Recently engaged....and pregnant?!?

PrincssGS

Ahhhhh ok so FI and I got engaged on Oct 27 and found out yeserday via 3 different home tests that I am indeed pregnant.  This was not planned, as I obviously didn't plan/expect to be 8-9 months pregnant when we get married!  Has this ever happened to anyone else (well, I'm sure it has but anyone here)?

We're considering either moving up or pushing back the wedding.  My worries with moving it up is that we've already booked and made a deposit on the venue, DJ, photog and string quartet.  My fears, which I'm sure would come true, is that they aren't all available on the same date in May 2010 (outdoor ceremony site so it has to be nice outside).  Our other option is to push it back until May 2011, since I can't imagine they'd all be booked so far in advance.  FI suggested doing a civil ceremony and planning a big celebration for after the baby comes so we don't have the baby out of wedlock.  This isn't really a concern for me, since we're in a committed relationship and were already engaged before this happened (well, most likely it happened on the night OF the engagement, go figure!).  We don't want to lose any of the money we put down for deposits, since now it seems like even more of a waste.

Worried about telling our parents...I don't think they are going to be jumping for joy, but we can't out it off because my mom has been on me about sending the STDs (yup, already printed and ready to go...).

Any advice would REALLY be appreciated!!

PrincssGS

Oh and I already put half down on my dress!

deepcovejackie

Wow!  Congrats on both parts!  How exciting!  Well, on the last SYTTD there was a 9 months pregnant bride marrying an NBA basketball star.   All seemed fine!  She looked beautiful in her gown and it looked like an amazing wedding! 

SarahPLiz

I'd say if you already put deposits down, it might be best to do it after the baby comes, because it will be easier to coordinate a date in teh future that's not booked up yet.

However, if you can do it before baby comes, it sounds like your FI might be more comfortable with that. Check with your venue for unbooked dates and see if they have any (even Sundays or Fridays). Then check with your other vendors. If you are likeus, the biggest deposit was on the venue.

FWIW.. I have a big fear that this will happen to me. I am SO ready to have babies, but I also want my dress to fit

Oh, and congrats on the pregnancy. Yay for babies!!

pandasquishy

My only concern about being 8 or 9 months pregnant at the time of the wedding would be that the baby could come early and you'd have to cancel the event... in which case you'd be out more money than if you tried to move the date up now.

My MOH was 7 months pregnant when she got married.  She was extremely uncomfortable the day of the wedding, so I can't imagine how she would have felt at 8 or 9 months.  Something to note about alterations: between when she got her final fitting and the day of her belly grew so much that the dress lifted a good 6 or 7 inches higher than it was at the final fitting.  You might want to take that into account when getting alterations.

PrincssGS

Yeah I'm definitely worried about possibly having the baby before the wedding...with what were estimating our due date will be around Aug 18, and our wedding is set for Aug 28!  Don't think I'll be fitting into my dress that soon and don't want to risk it

Fi and I just talked about it and he isn't concerned about being married before the baby comes, but is worried about what my dad is going to think and doesn't want to disappoint him.  He's more worried about what my dad is going to think than his own, so I told him he needs to talk with my dad privately about it.

I'm all for waiting and would rather do that, be able to fit into my dream dress, and have a glass of champagne.  Our wedding pics will be sweet with our new little bundle of joy :P

louisvillebride21

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_recently-engagedand-pregnant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:2e72e2d3-bb2e-4e56-9cba-c78d6512f3a2Post:8f3bb793-70b8-4f96-b0b6-3fe20d443ad5">Re: Recently engaged....and pregnant?!?</a>:
[QUOTE] Fi and I just talked about it and he isn't concerned about being married before the baby comes, but is worried about what my dad is going to think and doesn't want to disappoint him.  He's more worried about what my dad is going to think than his own, <strong>so I told him he needs to talk with my dad privately about it</strong>.
Posted by PrincssGS[/QUOTE]
Why would he talk to him privately about it? Isn't this something that you two need to tell them together? Look, you're adults, what's done is done. You can't exactly go get un-pregnant (well, you could, but you know what I mean). They may be disappointed, not so excited, but whatever. You're going to be a mother! Hopefully they can just get past this and be happy for you. But all in all, I would encourage you to talk to him together, as the couple that you are.

Oh, and CONGRATS!!!! I don't envy you the stress of having to push back the wedding, but I'm supa jealous about the baby!

PrincssGS

Ohh we're definitely going to tell them together!!  Both FI and my dad are pretty traditional so FI is just worried that my dad will be upset/angry with him.  Obviously this was both our doing and we can't go back now!  I  think after we both tell my parents, FI should chat with my dad in private and just reassure him that even though this was unplanned, his intentions are still the same and we got engaged because we loved each other and want to spend the rest of our lives together.  FI is also still in school and promised my dad that he would finish on track so he can start working full time so we can buy a house (I have my masters and work full time but he works part time and goes to school full time). 

