory that you don't know about.  If he comes out with more lames excuses (ala "i have a vision too"), I would really start to worry.  This MAY be (and I stress MAY) be indicative of how he may be as a husband.  Do you want to marry a man who doesn't take your opinions into consideration on something that very direclty affects you?

Ultimately, only you can make the decision to talk to him about it or not.  Good luck!

olivia144

Red flags all over.

This isn't about the ring. At all.

It's about his total disregard for your opinion. It's about the implication that "his vision" is more important and better than yours. It's about "not budging" on something that is supposed to be about both of you.

And why do you need to be "brave" and "humble" when you talk to him? Are you subconsciouly perhaps a bit scared of him/his opinion?

I'd think hard about patterns like this in his behaviour.

tb583

I would be upset given that he disregarded what you wanted.  If it was about the money that's a different story but he should not say that he got you the ring because it is what he wanted.

I went to look at rings with some friends and found my DREAM RING.  I took FI to the jeweler and showed it to him and we also looked at other rings as well.  He liked a different one that I though was okay- just not crazy about.  My fingers are tiny- the ring I picked out has a very thin, dainty band and looked like it was made for me.  The styles he liked tended to have really think bands and just looked gawdy on my finger.  I told him I would be happy with either, but I would prefer the one I picked out because the fit felt better.  He ended up getting me the one I originally wanted.

Again- if it is not about money, what you want should matter to him.

MyNameIsNot

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_ring-disappointment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:683Discussion:254486fb-fead-4c95-aea6-3f0a3ed5cd89Post:3be14755-cbb2-4c41-bf4e-0ce8a478e929">Re: Ring Disappointment</a>:
[QUOTE]Red flags all over. This isn't about the ring. At all. It's about his total disregard for your opinion. It's about the implication that "his vision" is more important and better than yours. It's about "not budging" on something that is supposed to be about both of you. And why do you need to be "brave" and "humble" when you talk to him? Are you subconsciouly perhaps a bit scared of him/his opinion? I'd think hard about patterns like this in his behaviour.
Posted by olivia144[/QUOTE]

This, 100%.  This is not about the ring.  This is about his attitude toward you.  Does he impose his desires and disregard yours in other areas? 

I see red flags everywhere.  If I were you, I'd be in counselling to resolve some of these issues before I ever considered marrying this guy.