Honestly, I don't understand why he is so upset about it (well, we're both scared!) but it won't take long for my parents to get over the shock and get excited about their first grandbaby.  I know my mom is going to pretend to be mad at first but she wants a grandbaby more than ANYTHING

louisvillebride21

I would still say to do all of it together. You need to presenting a united front right now. Don't give your dad a chance to be mad at you FI, make him be mad at both of you. It's going to be much harder to be mad at his little girl I totally understand being scared. My dad is a former Marine drill Sargent and I would be terrified of telling him. But anything FI and I need to tell our parents, we do it together because we made the decision together. This wasn't just your FIs 'fault', you did just as much to cause this. Just do all that reassuring together. I just think you guys will be taken more seriously as adults if you do this together. But that's just my 2 cents.

tmwagner

Go to the doctor before you tell them, just to be sure

I know someone who  got pregnant while she was engaged, but they had already planned a long engagement (2 years) so the birth didn't interfere with the wedding at all.  I know that doesn't really help.

I think I would wait, focus on having your baby, then plan you wedding.

Brie2010

Congrats on both counts!

That said, I'd push the wedding back a bit.  Talk to your venue and DJ and photog and see if they can work with you to help find a new date--that way you won't lose any money.  It seems really risky to have the wedding so close to your due date--not only could you go into labor the day of the wedding, but your doctor may want you on bedrest or otherwise (hopefully not, but better safe than sorry).

It would be a lot better to lose a few hundred dollars on deposits now than potentially to lose thousands if you can't make the wedding because of the baby. 

Good luck!

PrincssGS

We're going to my PCP on Wednesday to confirm and have an appointment with the Ob/Gyn on Jan 8.....definitely nervous for Wednesday!  I think we're going to head home to see my parents this weekend since I'm off of work on Friday...the sooner we do this the better    Here I was all about The Knot...never realizing I'd be on The Bump so soon, lol

We definitely think pushing back to the following spring would be our best bet so we don't lose any deposits, and are hoping that our parents agree!

MyNameIsNot

Either pushing it back or moving it forward would work fine.  Before you talk to your parents about it, start calling all your vendors and find out their available dates for this spring.

I agree that you shouldn't have your FI talk to your dad in private.  All that's doing is throwing him under the bus and putting the blame for the pregnancy on your FI.  You both got pregnant together, you both are going to raise the baby, and you both should be involved in any discussion with your parents.  Don't set your FI up to take the blame from your dad.  The two of you are a team and are going to be a family and should deal with problems like one.

RaiKai

I'd wait to have the wedding until after the baby.

You never know what may happen and whether you will deliver early, deliver late, need to have a c-section (that will affect recovery) need to be on bedrest, or have other complications. I would rather not be stressing about when baby is going to show up, whether I will fit in my dress, and all that sort of stuff while also going through the ups and downs of being pregnant.

That being said, I do hope you a very healthy pregnancy and baby!

SarahSmile23

I disagree about having the wedding after the baby. Will you really want to put so much money and energy towards a giant party when you have a young child? I'd plan a small friends and family ceremony for a few months from now. Then you can focus on your new family! Also, if you have a civil ceremony beforehand, what you'd be doing later would be a vow renewal.

Congrats and good luck!

MattsAnnie

I think I would rather move the date up. Everyone is different but I remember about a little over a year ago the same thing happened to my cousin.  Now her beautiful son is just over one and they still have not had a wedding. They went to the courthouse and are now legally married  but they are no longer planning a wedding. I wouldnt wait too long because I also went to a friends wedding who was very pregnant and uncomfortable although it was mayb a little worse because she was having twins!

redheadfsu

My friend was in this situation & they planned a very nice country club wedding in 3 months.  I definitely say move the date up, not back. Do you really want to plan a wedding with a newborn?

dianenjnj

being old fashioned i'd say move it up.  we are heading into winter, the slowest season for weddings so venue and vendors will probably be available and even charge less.  i'd check with the vendors and see when they are available...may is kind of late...by then you'll be 6 months along...don't think the dress will fit by then.

mwhitson14

I'm surprised no one has mentioned it, but if this is your first child (I'm assuming it is) get to your first trimester before getting everyone all worked up about the baby.
Otherwise, my opinion is to move things up. But I'm a traditional kinda girl.

Clare13

I would suggest moving the wedding up.  Plan a nice ceremony for close family and friends and get married.  Things get hectic with a new child and wedding planning will not be that important anymore.  The dress, vision, guest list, etc. may need to change but atleast your child will be welcomed into a family where mom and dad are married.  Too often the weddings are forgotten and not fiscally possible after the child.   

PrincssGS

Well, we were thinking May 2011 so the baby would be around 9 months.  But it is a good point that we might never actually get around to it and end up scrapping it all anyways.  My parents have already paid almost $3,000 on deposits and the STDs.  Is it too late to see if it would work out in Feb or March (I'd be 3-4 months along then)  Why oh why did I go for a trumpet gown!? 

Is it OK to send invites without STDs?  I think it'd be a good idea to contact all of our vendors and see if they are all available before speaking with our parents, that way we can go to them with a plan

SarahPLiz

If you are open to friday or saturday, hten I think you could swing february or March, depending on your area, but definitely contact your vendors ASAP.

And you don't have ot send STDs at all. They arent required. All that is needed is invitations.

3plus

First of all, congratulations on both your engagement and your pregnancy!  I was in a similar situation with my first wedding.

We got engaged March '95 and were planning a May '96 wedding.  In June I found out I was pregnant.  After talking to many people about it, I listened to my grandmother's advice that I wasn't going to feel up to planning a wedding after the baby was born.  I was going to be tired, cranky and feeling like rubbish for the most part.  We moved the wedding up to October.

That gave us 4 months to plan, except that I had already accepted a 6 or 7 week (I can't remember now) trip to Denmark.  It was decided that I would still go on the trip and would plan once I got back.  We worked with our vendors, who were very accomodating, and with a lot of help pulled off a beautiful wedding in just over 2 months.

Another thing to consider, with my second child I was on bed rest from 25 weeks on.  If you decide to move the wedding up, I would have it before you hit the 5 or 6 month mark.  Many pregnancy complications seem to arise around then.  Not to be a downer about your pregnancy, but it could happen.

As for your father, he may surprise you both.  I was terrified of telling my parents!  They weren't even 40 yet themselves at the time.  In the end they were nothing but supportive and I never heard a disparaging comment from either of them.

Good luck on your decision!

PrincssGS

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_just-engaged-proposals_recently-engagedand-pregnant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:683Discussion:2e72e2d3-bb2e-4e56-9cba-c78d6512f3a2Post:f5635101-941f-4f2c-bb33-986d5144f0cd">Re: Recently engaged....and pregnant?!?</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm surprised no one has mentioned it, but if this is your first child (I'm assuming it is) get to your first trimester before getting everyone all worked up about the baby. Otherwise, my opinion is to move things up. But I'm a traditional kinda girl. :)
Posted by mwhitson14[/QUOTE]

I'd hold off if my mom wasn't up my a$$ about getting the STDs out before new years!  The more I'm reading the more I think it'd be best to move it up instead of back...I can't imagine wanting to plan a wedding and taking care of a newborn.  Need to talk to FI, but roommate is in the room and he doesn't know yet.

So much to think about!

glam70s

I agree about moving it up.. Not only will you be tired and such after the baby, but finances will suffer dramatically as well. It sounds like your parents are helping out with the wedding to an extent, but unless they're covering the whole thing I would definitely pay a lot of attention to the financial aspect of this.. One of my best friends was in your exact situation (got engaged, got pregnant the night of), and they pushed back the wedding. Now their daughter just turned 1 year old and they can't start planning the wedding yet because all their money goes to the baby...

On a slightly different note, depending on when you want to tell extended family and friends, it may be helpful to have a brunch wedding, because it could be dry without raising much suspicion about why you're not drinking. I had a friend that did that to conceal an illness that prevented her drinking. She wasn't ready to tell anyone, so she had everyone given mimosas for toasting, and nobody was any wiser that her glass was just orange juice. Just a thought.

Congrats on everything - whatever you decide to do, what an exciting time!

PrincssGS

I just had a thought, if we chose to do it this Feb/Mar, that we could announce the pregnancy at our wedding!  What better time than when all our friends and family members are surrounding us?  I'll be at the beginning of the 2nd trimester then so wouldn't be scared to tell everyone...

ashleyandjerry2010

I know with most of my vendors if we need to move the date it has to be within a year in order to keep our deposits for the venues. Check with your vendors to see if that is the same, it may come in handy.
Congrats! (on both accounts)

jackie_martel

I would definitely say move it up. My cousin was in the same situation.. actually, he still is. His fiance got pregnant, so instead of making wedding plans, they decided to focus on the baby. The problem was, the focus never shifted from the baby. Since then, they had another son, and are now a beautiful family of four. They still aren't making any wedding plans, and their kids are now 7 and 5 years old. So, my fear for you would be that you have a dream wedding that you were so close to, and that it may never happen. 

 I would certainly recommend moving it up for that reason, and because winter weddings cost much less. Think about it this way, if you get married in Feb or March, and it costs half as much as you budgeted originally, then you can save the difference and put that towards getting ready for the baby! Sounds like a win-win to me.

Plus, announcing that you're expecting at the wedding could be a lot of fun! There are lots of cute ways you could announce it to everyone.

PS Congrats!!

mhall88

I'd say if you are comfortable with the idea of standing in a dress at 9 months pregnant.. Then go for it! This is also a reason, as soon as we started planning, I got put on birth control..No offense.

mhall88

Children are a blessing. Take this as another thing that life throws at you. Work with it, not around it.

MAKohler1986

Congratulations! It'll be such an exciting year for you!!!

I'm getting married on March 20, 2010 and my daughter will be 22 months old. Just talking mommy to mommy, it is VERY difficult to plan a wedding with a baby. If you were planning on doing a simple wedding, then I'd say move it to the next year, because it might be doable. But if it's more elaborate and you have DIY projects, the only time you will have to work on those will be after your baby goes to bed at night, and then you have to hide everything so they don't tear it all apart.

I would personally try to move the wedding up - work with your vendors. There has to be something available in February or March - those months are dead and can get you great discounts.

That's just my opinion.